Crepes and Mulled Whine in your pants

[Auriga]

Somebody had to do it

BD I feel your hangover pain! I felt soooo bad on Saturday - think it was more about eating so late than the wine

Re changing jobs, do you think it's just the fear factor of doing something different? Change can be scary, especially at our age And you can go back to visit your old haunts if you miss them. Hard decision.

Yes, dear, definitely the eating late

Today's reason for refusing to go to school: spots. The sort of spots that your mother can't see, apparently. Refused to go into counselling yesterday by herself. Refused to tell the truth to the counsellor. Immediately vicious to ds when he returned from his music exam in the afternoon, telling him he was "rubbish anyway and will never have passed". The poor little chap is only 8 and it was his first ever exam of any kind. Ok, maybe that doesn't sound so bad, but she never misses an opportunity to make him feel bad about himself and it's a campaign that is starting to bear fruit. What to do?
Sorry, folks, but I am so done with it all. I gave her half an hour to get herself together so that I could take her to school before 10.15, which is when the text invariably arrives from the Attendance Officer. She spent an hour in front of the mirror, despite everything I said. I have now lost 2.5 days of work. I said that if she was not ready by 10.15am, I would pass this whole thing over to the school as there is clearly nothing that I can do. She is not cooperating at all and now feels that she doesn't have to do anything unless she feels like it, but if things all go horribly wrong because she hasn't attended school/done the work, she can blame me. I cannot work or function under these circs and the stress is telling on ds and dh as well. Being "nice" has just made things worse. The situation has been slowly getting worse for 2 years and nobody offers any concrete help. I see why those teenagers are in foster care. My mother has just been round and suggested the same for dd. And suggested that I need to see a psychiatrist in order to get a "diagnosis" for dd. Yeah, obviously it all works like that...

So I rang the school and organised a meeting with the head of year. Who dd can't stand. The HoY is now going to come down like a ton of bricks on dd and put her on attendance report and force her into detention to make up any missed time in future. She refused to even be in a room with him this morning - she was supposed to come into the meeting with me after I had driven her to school (please bear in mind we live 7 damn minutes walk away from said school), but literally ran away as soon as she saw him. If she doesn't respond to the first line of sanctions, things will get nastier. I have been trying to prevent them dealing with it like this for some time by playing the "anxiety" card on her behalf and they have taken a softly-softly approach, but it's clearly not working and I am now completely at my wits' end. If anyone has any clever ideas about something I'm missing completely, that would be great.

Sorry, I am completely distraught. It's all beginning to look horribly like a social services scenario.

Oh Stropps I am so sorry to hear this - don't feel I can offer much in the way of concrete help as I have not been in this situation. Just wanted you to know my shoulder is here, and you can bend my ear anytime....

Oh S. I am reading and re-reading and trying to think of positive strategies (are there any on MaryZ's thread in Teenagers)? I think you're absolutely right about getting as much professional help as possible.

Re work: can DH pick up the slack? Ditto domestic stuff? (Though I would make an executive decision to cut all effort on anything bar just getting through the day, dealing with DD and trying to manage any absolutely compulsory work...)

Stropps my heart goes out to you.
No wonder you are at the end of your tether .
I have no idea what you can do to make things better. It does remind me of some of the situations discussed on a recent training course I did on conflict resolution .
There was a section on dealing with intransigence and entrenchment .
Please don't feel the need to read but the thrust of dealing with refuseniks is here

I think what we can say - and this may be of some paradoxical use - is that this is an extreme situation. The usual strategies and solutions don't apply here. Which is not to say go in overly punitive - if that's not appropriate - it may be the opposite.

Can you work out what are the absolute essentials, the basics to get covered:
with DD
domestically
with work?

That is so difficult, Stropps. I'm sure you have explored all the local resources, but it seems more investigation by CAMHs will be needed. I am friends with a psychiatric OT locally and I know they have group sessions. Also are they educational units where she will be able to continue her studies, but in a different and maybe more peaceful environment?

I'm sorry if I've missed this, but what seems to be the fundamental root of her anxiety and is she taking any medication for it? Or would she?

It's so hard - hugs to you and all your family

I was going to say sod the housework, no one died from an un-hoovered house.... as long as the bathroom and ktichen are clean(ish) (i.e. they won't kill anyone) then sod it....

