Dress for my baby's funeral - please help.

[undertheoldoaktree]

My baby's funeral is on Thursday, and amongst all the planning I've realised I don't have a thing to wear.

If I'm going to order online, it needs to be today or tomorrow I'd guess?
Otherwise it's a trip to dreaded Meadowhall and I never end up finding anything when I go shopping.

So as not to drip feed:

I don't own a single black item in my wardrobe except a pair of leggings with a large hole in. I don't own an alternative (ie, not black) smart dress - I usually live in wellies, hoodies and dirty jodhpurs so there's no fruitful wardrobe searching to be done. Even if there was, none of my clothes fit!

I gained a lot of weight when pregnant and my bump hasn't completely gone, so would need a size 14-16 (probably 16 to be on the safe side, I'm capable of taking most things in).

I'm imagining some sort of fit-and-flare, preferably long sleeved. I've no experience of dressing for my new/temporary shape so could be wrong there. Definitely around knee length or longer. I'm having to wear doubled up sports bras as my tits are aching like mad, so no fancy backs or necklines. Modest as possible basically.

Black, but coloured accents/embroidery fine - possibly preferable but I know I'm already asking a lot! The florist has made a flower crown for me to wear and then leave at the end as a wreath, so it should already be "cheered up" a bit.

Also, I'm skint. Like really, really skint, having bought a whole nursery full of baby paraphernalia. So as cheap as possible really - I don't think I will be this shape for much longer, and emotionally it's not something I'm ever going to want to wear again.

It sounds so stupid to be so stressed about something so vain sounding at this point - I guess I just left it way too late. I've never any reason to look smart usually, and I just really want to give my child that respect of being well turned out.

Help, please? There must be something that exists somewhere - mustn't there? I've done a short rudimentary search of ASOS, but can't really manage to look for long because I keep getting upset.

@rosemary46 thank you, some good advice there.

I thankfully still have a pair of 3 inch high sensible black marks and spencer leather court shoes (which if they still sell are super comfortable and the only heels that have never given me blisters by the way!) from my sixth form "business dress" uniform days. I used to call them my nun shoes as my godmother - who is a a nun - swears by the exact same pair. If they still sell them, they're great! Still look new after a good polish almost 10 years on.

Sorry for your loss OP.
Marks and spencer click and collect is normally pretty quick and you can also arrange to colllect from M&SFood Halls instead as they are often easier to get to than big branches.

The floral wreath sounds a lovely idea

As you're getting lots of advice regarding what to wear, would just like to say that I'm very sorry about the loss of your baby
Agree with PP - the floral wreath sounds a lovely idea.

I'm so sorry for you loss.

I can't help with dress recommendations, but wanted to tell you not to worry about feeling vain. My daughter was stillborn a few months ago and I was exactly the same - I think it's normal to want everything to be perfect for your baby. It's also something "safe" to focus on when things are tough.

It might not feel like it now, but things will get easier for you. You'll always remember your baby and there will always be things that remind you and make you feel sad for a while, but the all-consuming grief does ease.

So very sorry for your loss OP.
I love the idea of your flower crown/wreath. For what it's worth, I think the M&S skater dress fits the bill.
I'll be thinking of you.🌸

Anything dark in black, grey or navy. Please don’t give the outfit too much thought, you may not want to wear it again. I’m so sorry for your loss x

If it is something you are only going to wear once, perhaps go down to the local charity/op shop and buy something for like 2 quid, that you can the re-donate or discard?

Hi op. So sorry for your loss.

When we buried our stillborn son i wore a normal outfit. I wanted to wear something he would have seen me in regularly had he made it here safely. Just a thought. I enjoyed wearing that outfit for a long time afterwards. Made me feel close to him.

Fwiw i wore pale blue jeans and a plue ditsy flower print cami with flip flops.

Dp wore his usual joggy bottoms and a polo neck shirt.

I'm sure I saw some suitable dresses in Primark when u was in Manchester last week.
Could a friend or DP do the shipping for you and bring back a variety of sized and styles and take back what you dont need. I'd imagine you really don't need the hassle if shopping malls at the moment.
I am sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am sadly also looking for something for my gorgeous brothers funeral which I've not even arranged yet. I'm pretty sure I won't wear it again. He will tell me off for wasting money I know but it's giving me something other to think about. The m&s dress looks promising.

