Please help me de-frump!

[bakingtins]

I'm normally a stranger to the style and beauty boards but I need your help! I have been reading the 'frump' threads which keep appearing in active convos with interest and I think I qualify by anyone's definition.
I'm 40 in a few months and have spent the last decade pregnant, miscarrying and miserable or breastfeeding. I've completely lost sight of who I am. Currently 4m post-natal with DC3, I'm pear shape and still a stone overweight (though I am working on it) and nothing fits. I wear v little make-up and my hair is a scruffy bob, dark blonde would be polite, mousy accurate. I have spent very little money or time on myself for the last 10 years, I have a wardrobe stuffed full of clothes I never wear, most of which is old, cheap and shapeless. I just want to throw the whole lot out and start again! It's hard to find time to shop without kids in tow, and I am terrible at shopping, I tend to panic and buy the wrong thing. I did have my colours done as a gift a few years ago (autumn)
The school my older children attend is in quite a deprived area - the mothers are either way overweight and hiding away in shapeless joggers and tents, or dressed to the nines (bleached hair, extensions, fake tan, big earrings, tight clothes) so I'm not seeing a 'look' I want to copy. I walk to school in all weathers and have a dog so it all needs to be practical.
I don't know where to shop, which shops cater for the middle ground between whippet skinny teenagers and M&S beige slacks?
I want to look groomed/chic but not too worried about trendy. I would be perfectly happy with a 'uniform' as long as it looks good.
I'm doing a 12 week program which incorporates diet, core exercises for my midriff and HIIT - hoping to be at least 12lb lighter and more toned by the end of it, I'm going to get my hair cut on Friday and will discuss getting it coloured as the grey is creeping in, and I've made an appointment to get my brows and lashes shaped and tinted.
What next? Please suggest some manageable changes I can make to banish the frump before I hit 40. I really need Trinny and Susannah on my case without the public humiliation.
Thanks if you read this far!

Hiya

How about you find a morning to yourself (however you can manage that!) and book in with Debenhams or John Lewis personal shopper.

I did this a few years ago and found it really helpful. They bring stuff to you - you can tell them in advance what you are looking for - which for me was the dreaded 'smart casual'. It made me for the first time really think about what I was wearing - how to show off what I had and how to put stuff together - I already knew what colours suited me I just needed someone to point out what shapes looked good. It's made me much quicker at shopping as I can head straight to what I know will suit me. I had my make up done at a MAC counter at the same time. It made a huge difference. (Disclaimer - my sister tried Debenhams and didn't have a good experience - but I think she was just unlucky).

....

What's your budget? I'm 37 and four months post DC2 and also have a stone to lose. At the moment I'm wearing tight black stretch jeans from m&s in a size larger (£19.50 bargain) with all my old tops. I wear a vest underneath them for breastfeeding.
I'm lucky enough to have a fairly large clothes budget and so buy my clothes mainly from the White Company (with 20% discount), French Connection, Boden (the non frump stuff), with the odd thing from Oasis, Pure Collection and Hobbs. If money is tight, focus in good shoes, bag and coat. Wear cheap jeans and more expensive tops etc. it is hard as so many shops are either teenage or granny!

Ps knee high flat boots are chic but good for the school run, I have a north face parka which is waterproof but fairly stylish. I find shoes make all the difference. For example, I can be wearing black jeans and a. Lack t shirt but a pair of tan sandals with a beautiful diamanté trim (mine are Mint Velvet) transforms the outfit

maybe book a make up session at a Bobbi Brown counter? They are very good and no hard sell.

Can you think about a 'uniform' of maybe nice jeans ( skinny or otherwise) with nice tops- vest with cardis, nice knitwear, scarves, etc.

Do you like skirts and dresses?

Do you like knee high or ankle boots?

Hi Bakingtins,

I would recommend on focusing on a few non clothes things until you have finished your 12 week programme - you don't want to go out and buy lots of things, only for them to be too big for you a few weeks down the line.

