Holy crap. WTAF can I wear for an event of such serious lahdedahness?

[poshlaydeehonestguv]

Namechanged

One has been invited to the Queen's garden party at Balmoral this August. One is a dumpy apple shape, 5'3" with shapely but chunky legs and serious belly/overhang going on.

What does one wear to such an event, and more importantly what would suit one's unfortunate figure? One normally wears jeans.

Yes, I think harbingerofdoom has it. Just dress like the queen. Or Camilla, obviously.

Wedges for grass to avoid sinkage
Decent hat esp if sunny, think about anchorage if windy (covering all possibilites here)

HaHa obviously.
How many times have you been?

Bargain Chloe dress. quite pretty but bit short?

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/See-Chloe-Silk-Dress-/120863255299?pt=UK_Women_s_Dresses&hash=item1c2402eb03#ht_500wt_1287

Do not wear heels.
Or sandals. The Queen does not want to see your toes.
Wear something that covers you - she does not want to see your cleavage, tattoos or thighs either.
And you must wear a hat.
I used to go every year to BP garden party in my last job [ponce emoticon], to one of the special tea tents.

I went the year it got flooded out and ruined both my hat and my shoes.
Oxfam if you are in a fairly posh area is a good source of hats.

Mrs S Is quite correct. I would also like to say that 'copy' is no insult to anyone.

There's no dress code. Looky here, jeans and t-shirt will be fine

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1896014/Dress-code-for-Her-Majestys-garden-parties.html

The most pertinent bit is this. Makes some good sense that Lord John does

"A lot of the people who go do need to be encouraged to make themselves look a bit more respectable," says Lord St John of Fawsley. "Things have been starting to get a bit out of hand, but it reflects a wider problem. The wealthier our society seems to become the worse it seems to look."

I've only been 5 or 6 times to her garden parties, completely different to the winter season, but there didn't seem to be a 'dress code'. I wore shorts and sandals. The queen seemed fine about it.

Love the Prada one. Sadly I'm a 16 :(.

I suppose if I put my mind to it I could be a 12 by August but it would grate against my principles to lose weight for Her Maj.

So low heels or wedges, no boobs (spoilsports), no legs (not a problem), and a hat. I'm only 30, there's no way on this earth I'm wearing a Camillaesque coat dress. And in August. Really?!

This is a tough one.

Prada one's lovely isn't it? Don't go on a diet for the queen, she'll never appreciate your effort. This is pretty and cheap. You could just buy it and if it's no good take it in a bag and give it to Camilla.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Vintage-tea-dress-16-/200716975235?pt=UK_Women_s_Vintage_Clothing&hash=item2ebba9fc83#ht_500wt_1287

If you're only 30, Posh, then there is no way on god's good earth you should attempt to dress like Camilla ( she does dress nicely but still ). It's possible to cover up a bit ( my dress did have a bit of cleavage but the very lightweight linen scarf thing was deployed to keep it from being in HM's face ).
Speaking as a fully paid up working class northern monkey I felt more confident amongst the assorted poshos for knowing that I looked a bit glam - go for it, comrade, stick it up the bourgeoisie.

What are your norks like? Should we be looking for v neck with a little cleavage showing to distract the eye from lower down?

Oh blimey - it's a big ask when you aren't tall & slim isn't it . It would be my living nightmare being invited to something like this... still, you are taller and slimmer than me - you will find something lovely. A 16 is not large.... and a hat - as someone else said, it will lift the eye & distract. Frankly, I'd go with the woolly beanie - that will certainly distract

I disagree with the no boobs thing. as long as you're not flashing loads of leg, then a little cleavage is never a problem. Obviously no nipples though!

Book a date with a personal shopper at House of Fraser/John Lewis.

Hire a hat nice you've settled on your outfit.

Nothing looks less cool than heels sinking into the lawn. Wedge or court heels.

Take an umbrella.

Don't wear a wrap, particularly if wrapped around, passed under the arms and knotted at the back. Her Majesty does not require any lucky heather.

What about THIS ??

Enjoy

Chipping loved the "graphic" warning, and the giant arse in pic 4. Could that girl look less elegant.

www.vivienofholloway.com/en/category/jezebel-pencil-dress/jezebel-pencil/1386/ - added advantage of being called ' Jezebel'.

Enjoyresponsibly, are you dissing my dead posh black linen wrap ? My breasts are a law unto themselves, I couldn't trust them not to break free at the merest whiff of the upper classes - droit de seigneur and all that.

How about www.coast-stores.com/DIVINE-DRESS/Dresses/coast/fcp-product/2224767115

Msarse I'm sure it's lovely but I have an unnatural aversion to wraps in general knotted at the back.

You need to work up from the feet. Ballet pumps or court shoes with a fat heel are great on lawns at garden parties. Then nude tights and a built in control top and no pants worn underneath, and take a spare pair. Also get a wonderfully well fitting bra. Then pick a dress that suits your shape. Consider:

Neckline - big norks, choose a V-neck or sweetheart neckline. Little norks, choose a round neck or a slash neck.
Sleeves - nice upper arm, choose short sleeves; bingo wings, choose sleeves to the elbow. Avoid sleeveless styles.
Waist - any kind of waist, choose tailored panels to show it off. Absence of waist, choose straight dress.
Length - skirt should be as long waist to hem as your shoulder to waist measurements.

I would actually be inclined to get something made by a professional dressmaker - a well tailored, lined shift dress skimming the knee, with sleeves, made from a Liberty-type print, raw silk or super light wool, with a tailored and lined plain long line jacket for over the top, perhaps in a beige or the accent colour from the print. Clutch type bag with optional strap picking up the accent colour again, and beige coloured shoes (to make your legs look a big longer). Very plain cream or beige hat, to keep things simple.

No problem, ER ( hang on, it's not Her Maj, is it ? I'm curtseying just in case ).
I can assure you that there was absolutely no behind the back wrap tying going on, merely casual embonpoint draping

Oooh well posh. Do you live up there? If not, please take a few days to visit our beautiful scenery.

I disagree with LittleFish. Flash some nip at her maj.

BoffonMum if I ever need to look like I havn't climbed out of a skip will you take me shopping?

Oh, very exciting. I went because my dad got an invite to Buckngham palace when I was 23, I managed to dress like my mum and said hello to Prince Philip when we'd been told to adress him as Your Royal Highness

Not my finest hour but the sun shone and the chocolate cake was great!

I hope you have a good time op and manage to conduct yourself with more decorum than me which would not be difficult