Feeling overwhelmed

[Fortyfatandfedup]

Hi, I'm new to MN and as my username says I'm forty, fat and fed up! Sorry in advance for the long post!

The last few years have been really difficult. I went through fertility treatments and IVF (I'm one of the lucky ones who it eventually worked for), work has been really stressful and I suffer with binge eating disorder. Over the last year I've had minimal sleep as my DD has suffered from a number of minor illnesses since birth, which has made her unsettled and generally grumpy most of the time. Every day merges together and I'm fighting to do the bear minimum in terms of looking after my own well-being. DH is as supportive as he can be and I'm really lucky to have him.

I turned 40 earlier this year, and it seems that (coupled with everything else that's gone on) has had a massive impact on my general appearance. My face looks puffy and eyes bloodshot and sunken with huge dark circles. My skin looks haggard. My hair is thinning (quite alarmingly at the front), and the odd grey that I had before pregnancy seems to have multiplied dramatically.

My weight has always been a an issue due to the BED, but since giving birth I have no shape at all. I'm short too, which doesn't help and I know I need to lose some weight to feel a bit better in my clothes. My current style is very old fashioned for my age, as I struggle to get things to fit properly.

I would love to get on top of all of this and really start to look after myself, which I'm sure would make a huge difference to my self confidence. However, I feel completely overwhelmed as there seems so much to do and I'm always so tired. Does anyone have any ideas, as I really don't know where to start? X

Oh bless you, I’m sorry you’re feeling rubbish!
I would start with your weight and ED. Ask the GP to get on the list for counselling for it. I’ve lost 4st with Slimming World and it really works and makes me feel loads better. Could you give it a go? And try to find things to help you deal with why you have an ED. If it’s stress and anxiety related could you try upping your exercise.. even fast walking with the park a few times a week?
Once you’ve lost weight, shopping for clothes will become a joy.
In the meantime, can you get your hair and nails done? That will give you an instant pick me up.
Choose a good moisturiser and use it every day. Wear perfume.. even if you have no time for make-up, perfume will make you feel better. Xx

Fast waking with the pram that should say

Write yourself a list of say 5 things you'd like to get done during the day (realistic ones, not organise entire house!)

Then tick off the ones you do get done

Then add to your list the other things that are occupying your time. They belong on the list because you are doing them. If this is comforting baby for 15mjns because the toy wouldn't do what they wanted it to do, add it on. It's valid and it takes up your time

You should soon see that you are busy doing lots throughout the day

Make time for nail appointment. Done nails make me feel better instantly as I see my hands all day, not my face

Get a vitamin in you every day.

Do some research into low carb. I've lost 20lbs since mid August on it. Always full. Never hungry. Omit items from meals rather than faffing and doing diet version and non diet version

Be kind to yourself

Oh lovely, firstly don’t be too hard on yourself! IVF really takes it out on you, and sleep deprivation on top of that is enough to finish anyone off!
I think it depends a little bit on your budget, but these are my suggestions and they really helped me!
I totally second addressing the weight. I did weight watchers online and it worked brilliantly for me. Not expensive at all and it was the one single thing that made me feel really good about myself again.
Drink lots of water and cut down on the caffeine as much as you can. It will help with your skin and the dark circles. I know it’s easier said that done though, especially the caffeine. When I gave up coffee altogether my skin was amazing! But I love a good coffee so it didn’t last long. But I try and drink at least two litres water a day to counteract it a bit, and limit myself to two cups of coffe.
Dye your hair if you have started to go grey. I know lots of people are all for staying au Naturell in the hair department but it really really ages me. If you can afford a hairdresser visit for a cut and colour go for it, if not just box dye it for now (I go for my natural colour).
Use a moisturiser on your skin every day and try and exfoliate once or twice a week. Any old one will do and it will make your skin feel really nice and soft.
In line with that - personally I shave my legs every day. It makes me feel better, I hate stubbly or hairy legs! DH doesn’t care but I really do, it takes an extra 60seconds in the shower but makes such a difference in how I feel about myself.
Also I always use a bit of makeup. Not a lot, but of concealer for my dark circles, some blusher and mascara. Again, it makes me feel much nicer.
These are just a few steps to take to feel more comfortable in your own skin. Good luck! It will get easier as your DD gets older too x

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Eating whilst minding baby or small child goes hand in hand. It is often as a result of tiredness and lack of quality sleep. It is so easy to reach for high sugar foods when we are tired.

I’d really recommend WeightWatchers. I’ve lost 21 pounds in two months. I do it myself at home as I don’t have time for meetings. It is so doable.

I wouldn’t go shopping for clothes until you are happy with your size. In the meantime, focus on you skin, hair and nails. A multi vitamin and a good cut should help.

Thanks for all the tips so far. Losing weight is certainly top of my list, but is the biggest issue sadly. Due to BED every time I restrict my diet in any way it ultimately leads to a binge. I've had quite a lot of counselling about it and whilst that has helped it always seems to get the better of me in the end. The impact of it on my appearance is pretty shocking though - it's really upsetting actually. However in pretty hard on myself and need to be a bit kinder as other posters have said!

I've promised myself I'll make a hair appointment this week and maybe a bit of makeup 

Oh yes - and try and get out for some walks with the pushchair 😀

Yes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Just on a quick read, I agree with what the others have said re don’t be hard on yourself. It’s still early days after the birth of your DD.
One thing occurs to me with you mentioning the weight and hair loss is to get your thyroid checked next time you see your doctor. They are classic symptoms of an under functioning thyroid. It’s a simple blood test.