I'm so very very sorry. Can I send you this dress, it's a large 14, stretchy with a hidey ruching bit around waist/stomach. At least then it's something you don't have to worry about. I've only wore it once to my grandmother's funeral. Please let me know. I don't know you but I will be thinking of you xx

Pics

Black with flowers from wallis

So sorry.

Primark sell simple tunic dresses for about £8, I buy loads for work that you can wear with black tights or leggings. But it really doesn't matter what you wear.

So,so sorry you are having to go through this

I have a similar dress to this which I wear for funerals. This one from Dorothy Perkins is £22 bit.ly/2MvYeYs

You have had some lovely and good advice regarding the clothes.
I don’t have any other suggestions except that similarly I have lots of black stretchy dresses that would fit and I could send Tuesday if you would like one. Like others it would be my pleasure to help you during this time.
The flowers sound a very apt and beautiful touch.

I also wanted to write that - although I know it must be no comfort at all - I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I will spend a quiet moment of two thinking of you on the day of the funeral.
With much love and 💐

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My sister lost her newborn, she asked everyone not to wear black, like a pp. Like another pp, she feels the outfit she wore was very special and had worn it since as it makes her feel her baby is remembered.

I am so sorry to read of your loss.
I have no advice re:dresses but it is heartwarming to read pp's offers. Your flowers for your baby sound perfect.

So sorry for your loss.

I find Apricot dresses flattering and they are very affordable. Can't do links but just Google Apricot.

@notacooldad I dread to think what I'd end up with if I send my husband!!

We gave a lot of thought regarding the "to black or not to black". To me, my special outfit is a really beautiful, intricately embroidered dress I was wearing (complete with flower crown!) when I found out I was pregnant. I think this is the dress I'll wear and think of my baby.

The black for me, in my specific circumstances, is merely a sign of respect. At the hospital, I didn't feel like my child was - due to the language used to describe it - respected as a human being.
It will just be me and my husband (and possibly DD who is undecided) for the service in our garden, with the addition of the local vicar for a short graveside.

There is still bunting and ribbons from a recent local event down the procession route, and I have a large ribbon collection which will adorn the branches of the old oak tree in the garden next to the service.

I guess I'm trying to say I understand the need other people have felt for colour and joy.

In regards to donations - thank you very much and I would be incredibly appreciative of anything sent.

I did wonder if there was any way to have a thread/website set up to "pass on" any donations to people in similar situations. I can promise that anything I'm sent that doesn't fit etc I will post to somebody else in need.

One thing I've learned from this thread is that an appreciable number of people only want to wear funeral outfits once, and that for many people the thought of quickly having to shop for one whilst grieving is too painful.
I'm racking my brains as to how to best set something up to unite the outfits that have served their purpose with people who need them - if anyone has any thoughts.

The florist also thought the crown/wreath was a beautiful idea, and not one I'd heard of myself before - it just seemed apt to me for some reason. I hope it may be the idea someone else feels is what they've been searching for in terms of funeral flowers for a baby.

Thank you, everyone, so very much. I'm crying my eyes out, but for the first time since my child's heartbeat stopped, they are tears of joy. I feel so very supported and comforted, and can't convey in words how much it means to me.

I hope you find something OP. Your floral crown sounds beautiful. .

(I would of course return any donations worn or unworn if that's what people would prefer x)

Our sons funeral was graveside. Me dp and immediate family (dps, dbs and their partners).

As it happened some extra family turned up. I was overwhelmed in a good way and i wish i had asked my close friends in retrospect. I remember taking a friend to his grave some months after and she broke down. I think it was only at that point that she actually realised what we had been through. I found that quite sad.

We also chose not to have flowers. Had balloons instead however a family member had a wreath made up which arrived in the hearst with our son. I was so grateful of that wreath. I'll never forget them for thinking of us on that terrrible day and sending something especially for our son.

I have no recommendations but just want say i am so so sorry for your loss.