Another frump, but what's the point in trying?

[FaintingGoat]

A summary of what I posted on the fump thread:

I'm realising I've reached frumpsville ahead of time. I'm 34. I wear cheap jeans, trainers, and t-shirts, not hugely baggy ones, but not nice ones. I don't make much effort because I have no idea what looks good on me. I have got quite fed up with my wardrobe recently and got rid of quite a bit, but I've no idea where to start replacing it. Not many decent shops here, and I don't have lots to spend.

I don't know what's really suitable for my age - probably not New Look and Peacocks any more, but surely not M&S yet, either? I'd hate to be wearing something "too young" or wear something fashionable but completely mis-matched. Basically, I would rather look shit because I haven't tried, than because I've tried and got it wrong.

So I got up this morning and made a bit of an effort - a reasonbly fitted t-shirt, (still my bleach-splashed cheap jeans, no alternative unfortunately) but did my hair, put on some make up, thought I looked ok. Had to go out, needed some groceries and thought I'd look in a couple of clothes shops on the way. It's windy here today, my hair is shoulder length and very curly, so tying it back means lots of ends sticking out everywhere, or glue it down with lots of mousse. Or I can just let it blow across my face, preventing me from seeing anything, and generally ending up like a bird's nest. Today I went for option 2. Well, DD (1yo) started screeching within ten seconds of me getting in a clothes shop, so that was a write off. I did the grocery shopping, the shop was so hot, and with wrangling the pushchair and a basket, by the time I had done the shopping I was a hot, sweaty, windblown mess. Basically I end up looking a bloody state no matter how much effort I make, so what is the point?

I am totally fed up, you're right :( It's more the fact that I got up with a whole new attitude, made a real effort, and still ended up looking and feeling shit, before we even got to lunch time.

This has been building for ages, DD is 1yo now and I am 4lb off pre-baby weight, I'm happy with my figure, but my clothes make me feel so unsexy. Last month was my birthday, DP asked what I wanted, so I said some nice underwear, as my pre-baby bras don't fit any more.

So we arranged for DD to stay at her gran's for the evening, booked the reastaurant, and planned my outfit to actually make me feel attractive. I was so looking forward to it. Then the restaurant cancelled as there was a local event meaning they would be closed. DD couldn't stay over at gran's on the new date, so we just had a babysitter for a few hours (meaning no lazy morning in bed with DP) and just to top it all off nicely, my period arrived. (First one since a miscarriage so had no idea when I was due but could have put money on it being over my birthday.)

The point I am getting to (eventually) is that I keep trying and trying, and there is just always something.

I realise the above sounds like a load of whinging, self-pitying nonsense, but I would just like to not feel like a pile of crap for a while.

FaintingGoat I really do know how you feel, so I'm not posting with any advice, as I am in the same boat. I'm 36, so have a few years on you, but have been feeling like a frump since having my little boy 2 years ago. I spend money on nice skin care and makeup, but don't bother spending on clothes as I don't know what suits me and so don't want to waste money. Just like you, I have spent time in the past getting ready, only to end up sweaty, windswept and looking a mess. I have a good base (I think)- tall and slim, but then I just can't seem to nail the "effortlessly chic look". I see women wafting around in a nice pair of jeans, fitted jacket teamed with a nice scarf, but I just can't pull it off. i feel a mess and look a mess and need help. Anyone up for the challenge to assist FaintingGoat and me?

I know where you are coming from, I felt a frump and I had spent a lot of time slowly trying to get back to a point that I am happy with myself. I started small, just aiming for one nice outfit that I could feel good in. Then as I have been able to I've added to that, now I have a small wardrobe of decent clothes and can look fairly put together everyday. I still am not very stylish at all, but I'm not a mess anymore and less frumpy.

Start looking around and taking notice of what others wear, see what you like, ask them where is was from. Its win win, they feel good because you like their outfit and you find out where others shop and then you can go and see if there is anything you like in there.

I do this lots, women have always been keen to tell me where their outfit is from and they usually say how old it is and how much it was too. I've tried out lots of new shops based on what people have said. Zara in particular I would never previously gone in but its one of my favourites now.

