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Original poster

So fat DH won't come near me

39 replies

Fuem · 02/12/2013 06:18

Hi just need to unload really, after health probs and early menopause (38) 3 years ago iv put on 3 half stone it's gone on gradually but lately it's going on quick. My dh has doesn't say much, just he can see I'm putting on weight, but his actions say more, no cuddles no contact what so ever. He just turns over at bedtime and goes to sleep.

I know if I don't sort this we will split up. Before all this we were very close I just can't believe it's come to this.
I think the only way is to live on veg and fish, cut out all bread, alcohol and fatty foods for the rest of my life.
has anyone tips on diet after menopause. Taking 1mg Elleste solo HRT now I thought this would help when I started it but I think it's making things worse

OP posts:
KepekCrumbs · 02/12/2013 06:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Platinumpennies · 02/12/2013 06:29

Agree with Crumbs, he should be being supportive and helping you with self esteem. You may want to get this moved to Relationships.

Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 06:41

I tried talking to him last night, I think I was looking for reassurance. It makes me feel so needy which I hate being. I must get my life back in some order. I am a grown up after all!
The menopause has been a huge shock though, also my friends are still years away from all this so don't really understand, not their fault they just laugh about hot flushes etc. bf just had a baby,opposite ends of the scale
I'm new on here so I don't know how to move to relationships?

OP posts:
MildDrPepperAddiction · 02/12/2013 06:45

Half a stone isn't that much. He is the problem here, not your weight.

If you really wanted to lose weight try 5:2 or taking up exercise also but you really need to tackle your DH's lack of support for you.

Good luck.

fieldfare · 02/12/2013 06:52

Your dh is the issue, not your weight. It sounds like you've gone through something very stressful and your dh is being unsupportive. Why?

Yes, you're a grown up and the only person that can change your weight, however going through the menopause changes everything. Your head needs to be in the right "space" to tackle anything weight related and atm your head is just full of him being a bit of an arse.

Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 06:59

Dh feels my health issues are over now and I should move on. I think women are their hormones it's what sets our mood a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 07:05

If only half a stone, it's 3 and a half a stone. I've been using the treadmill for 20 minutes ago and have been walking to work, only a mile.
The 5:2 diet seems to come up a lot on here so I'm going to look into that.

Since being ill I've retrained and got myself a better job with better prospects so I know I can do things when I put my mind to it, it is getting your head in the right space.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 02/12/2013 08:00

There's a weight loss section on here too, lots of people go on there.

It's good to lose the weight for your own health.

Sleepwhenidie · 02/12/2013 08:07

I agree that you really need to talk to your DH and get him to understand how you are feeling and hopefully get his support. If that doesn't work then you have a bigger issue than your weight to deal with.

Having said that, I understand you want to lose weight, but drastic diets aren't the answer. A change in your thinking, as you say, is needed and IMO you need to come at it from a point of caring for and nourishing your body, not hating, depriving and punishing it. Have you changed how you eat, what is a typical day?

Thants · 02/12/2013 08:39

Why do you think the issue is your weight? Speak to him! He's your partner, find out what's wrong.
If it is your weight then you need to find a new partner because you need someone who will be there and care for you when you have health problems not just focus on whether you still look as sexually appealing to him.

carrie74 · 02/12/2013 10:23

Have you spoken to the dr about the weight gain? S/he may have some solutions to help.

My DH had a bit of a blip after my first child when the extra weight didn't just drop off me. I've always been naturally slim, and it was a real shock to both of us for me to settle at size 16 after years of being a 10. We spoke about it (it was handled very sensitively), and I started running and seeing a personal trainer. I signed up for a 5k race so I had to train (I'd never done any running), and I went out religiously 3 times a week. It did all come off, and things are good.

Since then (8 years ago), despite not being one of life's natural exercisers, I make time for it at least once a week (currently I'm seeing a personal trainer once a week, plus a circuits class once a week). For me now it's about being healthy only, I'm happy with my weight. Toned muscles is a nice side effect.

Twinklestein · 02/12/2013 10:29

My sis put on a lot of weight after 3 pregnancies, but her husband didn't treat her any differently, so it may not be that.

She joined weightwatchers and after food poisoning in which she dropped another half stone, is now back to a size 12.

It is do-able, so don't despair.

naturelover · 02/12/2013 10:53

I'd recommend a book called Your Change, Your Choice, I realise it's a bit late as you've gone through the menopause however the book is really good at normalising menopause.

It also gives fantastic lifestyle advice for dealing with the physical changes most women encounter.

Early menopause runs in my family and I have signs that it's not far away for me (same age as you).

I agree with everyone else who says this is a relationship issue.

Good luck - sounds like you've had a very rough time indeed.

Floisme · 02/12/2013 11:28

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. The menopause isn't just a physical change, it can be a time for regrets and early menopause must be even harder. I agree about posting in 'relationships' - you need more support from your husband and also, quite frankly, your friends.

