Is it worth bothering about clothes when you're not good looking?

[Phaedra11]

I would have always said yes, maybe more so. I was bullied at school and started to really hate the way I look at the same time. During my twenties and thirties I felt better about myself but am now in my forties and it's started to bother me again. However I usually take comfort that I am slim (it's my face I don't like) and that most people seem to genuinely think I'm about ten years younger than I am.

Today I was feeling confident about myself and wearing a smart but flattering dress which I've had several compliments about and my favourite boots, at work. Until what started off as banter resulted in a guy at work making a really nasty comment about my appearance. The guy's a known idiot, I have a wonderful husband who thinks I'm gorgeous and I'm old enough that I shouldn't care. But I suddenly feel like I'm the ugliest girl in the school again and my nice clothes feel a bit of a joke. Pointless at best and embarrassing at worst.

I want to not care but know I'll be wearing my most drab trousers and top tomorrow .

How are you this morning Phaedra?

Unsolicited criticism always says more about the person giving it then the person receiving it.

Try to step aside from your response to gain insight into the person and their motives. I think this might help to take away some of his power to hurt you.

Have a really lovely day.

I hope you're having a good day too OP. I'm sorry you share your workplace with such an arsehole, I hope karma gives him a well deserved smack in the chops soon.

Op, you sound lovely and, by the sound of it, you dress according to your good taste. Carry on wearing lovely things as I'm sure they look very nice on you. I think wearing good clothes can lift you up and make you happy. Everyone is different. I have always liked my face but feel that my body, especially my legs let me down. I would love to be a&e to wear great boots and look good in them .

The guys who said these nasty things to you is a looser. He can F off to the far side of f.

X

A&e?
able to wear..

Thank you all. I had a pretty okay day at work, though I may not have managed that without you lovely people. Every time I saw the offending idiot, I thought twunt which helped greatly!

Funnily enough he is not a wonderful physical specimen, rather short and squat and something like a miniature tank! A pity I didn't think to mention that to him yesterday. I am not aware that's he's had a relationship in the five years I've worked with him, despite desperate flirting with the prettier and younger of the work placement girls (he is over forty).

I can't report him to the HR department as I'm the closest my office has to a HR department. I'm actually due to give him an appraisal in a couple of weeks and whilst I intend to be entirely professional about it, may give him some constructive feedback . Thinking about it, who makes offensive comments to someone due to give them an appraisal?!!

Next time just respond 'at least I have hair.'

Even if he has hair he probably worries it is thinning.

You can always groom your hair a bit at later times too, just to remind him not to be so rude.

And remember www.dianavreeland.com/

...or look toward the top of his head with a Mona Lisa smile....

Three words- small man syndrome. Ignore him, I'm sure he's little in more than just height

Regarding his appraisal, be very careful. Any feedback should be given close to the incident, you don't want him suggesting you are bearing a grudge etc. An appraisal isn't a place to discuss one off incidents but overall performance. I think a better approach would be to let him do all the talking with minimum responses and you will probably find the little twonk crumbles without reassurances and praise!

I think dressing nicely is a form of self respect.

Just do it.

Oh wow Phaedra You have to give him an appraisal- Now that is Karma right there . Even if you say nothing, you have the upper hand in decency and dignity both.

Glad you got through today and as to his motives for wanting to drag you down- I think you might guess why he behaved in the manner he did and it has nothing to do with how you look.

Have a great weekend.

He so would, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered being rude.

I bet he thinks about you when he winks...

In all my years (42 of them) I honestly can't remember meeting an 'ugly' looking person, however I can think of the odd 'ugly person'. Beauty is most definitely, in my opinion, held within. Dressing nicely and valuing yourself as a unique individual is more attractive than anything else I can imagine. You sound lovely and I can guarantee you that this is expressed through how you look every day, whether you've got your best rags on or not. I always try to look and feel my very best. The guy clearly has very little by way of social skills and personality.

Thank you again, mignonette. I really appreciate everything you've said.

Don't worry tweet, I didn't mean feedback about what he'd said to me. And actually in the situation I'm in, the feedback I give him is pretty much based on what others pass on to me anyway. I might fantasise about what I'd like to say but won't really do it!

mypavlova, I like the hair retort and wish I'd thought of if it yesterday!

I am considering going to a counsellor that a friend of mine has recommended to discuss some of the feelings this brought up about my past. To be fair on the guy, he would have had no idea how deep this would hit me and a lot of that is to do with my own past and associated insecurities. I've looked at the counsellor's website and got a good feeling about her there.

That's a good idea Phaedra. Counselling can work wonders with these kind of thoughts and feelings. There are some good self esteem workbooks too. This is one clients of mine are recommended by us. It is very effective if you do the exercises diligently.

you are the HR department and he was rude to you?

oh dear. How sad. Never mind.

take no prisoners!! You are empowered to deal with a workplace bully so give him hell.

I worked for 17 years with a colleague like yours... I've been trying to remember his name.

Wow what a knob!

I know plenty of people who aren't conventionally "beautiful" but whose personalities and/or personal style make them very attractive, often more so than some technically good looking people.

You had several compliments - d

Whoops!

You had several compliments - don't let one nasty comment drown them out, please. People don't tend to comment unless they think you look really good ime.

Apart from the fact that he is clearly lacking in the brain department, please Google Anna Dello Russo - not classically beautiful but madly either hyper-stylish or a bit of a mesmerising mess, depending on how her mood takes her.