Free meal ticket to adult ss?

[orangeandlemons]

I just do not kow what to make of current situation, and am beginning to feel like an evil witch...

12 months ago dss (23) moved back home as he had split up with gf. He was meant to be here for 6 weeks.............

Anyway, he met someone new. She is nice girl and am happy for him etc.

However, he deciede to go abroad with gf for three months (hasn't gone yet). This means he will resign from his job (which isn't what he wants to do, but is agood job. Then go abroad for 3 months. Will return with no job, no money, and no benefits, and no visible means of support.

I was never party to any discussion about this, and it was thrust upon me as a fait accompli. Now, I am furious that I am expected in effect, to support a fully grown adult, who has packed in his job on a whim to go on a jolly. When I was 24 I would never ever have behaved in this way. I was totally independent.

Now I know it is different these days, and kidults seem to hang around a lot longer, but I am livid about this. I have had a lot of rows with dp about it, who keeps coming out with crap like "Well, he's in love" or "He probably never thought" (this one makes me angrier than anything-what a lovely luxury not having to think like an adult).
We are very strapped for cash, and to be honest, I would love to walk out of my job, and have someone to support me

I would be accepting of someone younger doing this, late teens/ very early twenties, but he will be rising 25 when he comes back.

But I would be furious with my own DS if he tried this

I Have had so many arguments about it, that I am beginning to think that perhaps I am being unreasonable not him, but I feel totally and absolutely insulted, and that the piss is been taken out of me.

Am I an eveil witch stepmother?

Could your ss take a long leave of absence or some sort of sabatical? Does he have to quit? Employers are far more reasonable than we think and there is generally some flexibilty.

Nope, he has to quit, he asked for leave of absence but they won't give it.

No yanbu. I think the fact that DP didn't even discuss this with you is dreadful and disrespectful. Why didn't he talk to you about it?

Not sure what you can do. You are not an evil witch step-mother just somebody who is being taken advantage of. When you try and explain the way you feel you are made to feel so bad. I do understand as a SM to adult DSC. Problem is, what do you do?

Sorry no answers but I feel your pain.

has he been contributing the past 12 months while he's been staying with you? If not, thats probably why he hasnt 'grown up' and your dp is doing him no favours letting him act like a 15 year old....

If he has been contributing, is it a reasonable amount? You could insist that this continues at same or higher level and question dss directly how he intends to pay...

Its a difficult one and i feel for you too....

i was thinking about this..

You need to write down what it costs to have dss living with yOu... Food, extra electricty etc and then look at how much you could rent his room out either to a lodger or a student or even as a host for foreign students, add these figures together for the year and then talk to dp as this is what dss could be contributing to you, it would be interesting to see if dp fully realises... Think together what you could do with that money instead of supporting a scrounger who really should be supporting himself at that age....

What's to say he won't get a job when he gets back?
In the meantime he can do temp work - not the best but there is work out there and it pays money and that way he can contribute or at least pay soem of his own way.

No reason you need to support him any longer than it takes him to get a suit on and get registered with some temp agencies.
He might be lucky and get a new job on his return fairly quickly.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but you are assuming he's planning to come home and sit on his arse all day for a while. Has he actually said that's his plan?

I think when young, before being tied to property and a good job, it's probably exactly the right time to go travelling but not with the expectation that you'll fund him. Maybe he'll do some growing up whilst away.

Like the lodger idea. DP is doing him no favours if dss isn't contributing to the household budget. If he's a member of the the family then he needs to behave like one.

He pays £25.00 per week and buys some of his own food.

He is coming back about 3 weeks before Christmas, so it is probably the worst time of year to find a job temporary or not.

This row has been going on since just after Christmas. I feel as if I have been browbeaten into accepting it as being normal, but I can't

Dp says he'll put some money in to pay for dss when he returns, but not how much. But that isn't the answer. I have said over and over again that this is wrong, but I have been left with no choice, so now I just feel resentful. I feel inclined to say I am not prepared to pay for anything to do with it, including food, bill etc. I am so

£25? God, I paid more than that at 18, 18+ yrs ago, no doubt earning a lot less! No wonder he has no impetus to grow up and find independence for himself - he's got it too easy & he's well aware he'd have to pay a lot more even if he was flat sharing and fend for himself a lot more too I suspect. If he was a fully paid up member of the family and did his fair share it would be a different matter. But really dss isn't the problem here but dp is - unless of course it's dp doing all the cooking, ironing, household chores...? Really dp is doing his son no favours.

l know how you feel. 22 still lives at home with me and dad. Acts exactly as he would if it was just him and dad. lgnorant piss taking little shit - encouraged every step of way by otherwise fair reasonable lovely man l married sticking up for him all the time. Tell im he s like a lioness with his cub!!. Mother moved away with boyfriend when he was 16 - while l put up with this shit every day. Sorry to neg you out even more but am very close to giving up. Think he will stay at home till hes 30!!