I am so sorry to read this, but glad you have somewhere like this to turn to. I hope the professionals can help, it sounds very hard on you all.

(My dd has been a bit anxious all her life, although it was much worse when she was younger.)

Oh God Stropps, you poor thing. How dreadful this is for you all.
As you know, I am just as clueless as you as to what to do. But I agree, MaryZ and the others on her thread may well have some useful advice.

I think you are right - the softly softly approach doesn't seem to be working. The school needs to now take this up and go down whatever route they think is right, and make her realise she needs to either pull her socks up or perhaps move to a different provision if she really can't cope there.

What did the counsellor say about her refusing to go in on her own? Any insight/next step? Will they see you on your own if she won't go and can they offer any strategies?

It must be so difficult to work/concentrate at home with all this going on. I agree with MI and the others - just do what absolutely has to be done.

And it's a long shot, and probably a load of rubbish, but does the GP think there could be anything hormonally/chemically wrong that meds might help at least for a while?

Bloody Hell, you poor thing.

Stropps, this is an awful situation, I'm haven't much useful advice, it's such a shame when teenagers go off the rails and very difficult for the rest of the family, including your poor DS. I have some friends here who've actually resorted to putting their DS into a boarding school because he's so difficult with his parents and so mean to his younger sisters. I hope you find a solution.

Crem - I missed your post yesterday, I think it came in just behind mine - just wanted to say, glad you're on the mend and hope DH is doing better and of course a big congrat's to DD on her UCAS offers. It is so much less stressful once they receive something and feel wanted

And if you need just to GET AWAY one evening, I'm sure we could find you a bed for the night between us

Oh definitely! You know we have a very comfy spare room, Stropps, and you're welcome any time

DS has had another bike accident. Another 4WD on the rat-run to/from Dulwich College. This one failed to see boys about to cross the road on the zebra (was doing the speeding up/slowing down between the road humps) and as he screeched to a halt, DS went into him and DS's mate went into DS. DS said he went up and over the car boot onto the ground. He was shaken and a bit bruised, and his bike got a bit bashed (hopefully DH can sort it) but he seems OK and still wanted to go to footy training.

The twat he crashed into got out of his 4WD and said "I'm a doctor." Then he clocked that the rear light was smashed and said "Do you have insurance?" DS (who is still 12 FFS) said "Do I look like I have insurance?" and the "doctor" drove off

I am now even more concerned that DS wears his helmet, reflective gear (though it happened in daylight) and learns to read the road ahead, unlike the twat driving the 4WD.

BTM - that is outrageous - I feel angry on your behalf. He should at least have made contact with you or the police to ensure that DS was OK afterwards and not concussed or anything - especially if he was a doctor.

I drive through very dark Streets in the evening which are heaving with school children. This being France, nobody wears reflectors and everybody wears black. It is sometimes very difficult to see people stepping out, so yes to reflective gear it really makes a difference.

I know DS was probably a bit too close and perhaps going a bit fast/not concentrating fully, but he didn't even check if DS was OK

BTM for you..

Strops more than welcome to a bed on the hill - no bright lights here unfortunately, but a decent pub. I know your dd is younger, but so reminds me of my administrator's daughter, who was an absolute bitch to her brother. In the end my admin told her to leave home (she kept threatening to anyway). It was a mega tough decision, but the right one.

Oh BTM, that's awful. What a way for that driver to behave - and your poor ds. And poor you. Yes to helmet and as much reflective/bright neon gear as possible. I hope his bruises will not be too sore tomorrow and the bike is fixable, but your poor nerves..

BD, I do hope that you are feeling better and getting to grips with making your decision. Your ds is clearly wise beyond his years.

Crem, that is fantastic news about you being on the mend. Have made note of Manuka honey just in case we ever need it here. I am about to go and read your links, so thank you in advance.

What can I say but "thank you".. You lot are a sight more helpful than the school. The HoY didn't get round to seeing dd today, although she said he passed her when she was on her way to lesson 6 - which is when he told me he would nab her. Obviously he had more important things to be doing. Don't know what to make of that, really, given what he said to me in the meeting this morning.

