I am pregnant despite being a virgin, honest guv and have no idea what I'm doing...

[HostOfPhantomListeners]

No idea how that happened, but happen it did.

So this year I have to go to 2 weddings (one summery hogroast type affair, one more formal, church, sit down reception shennanigans), a night out in some glam cocktail bar in London named 'I really don't belong here even when non-pregnant' and then a couple of other things at which I should probably wear something other than a loose-fitting tarp and sou'wester.

I'll be between 4 and 8 months when these things happen and ideally need to buy one item of clothing that will suit them all. I have frick all money, even less idea of what looks good and don't shop well.

All maternity dresses are ruffled and/or black and/or made of viscose.

I'm a bit of a hippy and like patchwork and DMs.

Just point me in the direction of a dress that will do. I'm size 10 and 5' 4" on tiptoes.

Oh by 4 months I will be huge already. I turn into a Greenpeace special interest project from 12 weeks. No chance I can wear anything non-maternity.

New Look can be really good for maternity actually if you can bring yourself to go in there.

Yes I have to wear fitted dresses to avoid looking like a toilet roll cover doll when pregnant. Hence disappointment with all recent maternity purchases.

Hope you find something you like. If you order before end of today (or possibly this weekend, too lazy to check) Top Shop are doing free next day delivery so you could get it to see what you think. Can then return instore - crucial for me, else I never get round to returning things

In the sale.

Oh and HOPL, I don't know who you are even though you're v funny so I feel I should recognise you

You could indeed dress up or down - you see you'll be talking the talk soon and asking us to find you a maternity-pant

I'd wear trousers for wedding with butterfly top and then jeans for the bar with nice heels [or DMs]

Maybe this with a little cardi?

I'm wearing maternity pant. It's like a giant, lowcut version of my usual pant...er... hang on, you're not talking underwear are you?

Are these very wrong? I like the butterfly top, I want cheap slightly floaty, non clingy trousers that match.

I don't wear heels. I look like a man in drag.

Norkily, no reason why you would recognise me, this is the first name I've ever posted under. No idea who these people think I am.

I want to dress like one of those Issy Oliver or whatever she's called women. You know, all glam and sexy whilst pregnant. Doesn't work for me as I'm too busy trying to stop Greenpeace from rolling me out to sea.

Norkily, when really pg I just wear dh's boxers.

Boffy, too black and white. Bride no2 would stab me with the cake knife.

Ew, I don't like the trousers with that top - flannel surely means they'll be thick and hot? How about just wide leg bog standard mat trousers?

Man up Reality fgs.

Can you get linen maternity trousers. I like linen. It's similar to hemp.

Dh's waist already smaller than mine (how can I still have nearly 4 months to go?) so that won't work...

Would you consider?

Any use?

Saw something nice earlier but can't find it again. Am going to stop now, as I really can't be giving advice to anyone given what I am currently wearing...

These are better, IMO

Maxi dress

DP one is nice though a bit busy. Could wear DM boots with it. Ooh and a straw hat.

Good trousers Bof, I like.

Love the Dorothy Perkins one. Worth getting pg for that one.

Generally if one wushes to remain ingognito it is a good idea to change your status.

If Hosty is who I think she is, I haven't really recovered from her last shopping thread.

Is this too long?

Oh God that status thing hasn't worked for ages...

I'm having this deleted.

Could look nicely hippyish with some beads and the trousers.

Save the thread first so you don't lose the links.

But we are all very discreet over here if you want to stay in the maternity closet for now x

Yes - wait a bit and there'll be loads of linen maternity trousers in the shops - again h&m good for them.

Or just change the status since deleting the thread will not wipe our minds. MN don't have the power to do that yet do they?