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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS's mother mysteriously injured

40 replies

Tanga · 01/06/2010 20:44

I don't know why I'm posting this as I can't do anything but I feel very anxious and just want to get other people's vibes/reactions in order to gauge what a balanced reaction to this might be.

DSS came off the phone to his mummy on sat morning visibly distressed saying that mummy had hurt herself, she didn't know how she'd done it but she'd had a 'big nosebleed' in bed. I explained what a nosebleed was, how scary they could be but ultimately not serious and we reassured him that mummy was OK. He seemed fine but did mention it a couple of times over the w/end so it was on his mind.

When DH took him back to his mother's, he said DSS's mother looked just like she'd been punched - blackening eyes, steri-strips across the top of her nose.

At football tonight DSS said that mummy had 'fallen off the sofa' and that there was blood on the walls and the lightswitch in the living room.

So, we're worrying that she might have a violent new b/f; the kids have been staying over at her mother's a lot more often.

Are we just over-reacting and being silly? DSS's mum does have mental health issues but never self-harming. Tell me it was just an accident and DSS got things a bit muddled. (although he is a very intelligent and level-headed 8 year old) Aargh!

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 01/06/2010 20:54

So many questions ...

Why did she tell her son on the phone? There was no need for her to tell him at all!

Why was the blood not cleaned up before he got home?

It sounds bizarre

Original poster

Tanga · 01/06/2010 21:05

I know - maybe she wanted him not to have a shock when he saw the state of her face? (Although could have told him on Sunday) maybe she wanted him to tell us he wanted to come home (has done that kind of thing before, particularly on 'long' weekends)

She has a lot of 'issues' with cleaning and things that are/were part of the body eg keeps kids hair when they have haircuts etc.

Could you break your nose by falling off a sofa onto a carpetted floor?

Bizarre ia a fairly frequent visitor, i think.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 01/06/2010 21:07

very bizarre indeed, I really hope it isn't a violent new partner.

Original poster

Tanga · 02/06/2010 22:26

So do we - I had hoped people were going to tell me how silly I was being and regale me with tales of similar sofa accidents...

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 03/06/2010 12:44

No - I cant do that and there are BIG warning signs here - she shouldnt have told dss at all for a start. Mmmm - what do you want to do Tanga, does your dp have a good enough relationship with her to approach it gently. Maybe just offer some additional support for now - say something like "you know we are always here for the kids - its tough being a lone parent so please dont hesitate to ask for support should you need it". At least then you are giving the kids an out if there is a bully on the scene.

Original poster

Tanga · 03/06/2010 17:40

Unfortunately, definitely not. We had to go through a 5 year court battle to get the level of contact we have now, and whilst DH and his ex manage to communicate on a basic level about DSS's needs, anything further will really upset the applecart.

I don't understand some of it either - if she was going to lie, why not sort out the same story from the beginning?

The only thing I can think of is if DH could approach her mother, who gives her a lot of support with the mental health issues, looks after the two boys loads. Just a very general enquiry - but then is it just going to look like DH is being nosey?

We have talked through how you ring the operator and ask for a reverse charges call with DSS when there were really big problems last time, but it seems a bit inadequate, really.

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 03/06/2010 17:51

Oh god, your poor DSS, how worrying for him. Nothing to offer but sympathy I'm afraid, but I hope you find a way to deal with this.

happycopter · 03/06/2010 17:54

I think approaching the grandmother is a good idea. Does your DH have a good relationship with her?

Far from being nosy, I think the grandmother would probably appreciate the concern. I understand that your and DH's concern is primarily for his son, of course.

Original poster

Tanga · 04/06/2010 14:50

Urgh - DSS came for contact today with a sprained wrist. Hope it is a coincidence. DH's ex explained very fully how it happened, and then apparently DSS repeated it word for word in the car.

DH is going to have a quiet word with the grandmother when he next sees her. He doesn't have a great relationship with her, as she (obviously) supports her daughter, but she has tried in the past to step in when things have been difficult.

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 14:57

OK, you know, this does not sound at all good. (obv you know that)

"when he next sees her" -- when is that?

Flighttattendant · 04/06/2010 14:58

Forgive me but I am wondering whether social services may be an alternative avenue.

It sounds as though there are some serious issues - poor lad.

JaxTellersOldLady · 04/06/2010 15:02

OP I think I would actively go to see grandmother and speak to her about these incidents. I would also be letting my solicitor know that 'out of the ordinary' things were going on regarding DSS.

