Please help me find a purple bridesmaid dress!

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Ive been told it can be any shade of purple, on/ above the knee.

Main issue is that I am fat, (size 18), especially around the middle, I have no waist and cinching it in draws attention to that, so limited in terms of styles.

Any ideas?

Thing is in my last email, to which she relied all blamey I said ... Was a long mail do wont post it all, but highlights included:

there is a bit of an absence of facts coming my way (and probably coming back at you, sorry), and as I said earlier in the week, it would help alot if you just said what you wanted. I am guilty too im sure, but i am really trying here!

....

Its absolutely fine for you to want whatever you want, its your wedding and you should have it however you want. I was trying to help you do that, but im not a mind reader, and i cant miraculously guess when you say one thing but actually want another.

...

i think you dont like to say that, but please just do, it will save alot of time, energy, confusion and upset. its your wedding, and you are perfectly entitled to organise it however you want, you probably have all sorts of hopes and dreams about it, and thats what you are supposed to do! No one will think anything the worse of you, its not selfish or bossy or whatever else you are thinking. Please Please just be clear on what you want rather than trying to do it politely and people (me!) taking you at your word.

.....

so... Please can you be straight with me,

1. do you honestly want me as a bridesmaid or not?
2. do you actually want all bridesmaids to wear the same thing? GOOD, then lets make that happen - tell me what to wear/ buy and thats fine. also, does this mean you'd like the younger ones to also wear the same? then tell their mum theres a change of plan and show her what to wear
3. is there anything else you want but are afraid/ worried about saying? what about hair/ makeup jewellery/ shoes/ other stuff? other arrangements, roles on the day/ at the venue/ errr, run out of ideas but they'll be other stuff I'm sure...

MyName-your-not-mindreading-but-keen-friend xxx

----
So I think I did alot of bridge building and explaining, and was met with blame, contradictions and bizarreness.

I feel really hurt, and there's not much more to say really, am gutted and can't understand what I've done for her to be like this and actually feel like if she wants more grovelling I just can't do it. I am not going to rey or contact her as I don't want to make anything worse but currently unless she alters the way she's acting to me I can't do this bridesmaid thing or the wedding, once am this upset I can't disguise and don't want to act like an idiot and cry in front of her / at her 'do'

Oh yes and also said re dresses bought:

I was going to get a selection of dresses to the requirements you had given me, and try them on and then show you the ones that fit so you could choose, which to my mind was the best way of actioning what you wanted, as I have said, i cant just buy a dress in the right size and expect it to fit, so showing you the ones that i can get into seemed a sensible thing to do. All the dresses were 1 or 2 left in stock so i had to get them otherwise miss the chance...

So she can hardly think I was going to force her to let me wear something she didn't like? So she did t want me to buy the dresses without her vetting each one... Fine. But even after explanation she won't let it go and I feel it's slightly unfair to be such a nasty person because I bought some dresses with my own money to try on in time to show her when she came round on the Friday so she could look at them... When the other bridesmaid has picked her own dress and the mother of the two child bridesmaid have picked theirs?

Rereadimg it Maybe I should have clarified 'choosing' wasn't meant as in choose between these two dresses, but a general xhoose... But as we'd spent the entire rest of week sending more links and dress ideas, I don't think it's that unclear...

Yeah, it does sound like you've already done a fair bit of reasonable explanation there, she just doesn't seem to have listened! You've made it very clear that it's her choice, she just needs to make a choice! What exactly did she say in response to your email? If you don't mind me asking?

Feels a bit wrong to post her words directly but she wrote lots basically disagreeing ... Have included a few excerpts but nothing personal do probably doesn't give you any idea what she said!

No mention my sorries or queries or saying how much i care about her or in fact anything I said at all...

• no she doesn't have a specific style in mind
• no she doesn't want matching bridesmaids (last email said it was her dream)
• not ok I went and bought dresses without her 'pernission'
• not ok I even Looked at dresses without her permission
• no she's not treating me any differently from others
• but yes was Fine for then to get their dresses!
• and finally 'i think that you are taking the subject of bridesmaids dresses and outfits much more seriously than I am. I have not thought about accessories, shoes, bags, styles, bla bla, because all that bumph really doesn't matter to me! Just a nice purple dress that I like the look of, and that is really it! ' oh the irony...

