Is it worth bothering about clothes when you're not good looking?

[Phaedra11]

I would have always said yes, maybe more so. I was bullied at school and started to really hate the way I look at the same time. During my twenties and thirties I felt better about myself but am now in my forties and it's started to bother me again. However I usually take comfort that I am slim (it's my face I don't like) and that most people seem to genuinely think I'm about ten years younger than I am.

Today I was feeling confident about myself and wearing a smart but flattering dress which I've had several compliments about and my favourite boots, at work. Until what started off as banter resulted in a guy at work making a really nasty comment about my appearance. The guy's a known idiot, I have a wonderful husband who thinks I'm gorgeous and I'm old enough that I shouldn't care. But I suddenly feel like I'm the ugliest girl in the school again and my nice clothes feel a bit of a joke. Pointless at best and embarrassing at worst.

I want to not care but know I'll be wearing my most drab trousers and top tomorrow .

Phaedra Don't you dare wear that drab top/trousers tomorrow my love.

That guy was a fucking asshole and people like that can 'smell' your insecurities and hone in on them. They predate on your worries and fears. Please don't try to disappear.

It is worth always to spend time on yourself because it respects your personhood, your absolute and utter right to your place on this planet. It sends a strong message to bullies that you will not yield to them.

Your husband has good taste. If he is as wonderful as you say then surely he cannot have made a mistake in loving and desiring you?

I understand how this has triggered old previously buried feelings. I really do. But you are not helpless in the face of this creeps spite. How Dare he say that to you? How dare he? Get angry and get determined not to allow him to have any power over you. You cannot change what he says and does but you do have power over your reaction to it.

You say you have had compliments about your dress and boots and outfit. Decide which you want to be more important to you- the compliments or the nasty insult. Would you say the people who complimented you and your husband are all mistaken and deluded in their opinions of you? Challenge those negative thoughts about yourself and ask yourself- where is the evidence for them?

Get out a lovely perfume. Choose some lovely underwear. Wear the clothes you feel best in. Do not disappear. Be proud of who you are.

.

I'm just back from a cruise where there were people of all shapes and sizes and looks, and all well past the prime of life, but they all dressed up to the nines for formal dinners, and they all looked absolutely WONDERFUL.

Nice clothes give you confidence and confidence makes you attractive.

Ignore the idiot.

Oh Phaedra that was horrible and speaks volumes about him, not you. You had already had several compliments so you definitely looked fab.

Try to remember the saying about no one being able to make you feel inferior unless you let them.

It will take a mega effort tomorrow but go in something knock out, then it's the weekend and you can regroup and hopefully feel better on Monday x

Don't disappear. You look young, slim and fabulous.
Really. Is he that amazing? Or discering? Or is he a total twunt? I think I already know the answer to that one
Wear whatever makes you feel great tomorrow, we will al be applauding XXXX

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Most of us have two eyes, a nose and a mouth and attractiveness is subject to the chemistry.

We all have days when we feel we are looking tired, old, spotty or rough but we can count our blessings that we have not been disfigured due to injury, illness or malice such as katie Piper.

I'm not saying you don't have the right to feel attractive when you are feeling low, we all do, but thinking of how are blessed we are when compared to others less fortunate is a sobering thought.

The idiot that made an unpleasant comment is not your lover or your husband and his pathetic attempt at humour really doesn't count in the great scheme of things.

When I was a teenager there was a record, "Nice legs, shame about the face" and some moron called out the song title to me in the street. I was mortified and quickly turned off into a side street. I felt so upset I kept my head down and practically bumped into the school heart throb called Richard and ended up talking to him and a short while later he asked me out!

So there you have it, one mans ugly duckling is another mans swan!

Please hold your head high, and sing Christina Aquilera (spelling) I am beautiful in your head every time you get a negative thought. Xxx

I won't say you shouldn't care about what the twunt said because I know, in your shoes, I would but but please don't give in to it. Don't let him see you care, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you shrink away and try to hide yourself in dreary, shapeless, back-of-the-wardrobe clothes.

Be proud of yourself: inside and out. And be thankful you are not the sort of person who gets their kicks from denigrating others. Imagine how meanly small and claustrophobic his internal life is!

You could report him for harrassment.

I'm sure you look lovely and what's more you're clearly a nice person too.

Please be you, be elegant and lovely and take no notice of him!
Why should his thoughtless remarks change you?
You're worth so much more than that!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt.

I think it was on MN a while back, I read of a lady who had cosmetic surgery because someone continually called her big nose as a teen.

ask yourself why you want this ( obvious ) dick heads approval.
you don't really.

my best!

I've had days where I've gone shopping, and in the middle of trying to decide whether I should spend sixty quid on a new dress for myself, I think 'What's the point, I've got a horrible face' then put it back. I have days like this quite often where I feel really unattractive and want to hide.
However, there's nothing quite as true as the expression 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.' Think about it, some people consider people Nicole Kidman and Uma Thurman to be beautiful, I personally don't see it think they have faces like a bag of spanners. Each to their own!

Your husband thinks you are gorgeous, you said so as a fact. What you need to do is focus on your best assets and amplify them. I have hazel eyes, for example. So some days I wear shimmery light purple eyeshadow and people tell me how my eyes look amazing and it really suits me. Make the most of what you have! I bet you're actually lovely looking.

There is no such thing as not good looking, not faces anyway. I really do believe that. It sounds sort of twee, but the most supposedly beautiful person can become ugly to you if they treat you badly, and I cannot see the faces of the people I love objectively. The sight of them soothes my soul.

And so yes, your clothes matter, if they matter to you.

And this man is an utter cunt and I am enraged to hear that he has managed to cut you down in this way. Hold your head up high. He's the ugly one, truly.

And I like JackyDanny's quote, though I'm not sure it's healthy to be entirely immune to the opinion of others. But you are in no danger of that! nor are most women, sadly.

'the guy is a known idiot'

this

Please continue to enjoy your clothes as a big 'fuck you very much' to this fool.

Ignore him, his opinions are insignificant and unworthy of any thought. He sounds stupid and ignorant.

Enjoy your slim figure and keep your style :)

Enjoy your clothes and please, please ignore the twats that try to make you feel insecure.

He probably did it out of a feeling of sneaky admiration for you that you look good and dress well and hold yourself well. To bring you down a peg or two because of his own insecurities.

Don't let his ignorant comments bring you down. Wear something gorgeous today and enjoy it.

I echo all the other comment. Carry on being your amazing self.
Some men just can't handle it when a woman doesn't pander to their flagging egos. Their problem not yours! Wear your most gorgeous clothes and enjoy youreself.

I'm always envious of slim women, because I think that even without a conventionally beautiful face, good clothes and a great hair cut can make you look striking, which is far more interesting.

He sounds like a dick.

I have a face like a boot. I wear clothes that I love and which I think show my personality. They make me stand out. I may not look polished or smart or sexy but I alwaystry to be colourful and fun. If I wear clothes I don't like I feel terrible.

Don't let the bastards grind you down. You look great and he is a known idiot.

And do not forget "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Thank you all for your support and wise words (and flowers, mignonette!) You've helped me get this more into perspective and I really appreciate it.

I expect he's physical perfection?

I think you should say something to him. I am just not smart enough to say what, something like "keep your nasty bitchiness to yourself you silly girl" men really don't like being called a girl.

Lovely post from Mignonette. I agree.

He is in no way worth your time. I'd be tempted to say something to HR.

I agree "did you mean to be so rude" is good but "did you mean to be a dickhead?" might be better.

I bet you anything he has his own insecurities. His nastiness comes from somewhere.