Free meal ticket to adult ss?

[orangeandlemons]

I just do not kow what to make of current situation, and am beginning to feel like an evil witch...

12 months ago dss (23) moved back home as he had split up with gf. He was meant to be here for 6 weeks.............

Anyway, he met someone new. She is nice girl and am happy for him etc.

However, he deciede to go abroad with gf for three months (hasn't gone yet). This means he will resign from his job (which isn't what he wants to do, but is agood job. Then go abroad for 3 months. Will return with no job, no money, and no benefits, and no visible means of support.

I was never party to any discussion about this, and it was thrust upon me as a fait accompli. Now, I am furious that I am expected in effect, to support a fully grown adult, who has packed in his job on a whim to go on a jolly. When I was 24 I would never ever have behaved in this way. I was totally independent.

Now I know it is different these days, and kidults seem to hang around a lot longer, but I am livid about this. I have had a lot of rows with dp about it, who keeps coming out with crap like "Well, he's in love" or "He probably never thought" (this one makes me angrier than anything-what a lovely luxury not having to think like an adult).
We are very strapped for cash, and to be honest, I would love to walk out of my job, and have someone to support me

I would be accepting of someone younger doing this, late teens/ very early twenties, but he will be rising 25 when he comes back.

But I would be furious with my own DS if he tried this

I Have had so many arguments about it, that I am beginning to think that perhaps I am being unreasonable not him, but I feel totally and absolutely insulted, and that the piss is been taken out of me.

Am I an eveil witch stepmother?

suda - you are so funny - wincyette nightie indeed- that takes me back - sounds like you could be quite a little raver on the quiet if you had the chance to get your OH to yourself. If the f waste of space was my son Id kick his arse out pronto and let me and wife have a proper married life - do him good by sound of it (wink)

sorry that was meant to be

Suda - nice idea, but my husband would go mad if he knew I read/posted here. But I agree that if the subject came up from someone other than me, then he might take some notice. Otherwise, I'm in the same situation as you: he won't hear it from me because I'm too close to home. But it's very comforting to realise I'm not the only person who finds the whole thing difficult.

Gay if the post had been from a parent about her natural son, you woulnd't be saying "well if you didn't want kids hanging around you shouldn't have had any"

Your post is jumping on the bandwagon a little in terms of the usual responses handed out to step-parents on here. Everyone has parenting issues at some point, step-parents included. It's simply not helpful to tell the OP it was her choice!

I'm a step parent myself, and it is absolutely a choice. If you meet someone with children, even grown up children, you have to appreciate that your partner's kids are always going to be a focus in their lives.

If you don't want that bother, get a partner with no children.

Adult leeches, however, are a different matter.

Actually, I would say the same to a natural parent, as mostly they have had a choice to procreate.

So if you think that the 'kid' in question is an adult leach, then there was no reason at all to reference the OP's 'mistake' in marrying a man with children, was there

petal02 - was just an idea -I love it when we are in the pub etc and one of our friends slags off a grown up stepchild and his natural parents over-protectiveness. It gives me a chance in front of my husband - but without talking about his precious son - to empathise and state my point of view without him getting all defensive and us ending up having blazing row. But you are obviously in same boat as me with regards to OH seeing this site. Maybe we should compose a problem for the newspaper and send it in - then leave it lying around

OP and Petal02. One thing that dawned on me a while ago was this - if adult s/child is effectively playing gooseberry in your relationship with natural parent then why the hell should you accomodate s/childs privacy with their girlfriend or whatever. The one thing that seems to make young people want a place of their own - and I think we all have vague memory of this - is not having anywhere to be alone with your girlfriend or boyfriend. This generation its more acceptable for them to have opposite sex in their room etc - in my day it was a no no - unless you had very open minded parents. But thats not to say you have to accomodate this - otherwise again its like the OPs argument - why should they bother moving out when its a free meal ticket or very cheap - similarly why should they move out when theyre getting all the privacy they want - while robbing you of yours by the way !! I will absolutely not allow anyone to sleep over in my stepsons room - I have to put up with him living with us and all the grief it brings but where oh where is it written I have to accomodate his mates/girlfriend aswell. Will not budge on that one Im afraid. Also I often 'change my mind ' at last minute about going out with DH just as dear S/son getting all excited at prospect of throwing girlfriend around (in my empty house) - I know this happens Ive seen the signs - we wont go there! I also vacuum the stairs and landing a lot when theyre in his room - generally hover around. Before I get flamed - why should he have privacy and an uninterrupted love life when we cant. Even when we are in our bedroom with door shut - he will still have benal conversation with his dad - we were once coitus interruptused by shouting through our door to ask his dad what time football started - and no it wasnt middle of the day - it was early morning before he went to work - a time when a married couple might well be doing what married couples do in their bedroom ! His dad once got us a bottle of wine and I cooked our favourite meal - candles etc - you get the picture - s/son was going out - it was Valentines night for Gods sake and we got a film. S/son changed his mind and stayed in - came and sat in between us on the settee - proceeded to watch the film but not before askihg for an update from his dad on first 15 mins he had missed. We have two downstairs rooms by the way and four settees - but oh no - bang in the middle of us. Fuming isnt the word - blazing row - I told DH I was half expecting to wake up one morning with him propped up in middle of us - so he wont feel left out

Suda - think maybe your adult stepson either incredibly thick or is deliberately playing mind games with you. In which case - and I think thats most probable - I dont blame you for playing them back - you go girl !!

I hadn't pointed out that she had made a mistake at all - only that if you enter a situation all knowingly, then you cannot complain later on down the line when it doesn't suit you.

But Gay, this is a parenting website which is full of parents' issues with their children. With your attitude then by rights, no-one should be posting about anything, as we all, presumably, chose to be parents!

I agree with Suda - hilarious post by the way - propped up in middle of bed with us - brilliant - the OP should take a leaf out of Sudas book and say to DH that if she has to accept our Leachie coming back for more freeloading then no way is she providing food /roof over head of girlfriend aswell - not even one night - surely even the most protective defensive father in the world couldnt justify pushing not only their son but his friends/partners aswell onto step-parent ?? Just refuse to budge on that one - you are having to compromise and sacrife enough as it is lets face it.

They'll soon be looking for their own place hopefully! Divide and conquer !!

p.s. On reading back my post I ve realised it could be construed as trying to split up the young lovebirds. Its not - its just that one of main reasons we want our own place - as Suda has already said - is for privacy otherwise we d all live in a commune I guess. If someone is getting all the privacy they need in your house they therefore have all the benefit of having their own place and as in this case a free ride to boot - bloody marvellous !
Im not suggesting OP ban girlfriend from coming to house etc or make her unwelcome - just dont have her camping there - meals,overnight stays etc. It would be counter-productive to alienate any girlfriends of these leach type s/sons they might be your best weapon in waving a final Ta-ra to them. Girls are often the ones who push for moving in together - in their own place - anyway.