I'm such a cliche....how do I get back to 'me'?

[TheGrallon]

I've just turned 35 and my children are toddlers.

In my twenties and early 30's I had a very distinct style - jet black dyed hair, flicky eyeliner, tea dresses, clumpy shoes etc.

I've put on weight after the children, though I have always been plus sized, and swapped my dresses for jeans so I can bend down and chase infants without being arrested.

My dresses don't even suit me anymore anyway as pregnancy left me with split stomach muscles so, even before the additional weight, my figure has drastically altered and I still look a bit preggers in my pre-baby frocks.

I dabbled with lighter hair colour as I no longer want to maintain such a dark shade. I went red but that's now faded to a horrid orange with about 3 months of grey roots. It's in a chin length bob which doesn't suit me but my hair is now far finer and more flyaway post-kids.

My usual go-to make up doesn't sit right anymore, my eyes have gone a bit hooded and crepey so the mega eyeliner I used to rely on now looks more Baby Jane than Betty Page.

I know I need to 'move on' and embrace my 30's but I have no idea what to do!

Lose weight yes, I know that will help with finding different clothes I like....but what else, what to do with hair and make up?

I paid a fortune for a hairdresser and ended up with orange on orange highlights...I've tried several and they don't seem to want to guide me towards anything and I am not sure what I want.

Help -I'm overwhelmed!!!

Sorry no great advice for you.

Perhaps you could look at a few plus size bloggers.

Google tutorials on make up for your age group.

Unfortunately you are entering into the " plus sized people between 35 and 45 don't need quality clothing" zone .

Fashion retailers seem to think this age group live in leggings and waterfall cardigans.

My daughter likes Eden jeggings from Dorothy Perkins she would be size 18/20 and seems to do well in Dorothy Perkins. What about trying Urban Decay or Mac makeup counters for a makeover?

Sorry I'm no fashionista but I feel your pain ;-)

P.s disappointed you haven't had more traffic on your post.

TheGrallon " and swapped my dresses for jeans so I can bend down and chase infants without being arrested. "

this really made me lol.

seriously, not sure how much help I can be but here goes...I am in the process of losing weight. When I gained weight, I found part of the problem was that I don't like the clothes that suit me now, so the only way round it is to lose weight or just have the clothes that don't thrill me. TBH it's not really a big deal for me. But I don't know that shops are to blame - unless you can't find stuff you are specifically looking for. If it's that, then tell us what you are looking for and maybe we can help?

re make up, it sounds like you need a change, I would go to a makeup counter and ask them for suggestions from scratch.

Hair - what's your natural colour? What about just going with it and keeping it in good condition? I am a minimum hassle person. I am growing out layers and just looking to have a midlength sleek style after that. Babyliss Big Hair has been good for me. I lost hair after an illness (it's coming back) but I found that a handy thing to have.

I think its normal for your style to change over the years... I think there are a few things that might help and make it seem less overwhelming

• start looking at magazines/blogs/catalogues and pinterest the styles you like so you can work out a 'theme'
• start with some easy wins - nails, skincare, makeup, before moving onto clothes (trickier to work out when to buy new things if you are losing weight)

... clothes have a massive trying on session with your own stuff, box up (don't chuck out) anything that isn't working/doesn't feel you anymore and go from there

good luck!

I love this blogger archedeyebrow.com/ - I'm actually not plus-sized, but often feel inspired by the things she wears, and also her zero fucks attitude. I'd second the idea of having a makeup lesson/session with one of the counters, maybe Bobbi Brown? They could advise you on ways to adapt your usual look to suit you better now, or a complete change. I wear next to no eye makeup (just neutral shadow and mascara, sometimes fine flicky eyeliner) but always wear bold lipstick, either red or hot pink - might that be something you would consider if your usual eye makeup doesn't work so well now?

Oh, and I'd also do a massive ASOS order of all the things you quite like, have a huge trying on session, and then send back everything you don't want. Even if you send back everything, it's a good opportunity to see different styles and try stuff on in your own time in your own house - plus free delivery and returns.

I know you're only 35 but look at the blog "does my bum look 40 in this". She's very slim but has nice style.

