I’ve given up and I wish I hadn’t.

[JudgeRulesNutterButter]

I look shit. Flat saggy boobs, grey skin, lank hair, horrendous Mirena spots, podgy tum. There are no good features left to accentuate.

After my first DC I was back at work so although I didn’t have much time, I did have a bit of cash to occasionally order things online.

After my second I am now a SAHM, a decision I’m very happy about except I no longer feel justified in spending any money on myself. There seems no point. So my beauty regime is whatever’s on offer, and my clothes are being worn till they’re holey and then replaced with stuff from Sainsbury’s. I have decent foundation which I ask for for Christmas/birthday, that’s about it.

I don’t really know what I want out of this thread. I don’t even know if I want to change? Because it will be so much effort. It’s so hard to do things without money. But I’m starting to hate avoiding mirrors

Can a bra do anything for me if my breasts are small? They are tiny shrunken things. I’m coming up to a year after I stopped bf so I’m kind of giving up hope that they’re ever going to recover. Bras now seem to ride up even when the band is so tight it leaves marks.

Thank you all for the suggestions, and to endoftheline and other’s who have been in the same place!

I find Pinterest daunting as there is just So Much of it. I quite like magazines as I can flick through and get an idea of what’s in without feeling overwhelmed, but obviously they’re a bit ££ these days.

I can definitely do charity shops. I’m planning to explore our local shops for clothes for the DC anyway, so I can keep an eye out for myself as well without feeling too much like I’m doing the forbidden thing of spending money on myself!

Please don't fall into the hole of thinking because you're the SAHP you're not worthy of having any family income spent on you.

X-post- too late, lol

I’ve never had a facial or a pedicure! I would definitely feel extravagant to start with that stuff now! I’ve had a manicure once for my wedding.

*others, not other’s, in my post above. Stay out of my punctuation, autocorrect

You need to put yourself first a bit. You are a mother not a martyr! You are not sitting at home on your bum doing nothing. You are bringing up your children and presumably doing housework etc. It's not nothing, it doesn't mean you are not entitled to spend any household money on yourself.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? Talk to him as a first step.

I'm sure both he and your children would rather you were happy than feeling as you currently do.

Figure out from family budget if you can afford a certain amount that is yours. For clothes, haircuts, a coffee out with a magazine, skincare or whatever.

Haircut sounds like a good first step. Esp if you don't like current one.

Skincare next. Someone recommended The Ordinary - I haven't tried any of it but it's supposed to be good. Or just buy a few bits from the supermarket or Superdrug. A cleanser and some cheap flannels from Primark - cleanse every night and morning and use warm wet flannel to remove. Acts as an exfoliater as well as just removing. Superdrug Glycolic acid pads are £2.95 and exfoliate gently. Then moisturise. A few weeks of that should help your skin.

A tinted moisturiser with an SPF, some mascara and a lipstick or gloss for next steps.

Nice underwear. Def get fitted for a bra. Not M&S as others said.

A few basics for clothes. Nothing wrong with Sainsbury's esp for every day.

Work out what it would cost to outsource all the work you do.

That is the value of your contribution to your family. It is considerable.

You are worth spending time and money on.

Bras can make a huge difference and Peacocks do excellent ones that aren’t spendy.I recommend padded balconette ones.

Re hair what colour is it? How about getting a shorter, funkier style and look at dyeing it if it feels drab?

With respect to skin Maybelline Matt mousse (the little pot) is wonderful stuff. Superdrug MUA has a fantastic highlighter that whenever I wear it people say how great my skin looks.

Next I would identify your body shape and basic colouring and develop a capsule that you can expand overtime. This helps keep costs down and is easily updated via accessories etc.

Go through your wardrobe and get rid of the worn/drab and look at what you have left and then develop a plan. I think the blog Unfancy is a great resource for this. She has a template you can print off that looks at lifestyle requirements and what gaps you have etc and it is useful.

Also cast your eye around and identify what clothing style you actually like. If money was no object how would you dress?

Get rid of the Mirena! It gave me horrendous spots and greasy hair. They went as soon as I had it removed and a half a stone in weight went, too.

Agree re: Pinterest, I can't fathom it. And I work on the internet, so ought to be able to cope! But I can't.

The one thing, ONE THING, that makes me feel good about myself is running, and that is free. It helps my figure, but mainly helps my head - I feel happier, calmer and more confident after a run. And apart from the cost of some trainers (expensive) and some clothes to run in (cheap), it is free.

Given that you're in a hole at the moment it is probably the last thing you want to hear, or do, but I promise this would make all the difference. I know you're a SAHM but you could run with a buggy, or go early in the morning/late at might when your OH is home. Even if you think you're not an exercise person (I used to be like this) give it a go - it will change your life for the better, I promise.

