Really hating the way I look at the moment :-(

[Pseudodinosaur]

And it's really making me hate myself.

I always used to be quite pretty when I was younger. I was slim, with lovely hair and looked attractive. I'm 35 now and I feel my face has really changed and I'm not sure if it's because I'm heavier now than I used to be (10 stone as opposed to 8 stone). I just feel my face has changed and I've lost the prettiness I used to have. My face almost looks masculine now and is puffy.

I know so many people that are bigger than me but look nice in their photos on FB but I never put any of me on. I used to be in photos all the time but now hate having my photo taken. I want to be able to be in photos again though. I have my hair cut and highlighted regularly but it looks rubbish and never looks right. I wear make up each day but there doesn't seem any point as I look awful.

I've been trying to lose the weight for 2 years since I had my youngest DC. I have to admit I've not been very motivated. I want to get back to being how I was 10 years ago, very focussed on my figure and exercise but I can't and I don't know why. I never get any time to myself to do any exercise, and if I try to do a DVD at home my 2 year old plays up, and he doesn't nap in the day.

What do I do? I can't go on like this

Gosh, I sort of know what you mean. Part of it is, I think, just accepting that you do look different from how you did 10 years ago. But as you recognise, you do have to like how you look now.

You say you don't like your hair. What about changing your hairdresser? Ask a friend whose hair you like where they go, and then go to see the stylist for a consultation before you commit to anything.

And make-up. Have you ever had a beauty consultation at, say, Bobbi Brown, who are supposed to be very good? Or, if you have one near you, you could try a Space NK where they have lots of different brands, eg, Mac, Nars, By Terry, Laura Mercier, and usually helpful assistants willing to spend time with you to find a lipstick or whatever that really works for you.

On a similar note, although you don't mention clothes, maybe you could try a personal shopper at John Lewis, Selfridges, Gap or Topshop, depending on inclination and budget. You don't even have to buy but you might get some good new ideas.

I really know what you mean about struggling to fit the exercise in - but can you do a DVD in the evening after your DC are in bed? Or, if Your DP or someone else is around to look after them, go jogging now the evenings are getting lighter? If jogging isn't your thing, what about swimming? Lots of pools open late into the evening.

One last thing: I bet you don't look nearly as bad as you think you do. We are all our own harshest critics.

thanks Sariska :)

The thing that's upsetting me, is friends that are the same age as me, or older, look fantastic. Trim, toned, with lots of time and money to spend on themselves and I feel fat and scruffy in comparison.

I think I'm going to have to change hairdressers, although when I'm in the salon my hair is fine but I can never style it well myself at home. The make up and clothes ideas are good, I can't really afford to buy many clothes but like you say I could go and get some ideas.

With regards to exercise, my husband works away a lot, but yes doing a dvd once the kids are in bed is a good idea, I have the Shred DVD so will have to give that a go each night.

You're so right about us all being our own harshest critic. I am very critical of myself these days, but I'm sure others don't see me as looking quite as bad as I feel I do

When I was much younger I tool a gamble on self funding a masters and was living in a hostel with no money for anything...I decided that if I got in the best shape of my life (which I could do for free via diet/running, etc), then my clothes would look like a new wardrobe , then added some fake tan and taught myself to give myself great French manicures...my hair do's were spared to occasional trips to the hairdresser as I didn't have the cash. But I have to say it totally worked and not only made me look better but felt a hell of a lot better too...

It might well be the weight making your face look different - it was the same for me when I put on about a stone and a half (quite a lot for me as I'm small), and it was particularly noticeable in photos - it was like the shape of my face was completely changed. When I lost the weight I got my cheekbones and jawline back and looked more like me again (admittedly a slightly more 'mature' version of me )

You sound very very harsh on yourself though. I bet you don't look so bad as you think either. Hating yourself is silly - so you've put on a bit of weight? You're not the first, and it's not the end of the world, and you can do something about it.

Your hair does change as you get older, so maybe you need a different style now or different products? Not sure about make up as I don't really wear it myself, but I guess your skin type and colouring might change a bit as well, so maybe what worked for you 10 or 20 years ago isn't quite right now?

Some people age better than others
I have aged badly too (I think)

Thank you so much everyone for the lovely replies.

henrysmama, I think that's a good idea and I think losing weight is what I need really, like you say my clothes will seem so much better if I get in good shape again.

Ephiny, yes that is exactly it! this is going to sound mad but my face has a square-ish shape now, then my shoulders look really big too even though actually my lower body isn't big (size 12 but have always been a 6/8) but I feel my face and shoulder give the impression of me being 'big' when I'm probably not (although am overweight for my height, am 5ft 4 and about 10.5 stone).

cybbo that is so true. Unfortunately my parents and grandparents all seem to age well, I don't know why I am ageing quicker? Although when people find out I'm 35 they say I look younger so like some of the others say maybe I am judging myself too harshly.

I am very low in mood right now and I don't know if I feel bad about myself because of my low mood or if my low mood is because of how I look, it seems to be a viscious circle.

