When Do You Become a StepMum?

[macadoodledoo]

I initially struggled with the label of StepParent, but am right on board with it now & the DSC (6 & 4) seem entirely fine with it too - call me my name but use the descriptor StepMum too.

However DP's ex has a different perspective - saying, to them, that I'm not their StepMum and only would be if DP and I marry - I don't agree but I'm interested in what you think.

I became Step Mum to mine when I moved in with their Dad. We married 4 years later. I am called by my Christian name by them and wouldn't expect (or want) them to call me Mum. If you live with their Dad I would class yourself as StepMum. x

When you live with the other parent. I don't get the "you're only a step parent when you're married". Some bio parents aren't married. You don't need to marry to make a commitment to each other. Some people never marry. When you move in, you normally start taking some responsibility for the children, whether it be picking up their mess, cooking for them or sometimes actually caring for them alone.

My DSD's mum for years told my DSD's that I was nothing to them as I wasn't married to their Dad. This was even after they moved in with us! She also still tried to say that even when I did marry him!

I've described myself as a Stepmum ever since they started to become a huge part of my life with DH.

I will probably get flamed for this but I will give you a bio mum's perspective on this. I struggle with the idea that my kids have or even need a stepmum. They spend one night a fortnight with my ex and his partner, they live 2 hours away. She has no role in the decisions that affect them such as schooling etc and knows little about their day to day lives. They have a perfectly good mother in me who looks after them 99% of the time, provides for them and loves them dearly. They call my exes partner by her first name. I dont dislike her at all, she is a perfectly nice person and I encourage the kids to get on well with her and her children. But I cant think how she will ever become any type of 'mum' to them as she just doesnt fulfill that role. I suppose that the nub, parenting is about the role you fulfill in the childrens lives

I am a StepMum and I won't flame you elastamum. I think everybodies case is different and both StepMums and Mums can learn alot. I have my stepchildren live with me, they visit their Mum, and myself and DH are the ones who make all the parenting decisions ie schools etc, so our set up is competely different to yours. Sometime though bio Mums can be really cruel to a stepmum who has very good intentions towards their step children and if pnly the adults could sort themselves out and agree to get on as best as possible, then it would be so much better for EVERYONE, a step Mum can be a huge asset to a childs life even if their Mum is and always will be their bio Mum.

I used the name stepparent after we got married, although I did more parenting stuff before we got married when the kids were younger.
I think marrying in this sort of situation does cement the bond and stop you being her ex's "girlfriend".
My kids never referred to my ex's long term girlfriend as their stepmother, but probably would if they married.
I do agree with elastamum though that I don't think of myself as my stepkid's parent in any way, more a sort of auntie. All discussions about them are between my husband and his ex, they are the ones with pr. I think 2 parents are enough for most kids, they don't need extra adults trying to put their tuppenceworth in, although the parent the kids live with is often keen to include their spouse/ partner and belittle the role of the nonresident parents spouse in my experience.

I think this is an issue where everyone has a different opinion based on their experiences.

I am a step-mum - my DSC have been in my life since they were 3 and 5 years old, and they are a massive part of my life. My DP and I share custody 50/50 with their mum.

I think the moment I became a step-mum was when DSS broke his arm falling off his bike, when his mum, his dad and me were sat in the hospital. We all had a moment of realisation at this point that any squabbling over titles / roles was irrelevant as he meant the world to all of us.

His mum does not refer to me as 'step-mum' but as "dad's girlfriend" (to school, friends' parents etc) - but both DSC's refer to me as step mum.

At least I am now 'dad's girlfriend' and not 'dad's new girlfriend'..which I was for a long time!

I refer to myself as a step-mum because after all these years it is not enough - not a big enough word to describe it - as my partner has 2 kids who I live with and care for 3/4 nights a week.

Sometimes you need a word like co-parent or step-parent to help other people understand that it's more than dating someone with kids (i.e. totally separate from your life).

However I do completely understand why the mother would not feel the need to broadcast the fact that her DC have a second 'mother' figure in their lives.

When DSS moves in with me and DP... well, that's a whole different ball game... "full time step mum" seems like the best option there - full time to one, part time to another... minefield!!

I think people (expecially exes) need to bear in mind that another woman loving and caring for and raising your DC's is not a bad thing, and who wouldn't rather (if they had to have one) that it's one who does love them rather than barely tolerates them?

