Comments about other people's appearance

[PugwallsSummer]

Why, unless there's something positive to say, to some people think it's ok to pass comment on others' appearance?

On Thursday I had a rare, and much looked forward to, day out with friends (no children in tow). Having spent time getting ready and feeling really good about myself, one of my friends in a voice filled with false concern, told me I'd lost too much weight and my face looked "haggard". I haven't lost any weight, but I know I look tired and my face is definitely showing signs of age. I'd really made an effort though. To make it worse, it was in front of everyone, which was so embarrassing - and when I said "I'm not sure I can take that as a compliment, can I?", she went on to defend herself by talking about my "thin" face some more!

So I now feel shit about something I can't change.

Why do some people do this? What do they get out of it?? Genuinely don't get it at all... 🙄

I think it comes from insecurity, that they are comparing themselves to you and not liking how they feel, and trying to bring you down to their level.

Oh, that's just mean and not necessary! I like your response. A colleague, I don't even know her that well, came into my office and blurted "wow, you look so tired". I just continued working and said:"I'm not, that's just the way I look now". She hasn't said anything since. And I've only got older and more tired looking...

Hope you had a good day in spite of that comment.

Charming! I think you need new friends.
Don't dwell on it, I'm sure you looked great, the too much weight comment is, I would say 9 times out of 10 rooted in jealousy.

💐 OP.

Thank you all! I shrugged it off at the time but I still can't quite believe she said it, especially in front of everyone.

It is something I'm conscious of myself so it hurt. She didn't really need to say anything at all.

I use the fix in five rule - so only comment if it's something they can fix in five mins eg food in teeth, makeup running, lipstick smeared and so on.

which was so embarrassing - for her.

It was a horri le, horrible thing to say but actually are you ok op? I had a thin and haggard phase in my 20s and afterwards everyone said "ooh we did think you looked awful" but no-one said anything and I didn't really notice until I became so ill I had to have my heart checked over even before diagnosis was confirmed. It had crept up over so many years with peaks and troughs that I learnt to manage although I went to the Dr three times and was advised to moderate my stressful lifetyle. I had very severe Graves disease (hyperthyroidism) - the highest levels the endocrinologist had seen in someone who had kept chugging along.

Perhpas get yourself checked over to be on the safeside. But meanwhile for you for your "friend"

Is she always like it? honestly if so I would probably just not see her anymore- i find that sort of thing very boring. It doesn't reflect well on her OP, as PP have said it is almost certainly at its core, a reflection of her feeling insecure and trying to even the playing field by bringing you down to her level.
It may even have been something such as the fact she felt bigger that day, or dislikes her own face shape saw you in her own mind looking slim and subconsciously tried to ease that insecurity by commenting as she did, so she could feel less bad about her own issue. Who knows, she may not even realise she had done it for that reason.
Try if possible to write it off, seems unfair on you to feel shit about a non existent change to your face just on her say so you know?

Some women just love tearing down other women it must give them an esteem boost or something. My friend is a beauty therapist and I went along to a thing with her she introduced me to her BT friend who promptly said omg your nails are a state 😕

MrsJay, seriously?!

I know exactly how you feel and I feel that some people just don’t think before they speak or as other posters have said are jealous.

I’m quite a skinny minnie and I have had comments all my life about my weight and it’s still grates me to this day. Comments like ‘do you struggle eating’ or ‘there is more fat on a chip’ and my grandfather recently said upon seeing me ‘oh look it’s lucky legs...lucky they don’t break’...

At my sisters wedding my Aunt hugged me and said ‘oooo, it’s like hugging a bag of bones’ which I laughed off (she has always struggled with being overweight).

I would let this ladies comment slide. Probably just jealous!

Not even exhaggerating because I didn't havegel nail polish or acyrillics she also said to friend you need to do HER nails as I said women tearing women down.

Thank you all for your lovely comments! I hope that the other friends we were with felt embarrassed for her rather than sorry for me.

ohtheroses that's really interesting as I have an under active thyroid. I might ask for a medication review just Incase. My face genuinely does look drawn at the moment so she wasn't making it up.

mrsjayy there's just no need for it is there!

To the best of my knowledge I have never once criticised a friend's appearance. I like to think I'm tactful + I don't have any insecurities about my own appearance, so feel no need to tear someone else down.

If anything I always try and pay compliments. Even if a friend insists they look haggard/have gained weight, I will counter with a compliment e.g But I love your outfit/But your hair is looking really good.

She is just an insecure bitch. There are so many of them around. The think is that I have my own insecurities but I don't attack other people because they don't have my problems, but I always get people attacking me. Every day there is someone. I think some people can't help it, and there is always a point in summer when it reaches it's height. Just ignore. I get comments on my hair, apparently I must spend hours styling it and no one is watching my kids while I do it, takes me less than two minutes every morning.
Get some new friends. x I bet you look fab

I like clothes and fashion, and make up, and get a lot of comments about that too. And I'm also apparently too thin for a middle aged woman, and so on and so on and so on.
Women can be very nasty to each other. I never comment unless I have something positive to say to someone.

Honestly they are jealous.

If its trus most people wouldnt say it out loud.

Ermm men can be very nasty too.

What a nasty comment! My friend has been unwell recently and lost a significant amount of weight. So many people commented on it or made comments that she looks haggard or old, until I finally exploded and said “if she’d put weight on you wouldn’t be telling her she looked fat or any other insulting thing! Why with weight loss do you think it’s ok?” (Ok so mine was more expletive laden but you get the point)

I’m sorry your so called friend was so mean, I agree that some people do it to make themselves feel better. Which is pretty shit.

I think it was Joan Collins who said, "there will always be someone younger, prettier and thinner than you so don't be a bitch, just get over it"
Lots of people would do well to keep that in mind.

I suspect your friend’s comment could come from insecurities she has about her own weight?
I’m very petite/short and have a friend who is a very different height body shape to me. Every time I see her I get comments about how slim I am, the most offensive being “your body is child like”. We’re all different shapes and sizes and women should seek to empower each other.