Pseudo not having enough time to devote to exercise and being groomed won't last forever. You'll be back on form by your mid to late thirties - and that's your prime.

Are the friends you are comparing yourself with - those trim, toned, wealthy friends - parents yet? If not, they'll be looking like yettis just about the time you emerge as gorgeous again.

Everything really starts to look shit the day after your 40th birthday

You've got 5 years yet! Make the most of it

I would second a new haircut. In the last 6months I have gone from long hair to a bob to practically a pixie cut. Has certainly taken the pressure off as I keep getting compliments on my hair - diversion tactic see? I could safely lose a stone and would look much better in my current clothes. I really must stop living vicariously through other people's exercise plans though, the weight's not going to magically vanish. It can be so hard to get out of a rut.

I know exactly what you mean about the 'square' shape of your face, that's how mine was! Maybe some of us just tend to put on weight around the face area more than others, but the flip side of that of course is that it tends to come off from there pretty quickly once you start to lose.

You can't be much overweight at that height/weight though. I know it probably seems a lot if you're used to being slim, but it's really not so bad! You should easily be able to lose a bit through exercise and cutting back a bit.

Exercise is probably a great idea for you right now actually, as it can help with improving your mood and emotional wellbeing as well as the physical health/weight loss benefits. I'd really try to prioritise some regular exercise if you at all can.

For diet, I've done a bit of calorie counting as a quick fix, but found the Paul McKenna method fantastic for making long-term changes to the way I eat. There's a support/chat thread in the diet/weight loss forum if you want to check it out :).

I may be wrong but I don't think the problem is so much how you now look rather the way you see yourself.
No one really changes that much in a few years from pretty to masculine!

You sound so down about everything about yourself, I have a feeling you're quite attractive but just can't see it at the moment.

I second that - you're probably far more attractive than you think you are!

Thank you again everyone, you are all making me smile :)

KandyBarr, yes they all have DCs. The main one that is very glam though has a husband that works from home, so she can hop off to the gym/zumba/spinning at short notice, and also they don't seem to be short on cash as she's forever buying clothes. I know it's not a good idea to compare myself to people but I spend a lot of time with her and she makes me feel a right frump, well she doesn't, she's lovely, it's me lol, but I can't help comparing myself.

LOL Cybbo, I really do need to make the most of it don't I

Silkstalkings, I'm thinking of having my hair done a lot blonder as I think that might make a big difference and would 'lift' my complexion etc. At the moment it's highlighted a caramel colour but I might go a lot lighter for summer. I had it very blonde when I feel I was more attractive in the past so I'm wondering if that would give me a boost?

Ephiny, you're right about the exercise. I think I might start getting up a half hour earlier than the kids and do my Shred DVD then, as I feel so tired when hubby is away and after doing all the bedtimes, bathtimes, cleaning up, lunches etc single handedly. I think you're right that some people just put the weight on on their face, mine all seems to sit on my shoulders, upper arms and face, it's really odd. I wish in a way I put it on my bum and thighs instead as they'd be easier to hide!

Verystressed and Henrymama I think feeling down is affecting my perception of myself, definitely.

Cybbo - you glamour puss you!

Pseud - I am blonde (with help) and whenever I've gone a bit darker I've felt frumpy - get the hi-lights!

Also I know for me - my weight makes a massive difference to how I feel about myself. I'm only 5ft so a few extra pounds makes a massive difference on me. I can obsess with the best about my weird back fat/freakishly large rib cage/lack of waist/resemblance to a Lithuanian shotputter from behind But most of it is just my own issues really.

I haven't aged well but botox is helping with that and also am losing the weight I gained last year. I just didn't want to hear myself moaning about my weight for another summer - honestly - I bore myself.

And we're so lucky now - you can have good fashionable clothes for very few £££ with new look/primark/ebay etc.

I bet you are a lot prettier than you think but you will feel better as soon as you lose some weight.

Now I've recently read a fab book called 'run fat bitch run' [controversial title] but its very good. And the great thing about running is its free and takes very little time - so you should be able to fit it in. Also just getting out walking in the day lifts my mood a lot.

I'd also buy a new outfit - only a cheapy one as you'll be losing weight but it will lift your mood now. My sister is similar height and weight to you and always looks amazing.

OP, have a look at the colour analysis / seasons threads on S&B.

Mrs CB I'm so not kidding.I have aged more in the last 2 years than the previous 10 put together

Am panic buying 30% Glycolic Acid in a bid to ward off no 11's and crevice pores

I would try and tackle the weight first. I gained loads of confidence and felt my face shape changed and looked more feminine and pretty when I lost 20 lbs (the Shred 4 or 5 x a week!). It is creeping back on now and I am starting to feel puffy-faced and a bit crap again.

Exercising, if you can fit it in will make you sleep better and feel happier about life, as well as toning you up. But don't obsess about being slightly over weight.

Also, guzzle water and ditch caffeine. Will address the puffy-ness.

