So fat DH won't come near me

[Fuem]

Hi just need to unload really, after health probs and early menopause (38) 3 years ago iv put on 3 half stone it's gone on gradually but lately it's going on quick. My dh has doesn't say much, just he can see I'm putting on weight, but his actions say more, no cuddles no contact what so ever. He just turns over at bedtime and goes to sleep.

I know if I don't sort this we will split up. Before all this we were very close I just can't believe it's come to this.
I think the only way is to live on veg and fish, cut out all bread, alcohol and fatty foods for the rest of my life.
has anyone tips on diet after menopause. Taking 1mg Elleste solo HRT now I thought this would help when I started it but I think it's making things worse

Also a size 16 isn't especially big op, don't get into a punishment mentality, lose weight if it matters to you and you care, but remember lots of women are that size and feel ok about themselves and their partners don't think they are unattractive. Well done for getting yourself a better job and better qualifications, good for you, much more important than dieting to your happiness.

Thanks hermione123 I am much happier at work. I work with a lot of ladies now and have been looking around the office where there are a fair amount of curvier ladies with buckets of confidence, so am going to try and be more positive. Im a lot stronger in a lot of areas since my illness, ovarian cancer, (there said it, it's called the illness at home as the 'c' word makes dh uncomfortable, he found it all difficult as some people do) so I wonder if we are just adjusting to being different people all round. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week!

Thants can you really not get your head round physical attraction? Really?!

If my DP gained loads of weight it would make me less physically attracted to him. Without a doubt. Even if he had a little protruding pouch of a tummy I would find it a bit off putting. It wouldn't change how much I love him and care about him, but it would change my hysical attraction to him, and that is a big thing. Not the biggest thing, but a big thing.

Sorry for the hijack

Are you sure this is about the weight? It sounds like your changed body upsets you but I wonder if you are trying to mind read your DH. You have been through so much, no wonder things feel hard or different.

Overmydeadbody. Of course I understand physical attraction. But my attraction to the person I am choosing to spend my entire life with is not so fragile that a difference in his body shape stops me finding him attractive!
You realise ageing means weight gain and your partners body will change? He will also look older. Prepare yourself.
I also think it's wrong to assume that weight gain means unattractive. Not everyone thinks thin = hot. The ops partner may have no issue with her body and not think fatter is worse, she is simply assuming this because she feels badly about her body.

Focus on yourself, not on his view of you. See your G.P about your menopause and maybe your emotional wellbeing, you may want to get your thyroid checked. Allow yourself a period of time to adjust to the huge changes your body is going through. You need to be kind to yourself and begin to look after yourself. Then you will start to feel more confident.
I am constantly sadden by the lack of discussion about the Menopause, as young girls we are well prepared for the onset of puberty and periods but the other end is neglected and its so important that we, as women, support each other & share x

Hi I've just joined a thread on early menopause, wish I'd found it sooner

Thants we're not talking 6 weeks post partum here (when quite frankly, we all felt like we'd been hit by a bus). This was past 6 months, our baby was healthy, weaning, sleeping through. Why did I hate the extra weight so much? Because it doesn't fit my natural frame, it made me look unattractive to myself, is unhealthy, I couldn't fit into any of my clothes (and didn't see it as an opportunity to spank a load of money on buying new things)...I'm not sure why that would come as a surprise to you - particularly when the diet industry is what it is. My H didn't fall out of love with me, he didn't leave me and our child stranded because I'd changed size - he listened to me moaning about my weight, not fitting into my clothes, feeling unhealthy, and he asked how he could help me. He also admitted that he preferred me looking slimmer. I don't see it as being any different to someone saying they prefer you with long or short hair, make-up or no make-up.

Fuem I hope you find some answers on the early menopause thread, and things improve for you very soon x

I have put on half a stone after losing a stone with SW and I feel like crap again. My confidence has plummeted and I don't feel attractive.

I think you should forget your husbands reaction to this and concentrate on yourself. I can wholeheartedly recommend slimming world (I am back on it again today after four months away). It allows you to eat, a lot, it just steers you away from foods that fatten and onto foods that fill you up. As you are trying to normalise your hormones I would recommend the Original plan that concentrates on proteins an veggies with a few carbs.

I really believe that once you start to feel like you again and feel sexy your husband will start to look at you differently again. Confidence is a huge turn on. Some people have it in spades regardless of size, most people need to believe it themselves before they feel it.

Massive unMN hugs to you.

The daisy network is a support for women going through early menopause.

I feel for you: there are so many ways our bodies change whereas men's stay the same. It's hard to find yourself again, if you look very different to "yourself". I have friends who are coming to terms with their mastectomies, and post baby bellies very different too aren't they?

You may want to have a few "when you don't cuddle me, I feel saddened, and rejected" conversations with your DH.
Don't blame, just state "when you do this, or when this happens, I feel Y" and listen to what he has to say too. It may well be that he is a very visual guy, and is also feeling sad about the end of his childbearing years also, iyswim. It's up to him though to express himself.

Contact the daisy network- they may have counselling for both of you on offer.

Chin up!

You said that you'd been through cancer. I wondered if it was abit like when men don't want to have sex with their pregnant partners as they see them as fragile. Maybe he can't get over the illness. You need to talk to him.

I think munchkinmaster has a point. He can't use the term cancer so refers to it as your illness... and now you're well again he wants to keep you that way. The weight might worry him for health reasons...him keeping his distance could be more him trying to protect himself in case your weight affected your health.

Put on a pair of runners, get off the couch and out the door. Do it today. Start off walking and over the weeks work up to a slow jog. It will make you feel soooo much better.

Let me get this straight. You've had to deal with ovarian cancer and early menopause, and your husband is such a fragile flower that he can't even hear the c word and won't even give you a cuddle while you're going through the worst time in your life ever.

I'm sorry but I think he's being a total jerk to you and I'd advise you to start a new thread in Relationships. Yes, lose weight for your own health and wellbeing, but I'm sure you'd feel less need to comfort eat and drink if your husband was being emotionally supportive.