Also you must realise that your children need a happy mum who values herself. So it is NOT a waste of money spending it on yourself. Your OH will want you to feel good about yourself too. So buy a bunch of daffs from the market, light a scented candle, have a smelly bath - all these things will make a huge difference to your happiness.

Good luck.

Look on the new look website at the sale as there are some good bargains, also Dorothy Perkins.

Lots of great ideas, here.

I would agree with baby steps. Too much change all at once is daunting, but choose one maybe two things to do each week.

A couple of years ago, I gave myself an overhaul, but a little at a time. You are much more likely to make lasting changes that way.
Some things I did were:
sorting out my sleep (after dd2's horrendous sleep blip involving a sleep clinic), with some help from Headspace sleep pack,
exercising regularly with yoga on youtube, I keep a yoga mat etc. in the corner of the sitting room to make it easy,
lots of walking, the school run is close to 10,000 steps for me,
using mfp to track food, I started doing low gi then went onto low carb,
I had a consultation with a mutual friend who was an image consultant which really gave me back my mojo: I don't have loads of clothes, but go for less but better, often from charity shops/sales.

expat I’m pondering that re the Mirena but I haven’t really given it enough of a chance yet, it’s only been 3 months. And it has completely eliminated my horrendous periods. I am willing to persevere with it for a bit longer!

I will go for at least a bra fitting since that’s another thing you’re all saying is key. And it is admittedly stupid to be bemoaning the fact that better bras might not help without at least trying.

Those mentioning my DH- he is lovely, he is encouraging me to have more me time and he has no problem with me spending a bit more money on myself. He knows how I feel. The trouble is if he encourages me to go shop or whatever then it for some reason feels like pressure, and if I come home again and I haven’t found a miracle cure then I feel like I’ve failed.

Okay I can do a haircut, bra fitting and browse in charity shops for myself not just for the DC.

I struggle with skincare recommendations because if you buy something and it doesn’t work then it’s such a waste

Oh I do exercise, I walk and cycle. Yay, I found something I’m already getting right

How old is your second? I think you do reach a stage where you want to spend some time on yourself after having the LOs but it's absolutely possible and good for you. I have a friend who maintains women look their best at least few years after they've had their youngest because they start concentrating on themselves again but they have the wisdom to look better than they did when young. But it takes a few years. I did no exercise except walking between DD1 being born to DS being 2 which was a gap of about 7 years. But once he had hit that crucial age and was less dependant on me I started exercising again and slowly increased that to my current rate (I swim 4x per week and do yoga the other days) then realised I was putting on weight (the BFing diet of constant cake no longer resulted in weight loss when I wasn't BFing every day) so sorted out my diet and lost weight then bought a load of clothes. I looked at fashion blogs and read a LOT of threads on here.

You are absolutely worth spending money on and it's important to your mental health to feel good about yourself. Exercise, haircuts (very important, I have a simple pixie that doesn't need a lot of work from me but looks sharp. I don't dye my hair, that for me is too much money for not enough reward), and wearing nice clean clothes that aren't worn out is important. You don't need to spend a fortune. And all the stuff like manicures or facials or plucking eyebrows or shaving legs are only worth doing if you want to do them, don't do them because you feel you have to. I feel perfectly respectable with my legs that get shaved once (for Christmas!) between September and May.

Count I think you’re right. My youngest has just turned 2 and I’m starting to feel like there should be more to me than baby-rearing again.

I agree, their products are wonderful and so cheap - I used to pay around £30 for hyaluronic acid but The Ordinary charge about £5.
You can get a wagon-load of wonderful, state of the art, skin enhancing potions from them for less than you'd pay for a good moisturiser.

As CountFosco said, you sort of reach a stage where you start to focus on you. It took me 3yrs with dc1 and 2yrs with dc2. If you are already walking and cycling, then that's a massive thing already done.

Do things that make you feel good. I don't bother with threading eyebrows etc. as after many years of plucking strays, they only need the occasional pluck and a bit of eyebrow pencil. Often it's quite little things that make a difference and that might be different for you than someone else.

Something small like new accessories can perk you up too, bag, scarf, sunglasses, lipstick, nail varnish. Any one of those things can be a start and seem easier than a big overhaul.

I'm in the same boat Judge - I became a SAHM after our third DS- he is now three. I don't need clothes- I need to lose weight to be able to wear the ones I have. Money is tight but we manage- just no big holidays etc. What I've found really helpful is most days DH & I throw our €1 and €2 coins into a jar. We then use that money for luxuries- haircut, eyebrows, moisturisers, cinema trip etc. That way it doesn't seem like such a big hit when we need to spend on those things.