And get your eyebrows done professionally - total youthifier.

At 5 4 and 10.5 stone you are either bang on or close to a BMW of 25, ( depending if you meant 5 lb or .5 of a stone!) so you really aren't fat. Try drinking loads of water, my face gets puffy when I'm dehydrated and when I had two smalls I lived off caffeine! It's hard to diet with littles as you don't want to be grumpy- try getting your 5 a day and get out for lots of walks with the dc, if you lift your mood you will start to feel better.

Snap meryl!

please forgive me if i'm way off here but i'm wondering if you're feeling more than a bit down. you seem SO hard on yourself ("rubbish", "masculine", "awful", "puffy" ) but tbh you don't sound much different appearance-wise to most of us following the baby period. are you feeling down or even depressed generally?

if i'm talking crap and you think that it is just a boost you need then i second silk's suggestion of hoc style/colour as they can be great for giving confidence and getting you out of a style slump. here's a recent thread on which a couple of us have talked about it: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/style_and_beauty/1433956-Im-bored-of-my-lack-of-style

I can't really add much to this as everyone has given fantastic advice. I would echo Season's comments though as I have a friend who's a beautiful person inside and out who is beating herself up so much lately as she is carrying more weight than 5 or 6 years ago. She's been diagnosed with mild depression and is on a course of medication to help her. Not suggesting that this is the case with you but don't be afraid to ask your doctor about it as we have such hormone shifts in our 30's and 40's and it's not unusual.
In terms of the exercise, I am too busy to fit classes or DVD's in and I've a bad knee so can't do high impact stuff anyway. So the way I get my exercise is by forcing myself to walk as much as possible every day. I work in a church two mornings a week so I park at the school, walk to the church and then I have no choice but to walk back to the school at pick up time. And as I am always running late, I end up having to almost run back to the school! It's brilliant exercise. On other days, when I'm thinking about where I need to go, I'm always thinking about how I can walk even just part of the way - short bursts are best and always walk up stairs in shops etc.
Classes and DVD's are always an hour or so and harder to fit in - but in reality, you only need to do half an hour at a time and it's just as effective. Get the buggy out and walk round the block, to the shops or take your LO to the park and run about, chasing. It all adds up.
And, like so many have said above, we are all our own harshest critics...life is too short. I'm almost 40 and I'm ageing - not in a good way on my face but no-one's ever said to me so until they do, I'm going to step back from the mirror and tell myself it's as smooth as a baby's bottom :)

Hi there, objectively I'm sure you look absolutely fine at 5ft4 and 10.5 stone, you are in better shape than me!

Agree with dingdong - try to fit some exercise into your daily life go out for lots of walks with your DCs - will hopefully also make them sleep and calm down a bit if they are getting lots of exercise ,shred DVD is good but it is very hard to do it 7 days a week - I'd aim for 3-4 to begin with. Is there a local gym with a creche - you could try that and see how it goes.

Also I wonder if your mood is impacted by your diet. I would try cutting right back on your refined carbs ( white bread, pasta, white rice), rubbish ( fizzy drinks - even diet ones and processed foods as much as possible) and sugars not so much to lose weight but to see if it impacts your mood. When you get hungry eat nuts - yes high in calories but full of nutrients and protein so will fill you up for longer and hopefully lighten your mood.

If you aren't happy with your hair try going to another hairdresser and yes definitely get the highlights if you think it will make you feel happier. I had been having my hair done more subtly over the past few years, but then thought sod it I like having it properly blondish and have gone back to that and I get a lot more compliments and feel a lot happier in myself.

You could also go to Debenhams as they do free style advisors, lots of brightly coloured stuff in the shops at the minute to brighten your mood ( although my friend has warned me off a pair of cropped pink capris that I have my heart set on in mint velvet apparently I'm too old as I remember them first time around)

Stop beating yourself up about your weight. Yes it would be nice if you could be 8st again but you need to accept yourself as you are now, get comfortable with looking at yourself in the mirror with acceptance - I'd recommend Paul McKenna "I can make you slim" as it helps a lot with positive self affirmation.

I could have written this OP myself - I am feeling exactly the same. I am 35 too and feeling fat, tired and frumpy at the moment.
Since having DCs I have put on a stone, and had my long blonde hair cut into a bob and coloured red which I think makes me look older. I am constantly tired thanks to an 18MO bad sleeper and this makes me eat sugary snacks and carbs which I know is the worst thing to do.
When I look back at photos of myself when I was 25 I looked so much better and I would love to get some of that back.
I'm taking some good tips from this thread - I feel more motivated now to try and fit in some exercise and eat better,and to grow my hair again.

Definitely ditch caffeine, it really affects your mood so it's one thing to eliminate when reassessing yourself. Decaff coffee tastes no different and apparently green tea (available in decaff) has overtaken builder's tea in popularity in the UK. I have trained myself to like redbush, took a while, from revulsion to tolerance to 'aah bliss.'