To me, frumpyness isn't just about wearing clothes that fit you well, and that won't date too quickly. It's also more generally about "losing yourself" after putting your own needs last for so long.

First of all, find a hair cut or style that works for your face, but takes absolute minimum styling. You could speak to a hairdresser about how to make your hair work with it's own texture, and cuts that would be quick to style (e.g getting a few layers cut in, and simply drying it upside down for volume then giving it a comb). Maybe he might recommend growing it a little to give you more options. Whatever! Over done hair is far more ageing than hair that looks natural imo.

Avoid highlights like the devil. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. They are a bastard to maintain, expensive, difficult to find someone who does them well, and no matter how mousey someone's hair, it looks better healthy and mousey, than highlighted, slightly frazzled at the ends, with three months of roots as the person hasn't had time to get them re done. (disclaimer: I highlighted my hair for YEARS. I stopped over a year ago and have grown my hair back to natural colour. It is SO much better!!!)

Take a bit of care of yourself more generally - things like taking a multivitamin, eating well, plucking your eyebrows (HUGELY IMPORTANT) trying to get some decent sleep, using body cream (if you like it), doing sport, and using a good moisteriser/eye cream.

On that note, go to clinique or wherever and get an eye cream, moisteriser and face wash. And use them EVERY DAY!!.

These are all things that will make YOU feel better about yourself, and give you more confidence that you deserve some time dedicated to making yourself happy. If you don't think you are important enough to spend a few seconds each day putting on eye cream or whatever, then you probably won't think you are important enough to spend a bit of time to pull an outfit together.

Get some good underwear - I don't know if you are breastfeeding, but once your body has settled down, do go out and get some good quality, practical, yet pretty underwear. Not only to help clothes fit properly, but also just because. I have no idea why matching underwear feels so special, but it does. It's a mystery of life.

Buy just a couple of good quality make up products you know you will use - If your skin care is good, you shouldn't need much anyway. Something like a tinted moisteriser, an eyebrow pencil, lipbalm, cream concealer and cream blush. That should take you 90 seconds. Max. It's still very natural, but a little more polished.

So far you're already three quarters of the way out of frumpsville and we haven't even touched on clothes.

Actually KKB I don't think that's fair to say highlights are a no-no.
I have very subtle ones, there is no re-growth at all and I have them done once every 9-12 months.

You're getting there! It's not easy

Eyebrows
Wax upper lip also

haircut

shoes - brown leather flats, metallic flats & amazon do good selection of winter boots

Coat - greys/navy/ warm / gilet?

I'd do top cardigan scarf combo with good fitting dark wash jeans and your coat/mac

8 good tops - long sleeve & short sleeve tops can wear with cardigans

Hth

I don't think they are a huge no no for absolutely everybody, but at the same time I think a lot of people get into a make over mode, and then come back with a full head of highlights. Inevitably the up keep ends up causing more problems than it's worth.

Out of curiosity - if your highlights are so subtle that you only have to get them done every year (so with six inches of completely unnoticeable re-growth)...what is the point of having them?

Not to be rude - just wondering what the point is if you don't notice any difference between your virgin hair and the coloured!

Hi KKB!

Try to answer...

my natural hair colour often looked as if it was highlighted anyway ( people would ask) as it was/ is dark blonde with quite a bit of gold/auburn in it.

As I've aged ( am 50+) there was some grey appearing so the highlights cover that up and blend in with my natural colour. I have 3 shades put in- my own colour, a lighter blonde and a goldy tone. All very fine. Last time I just had 20 foils in total along the crown and parting area.

practical is good. You sound a fresh-air type and with 3 kids, practical is essential!

get to an outdoors shop and buy some all weather trousers (not waterproofs!) - The craghoppers type. I wear these a lot and they look good and dry quickly if it rains. Add some decent walking shoes and you are good to go. Top half is whatever is appropriate to the weather - I am quite often in a vest top as I get warm. Decent bra too, avoid itchy lace and silly colours. And there is no greater morale booster than a new pair of knickers, Asda or otherwise!

jeans are good if you aren't going to get wet, cold or hot. They are not designed for the UK climate so are a fashion item only for those who don't spend all their time indoors.

hair tidy and comfortably styled - don't worry about grey, get outside enough and you get blonde streaks, or get some hairdresser help.

wear sunscreen, no other cream has any effect at all. All beauty ads are lies.

not multivitamins - eat food.

