In one word yes abuse and neglect.

Your Mum was abusive, she chose unsuitable partners. She prioritised her needs over yours. She was emotionally unavailable to you. She was cruel and manipulative to deflect from her actions.

Yes you grew up in an abusive environment. That is your truth and you can and will recover from all of that with the right support.

Yes. Emotional abuse and neglect. Your parents and step-father all abused you. Your childhood sounds sad and empty. I hope you get the support you need and deserve so that you can begin to process all of this.

That is part of the abuse. Many abusers are masters of manipulation. They have honed the skill of manipulation over a lifetime. They typically turn themselves into victims in the situation so they don’t have to face up to their behaviour.

You can see all this stuff now. Your physical symptoms are caused by your mothers behaviour. If you get yourself well this could transform your life but you need a chasm of emotional distance away from your mother and her enablers.

Other people will see your mother how they want to see her not how she is. They do that because seeing her as she is would require them to take actions they choose not to take. You need to protect yourself and your own family from exposure to this behaviour.

In a way though like most victims of abuse you have probably internalised her voice and when that happens a person almost gets to a point where you are gaslighting yourself.

When you fully process this and deal with the pain arising from that you will get to a place where you fully understand that she is the abusive person and you are the wronged party here.

but my mum is in denial and thinks I was an awful person as a child

Erm, excuse me. How could she possibly know what you were like as a child? She. Wasn't. There.

If you were really skinny, why was that? Was it because you failed to go shopping and throw together delicious meals? Or might somebody else have been a bit slack in that direction, possibly?

Grrrrr. And yes, I expect the fibro is linked to your sense of having been abandoned. Some people do not make good parents, sadly. Your Mum is one of them.

Your not wrong, I'm so sorry you had such a sad childhood.
Do you feel better for your stepfather acknowledging it now?
How did you mum react to his admission?

Ime backing away for your dm as an adult helps.
Been nc for best part of 20 years.

Yes it's abuse and neglect. Not sure you can blame your fibromyalgia on it however.

Link on Inflammatory Cytokine and link to autoimmune conditions sorry only a wiki one

The threat response actives cytokine production in the body and excess cytokines cause autoimmune responses. There is significant evidence emerging that childhood and ongoing trauma can cause a lot of autoimmune issues due to the increased immune response brought about by the body’s fight or flight response.

I'm so sorry you experienced such a traumatic and neglected childhood, op and agree with pp.

It's really, really common for people who've experienced traumatic lives to find themselves afflicted with chronic physical conditions and I was thinking you might find it useful to read the book The Body Keeps The Score, Mind, Body and Brain in the Transformation of Trauma by Sean Pratt.

And as a pp said, there is new research suggesting a link between lived trauma and other diseases such as autoimmune. Often a genetic predisposition exists already, which is triggered by circumstances.

You certainly were abused. You were neglected emotionally and physically.

You were tragically bereaved at a young age.

I hope you can feel your grandma with you always. Love never dies.

💐💐💐

Yes you have been through a great deal of abuse by the sounds of it - physical, sexual, emotional, mental, and neglect.

Have a look at Adverse Childhood Experiences - you seem to have a lot of them, and they can affect us for the rest of our lives. Remember, young people are still developing up to age of 25.

You have gone through so much trauma, I hope you’re able to seek the care you need 💐