• she also said 'stop trying to second guess what other people are thinking' again the irony as in response to me saying I'm not a mind reader & I need her to tell me ffs

And loads of other physxho babble that is weird and not suited to rhe context of relevant in any way except to say im being wrong and should stop it... Except no explanation of it... V helpful.

And again and again 'you immediately went out and bought several dresses before even showing them to me. Just because she (other bridesmaid) straight away found some dresses, and got one, I was not expecting you to do the same' ... With no explanation?

And the dress buying thing was repeated many times in the email although I'd already explained and said I was trying to help and sorry... Obviously no way I'm even allowed to apologies for that ffs. And of course no accepting that maybe I thought that was what she was wanting!

And then more rubbish about 'im really relaxed about it, It is not going to be one of those everything-thought-through-and-picture-perfect weddings, because that is not what me and dh are like'

And alot about her having told me she d be paying for the dress and implying that I knew that all the time and am using this to justify? Wtf...

Oh and at the same an email went round from other bridesmaid inviting people to an immaculately organised hen night... So I guess that means I'm not joining in helping with that either... I don't give a flying f who does what, but I do care alot that I'm expected to know my role and what is expected but be told I'm second guessing?

Am genuinely interested, Is it usual to be told (not asked actually!) you are a bridesmaid but not told who/ if anyone is being?

Is it usual to ask about hen nights, get told she is going to organise it, then other bridesmaid does the inviting?

A few other things too but have forgotten... And stuff like arranged to drop in to catch up on wedding stuff last sat but then she cancelled as i was setting out, and refusing all contact before that as she was busy or someone else had already done it eg buying some bridal magazines to browse through w wine?

But all togther just feel like I don't know what's going on or what I should do/ not do?

And also, like she doesn't really want me to be a bridesmaid!

Bump

Anyone?

Oh, double, this isn't nice for you at all

Cancelling things and that - I don't know, to me that sounds a bit of off. The dresses are very confusing, but perhaps she feels she has a lot on her plate at the moment and can't make her mind up. That might have happened with the hen do too, that she thought she would organise it herself and then has decided that she has so much on its easier for another bridesmaid to organise it. How long away is the wedding?

If I was in your place, I would send another email back (if calling doesn't seem appropriate at the moment) and say that you are sorry if you misunderstood what she wanted with the dresses and the hen do and you're sorry if you choosing dresses was a step too far. It's all just been some miscommunication and the last thing you meant was to upset her. Say you would love to be her bridesmaid and be part of her day, and to let you know whether she has any dresses in mind, or whether you should talk to the other bridesmaid/s about their dresses and try and co-ordinate with them.

FWIW I don't think it sounds like you have anything to apologise for because she has given such plainly contradictory instructions. But sometimes in relationships a slight backing off is needed to give her the benefit of the doubt if she is just really stressed. If you are upset and you still want to be her friend then in my opinion, it's worth backing down when it's not your fault to give things the chance to cool down. I get the impression that if you are strident at the moment it could all blow up.

I had a difficult time when one of my friends was getting married (the bridesmaid dress I mentioned in an earlier post) because of the way she acted about her wedding. But it was just a glitch, and I can definitely admit with hindsight that I exacerbated the problem because I didn't fully accept that this was her day, and her choice, and I should be honoured to be a part of it.

Maybe post again in Relationships for a bit more relevant traffic?

Sorry to disappear, been on the move! Good advice from Thurlow there I'd say, she's obviously being unreasonable, but I very much doubt she will see it that way at the moment. Bride blindness!

I just feel really sad - and rather betrayed.

I've totally wasted a day moping and wondering what to do.

Am not sure if I can smile and pretend I've been a total bitch and she can treat me however she wants... It just hurts too much and i feel humiliated too :( But I don't want to lose my closest (I thought) friend...

I guess am so upset as am questioning whether she was the friend I thought she was :(

Bugger.

Don't pretend that you've been a total bitch. You haven't. But you can claim that a hundred wires got crossed. In the long run she might not turn out to be the friend you thought she was, but I don't think planning a wedding is quite the time to guess. Has she been planning it for long, is it a long time away?