SpecialSubject - it's extremely hard work to figure out a diet which encompasses all of the recommended daily intake of minerals, proteins, vitamins...etc. Unless someone has the time, finances and energy to dedicate themselves to this then a multivitamin is a good way of picking up any areas that you miss whilst eating a healthy and varied diet. This is especially true if the OP is still breastfeeding, vegetarian, or still recovering from pregnancy.

PS, Just to add that we live in the middle of the countryside - it's difficult to be more fresh air than in our miniscule hamlet.

Jeans are worn by pretty much everyone - they were designed to be tough, durable and warm, so they're pretty practical. The denim mix jeans (mainly for women - so denim with a bit of stretch), are a good alternative as well, as you can get fitted styles which are very comfortable to move in.

can i second the personal shopper idea. i did this a while back and it was great.....got a few key pieces which weren't things i would normally have bought. try and book someone or go to a shop you like when its quiet and pick on someone you like the look of (the latter is what i did). go with an idea of what sort of clothes you need though, eg casual things especially trousers and tops etc. this might be best done once you have sorted our wardrobe - can someone help you if you are struggling (try things on and bin if don't fit are awful)

I'd buy some nice shoes or boots that you can wear everyday. There probably isn't much point in spending a lot of money on clothes now when they may not fit you in a couple of months, so I'd save the pennies and go shopping when you have reached your target weight. I like the Clarks Hamble brogues, but I know they aren't everyone's cup of tea.

Second cloutie on not spending too much on fitted stuff with a newish DC - I made the mistake of buying a few new pairs of good jeans when I was feeling frumpy a few months postpartum with DS1 ("I have lost all the weight I'm going to lose!") and then promptly dropped two dress sizes. OTOH, there's definitely something to be said for buying some nice stuff that fits you now, otherwise you can end up skulking around in ill-fitting clothes for ages waiting for your shape to stabilize, which is very depressing.

Definitely think your upcoming haircut and eyebrow shape will make a difference, also maybe try a trip to one of the makeup counters that do fairly everyday-but-better stuff to pick up a sheer base, cheek colour, and a nice lipstick or too - Bobbi Brown is very good for that kind of thing. I only really discovered the magical power of blusher during the sleep deprived new baby period as apparently when I am tired I turn grey...

Thanks everyone for suggestions so far, keep them coming!

To answer questions, yes I am still breastfeeding, and will carry on until DD is 1+ so that limits clothing choices a bit. Currently in awful ugly soft nursing bras but now my boobs have settled down will invest in some nicer underwired feeding bras.
I'm not intending to hit the shops until I hit target weight, just trying to formulate a plan so I don't flouder when I do. Thinking about it, I can't actually remember the last time I went clothes shopping (as opposed to picking up something in the supermarket with 2/3 kids in tow)

Underwired feeding bras are the bomb - I swear by the Anita ones. You might also want to see if you can find some Boob Design feeding tops (they're pricey but sometimes turn up on sale/eBay) as I found them a godsend in the early days: v easy to feed in but you're not wearing two layers/something really baggy, which I found made a big difference when I was in that postnatal "waaarrghhh, where has my waist gone" period. They have nice stripy Breton ones - I know Breton tops are a bit "mum uniform" but I like them, particularly with straight/skinny jeans and ankle boots.

If you have any charity shops nearby you could get some jeans which fit now and see which styles/brands you prefer. That is a good way to shop when you know your weight is dropping and body shape changing.
And yes look on ebay for feeding bras/post-natal girdles which are good for waist reduction!

It might be a good idea to pick up some very basic wardrobe staples that you can use to see you through until you reach your target weight. You don't need to spend lots of money on them, and obviously your wardrobe won't be very varied, but it will help you get in the habit of wearing clothes that fit better, and pulling outfits together.