I also agree that a quick-fix diet isn't the answer. I have friends who sing the praises of Weightwatchers. And perhaps, in the meantime, S&B can help you look your best while you lose the weight? There are some really knowledgeable posters around and, with a bit more info about your body shape (which often changes with the menopause), dress size and budget, I'm sure you would get some great advice. If you don't get much response then maybe post again with a new title? My tips are to start with your underwear as this makes all your clothes look better (read the bra threads!). Also to think about colour - don't hide away in black, unless of course it actually suits you. Good luck.

Thants · 02/12/2013 16:23

Wow Carrie that is awful.
You had a baby and your DH is worrying about himself. Christ what happens if you get ill? Lose your hair? Grow old Ffs? And he finds you less sexually appealing what's he gonna do then? How much will you have to change yourself for his erection? Surgery?

carrie74 · 02/12/2013 17:08

Not really Thants, but I appreciate the concern. It wasn't just about my husband, I was also unhappy: none of my clothes fitted, and I struggled to find my sense of self. Like I say, I've always been slim, and I'd assumed I'd bounce back into my normal shape naturally. When it didn't happen, it took a bit of talking to work out what I needed to do to get myself back. When talking, DH confessed that he was struggling to find me as physically attractive as he used to. Might sound awful to you, to me it was open and honest, and actually very hard for him to admit.

There have been no issues in our marriage, and funnily enough, my body did bounce back into shape after my second child (probably because I was running round after the toddler rather than sitting on the sofa constantly cuddling the baby like I could do first time Smile).

DH isn't terribly vocal on what he thinks about me looks-wise; this conversation was really out of character. And he is more supportive to me and our family than most husbands I come across IRL, I have none of the concerns you raise.

My response to the OP was to look at it from maybe a slightly different POV.

Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 17:19

Thanks everyone, that has really given me a lot to think about. I'm going to work on my self esteem first and healthy eating. I do eat a healthy diet at the moment just when I get down I tend to comfit eat and drink too much red wine. I know where I'm going wrong, before my health problems I could get away with it.
I have tried the control underware but found it very uncomfortable at mealtimes perhaps it just wasn't the right thing, I'll have a look on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 17:21

Btw I'm 5' 2in and a size 16 quite apple shape now

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 17:27

Did you dh act any differently to you carrie at that time? My dh isn't very vocal either, I have been wondering if it's his way of trying to push me into action. He's a good provider and a very practical person not overly emotional

OP posts:
StyleOverSubstance · 02/12/2013 17:36

Would suggest you see Doc to see if any medical reason for weight gain and how you feel in general as medication you have been given may not suit you. You need support from your DH, not withdrawal of affection as it sounds like you have had a rough time, is there any way you can get to an exercise class or go swimming with friends so you can have some adult time and relax which may help you feel better about yourself and give you some much needed support. Hope you find some support from other posters on this thread as there is some good advice given. Take care of yourself xx

daylily · 02/12/2013 17:43

Hi Fuem, I was in a similar place 3 years ago aged 51 and 1.5 stone overweight. It was being so unfit that worried me. I got myself to a gym and a personal trainer so the exercise obviously helped but what she got me to do was a sort of ease into low carbing:
only eat starchy carbs (bread, pasta, rice and potatoes) 3 times a week
cut out as much sugar as possible and if I did eat it with meals (really helped with mood and energy slumps)
protein in every meal and snack
eat every few hours so you don't really get hungry
no alcohol Mon to Thurs
I could manage that and the weight started dropping off and that gave me the impetus to continue and change my eating habits.
Good Luck

SuperStrength · 02/12/2013 18:05

I tried the Cambridge Diet earlier this year having put weight on quickly & it was great. I managed to shift a stone in a month which was the kick start I needed to get me going.

Being over weight is bad for your health & self esteem.
Stop thinking about DH, focus on what you need to achieve for yourself.

Original poster
Fuem · 02/12/2013 18:09

I've just been looking around the site and it's amazing so many sections, I didn't realise, ones on menopause,diet etc. I ended up on here as I was feeling so low about things. Everyone has been so helpful I know this site is going to be such a help. Xx

OP posts:
carrie74 · 02/12/2013 18:54

Fuem I don't really remember: it was a period of massive change for both of us: we'd relocated, didn't really know anyone, H had transferred offices so was working out his transition there, our first baby was only 6 months old...We weren't going through our most...active part of our relationship, but I hadn't really put it down to my size. In hindsight, it probably played a part. It took a lot of me moaning about my size for him to eventually say it bothered him a bit too.

So it was something we both wanted to change, and he was really supportive in helping me get out and exercising, and I think seeing me put in so much effort reignited some of the attraction. Could you maybe do something together? Join a class? I really enjoyed Zumba: didn't feel like traditional exercise, you can go at your own pace, but pretty effective.

But I'd definitely be going to the doctor in case there's a medical reason x

Thants · 03/12/2013 13:17

Why would your weight bother him though? That's what I can't get my head around. And why did you hate it so much?
I would hope a man would be caring more about his post partum wife and child rather than worrying about her body looking slightly different. Bodies change, it's simply a fact of life.

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