When Do You Become a StepMum?

[macadoodledoo]

I initially struggled with the label of StepParent, but am right on board with it now & the DSC (6 & 4) seem entirely fine with it too - call me my name but use the descriptor StepMum too.

However DP's ex has a different perspective - saying, to them, that I'm not their StepMum and only would be if DP and I marry - I don't agree but I'm interested in what you think.

Personally I think elastamum has a rod up her backside, but hey ho

Some people are more bothered by titles than others - and some use them as a weapon.
My partner had a baby just before we got together and we have raised that baby together. As far as child is aware, she has 2 mums and a dad and it's always been that way. (It's very amicable.)
Daughter calls me by a variation on my real name which she started off with when she was learning to talk.
But at school, she refers to me as her stepmum - her logic being that you have 1 mum and 1 dad, and you can have a stepmum who is only one step away from being your mum but who loves and cares for you in the same way. Plus the other kids understand it without question.
I've always been of the opinion that she can actually call me or describe me however she likes, it doesn't alter the relationship we have.

@Gay40 - "Plus the other kids understand it without question."

This is the crux of what I was trying to say. We use the term step mum because it's instantly understandable.

Why I got grief for saying titles don't matter anyway at a difficult time of merging families is beyond me. I think some "bio" mums have some real problems with step mums and it's really shitty to bring those problems to mn and take out your issues on people you don't know. I was simply passing on MY experience to the OP, who asked for it.

Having re-read all the posts, I think half the issue is that a lot of the people on this thread are bio mums whose kids only see their dad's family every 2 weeks or something, whereas we have a 50/50 split, so we parent the kids as much as their mum does. We do more things with them than she does, swimming lessons, riding lessons, trips away etc, and are more likely to be at school events like plays etc. So my experience of being a step mum is a bit more hands on than some people's.

Also, I do acknowledge that I am a bit defensive about my "right" to call myself their step mum. I've encountered a lot of opposition to it (based on the not married, don't need another mum type arguments) and have felt belittled and pushed out a lot by some people (most of whom are not involved).

As with all these things, it's hard for people to see the other side. Sorry for my last post. Bad weekend.

There isn't any actual difference in the parenting that me and my partner do. Any important discussions are had with child's father (which school to go to), any minor decisions (it's about time she went to the dentist/had a haircut/had a new school coat) are done by any one of us.
All of our family and friends say that our child has 3 parents.
However, I know lots of situations where titles of folk cause absolute mayhem. We are the exception rather than the rule, I reckon.

Here's my reason why only married.

X & Y have a kid. They are mum and dad. They split, they are still mum and dad.
They never talk, they are still mum and dad.

X & step parent Y are together. When they split you don't remain a step parent. Kids don't have numerous step dads/mums just because kid had parent+partner together for x months a period of time ago.

Hence why step parent to me is a title given when married to the other parent. And lost once gone. It doesn't reflect on actual parenting or non parenting done.

See, I think this is bollocks as well (no offence). My mother and stepfather split 20 years ago (never married), but his daughter is just as close to her stepmum (my mum) as she ever was. And still calls her her stepmum even though her father has remarried.
BBesides, linking step-parenting with marriage excludes all those folk who can't actually get married.

My dd1 still sees my ex (not her dad, we weren't married either, but together for seven years since she was a toddler) every week, often stays over with her little sister who is his natural daughter. I don't call him her step-dad, but I imagine he does. I could have told him to piss off and that he wasn't entitled to see her any more, but I respect their relatioinship and the fact that it's still a part of her life.

Thanks so much to everyone for sharing their comments & experiences - it's been so interesting to read them all.

My own situation is that I'm pretty well involved in the lives of DSC for the 25% of their lives that they're with us. I'm part of (sometimes/often solo) the school/nursery run, activities, family life etc etc. I regard their primary 'home' as with their mum, but see myself as a sort of mix between parental figure, friend, auntie or loving carer. It's hard to define huh!?! I'm in no way seeking to replace their mum in their affections or undermine her position - but I think that my contribution to their lives and their contribution to mine can be described easily and without confusion by use of the term 'step', people generally have an understanding of what it means and so it adds some level of simplicity to a hugely complex situation, both for me and for the children.

Being a step is complicated and I have found that the label also holds many negative associations for society in general and not just 'bio' mums - note the 'wicked stepmother' from panto! But - I'm working hard, with DP and the DSC's support to stomp on the negative stuff and be the best step that I can be.

Thanks again for your comments - every single one was food for thought.

My daughter calls me her wicked stepmother - usually accompanied by lots of cuddles, kisses and laughing. And then I have to join in and say "Back to the housework, Cinders" or some such nonsense lol

Im going through this now, My DSD is 4. However he mum seems to have double standards. DSD refers to me as mum but calls me by my name. However when Ex found out she flipped said that it would never happen and I would never be her mum... this is where double standards come in.. she thinks it perfectly acceptable though for DSD to call her partner DAD!! She even told DSD that she has 2 dads and will only ever have 1 mum.

Despite this though my DSD daughter often refers to me as mummy, and has even come to wake me up at 6am to tell me she loves me and that she loves me being her other mummy.

I really dont mind what she calls me, as BitIfFun says its the relationship thats important, and we have a good relationship, always have really. I have been in her life since she was 2.

What the dictionary says - "stepmother - a woman who has married one's father after the death or divorce of one's mother"

Every situation is different and whatever choices people make in referring to one another should be acceptable as long as everyone concerned is happy with that. There is not a right way or a wrong way.

No child should be forced to call anyone by something another person has imposed on them, it should purely be their own choice.

My personal feelings are that mum and dad are always mum and dad. When mum/dad marries another person they then become a stepmum or stepdad. If not married, referred to as stepparent or just called by their names - I think referring to them as X's girlfriend etc is a little disrespectful, but again each to their own.

Unless a child wants to call stepmum 'mum' this should be kept for bio mums or may be just a more appropriate title for a stepmum that has 50/50 access or plays a really active part in that childs life.

I can understand why 'mum' might want the man she marrys to be referred to as 'dad' because they may have more of an active role in the child's life than the non resident parent and step-parent, but this should, as I've said earlier, be the choice of the child.

I have a stepdad, my father did not play an active part in my life but although he is my dad I felt strongly that I wanted to call my stepdad 'dad' because he was the one raising me at home. I also refer to him as 'dad' when I speak to anyone else about him (to the point they think he's my real one, which I let them believe - nothing to do with anyone else so I don't feel the need to explain anything). I have a stepmum, who I see very little and call her by her name, purely because of the little time I see them.

I seperated from my ex 10 years ago and married my Wife 8 years ago.

I have had constant access(Fighting tooth and nail for it) over those years but the term "Stepmum" is replaced by "Your Dads Wife" by my ex.

Although her husband is refered to as "Stepdad"....but it's just a name and my missus laughs it off.

Another old thread in step parwnting resurrected by dadaz.