It sounds like you had a very stylised and quite "young" look previously and that will become difficult for you anyway as you get older. Is there a celeb you admire the style of?

Personally I think artificial hair colours (dyed black, red, orange) are very difficult unless you're feeling confident in yourself. Could you go to a more natural base colour with some highlights/lowlights? What is your natural colouring?

What about a free session at John Lewis?

I'm going to go for one, but have set myself a target of losing 7lbs first - then it will be my treat.

Thank you all...I am naturally a sort of cool mid brown with a fair bit of grey now it seems. I am thinking of just leaving it (and have been stalking the grey threads here) which is fine long term but the present mess isn't doing much of the lack of confidence.

I did have a v stylised look before and am not naturally drawn to anything 'soft' or 'pretty' so the flattering low lights and waterfall cardigans that hairdressers and clothes shops have been offering me feel really 'wrong' and I find myself looking at bright young things with pastel hair. Reality check required.

I think I will go to a MAC counter and maybe Bobbi brown...I've been putting it off until I am 'happy with myself' but I think it could be the best place to start.

I think half the problem with clothes is that I don't know what I am looking for as I don't 'know' the body I am dressing.

I love all the plus sized blogs and they all look amazing - arched eyebrow, corner of the curve, sugar, darling?, Stephanie Zwicky - a lot of their stuff is from ASOS curve so I should really just do the mega order and see what 'sticks'.

I'm actually only about a size bigger than my 'usual' weight .....it's confidence, it's about me not really seeing me when I look in the mirror....the old me would have whacked a box dye on top of this mess and styled it out, not spent her lunch hours dithering between Boots hair dye shelves and the local hairdressers.

If you used to do jet black hair I would try a dark chocolate brown with ash not copper tones. Also do you like the hair scarf look? Sounds like it might be 'you' and give you some options if you are growing out the length.

Make up wise get your brows shaped, use mascara but maybe experiment with bright lips if you no longer want to emphasise your eyes?

Clothes wise - go back to the style you love but make it work for your new lifestyle/figure.

How about: Jeans with a vest top under a plaid shirt red or yellow or blue

Denim shirt with black jeans or jeggins

black cold-shoulder top love this and could be dressed up for night out or down for everyday.

off the shoulder sweatshirt wear with contrast colour vest straps showing.

What coat/jacket have you got? That can be a great way to pull a look together - i'd go for a denim or leather jacket and maybe a fake fur gilet that you can layer over when it's colder? Also get some good boots that make your heart happy - biker style would go with jeans or dresses.

A longer length jumper dress would be lovely with thick tights and boots.

If you are feeling more adventurous try out some of the 70s maxis that are all in fashion this winter, something like this layered up with a denim jacket, fur gilet, chunky boots and bright lipstick would look ace.

That's just my style Faux!

I tried that scarf trick the other day but it sort of popped off my head...it was a silk scarf though so maybe I need a cotton one to stop the slip.

I'm a bit scared to go over what I have with dark brown as I bought a box and had a reaction to the skin test after years of having no problems.

Those are fab ideas.....my coats are a green mac in two sizes too big (I can't tell you why, I just grabbed it), a black woollen one which is exactly the same and a fake-Seasalt waxy 'anorak' from Tesco and also a size too big.

Whatever I have at the minute is either ill fitting or grabbed in haste 'because I am a mess anyway and I'll sort it out when I have lost weight/sorted hair/conquered life'.

I need to invest in myself a bit more don't I?

very practical starting pointers from pdx and great suggestions from faux fox. Only to add to them a hair dye suggestion . I've been trying pink, purple and peacock- and found the grey picks them up and the brown doesn't . The mix looks great .

I think you have to get the basics right. you can still have a stylised look with flattering low lights in your hair. Mine is a chestnut brown with low lights and its a good base for all sorts of looks, whether stylised or not. The haircut doesn't need to restrict you to one look IYSWIM

i meant one color at a time! but have seen rainbow!

I feel much the same. I was a bit of a rock chick in my teens and twenties, in my thirties it was the urban commando look. At 42 I don't want to look like an ageing rock chick but hate the Mumsy look.