Just my opinion...x

Interesting point Milly, but my kids dont need another woman, caring for them and raising them as they live full time with me. Since my ex moved in with his GF they see about 1/2 as much of him as they used to, as they have lots of holidays without any of their children and he has a lot less time for his kids. She is nice enough but will never be a mum as she simply isnt there much. Interestingly, I am much kinder to her than she is to me. They are both welcome in my house when they pick up the kids, but I am very much not welcome at hers and have had to leave them on the doorstep after a 2 hour trip to drop the kids off without even being allowed to use the loo

Well to me step parent is more of a "legal" term. Once you are married to someone with a child you are a step parent. Once you get divorced you are no longer a step parent. A "biological" parent is always a parent regardless of marital status.

I understand that you maybe "parenting" a child, but I don't think on that basis you become a step parent or parent - I don't have a term for it, or at least can't think of one.

I kind of agree with Elastamum on this.

When I first was with (now) DH, I wanted to be a stepmum. I wanted to show that I was committed to working towards a positive relationship between DH and the kids (and, because of Dh's job and did (and do) a lot of the admin / routine 'parent' stuff - I ensure bills are paid / I pick up / drop off / I sort of holidays / I talk to other parents re. sleep overs etc).

But, actually, since we married (and I had kids of my own) I've dropped the whole 'stepmum' thing. I'm just Harimo. It doesn't mean I don't love them any less. It doesn't mean they don't love me. It just means we don't need to label it. And, you know, that works better for us

Wildfish - I'm quite happy with 'their dad's wife' by way of a 'name' / explanation to others.

I think HM is very sensible. The relationship you form with your partners kids is far more important than having a 'title' As for step parent being a 'legal' term, as far as I am aware unless you have parental responsibility, you dont have any legal position at all with regards to children who have a mother and are not your own, just because you are married to their father.

'legal' wrong choice -- didn't mean legal law

I meant its more of a technical term, like say brother in law, something formed by a legal relationship

but I do agree HM way is good way

It's an almost impossible situation for a 'new' step mum though. (especially one who doesn't have children)...

Get too involved and you are trying to replace bio mum (OK, I hate that phrase, but just for a definition). Don't get involved and you are trying to erase the kids.

I've been with DH for over 10 years and I think it's only been in the last 2 years that we have REALLY properly worked out how this is going to work. I'm not saying we didn't get on before that, but the last 2 years have been a doddle.

I think it's tricky, as I said before. It depends on what you use the term 'step-mum' for.

For me, it's a descriptor. Mainly for the kids to be able to tell people who I am without needing to go into detail.

It's also a way for me to describe myself, when meeting new people, so that I don't have to say longhanded 'my partner has 2 children who live with us and who I co-parent 3 or 4 nights a week'. Saying they are my stepkids or I am their step-mum is so much quicker.

I would never expect the kids mum to call me anything other than my name, or to describe me as anything other than 'dad's girlfriend'. When we marry, I'll be 'dad's wife'.

As a step mum, you're not their mum clealy, but often you're not just a friend, or just dad's girlfriend.

I think whatever works for you (and the kids) is best, but I wish people wouldn't suggest that you can't be (or aren't) a stepmum because the kids don't live with you, or because you're not married.

There's no other word and all the negative connotations just put pressure on people at an already difficult time of merging families.

Sorry Milly but I think 'merging' is a bit of a rose coloured aspiration for parents who have decided to live together. My kids certainly dont see their life that way! They go to their Dad once a fortnight but you could hardly describe them and his Gf's kids together as a 'merged' family. Mine go to different schools 100's of miles away. They dont share any interests, are much older and find the whole thing slightly irritating as the others are much younger and they cant see their friends. They love their dad but that is the extent of their merged family ties. There was a very interesting documentary on BBC 2 where the parents talked about 'blended families' and the response from the teenage children was that although the adults liked to use the term the kids didnt see themselves as 'blended' at all. They just all got on as best they could as it was what their parents asked of them, but they had a perfectly happy life elsewhere with their mum. This probably doesnt help you but just be aware the kids may not see everything the way you do

Again, I agree with Elastamum.

Like blending oil and water, they will continue to separate and it takes a lot of work to make them 'blend' but they are never really truly blended.