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment. I think that most of us have been there, worrying about dressing too young and not wanting to dress too old, stuck in a style rut and convinced everyone looks better than we do.

As a PP said, you do really need to take the time to spend shopping. Can you get OH to look after your LO whilst you go shopping with a friend? Get sneaky peeks at women that you think are looking good and try and spot why they look good - is it the colours or is it a shape that suits them, is it something you can borrow?

There's also no reason to avoid certain shops, New Look and Peacocks may have pieces in that you can use. I bought a black shift dress in New Look 22 years ago and it's only just been turned into rags. There's also no need to give up certain clothing items. You may not be able to wear a mini skirt with bare legs like we could when we were teenagers, but you might get away with one with dark tights if you have good legs. Sometimes one "on trend" item can lift a whole outfit.

Try and get a core wardrobe. It doesn't have to be fancy, a couple of pairs of jeans, one smart pair of dark coloured jeans, some nice tops and T-shirts, etc.

You sound like you have really good physical self-awareness so I suspect that you will know when something looks good.

One final tip, don't buy anything unless you LOVE it. Shopping becomes cheaper and it means that you will actually wear whatever you buy.

DP and I will try and arrange another night together again soon, but that was the second time DD has stayed at her gran's and I've been "out of action" - the first time was the miscarriage :(

Shoeprincess I think I have a good base too, I just don't know what to put on it! I think about trying different clothes to usual, so I try something on and stare at myself in the mirror, thinking I have no clue whether it looks any good or not! And I still haven't figured out how other people make scarves look good.

Being surgically attached to a pushchair doesn't help, but I'm resigned to that not changing any time soon, as we would like another baby soon. I do wonder if I should forget about looking decent until I'm through the pushchair years.

Thank you for the tips Bandersnatch :)

Where would one buy a jersey dress? I have some nice boots that look good with leggings, but am short on tops to go with them.

There is no Gap or Zara here (Isle of Man), if I knew their sizing I would look online but I haven't a clue how their clothes fit. There is Topshop though, and River Island, all those, but I feel a bit old just going in there! I will have a look though, next time I can get out shopping without DD.

I'm working on the underwear, got one set for my birthday and bought another set myself last week. Those 5-packs of mum-pants are enough to make me weep every time I open my underwear drawer (but they serve their purpose at certain times of the month).

I have to admit to being confused about skinny jeans, I know this has been discussed extensively on the frump thread, but I really thought (after hearing it on TV) that skinnies really only suit straight-up-and-down people? I am widest across my hips, def more pear-shaped than hourglass, and if I put skinnies on I look horrendous. I have a friend who is a similar shape and wears them all the time, I wonder if she knows what her rear looks like in them. That sounds bitchy I know, but I don't tell her because I'm hardly in a position to be offering advice! I just know I don't want my rear to look like that.

Thanks for making me feel lots better everyone.

Fainting seeing as you are on the IOM I would order a massive amount of stuff from somewhere like John Lewis, who are easy to deal with re returns etc. Order lots of different jeans, try some more straight legged ones if you are not keen on skinnies, this page here should be a good starting point.

There are some good brands stocked at JL - have a look at the following:

Whistles
Reiss
Jigsaw
Toast
Mango
warehouse.

I am a pear (but tall and with long legs) and wear skinnies.

They crux is to wear them with LONG TOPS ( at your friend's rear )

Whitecompany normally do good dresses but they are all a bit short this season

Fainting, If it's a bit daunting at first why not start with one thing that will make you feel a bit more put together? For example, if you started with some new shoes or a new top. That way you could start to build your confidence up and buy more 'trendy' pieces as and when you're ready?

Also if you are not sure about skinny jeans why not try straight legged? My friend is an hourglass and wears them all the time, they suit her much more than skinnys but make her feel a bit trendier than bootcut would. Don't lose confidence, there's lots of helpful ladies on here and we can all help you out

Good idea about John Lewis, I have ordered from them before, their service was very good. Straight legged jeans could work too :)

All good stuff, this. I'd have no idea where to start otherwise. I go into shops, get totally overwhelmed, feel horribly out of place, and hurry out, the shop assistants probably think I'm nuts.