I have discovered make up and hair tutorials and love to have a fiddle around and experiment. You can find advice for age, skin type and eye shape. I did a search on what clothes fit my body shape, that was a revelation and gives me a set of rules to follow when picking clothes

I think you need to get ordering from ASOS and get to the make up counter. It will give you a boost, improve your confidence and get the ball rolling to finding fabulous you again.

You know if this wasn't mumsnet I'd give you all a proper hug!!!

Get ordering NOW! But only keep it if it makes you want to do a dance of triumph! You are looking for perfect, not just 'it'll do' (that's why you have a coat that does you no favours). Fauxfox gave you some brilliant ideas.
Pinterest? Or google someone whose style looks interesting and see what else they wear.
Would the scarf stay in hair with kirby grips? It looks fab so worth cheating!
Oh and blusher can really help slightly older skin ... Not that you are, but I started using it when I was in my 30s and had my first child ... If you aren't emphasising your eyes so much, maybe you need a bit of ooomph that way. A cheapish cream blusher might do the job.

lotsofponies - what is the urban commando look please?

i got curious and looked up the urban commando look on pinterest. Really amusing! Apparently female commandos are wearing stilettos[good for foot stabbing?] and tattered sexy jeans and flowy tops. meanwhile their male counterparts are dressed for the real business=hidden under dark hoodies, dark jeans in excellent condition and not tight either, sneakers / flat boots. Hmm?

You wear your hair everyday so I would make that a priority in terms of what to sort out first. Agree about going back to a more natural base and then having some high/low lights. I have mid Brown hair but lots of greys. I have a mix of cream caramel and deep pinky red highlights. The regrowth is far more subtle than block colour.
I'm a skinny Manny but love looking at Stephanie Zwicky for style ideas. Wardrobe basics such as black jeans, check shirt, denim shirt, slogan or motif t-shirts and a biker jacket could work well for day to day. You could pick shoes and boots that feel like 'you' to accessorize.

I was the sale rail ill fitting leggings wearing ex edgy frumpy mum. I'm in the middle of an overhaul! I started with new well fitting underwear. New makeup and lots of help from YouTube. Lisa Eldridge has been good as some others are a bit heavy and drag queen like. I'm going for skirts, a line to pencil to mini and a mixture of tops and jumpers. I've bought new flat edgy boots, Asos do some great winter boots but size up! I'm losing weight and once I've saved up a bit more I'm going on a personal shopping trip. I've started doing retro hair and wearing lipstick which makes a huge difference.

Definitely hair and make up first! Also what's your underwear like? Bad underwear will make everything look bad and good underwear can do wonders for your confidence.

As you like edgy/different I'd be tempted to shift you towards vintage/retro styles. Definitely do an Asos order. I'd also suggest you try a few online vintage/retro suggestions. Maybe boyfriend jeans with braces, dungarees with biker boots and a nice shirt underneath.

Pencil midi dresses can be extremely flattering. You need a massive try on of everything you'd never wear

Yes to ASOS Curve and to a make up counter visit. I'm definitely not giving up my eyeliner yet and I'm early 30s so I'm hoping there's a grown up way of doing it!

Biggest yes of all though in investing in yourself and feeling good when you look in the mirror. My starting points are make up, hair, nice nails and nice bra. But whatever works for you.

Oh and if you can get a hairscarf to stay put then tell us all your secrets please!

Mmm, perhaps my look wasn't urban commando. I wore skinny t's or layered t's with tight tops and combat trousers with DM's or trainer. I could only do stilettos if it meant no standing up!

This thread is full of such lovely advice and support! Nothing else to add except listen to everyone telling you not to sacrifice your style and personality because you are too fat/old/whatever. No point feeling like a compromise for the next 50 years. And also seconding the vote for ASOS curve, do a big order and try loads on.

I totally get what you mean about not liking the neutral soft pretty look.at 50 I went from my copper to blond to try n look my age and it really was not me!
I'd adapt your look .dont lose you !
Rockabilly ? Jeans . Shirt .hair bow.strong lip ?
Some retro dress web sites do plus sizes .you could slap
Leggings under and again a strong lip .just an adapted version of you - and still you !! ??