I rang the GP this afternoon and was directed to ring the "Crisis worker" at Camhs. Which I duly did, only to be told that there were no crisis workers available today as they were all in a meeting. I was a teeny bit overwrought by this stage, what with one thing and another. So I rang the GP's surgery again and blubbed. A nice and very wise GP rang me back and listened for some time. He said some very useful things - not all of which were easy to hear, but the gist of it seemed to be that if it's all going to come to a nasty head, maybe it needs to get worse before it gets better. It is a very complex issue - it's not just anxiety, there are control issues and other things.

Dd is calm tonight and says that when she is in that mood, she thinks a certain way and nothing can shake her out of it or convince her otherwise until she calms down.

For those that don't know - her father (my first husband) was an abusive alcoholic who I divorced when she was 4 and who committed suicide when she was 6 and a half, having treated her in an appalling manner her whole life. That was 6 weeks before I gave birth to her half-brother. Dh's mother died 4 months after that and then my father died a few months after that. The dh's brother and the dog. That last one seems ridiculous but it pretty much finished off 7-year-old dd. And looking back, I did also go a bit bats from stress and lack of sleep. Which didn't help.

All things considered, even if she won't go for counselling, I probably should, as it might make me better at dealing with her.

God that's rubbish, Stropps - the HoY I mean.

At least the kindly GP offered an ear, and hopefully will contact CAMHS too?
AFAIK, CAMHS offer family therapy and sometimes ask to see parents separately - maybe you can pursue this when they are back in again tomorrow?

You both had a LOT to contend with in the past, none of which was your or your DD's fault. Perhaps it's all coming out now for your DD? Plus general teenageryness, which is not to be underestimated.

Oh Stropps I want to give you such a BIG hug (and a large glass of red) - so traumatic and no wonder it's tough...

Everything wot BD and BTM said. And do consider just a bit of time out if and when you need to. You can sit staring glassy-eyed at the wall while Crepeys press glasses of wine upon you. (Hell, we'll push the boat out and offer posh crisps too.)

BTM, I want to go and punch that driver very hard. Mind you - on a lighter note, I had to drive the girls to a meeting at DD1's school (their dad is on his way back from a meeting in Geneva) and couldn't find anywhere to park and ended up wedged in this tiny road next to the school. I seriously thought we'd have to stay there forever, unable to move in any direction whatsoever. It was on a par with The Day We Went To Bromley....

Yes, yes to wine and posh crisps

DH and I were wondering if we should report the accident, but DS didn't get the numberplate although he thought it was a BMW 4WD.
The more I think about it, the more I can't believe he just drove off.

Oh Stropps, very glad to read to top of thread to find out that things have calmed down for now.. I know when things are hard with my boys, and especially when they are being beyond hideous to each other (which is all too often for my liking) it does feel absolutely terrible and end of the worldish... then they make up and are all over each other leaving me like a wrung out dishcloth in the corner.. it really is a bumpy ride some of the time. Have a huge hug from me.
You have now written yourself what I was going to say. I think you are absolutely right to try and get help for dd BUT you can't make her want it or accept it if she doesn't. What you can do though is get help and support for yourself and for your dh and ds. Please think about asking CAMHS / the GP for that sort of help (family therapy) or at the very least help for you as her parent. You have to look after yourself if you are to have any chance of helping her. She sounds very troubled and unsurprisingly so given what she has had to deal with... but you have had all that to manage too. Have another hug...

BD, have you reached a decision? I feel I haven't really understood the dilemma... Less money but much closer to home? Is the anxiety that cutting all ties with previous life before your move is too drastic / not what you want? I would have thought that losing that commute if you can afford the pay cut is worth loads in terms of time and energy myself... and I think I would be thinking that if I was working nearer home and had more time it would free me up to get more involved with things locally and cement new life where you are now....

BTM, I am so shocked at your story and appalled that the driver drove off - if he was a doctor I think he's on especially dodgy ground. Could you go and stake out that road with ds and take a photo of the car if he recognises it again (if it was a school run-er)

Stropps, your poor dd and poor you. When your dd says says that "when she is in that mood, she thinks a certain way and nothing can shake her out of it or convince her otherwise until she calms down", that rang bells for me, especially the rigidity of the thought patterns. I wanted my dd to learn techniques to calm down and think (she wouldn't) - but we did with partial success use a codeword system - if we spotted the signs, or she did, we'd say the word and everyone would back off for a bit. Probably no help but just thought I'd mention it.