DSS's mother mysteriously injured

[Tanga]

I don't know why I'm posting this as I can't do anything but I feel very anxious and just want to get other people's vibes/reactions in order to gauge what a balanced reaction to this might be.

DSS came off the phone to his mummy on sat morning visibly distressed saying that mummy had hurt herself, she didn't know how she'd done it but she'd had a 'big nosebleed' in bed. I explained what a nosebleed was, how scary they could be but ultimately not serious and we reassured him that mummy was OK. He seemed fine but did mention it a couple of times over the w/end so it was on his mind.

When DH took him back to his mother's, he said DSS's mother looked just like she'd been punched - blackening eyes, steri-strips across the top of her nose.

At football tonight DSS said that mummy had 'fallen off the sofa' and that there was blood on the walls and the lightswitch in the living room.

So, we're worrying that she might have a violent new b/f; the kids have been staying over at her mother's a lot more often.

Are we just over-reacting and being silly? DSS's mum does have mental health issues but never self-harming. Tell me it was just an accident and DSS got things a bit muddled. (although he is a very intelligent and level-headed 8 year old) Aargh!

Sorry DP, didn't see your post at 22.42 - Ex was going to a 'group' at one point but not sure if she still does. She has made some approaches to GP/mental health nurse etc but TBH these have always coincided with court appearances when she has needed to say she is getting treatment or on waiting lists. She has said many times she is going to get help or has made advances, but it is never followed through.

The last boyfriend she had was married and there were a number of violent scenes when his wife found out - DSS was very scared (talked about screaming in the night and things being dumped in the front garden and attempted break-ins etc - he told us this as XXX does 'silly things')

She's never hit him (as far as we know) since the incident when he was a baby but has used violence when she's upset - eg punched the side of the bath that he was standing next to when we took him to have his hair cut (didn't know about the keeping hair thing at that point) but Cafcass Officer made it clear that we were at fault and making trouble.

But thank you for respondinmg and sorry if causing you upset.

No no, god, don't worry; but what will you try next? Tethersend speaks sense, surely.

If you don't find his teacher particularly approchable you could take it up with the head? I would say talk to the school as they will see him 5 days per week term time.

DH says he will phone the head next week, although not sure exactly what to say. He doesn't feel we can call SS with so little to go on - and the fallout would be massive if we did. He'll be seeing DSS again this week and hopefully that will give him the opportunity to talk to granma.

I hope there is nothing sinister going on and that your dh gets to the bottom of it

No further forward - DSS's teacher is off sick and now we are being told his arm is broken, not sprained. DH sees him tomorrow.

Sounds like the best thing a woman owns, her instinct, is telling you exactly what you need to do.

Someone is getting hurt in that home. Ring the social services and ask what the best plan of action and how to take that forward. It is always better to be safe than sorry. The worst thing that can happen is that you might be wrong. Right?

Well - I understand what you are saying, but it isn't that simple. We have no evidence whatsoever that anyone is being harmed.

And the worst thing that can happen - well, DH's ex could stop contact. Altogether. She could move 100's of miles away. She could simply decide not to 'allow' DSS to come for contact. She has done it before. Then we would have to go back to court and it took us 5 years to get the level of contact we have now. We ran out of money after 2 years and had to go it alone, whilst she had a solicitor and a barrister on legal aid.

If we are wrong - or, more likely, if we simply cannot prove that she is in a violent relationship - then she could accuse us of harassing her and bullying her and causing her so much emotional trauma that she can't cope with contact.

Now, you may argue (and I have seen it said on here) that wanting to see his child is about DH's needs and that he should recognise the upset he is causing to the primary carer of his child and content himself with indirect contact...only that would leave a very vulnerable child with no support whatsoever.

As the 'absent' parent you have to tread very carefully indeed.

Could you raise concerns anonymously to social services? Surely it's up to them to decide if there is evidence or not, not you.

missus social services wont allow that at all. You have to say who you are and why you are concerned and they quite frequently drop whoever tells them in it.

if you have concerns about his safety (and I can see why) raise it with his school.

Tanga how's it going

All gone very quiet. DH managed to speak to DSS's teacher but said he felt she was pretty dismissive. We had DSS at the weekend and were supposed to be going to a football tournament - although he can't play with the broken arm, if he went he would still get a trophy, but he said he didn't feel up to it. Said a couple of times that he felt sick. (Lots of bugs going round, though)

On the upside, he is looking cleaner when he arrives than he has for YEARS (although this is a sign that he is spending lots of time with granny.)

Ex hasn't been around at handovers and has agreed by letter to our suggestions for holiday contact - a good thing but weird as the previous years have always been a total 3 ring circus.

DSS is now saying that she must have fallen 'on the fireplace' in order to break her nose.

What a nightmare! It sounds like granny has stepped in to take over/protect him?