Is your partner after custody or is he happy to let DSS live with the mother? She sounds a tad unhinged.

homebirthmummy4 · 04/06/2010 15:06

perhaps one of his friends mums has noticed something 'different' about her at the school gate, would it be possible to have his friend over to play and see if you can find a way to bring it up with his friends parent? obviously without starting a rumour or anything...

thumbwitch · 04/06/2010 15:12

I think your DH should use the "we are a bit concerned about DSS" angle with his ex MIL - it sounds quite worrying, tbh. Also, elfnsafety re blood on the walls/lightswitch - not good for it to be left there, never mind the Hammer House of Horror aspect!

Sorry, no "reassurance" here - it sounds as bad as you fear it might be.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 15:15

Agreed she sounds like someone who is, at the very least, highly stressful to live with and quite manipulative (what with the trying to get DS to come home stuff you mentioned earlier). I really feel for him, poor kid.

Not easy for you or your DH either, OP, but do persevere in trying to get to the bottom of this. If the grandmother tends to take her daughter's side, do you feel confident that she would always do the best thing for your DSS? Can't help thinking Flight may be right in suggesting a call to ss or similar. I know little about ss though and I'm aware people often get flamed for the mere suggestion of involving them.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 15:19

Is it worth speaking to his school in case they have noticed anything? Again I am kind of flailing w this idea as don't have school age dcs myself yet.

Original poster

Tanga · 04/06/2010 21:57

We don't have a solicitor - we ran out of money for one and DH went LIP.

School is a possible avenue; although in previous years his teachers have been fantastic, keeping us in the loop and informed, his teacher this year seems to have taken great exception to the idea that DH likes to be informed and involved so that's all stalled a bit.

Seeing the GM is tricky as it depends when she's there babysitting at handovers. In all honesty, we don't trust her to do the best thing by DSS, but she does try sometimes to stop the worst of it. As a family there's a lot of dysfunction - things just aren't 'talked about' and there was abuse in ex's childhood.

DH did ask, years ago, for SS involvement after ex hit DSS (he was then a baby) although she was aiming for DH. They decided there wasn't an issue. Cafcass said they would be concerned if ex was isolated, but they felt with the support of her family she could manage 'good enough' parenting. We found out later that the CO hadn't done any home visits as that might upset ex. DH did initially apply for residence but was told it was a non-starter.

And, to be fair, I don't doubt she loves her children. And there has been a long period of calm since the last lot of difficulties. But she does have significant mental health issues that her family like to play down.

I don't know - DSS hasn't mentioned a new 'friend' (he did last time) so amybe it's all just coincidence and worry.

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 22:27

Oh god, I don't know what else to suggest but it all sounds like a recipe for misery for the kids

And eight is so young to be coping with such strain - how old is the other child?

You need more help/backup/proper advice. Please keep seeking it - if nothing else, it will help your DSS to know that someone is pushing for what is best for him. It does not sound like your DH talking to the grandmother will suffice though - more is needed.

Am hoping others will see thread and offer more constructive help.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 22:33

What about asking to speak to the head and the teacher together, to emphasize the reasons why you need their help to watch out for problems? Or is that not how things work? (I'm conscious of not really knowing what teachers can or cannot do as regards getting involved with issues at home)

wukter · 04/06/2010 22:34

It seems odd that the 8 yo repeated the story "word for word". I am sure your DP and DSS have a close relationship but maybe he feels loyalty to his mum. Could your DP chat about appropriate secrets etc, so he knows telling his dad wouldn't be a betrayal of mum. (Though in this case it seems like it would be to an extent).
It's a horrible situation, Tanga.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 22:42

If it is years since your dh last approached ss, surely worth another try? Circumstances change, and if you think a child is in a bad situation presumably they need to take that on board and at least look into it, right?

What support does the ex get for her mental health problems - would her gp, presumably also your dss's gp, be any help? -

Original poster

Tanga · 04/06/2010 22:46

DSS later started to embellish the story, saying he had fallen over 3 times (not once) and that he had 'spun in the air' before falling. He said it happened at his brother's birthday 'camp out' but his brother's birthday was earlier in the week and DSS had said previously that they were having the campout on the birthday. He also said the blood (from his mother's injury) had been cleaned up now.

His brother is in his teens.

It is a horrible situation but I just don't know what else we can do.

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 04/06/2010 22:47

I'm sure wukter is right about the loyalty thing and that in itself means tremendous strain on the child if he feels he has to cover for her

I'm sorry, I'm posting too much but your story is getting under my skin as I know it is hard to be a dc with an unstable parent (very different and less extreme circs, but still)

wukter · 04/06/2010 22:50

Do you have a relationship with the teenage brother? I know it's dependant on loads of factors but he might be able to shed some light?

tethersend · 04/06/2010 22:50

I am a teacher- if your DSS went to school and told anybody what he has told you, SS would be called, no question.

I think this is what you need to do- they will assess the risk, you don't have to do it for them.

This is not about a vendetta against DSS's mother, it is about his -emotional as well as physical- well being and safety.

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