And it takes the addition of other ingredients to make it work.

i think my DSDs enjoy coming to our house - we have moved heaven and earth to ensure that THEIR lives are not disrupted (they do not miss ANY activities when they are with us etc)and I think they love their dad.

They have bedrooms here and are welcome here at any time. But, I think it would be foolish to think that they consider it home - in the way MY children consider it home.

I've been stepmum pretty much since DH and I got together, as we made it clear that we'd get married (which we did after about 6yrs). I too disagree with your DP's exW, the idea that you're only a stepmum when you're married is a bit silly. DH and I had DD before we got married but we're still her parents!

Possibly now they are more likely to describe me as stepmum than they were before, but it really doesn't make much difference. To us it's just a word, they call me by my name but they're very good at referring to me as mummy in front of my DCs. (in the same way DH and I call each other mummy and daddy)

One of my DSDs asked if she should/could call me mum a few times but I said, as much as I was flattered, she shouldn't because I'd never want to upset their mum, who they live with.

I didnt get involved with DSDs access arrangements etc until i was married to DH. For a year i felt, even though i was living with DSD dad, i wasnt her step mum. I helped look after DSD and spent time with her at home and bonded with her but i had nothing to do with her bio mum etc.
Once me and DH got married i took on a more involved role. We have always had DSD every weekend and half the holidays for the last 7 years, it was easier for me to take over sorting weekends etc as DH works most weekends and i am the main carer.
For the first 2 years there was alot of bad feeling from bio mum which i fully understood but after 7 years we have now worked through this. She knows i would do anything for DSD and treat her as one my own and DSD calles me by my name but when asked about my relation to her she says i am her special mummy!
Only last week DSD mum rang me and asked me to have a chat with DSD about school as there had been some issues and DSD would not speak to mum and mum knew she would speak to me. I regularly get texts in the week from dsd mum asking about DSD because i know her just as well as her mum!
I know that if DH and i split then DSD will still be my little girl and i will fight to stay in contact.
in answer to the main OP, my role of stepmum started the day i married her dad BUT i had a relationship with her before that too!

Mind you, seeing my 12YO DSD2 and her friends playing with my 21MO DS (and watching said DS only want to play with 'the big girls' and not his 8MO little sister... I'm feeling pretty blended right now

You know, I think (possibly with most things involving teenagers) the less you FORCE them into a situation and the more you allow them to work it out for themselves, the better.

HM makes a good point. The key issue to be aware of is you cant force a family together however much you want it, particularly if the children are older. You can just make them feel welcome and hope they will want to stay with you. I am happy for my kids to go to ex and his partner, but at the end of the day, as much as they have fun at dads, they talk abut 'home' as being here with me. We have openly discusssed how they feel and they are much more secure here as they are with me and surrounded by a whole family culture which they have grown up with. Their home with ex and gf now has an entirely different culture with different rules and expectatons, which have come from his new partner, (and no dogs loafing around, no quadbikes or other dangerous sports and no mess!) I suppose I ought to go and tidy up to set a better example

Oh and BTW, thanks to all the stepmums here helping me to understand your perspective. As a (hopefully) not barking mad bio mum it is interesting for me to understand how hard the other side can be

I see it the way milly described. It bothers me not one jot that dss has never to my knowledge used the term, but he does respect me as somebody who loves him and wants what's best for him {and occasionally bollocks him when appropriate ). To me he is my stepson, but he can use whatever terminology he wants- it's our relationship that's important. I do feel touched that my eldest daughter talks about him to people as her brother (sometimes step-brother).

I think your situation and mine are similar, elastamum... My DSDs do have fun here. Holidays / weekends / sleepovers / parties. We do the fun stuff.

I have no doubt that 'home' is with thier mum.

This is a really interesting question.

My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. We met as neighbours (and still live right next door to each other) and have never considered marriage (mainly we don't feel the 'need' for it) and are together for the long haul. I 'feel' like a step-mum as we see the kids every second weekend, do stuff together and I love them/worry about them and wonder what will be in their future (they are coming up to 17 and just turned 14 respectively) but the term Step-Mum is just not 'there' to say...

The most important thing for me is feeling a sense of belonging and feeling included in my partner's decisions around the kids - I don't always agree with the decisions but being considered and being Dad's girlfriend is more than enough for me.