Hi Sam, have come late to this message because I am currently "enjoying" 2 weeks of my skid's company and this is the 1st opportunity I've had to sit down and contribute ! (DP has taken them out for 4 hours - peace & quiet at last thank God).
I really do sympathise with you - as ever - I think there are many of us step-mums who often feel caught in what feels like an impossible position. As adults, we know that the children's needs should come 1st, but as feeling human beings, we would also like to have the security of knowing, in our partner's eyes, that just very occasionally, we come into the family equation too - and not in position 99 or whatever. Don't know about you, but I have sometimes felt that the "children coming 1st" argument is used a little too readily - and unnecessarily - just so that peace is kept ... either with the children themselves (who aren't averse to making threats about not coming any more when they get told off etc.) or with BM, who siezes any opportunity, however minor, to have a go and/or cause ructions. It's times like those, when you feel that the "children being put 1st" is unnecessary, or giving in to emotional blackmail, that you can feel at the bottom of the pile .... even more so, if you object, and are then made to feel like a miserable old witch because you're being "horrid" to the children or "selfish".
I am reasonably lucky in that DP & me generally have the same expectations re: standards of behaviour, and most of the time, he will reprimand at the same time I would have done. However, it's very frustrating when little or no notice is taken of such tellings off, due to the fact that the skids seem to live by a completely different set of rules at home. DP has emphasised, in reply to protests, that these are the rules in this house, and that's that .... but logically, if children have one set of standards 90% of the time, they're not going to be swayed that easily. There have also been a number of occasions where DP has held back on punishing them, because he is very scared that this will be used as a reason for them to stop visiting. (BM interrogates them on return, and we usually get very one-sided "feedback" about the most minor of incidents). Personally, I get very very cross at this, because to my mind, it gives out a message to the kids that it's okay to behave badly as nothing will ever really come of it ... just because they threaten not to come, you can't let them off the hook, or else they will see how much further they can push it. This fear may well be one reason why your DP also holds back and why he insists they're "not that bad" - in order to absolve himself from telling them off ??
I also know that when "our" BM is going through a period of behaving particularly badly (i.e. even worse than usual), DP gets very jittery about discipling the skids - for the reasons I've already stated. BM happily winds them up, pointing out how awful Daddy was to tell them off - irrespective of the surrounding circumstances, so much so that when there has been a "telling off" - even a minor one, BM triumphantly announces that one or other skid won't be coming next time as they "don't like being told off" !
This all effectively boils down to emotional blackmail of course - and to my mind, even with the "risks" involved, you can't ignore bad behaviour. Apart from the well-being of everyone in the household, failing to tell the kids off does them no favours at all. Sam, you say you've tried to talk about this lots of times ..... do you talk, or does it always end up as a row ? Think what you need to do, if you haven't already, is sit down with DP and for a start, both of you agree what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from the skids - what you both expect from them, what you both find acceptable / unacceptable. On minor issues that you disagree on, you may find you (both) have to compromise, but basically, what you're aiming at is a list of house "rules". This may sound draconian, but it's imperative that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet. You also need to agree what you think is appropriate punishment for any given misdemeanour - earlier bedtimes, confiscation of favourite toy, time-out for xx mins and so on. If you can sort this out upfront - when and if something happens, at least you won't be seething with resentment at what you feel is DP's disinterest.
Of course - this exercise may also throw up differences of opinion re: child-rearing that are too wide to bridge. If that's the case, you really do need to start thinking of yourself and ask if this is the right man with whom to aspire to have children anyway - hard as that will be.
When I first met DP, he too was reluctant to consider another child .... and guess what, he came out with many of the reasons yours has. Top of the list of course, was the "effect upon the children". I always had my suspicions, but I thought it was more like he was worried about BM's reaction, than the kids. as time went on in our relationship, and BM showed her true colours more and more, DP began to come round to the idea. We'd decided we'd like to try for a child but didn't know exactly when (I was 37+ at this time) .... however, I got pregnant accidentally (we'd been using the rythmn method, and I concieved literally a couple of days after my period had ended, so watch out) .... and our daughter was born when I was 38. The skids appeared to be delighted - and still are. BM has been a bitch about it - my pregnancy was unbelievably stressful thanks to that ..... and my MIL told me that previously, BM had apparently told DP he'd be "sorry" if he ever had children with anyone else when they split up (even though she was planning more kids herself with her married lover!). I think that probably had something to do with DP's initial reluctance - he even talks now of a brother or sister for DD !
Sorry - this is turning into rather a long reply ...... and sorry it's a bit disjointed. Re: the CSA, is your DP under the "old" system ? I know that with "new" cases (see CSA website for definition) the income of the absent parent's new partner is not counted - mind you, neither is any allowance made whatsoever for the mortgage payments of the absent parent, so it could well be swings and roundabouts.
Sam ... I know it's gonna sound harsh, but you have to try and be honest with yourself. If DP & skids aren't going to change, or at least if DP isn't going to be more considerate/supportive of your place within his family, you might have to cut loose. At 35 you are not too young to have children, and there is still time to meet someone else. I know that's easy to say, and you might not meet someone, but I'd rather be on my own and childless, than with someone (and horrible skids) and childless .... I can imagine that you might otherwise end up very bitter and resentful.
As a post-script, and a bit of a whinge .... like I said my skids are here for 2 weeks. I've been dreading it, even though DP sounds much better at discipline than yours, and all the reasons I've been dreading it have come to fruition ...... bickering, non-stop noise, whinging about any walk of more than 100 yards, whinging about everything I cook from at least one (even though I give them stuff they've eaten loads before), constant strops, stomping up the stairs, few pleases & thankyous - especially to me, a bathroom like a wet bombsite that muggins here clears up (including the loo), fault finding with each day's activities etc. Like I said, DP does tell them off, but it feels like I'm living in the middle of a constant argument .... why is so much telling off required in the 1st place ?! We can't afford to go away this year, so I'm spending most of the day in the bloody kitchen - and whilst DP gets 2 weeks off work, and to see his kids, I don't get any "time-off" at all & in fact have to work harder than usual. We've gone out every day - to do stuff geared for the skids (in particular) .... so it can't be boredom. I must admit I'm feeling very resentful this week, as there hasn't been any acknowledgement of the extra work I'm doing - it's kinda expected .... yet in contrast, when we went away last year, DP's time off work afforded him exactly the same benefits as he's enjoying now .... however, I could also relax a bit, as we were eating out all the time, and it wasn't my furniture the kids were jumping on (though they still got told off about it of course). Oh - and don't suggest DP should cook, for one he can't (as opposed to won't) and for two, I'd then have to look after the skids, who take no notice of me if I tell them off, and, of course, I am still walking on eggshells after the recent ruptions there's been (if you remember my previous posts).
I am counting down the days ......
Sam, sorry again for going off on one about my own troubles then. I know you might think, what does she know, she's got a baby, but though it sounds awful, I can honestly say that if I'd have known then what I know now about how appallingly spiteful and intrusive BM would be about so much of our life (and influencing skids, telling them lies, encouraging them to lie etc.), I would have walked away from DP before I got pregnant. I have told him this, so am not being out of turn. What I haven't told him, and I know this sounds dreadful, is that sometimes I think if I won the lottery, I'd still walk - even though I love him - it's so very very hard to live a life when his past keeps intruding so malevolently (I don't mean the skids, 'cos if BM were normal & fair, the skids probably wouldn't be problematic either). Please think very hard about whether you can stay in a relationship like this .... I just fear you will end up hating your DP for denying you what you want. Maybe it's ultimatum time .... would you really be more miserable without him ? Take care ....