"Like a lioness with her cub" - that's such an excellent description. I really feel for you, but not sure if I can offer any advice.

Hi. I'm not sure if I understand the nub of the problem entirely. He's going abroad for 3 months with his girlfriend.
On the plus side you wont have to support him, feed him, clean up after him etc during that time. He may even find a job abroad which he enjoys and may stay.
On his return he may find a job straightaway or his old employer may have him back.
He may not necessarily return to live with you - but may find somewhere with girlfriend, possibly? If they are still together .
I know I went off travelling when I was younger, chucked in what others perceived as a "good job" and it was a fantastic experience - learnt a lot and came back with a better perspective on what I wanted from life. Also made me appreciate my parents more too, by the way (it may do the same for him - maybe?!).
I would send him on his way with good will and hope he has a great time. He's taken a big step and this may be the first one he is making on his way to greater independence which is ultimately what you would like and actually would be a good thing for him too, from what you have said.
If I am honest with myself I am actually a teeny weeny bit jealous of his opportunity!

orangeandlemons, having re=read your original post, are you being asked to fund his trip or part of it, or his living expenses whilst abroad? If that is the case, and I missed it, I apologise.
If that is so, then I would be pretty cross about it, if I hadnt been consulted, but just expected to do so on my DH's say so...

ladydeedy from what I understand I think the problem the OP has is that she will be expected to fund dss when he returns as he will have no job because he gave it up to travel.
OP YABU. Your dss cannot expect at his age that you will support him like a child under these circumstances. He has chosen for himself to give up his job and travel so he needs to fund himself for that time and plan to fund himself after the trip. Fair enough to expect/hope that family will support you if they can in tough unplanned for times for example after the relationship split but I think that expecting you to pick up the bill after he volunteers to give up his job is taking the pee. I am also surprised that your dp has not backed you up more about this.

My step brother is moving back with parents for a time after a relationship split and giving up his job. He is also in his 20's. The reason is different though becuase in his case he has decided he would like to go to uni so he can get better prospects for the future. He has a child who part lives with him. My parents are happy to support him as they see it an investment into his future. Would they pay his keep while he had a long holiday? Absolutely not!

Sorry I meant OP YANBU

I think there should be a discussion about the future.
Has it been said that there is definitely a place for him when/if he returns from his extended leave?
If that is the intention then time to discuss how that would work and time for a fresh start perhaps. E.g you could set some groundrules about contribution from his side - that is you would expect x amount in monetary terms for however long. And if he spends sometime without a job, what other type of contribution he makes (housework, cooking, cleaning etc) in return for board and lodging and put a condition in that he must be looking for work. Presumably, as he has a good job currently and didnt really want to permanently leave it (but wanted to take extended leave, as you mentioned earlier), he is not the type of person who would be happy not working. That's what it sounds like to me in any case.
The very fact that he is going away for a while at least gives you and your DP osme chance to have a "break" without him there and time to rationally talk things over.
You never know, depending on what you decide are the groundrules, he may decide to find somewhere else to live when he returns...
Good luck in any case!