Hair and nail vitamins, drink more water,
and remember, this too shall pass.
The day will come when you are getting full nights sleep and starting to feel like yourself again .

Yes I will make a GP appointment as the hair is quite thin now. I thought it would recover after the birth (DD is 15 months now) but if anything it's got worse. I will look at hair and nail vitamins as I'm sure that would help too.

IVF did a number on my appearance. I did it a few times so might've taken me longer to get back to my normal again but it took a good year or so for my body to adjust and that was without a pregnancy and having to look after a baby.
Then there's the huge drain on your emotional and mental health. Honestly I think a lot of it was in my head because I felt disconnected from my own body after all the poking and prodding and I was very self critical.

Basically, be extra kind to yourself and don't judge too harshly. You've been through a lot and you're doing brilliantly.

Try to do one 'beauty care' type thing a day. A bit like a miniature version of the princessing threads. Even if it's just putting some hand cream on. It all adds up and it's a way of being nice to yourself. Having my nails painted always makes me feel much more polished and put together. Don't know if that's practical for you at the mo though? Getting your hair done is a great start.

Getting out for a walk is amazing for both physical and mental health if you're able to do that. Do some deep breathing and practice mindfulness whilst you're walking.

Hey good luck OP!

I would focus on your mood first, find small things which make you feel good and a bit more like your old self. Then can build up to fitness etc

It's easy to lose touch with yourself with all that going on. What did you like doing before? It's maybe easier to go back to something familiar to begin with than take up something new. Eg i used to like swimming so I would begin with that. Or painting my toenails which no one ever really noticed but me.

But have you got any childcare? If not are there things you could go to together eg babyswimming or buggy exercise class

Zinc and vitamin D are brilliant for skin and hair. Avocados, salmon, eggs all make a difference fairly quickly if eaten regularly, as well as dark green veg. Cutting out sugar, caffeine and alcohol make a massive difference too.

(I don't know if you're breast feeding and which vitamins are ok to take if you are so obviously check first. )

Thyroid?

Also, you don't have to do everything at once and be perfect. You're more than enough as you are right now.

Vitamins
Slow improvements to diet - lots of fruit and more veg rather than restrict stuff
Lots of water
Start a really simple skin regime - mainly cleans and moisturize. Lots will come on and give you reams of serums and things but that can be bamboozling to start with so start with anything at all that you can pick up as you're shopping so not going out of your way. .

Also I remember that for me around 15mo was probably me at my most exhausted. They can be quite demanding, in my case not great at sleeping, I was back at work, heavy to lift etc
Definitely a good time to invest time/money in taking care of yourself if at all possible.

Don't set yourself a big goal like 'loose weight' or 'sort thinning hair' instead just start to every day spend a 10/15 minutes on taking more care of your appearance. Start wearing make up, picking an 'outfit', rather than just finding something clean, or painting your nails.

These small things will make you feel more like the old you, someone who tried to look nice, and will gradually inspire you onto more steps and the bigger things like weight.

make some time to shop, by yourself, no pressure just start looking a and trying things on and working out what kind of style you feel good in now.

make time in the morning to style your hair. Mine is also thin so I have to do quite a bit of styling to stop it looking lank; build it into a routine.

I am going to increase my water intake as suggested, as it's not as though I'm drinking loads of caffeine, it's just that I'm not drinking enough overall.

Yes, definitely need some time for myself. I'm going to try and do small things, as I have a nasty habit of putting my life on hold until everything is "perfect", which leads me to do nothing as it's so overwhelming.

Some fab tips here - I really appreciate it! Keep them coming! X

Oh you poor thing. Been there on a number of counts - several IVFs but ultimately lucky, binge eating, feeling fat and frumpy, etc. A few thoughts from that have really helped me over the last six months or so...

I would strongly advise against any diet - WW, SE, whatever. As you know, restricting yourself in that way is a one way ticket to binge. I hesitate to give you advice on this as sounds like you’ve had experts involved but I’ve recently come across a website called ‘how to eat like a normal person’ which is encourage you to look at. Has made a massive difference to me mentally.

The other things that really helps me is exercise. I’ve really made an effort lately, but making a concscious effort to focus on how it makes me feel (calmer, more positive!) and the importance of setting a good example to my DDs. Not about calories burned etc. Strong not skinny!

Otherwise...I’ve thrown more money than I can afford at fancy skincare and it’s made a difference. That has helped me feel better. I’ve started following a few style blogs and bought a few new things...not the usual ‘wait till I’m thinner’ thing. More adventurous costume jewellery. Just generally focusing on feeling better about myself right now, not in 10lbs time, if you know what I mean.

Check out the Food Freedom Project podcast too, maybe when you're out for a walk one time? She talks so much sense about disordered eating and still manages to keep a sense of joy and humour as well.

Maybe just consider listening to episode one without putting any other pressure on yourself, or making any other resolutions about eating for now?

I know it must seem like so much to tackle right now, OP. But sometimes if you just 'scratch the surface' things will start changing in a deeper way in time. So making these little changes towards better health and self esteem will start something rolling.

A lot of us will have been where you are now. I definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote. 💛

And I completely agree with PP: years 1-2 were WAY harder than years 0-1 with both my kids.

 for you.

Don't know if it's been mentioned but hair loss might be iron deficiency? It's very common and easily tested and remedied.

Thanks again for all your advice. I'm going to look at this as day 1, and go for a walk later. I'll also look at that website "how to eat like a normal person".

Was at a very low ebb yesterday, but feeling a little more positive today. Hopefully I can start to improve the way I look and feel soon x

Oh yes, I'll also look at the Food Freedom project too! X