Does anyone else live in the house that DP shared with BM?

[NotActuallyAMum]

I'm really struggling to settle in the house - DP says he doesn't think about his ex being there with him and I do believe him, but whilst he might not, I certainly do! I've lived with him now for nearly 9 months and don't feel any happier or more settled than I did on day 1. DP and I have just "bought" the house - I've given him a very large chunk of his divorce settlement - and we're having a joint mortgage, it's all due to be completed next Friday (at last!) and I am happy that it's finally going to happen but I'm also upset that I have to live in a house that I don't want to be in. DP has, grudgingly, agreed that if I can't settle in 12 months he will move but I know he doesn't want to move and think he'll be angry with me if I don't settle. He has been absolutely fantastic in letting me change anything that I've wanted to but I still don't feel comfortable in the house.

I'm also having to get used to being a step-parent which is completely new to me (I have no children) and I feel that this alone is hard enough.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

NAAM - I think it would be a great idea to print it out and show him!! Catbert's post made me think about my old family home actually. My Dad's new wife has spent years and thousands changing everything to convince herself she likes living there. Strange thing is - my Dad would prob move if asked. I would rather they had just sold the home I grew up in than change (in my eyes desecrate) all my original happy memories. Maybe he needs to consider if his SD will feel same way?

PS - Swiperfox - he wants to count himself extremely lucky you are still with him!!

I still live in my dp house the BM died and i take care of his dd, along with my own two children. I hate living in this house and although we have decorated and added an another room , it is still their family home. I have been here three years now and i cant wait to move , it is full of all their memories and i feel she is always watching me. I have told him how i feel , but i dont have a job at the moment and so could help towards a bigger morgage , so we have to stay here. Please if you Dp will move then do so , your feelings wont get any better and you will end up resenting the house, and it will never feel like home.

I wouldnt want to live there!!
I would want to choose somewhere together! do the children live with you?

I dont really want to live here ,but what do i do , he wont move. All three children live with us and they are all very settled . I hope that once the elder two have left high school ,(two years to go) we can finally move.

it must be really hard! Especially with the children as you dont want to upset them!
I dont know what to suggest! Have you discussed it?

Yes ,we have talked it over many time and whilst understanding the reasons not to move, ie children settled in school ,not being able to find a house that gives us what we already have, he still refuses to move. We have takled about moving once the children have left high school , but then will we be waiting for them to leave college. I just feel their are so many of their memories here ,it just isnt my home. He often talks about things that happened in the house when there where all toghether. I am trying not to feel selfish as it must be difficult for him , but time is moving on and i want to become more settled. Changing the wallpaper doesnt change what it once was. Thanks for listening.

NAAM, I'm in a different and rather lesser position in that I'm not a step-parent. However, I moved into a house that DH owned with his ex. I have never felt it was my home, and still refer to it as DH's house. I've completely re-decorated, built new rooms and thrown away as much of their joint furniture as I possibly can. He told me when I moved in that if I wasn't happy after 12 months we would move. After 12 months I asked to move, but somehow, the time is never right for him.... big changes in his business... trying to conceive... infertility investigations... waiting to start IVF... being pregnant... baby being born... me working part time... the list of reasons becomes endless and impenetrable.

I KNOW that I will not feel truly settled and happy until we are in a house that we have chosen together. Until then, I am living in a house which doesn't feel like home. I just hate the thought that someone was here before me.

If there is anyway you can persuade him to move I would definitely, definitely do it, and not wait 12 months.

As you say, it is hard enough for you to get used to being a step-parent without feeling unsettled. Do your step-children live with you? Do you think your DP is trying to give them more stability by keeping their surroundings familiar?

Littlefish - no his daughter (she's 12) doesn't live with us but visits regularly so I'm only a part-time stepmum but I'm finding it very hard

I don't think his reasons are anything to do with his daughter, he says he's spent so much money on the house he doesn't want someone else to benefit from it. I just don't think he understands why I've got a problem with living there - I really think he thinks I should just live there with no problem and not think about the history of the house

One thing I've noticed about this thread, normally on here there's at least one person who says something different to everyone else or at least tries to put a different point of view forward but that hasn't happened - I think that says it all really!

NAAM - of course he doesn't understand why you've got a problem with living there... it's his house, and his investment that he doesn't want to waste!!! Sorry, that wasn't meant to sound harsh. I just think that a lot of men (my dh included), don't have the same emotional attatchment to the place where they live. They see it as an investment and can discuss it in practical terms.

If I'm honest, there is part of me that thinks "if you really love me, you'll agree to move because you know how important it is to me". I really struggle with that one, because I know that it's nothing to do with how much he loves me, but it just feels that way.

LF yes I feel the same. I don't think he actually sees it as an investment - he can't really because the house is worth about £120k, we've just remortgaged for £70k, I've spent about £5k on it since I moved in 9 months ago (doing things which needed doing, not just because I wanted to change it) and I gave him £40k towards his divorce settlement so looking at it from a purely financial point of view he has contributed very little towards it. I think that probably doesn't help my case - I've given so much to him and he won't do this for me!

I know just what you mean when you say you have done so much for him... It's really hard isn't it.

Even though DH's xp only lived here for about a year, I still have a picture in my mind of them choosing the house together, living here together, planning their future together etc. The fact that we are now married and have a child of our own still can't wipe out that picture. I probably sound really foolish, but it's just the way I feel! I should take some of my own advice and raise the issue again .

hi, I live in the house my hubby shared with his ex-feeling smug-cos she left expecting to be brought back, and now the place is mine-but hating it because im constantly thinking about what happened here! It drives me mental!! Even though I know they were unhappy and i know what we have is completey differnt. I just gotta remember that we arnet planning to grow old together here-one day we will have a home that we picked together!!