I just posted on the other thread, but I bought some nice (flattering) jeans from M&Co yesterday. I normally only get kids clothes from there, but I had seen the jeans on their website and when I got to the shop they were £10 off so worth trying on! They look really smart. I can't link, but they are high waisted, wide leg, look a bit sailor ish iyswim? :o

Wrt scarves, I have found those silky pashminas work very well and immediately make me feel more together. I just wear it wrapped around my neck once.

Faintinggoat... i am a 36 year old frump is exactly your situation, and I'm also in the isle of man!!! i too have curly hair that looked dreadful after 2 hours in a park this afternoon, and yes i was wearing trainers!! i tried buying a load of stuff off the asda website but none of it really fitted or looked like the pictures so i gave up after that :( if you manage to defrump yourself, given the practicalities of shopping here (it isnt easy being stuck on a small rock in the middle of the irish sea!!) please please let me know what the secret is!!! :)

Oh op I know how you feel :(

I feel exactly the same, but to top it all off, I'm fat.

It is an absolute impossibility for me to find even a decent pair of jeans because as well as being fat, I'm short.

I have completely given up.

MrsNouveau my jeans come from M&Co! They are the only ones I can find that both fit me, and are within my price range.

Honestly, trying to find clothes that I like, that fit, and that I can afford is like trying to arrange a solar eclipse. Occasionally all the factors come into alignment, but not very often, and if I'm doing something else I might miss it!

Rainbow hello! Want to go shopping sometime? Who knows, maybe we can de-frump each other?

FaintingGoat... I love your last post, i think we are in the same situation. I would love to attempt a trip down strand street with 3 small children to try to find some decent clothes! (your 1 plus my 2!) I would also appreciate your input cos despite the fact my arse looks crap in most trousers (normally with a VPL as well!) strangely enough when i look in a changing room mirror it looks OK. I would really appreciate someone saying yay or nay to something. I tried clicking on your name to pm you but it wont let me, and I'm a bit shit with computers? are you on FB or can you pm me so i can reply??

Just finished a HUGE online shopping spree for A/W12! Rarely get to browse the shops owing to my rather demanding 1 yo DD . May work for you given your location/time restraints.

I found lots of clothes suitable for a 30 something (i'm 31), all could be styled with a pair of skinnies or similar. Simple! Few of my buys are

Simple tshirt from Cos.

Fine knit top again Cos.

Cape dress from, yes you guessed it, Cos.

Short jacket from Massimo Dutti.

Animal print flats again Massimo Dutti.

Leather jacket from Zara.

Also have my eye on this cover up from Reiss.

Hope there's some inspiration for you there. Can't wait for the postman now .

OBface I like the Massimo Dutti short jacket, have no clue when I'd wear something like that though. What is A/W12? Is this something to do with the AVID and WISE threads I keep seeing that I avoid because I don't know what it means?

Autumn/Winter 2012 twatty fashion speak, sorry to have confused! No idea what all the avid and wise threads are about either

I bought the jacket for everyday wear, would work well with skinnies and a t shirt

Actually skinnies can look cheap and frumpy unless you have amazing legs or a stylish look that can pull them off.
Bootcuts can look dated or very flattering depending on colour of denim and length.
Boyfriend or those baggy thigh numbers usually look cool because it looks effortless. Obviously works less well if the rest of you is a disaster.
Don't do what everybody local to you is doing - looks fake and too try hard. For instance everyone near me is very expensive and bohemian. I look like a bonkers hippy if I try. My lesbian chic look suits me and fits in on some level. Do the look you like and copy bits from people well away from where you live. That way you are fashion forward and wearing stuff you like.

Skinny jeans come in so many different forms though, just a case of finding the right one for you and styling it appropriately (not as tricky as it sounds, perhaps simply a flattering top that's not so fitted - Cos is full of them at the moment, check out their site).

For a not so skinny skinny, try Topshop baxters as a good starting point.