When. Or in what, do you look most AWFUL?

[Nehru]

Me. On the mirror. Spin. Hair pulled back. Tiny head. Huge body. Sweating.
It's dire.
Or in any wide leg trousers. (Think HMS pinafore )

Changing rooms make me look like I have a moustache checks nervously that I haven't got one

Skirtts just under the knee make me look truly horrific. My calves are wide at the best of times.

Red lipstick. Thick or in any other way 'overdone' makeup - puts 10 years on me.

Sleeveless dresses.

Tops and dresses that are either too tight or too voluminous.

All bright colours, except blues.

Jeans. I look like I'm off to give the garden a once over. They just don't seem to fit anywhere. I've got okay legs too and a nice arse. Jeans however just sort of hang.

LG&T reckons I need Marthas. I'm not allowed in TopShop though. I'm not 14 and chewing gum whilst giggling about Tommo from Upper Sixth.

In H&M I picked up a heavily sequinned ,jewell encrusted dress (in the sale) and held it up to me. (Not that I have anywhere to wear it)

"Oooh, this is nice but I'd look like a Drag Queen" I simpered, expecting DH,DS and DD to chorus "No Mum, buy it, you look lush"

"Drag Queen eh" DS muses. "Oh, you can pull it off".

Pull It Off. So I look like a fecking Drag Queen then?

So true GlitzPig! Nothing worse than the straight-wet-hair-in-full-dalight look.

For me, add that inevitable hairdresser's black smock thingy - I look AWFUL in black - and the look is complete.

Oh dressing gowns. I look stained and slatternly. I want a sort of billowy, clingy, drapey one but nah, I look like I should be accessorising with a digestive and a chipped mug with builders tea sloshing stains down the front of my ill fitting housecoat-esque gown.

Halter necks or racing back tops. Look like a quarterback in the Chicago Bears.

Nekkid

Everyone looks slovenly in a dressing gown-none more so than a towelling one.
Owned by the sort of women who have plastic lined wicker baskets in their bathrooms full of tampon applicators and used cotton buds.

I don't do dressing gowns- I have velour, zipped front leisure robes.
No ugly sack-of-spuds belt.
No embarassing gapeage.

Lightweight for summer
Heavy fluffy cuddly one for winter

Aaaaaahhhh.

I look like I'm actually dead in nude clothes. How? Nude is a colour that's meant to suit everyone! Even nail varnish- nude or mocha colours just make me look like I have porcelain doll hands gone wrong.

Oh and the hairdresser thing-
hideous bright, unforgiving lighting
You have to put your head down, so your chin(s) get squished.
And it shows your under-eye bags/dark shadows to great effect.

And they are so noisy too

'velour, zipped front leisure robes'

Eh?

Where do you get those?

Belts and hats. Can't do either.

Can't do shorts (it's the knees) even in the garden. Can 't do high necks or too much material on the chest area. And I can only wear fitted tops; baggy tops make me look huge when I'm actually not.

In photos.
Just. Not. Photogenic.
Also in khaki green, and in too little or too much makeup.

I can't wear any pastel colours.

I also cannot wear leather - it makes me look like an 'ard bitch.

in anything beige is very bad, high-waisted dresses = just a bit weeble-like

Everything sob

Oh god I'd forgotten photos. I am the least photogenic person on earth. In real life my eyes are the same size. In photos one is bigger than the other and I look like a complete simpleton.

Can't do shorts either - hungry arse.

glitz - you want banana republic shorts

At the gym (sweaty, florid, usually hairy legs).

In anything yellow-toned next to my face.

In pretty floral/print dresses with a waist/50s-type cut. I look like a man in bad drag, or Grayson Perry in grotesque little-girl mode.

And at the hairdresser.