I think the problem with all this stepson triangle scenario - which seems to be a very common modern day problem - from reading this and other sites is this: Your partner or husband having their natural child around enhances their life - if you have children of your own you generally enjoy having them around - it does not however enhance the life of the step-parent even if you get on great with them -you still wouldnt wake up in the morning and think - ooh l am so glad x y or z lives with us - or - God I dread the day x y or z says they are leaving home. But the natural parent - especially if its a man - sorry guys but you dont get these matters sometimes - cant understand what the problem is. For example I once made the apparently murderous (!) statement that I looked forward to the day it was just me and him and my husband went beserk - huge row etc - saying l had it in for stepson and just didnt like him etc etc - l just thought I had made a healthy normal statement for a newlywed 48yr old woman - who has now lived in this 'triangle' with 24 year old s/son for 6 years with no light at end of tunnel. During the argument my husband insisted it made hardly any difference to us having him live with us and I was just being horrible. When he calmed down l managed to explain my my point across to a degree but he is so defensive on this subject its limited how much l can say. l explained that - to me - and it was nothing personal against his son - it made a huge difference for several reasons as follows - ladies see if you can relate and men - natural fathers in one of these triangles especially please TRY and relate.
Firstly -privacy - or lack of it - not just for the obvious but for all the little things like going to the bathroom in the middle of the night - l have to get dressed -albeit in a dressing gown but l cant run across the landing in the altogether in my own house! Secondly if l want to get up e.g. to make a brew in middle of night/early morning - I have to get dressed - I cant go downstairs in just a t-shirt or one of his shirts. Thirdly if I want to have a leisurely soak in the bath with music playing or just chat to my husband with door open I cant - i always have to lock bathroom door. If I have a bath or shower at night and want to go back downstairs and watch telly or even say something to my husband I cant go down in a towel or nightwear - I dont do wincyette pyjamas Im afraid or there wouldnt be a problem - I have to get dressed. We can only cuddle up on settee when s/son is out as hubby feels we are embarassing/marginilising him - and get this - 'in his own home'! We can only ever have sex in our bedroom (and then not allowed to make too much noise)- as again we would embarrass him - and me to be honest - if he heard us. And no we cant engage in anything remotely sexual - romantic or involving removal of clothes! outside the bedroom when he's out in case he comes back -a real passion killer to have at the back of your mind-trust me! The layout of our house means you would be marooned really - in other words you couldnt get to the stairs without passing the person who's just come in - which also means l cant even sunbathe even though I have a lovely suntrap garden - not overlooked by anyone and could do so very skimpily or even topless if it wasnt for you know who ! We cant even have a row - well not a personal one anyway - I am a very private person - I dont discuss our rows with even close friends - yet he hears every word - makes me feel so exposed. In summary - I find it very intrusive and invasive having a grown up adult male living with us and it bloody well does make a difference and no its not personal.

Suda - you've hit the nail on the head. It is indeed a triangle. It's just the same in our house, having my stepson around makes my husband happy, whereas I find it intrusive. And you're so right, my husband just can't quite understand how or why I feel like this. I've asked him how he'd feel if my mother were hanging round the house with us, but he just laughs and says that's whole different ball game - but it isn't, the principle is exactly the same. It's so refreshing to find people who understand this triangle.

petal02 - yes it is very comforting that someone can empathise especially when you re constantly being steamrollered into seeing it from the other angle. Even friends and family think l am being mean or over the top sometimes but l think the longer it goes on the more sensitised you become to the situation and l do sometimes think am l just being a bitch. The danger is that you get resentful when everyone is taking the other side and then it does become personal. l am always telling my husband this - usually during a big bust up about it - the more he defends him the more resentful l become and he is actually creating the very situation that he doesnt want - i.e. animosity between two people he loves very much - whereas if he occasionally even acknowledged that his son is a messy inconsiderate housemate and have some gratitude even for my tolerating the situation - then maybe things would be better. The boy lives with his father because his mother buggered off abroad when he was 14 and now lives with her new husband -just her and him - BLISS - l think my husband should blame her occasinally instead of forever being on my case - her free ride for the last ten years just adds to my resentment really. Anyway chins up eh :)!

If you don't want the trouble of someone else's kids, don't marry someone with kids. Simples.

The problem is though they're not kids are they - my own either went to uni or left home by twenty. My husbands other child left home at twenty one. When l met my now husband his now still at home one was already 17 - and about to go to uni - or so he led us to believe. Trust me if l had known he was still going to be bumming around our house at 24 - and his dad was going to be indefinitely fine with that -I would have thought twice. l dont think its fair that people who have had kids who are now grown up cant have a life of their own -especially when the other parent is doing so. But you are absolutely right with the marvellous 20/20 vision of hindsight - we should run a mile and l have advised my grown up daughter same - first question -are you single ? second question - have you got ex-wife/kids still hanging around - if yes - RUN.

Your kids are your kids though, however old. Yes, by all means you are entitled to a life of your own when your kids are all grown up, but it is a risk that you might not.

The issue of self-reliance financially is different. Adults should not be expected to keep other adults unconditionally in that fashion.

gay40 - you are absolutely right and I have managed to at least force through an agreement - and I did have to use all my persuasion on my husband - that my stepson pays some keep. My husbands argument was that he didnt take any off his oldest son when he lived at home - but my argument was it was just my husbands house then and also he left much younger. Admittedly I have a motive - I figure if someone is living at home getting all their meals cooked etc etc and the extra bonus of not paying any money out - then they would have to be nuts to even consider leaving home :)

petal02 -just a thought but would you feel able to show your husband my post and then maybe he just might be enlightened and not think its just you - I couldnt let my husband see any of this Im afraid he would be horrified - I often wish a problem would come up in the daily paper on this subject as he reads Dear Miriam religiously and its the same old story - if someone else says it he might take it in - anything I say is too close to home.