I'm on progesterone based bc & my hairs still oilier than before but better than it was in the first 3 months.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B01NANWGRK/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8

I'm always reccomending this mask but it really does work.

From the ordinary I use the nicanamide for AM oil control, Reservatrol for pm anti oxidant ie aging prevention, alpha lipoic acid for 2 X a week antioxidant boost, 30% alpha hydroxy acid peel & caffeine for around the eyes.

Sali Hughes recommends the Simple Micellar water in this weeks Guardian column (I’m a fan, so shoot me), and no one can complain about buying Simple skincare. Just wipe it over your skin morning and evening, and apply a moisturiser, with SPF, if you can.

Now see the hair dressers as a time to sit with no interruptions for an hour, if you have a colour even more, and you get to read a trashy mag! And they bring you tea/coffee.

What do you wear now? I live in jeans. Buy a new, flattering pair that fit really well. And a top you like, and fits. If this goes well and makes you feel better, double this outfit, so you have something you like, when the other is in the wash.

I need me time to be a good parent, don’t be ashamed that you need it too.

I totally get how you feel. I hit total rock bottom last year, and in turn completely neglected myself. Once I’d got to the stage where I wanted to change it, I started to just make little changes. I do my eyebrows and nails on a Thursday when my little one goes to his Dads and my husband takes his daughter out (I bought cheap gel lamp so it takes about 40 minutes to do my nails but they last all week). I dye my own hair but go to a nearby “speed salon” for a dry cut every month. Every 3 months I go for a proper cut and blow dry.
I also bought myself a pair of skinny jeans, a pair of straight leg jeans, and a load of plain long sleeved tees from Primark. I pretty much only wear those with either long boots, trainers, or heels with a long necklace, stud earrings, nice watch, and a smart bag. It’s boring but easy to maintain.
Then once I felt happy doing that, I joined loads of makeup/skincare groups on Facebook which now inspires me to try new stuff, I’m aware of bargains, and swear by some cheaper brands which are just as good as very high end.
Small steps mama, you’ve got this xx

Oh and lipstick/eyebrows. Honestly I can feel like absolute crap but if I put on a B.B. cream, mascara, do my brows and put on a bright lipstick, I feel good. Make Up Revolution at Superdrug are great, and surprisingly, Primark are very good.
Side note - the guy in charge of Primark makeup used to work for MAC. It’s shockingly good quality for so cheap.

If you are looking for jeans, there are loads in tkmaxx atm: diesel, g-star, topshop, Ralph Lauren. You can pick up something good quality for less. I had a massive trying on session and came away with a bargainous, flattering pair.

Also, what things do you have that you like? Does a particular style or colour of clothing suit you that you can replicate. Having a "uniform" that works is a good start. In a lot of this cold weather, I am often wearing straight or skinny trousers/jeans, tucked in warm calf-length or ankle boots, some kind of base layer and a warm jumper. Having a small palette of colours to stick to makes life easier as well.

This thread has inspired me to get some new tops to wear with my skinnies. Spent £30 in Primark and cane out with 8 long sleeved tees in various colours and patterns, and a stretchy t-shirt dress to layer under jumpers.
I’ve literally made zero effort today apart from some lipstick and eyebrows, and had a random woman comment that I looked nice ( ). A big scarf and lippie can hide a multitude of sins apparently!

I don't understand the hairdresser thing; out of all my frisnds who bother with the hair dresser, only one looks like she does if you know what i mean? and she gets a cut/colour/highlights and is slim and French I honeztly find the hair cut as essentail weird unless you have very unmanageable or weirdly shaped hair.
I'd say prioritise exercise. An hours walk with DC in pram everyday and an hour hoolahooping while Mumsnetting every evening. Eat more fruit and veg, drink water. Cost=bugger all. Look on ebay and in charity shops for good brands and fabrics for TU prices. File and paint nails once a week, fingers and toes. Mademoiselle by Essie makes nails look glossy and healthy but doesn't look skanky if chipped so will do a week. Deep condition hair regularly with whatever is on offer.

A better haircut would make my hair compliment-able again. The last hairdresser took all the layers out and I can now longer get any volume into it. It is now one length, an unremarkable brown colour, lank and boring looking. My own DM could not believably say “your hair looks nice” to me atm. It used to be an ok feature.

I’m not going to have it coloured because maintaining that would be too expensive, but a cut would help. I hope!!

I have also checked online and I have a tk maxx and a primark in driveable distance.

DH and I have had a chat about money to try and make sure I can feel like I’ve saved something for myself, rather than feeling like I’m taking money out of the collective household pot. So if we can make that work for a month or two then that might inspire me to spend a bit, hopefully!