As a starting point I would recommend getting a tiny capsule wardrobe of practical things, such as:

A simple dress - like THIS that skims your hips, is a lovely (but neutral) colour, and that you can dress up or down. Avoid prints. This would look great with pale pink, navy or silver flats, with a navy coat on top. If you skip jewellery and go for natural make up it won't look ott. You can get very cheap flats that still look nice. Or you can splash out on some good quality ones - your feet won't change size will they?

Some dark denim jeans in a straight leg cut - skinny jeans are pretty unflattering for pears. I know this as I'm also a pear. Straight leg are less "trendy" and much more flattering. You can probably pick up a pair from gap, but do try lots on to make sure the fit is good. Ask if they stretch much, etc. These are only to tide you through until you can splash out on good quality jeans.

A couple of classic nursing tops - like THIS. If you will be breastfeeding for a while it makes sense to splash out a tiny bit on a decent top. PLus you can wear it when you stop as well.

Some plain vest tops - go for plain ones with no pattern in a colour that suits you.

That will help you to start looking very stylish on a small budget, whilst giving you a little bit of variety as well. You can also take a look at what you have in your wardrobe and see if you can re work anything to make it look better on you.

I made an effort to move away from 'frumpy' a couple of years ago, DS is 9, I've always liked fashion but it really was put aside when he was younger. I cringe at some of the things I wore when he was younger.

My first thing to do was to look out for someone, famous or not, whose style I liked then think about the type of clothes they wear coupled with whats practical.

I'm outdoorsy but like fashion, I need clothes that I can muck about in the garden/walk the dog with, then change my footwear and/or jacket & look more stylish.

I try to wear simple basics but maybe one item that is a bit 'different'. So my jeans, top & cardi will be plain but I'll wear unusual shoes/boots.

My 'uniform' of sorts is fitted longish t-shirt (long sleeve if cold), usually black but sometimes print, not too fussy though, long cardi, skinny jeans and boots/trainers/flats. My smarter boots are black biker style, smarter trainers are animal print, dog walking are hiking boots/trainers.

Flats are embellished ballet pumps or sandals.

I find skinny jeans (but not skintight, I have skinny legs so normal skinnies in my size are never tight, but relaxed skinnies might be a better description) really practical, they don't get soaked around the bottom like other jeans when out walking

I love jewellery so wear a few silver bracelets & statement pendant or patterned scarf in colder weather to feel more 'dressed'.

My style inspirations are Charlotte Gainsbourg and Emmanuelle Alt.

Sorry, that was a bit of an essay

Nice capsule wardrobe, kaykay, but a simple dress is not going to be much use during the day to a BF mum! Unless it's a nursing/nursing-accessible dress, obviously, or she enjoys taking all her clothes off...

Gap are actually pretty good for denim at the mo, think one of the designers from Cos is doing it.

mrsPMT I think Charlotte and Emmanuelle would look good in a bin bag! Me, not so much. Your take on a capsule wardrobe sounds workable though, thanks.

I've never seen the point of nursing tops that flap down, it just exposes your whole boob. I got some nursing vests from Jojo MB, but haven't really got on with them, not supportive enough not to wear a bra underneath, then you get visible bra straps so need a layer on top anyway.Since I'm short tops I can pull up work better and DD hides the mum-tum.

The Boob design tops flap up rather than flap down, IYKWIM, they really don't reveal anything much (unless you have a toddler who enjoys waving the flap bit up and down). But yeah, tops you can pull up work fine too - I have a really long torso so child didn't actually hide much until he was practically walking....

Everything. MrsPMT said - love both Charlotte Gainsbourg no Emmanuelle Alt - they prob would look good in anything, but the clothes they do dress in, style wise (not price wise I am sure!), can be found on the high street - black/grey skinnies, blazers, biker jackets, plain t-shirts in neutral colours.

I also agree with kaykayblue re trying not to buy too much if you plan on losing weight. Focus on skin, hair, nails, eyebrows etc first.

Good luck op! We have all been there