19yr old 'step mother' and problems with 9yr ds

[whatdoyouallthink]

Hi all, I am not a step mum but have a question for you all.

My H left almost a year ago to pursue a relationship with a 19 year old girl. She has my children with my H at his parents house every other weekend. My dc are 9, 5 and 1.

For the second time my eldest ds has come home saying she has made out he is lying over childish things. The first time he asked her a question that she didnt know the answer too, she didnt believe that he was right. When my H returned ds said 'dad isnt x a x' H said yes of course it is and the girl said to my ds 'see I told you it was cant believe you didnt believe me'

This second time H was in shower and she was picking ice from the outside window frame and putting it down ds t-shirt. H returned from shower and ds told H she was throwing ice at him for her to say 'yeah right, I wasnt'

Now this could just be ds acting out but at 9 he knows better then that and isnt the sort of child to lie. I have tried to speak to my H about it he just says he will have to speak to ds as it isnt like that.

Is it likely that ds is acting out against her or is she actually struggling with her new role..any opinions? I feel really about the whole thing to be honest but not sure if I am just over reacting.

I don't understand what her age has to do with it???

I think you may be over reacting, maybe she was joking when she said 'see i told you'.

I don't think you should make a big deal about it.

she was putting ice down his top and then lying about it

fuck that for a laugh, I would be telling DH that DS wasn't going back again until he sorted it out

I also don't see why her being 19 is relevant?

It is hard to bond and interact with children in the early stages and maybe she is just larking about, trying to have a joke with them albeit unsuccessfully. I wouldn't say it is anything mean or sinister from what you have typed.

Does the 1 yr old baby stay all weekend too?

how is her being 19 not relevant?

she is obviously v immature and has no idea that putting ice down a childs top and lying about it is NOT OK

Can't see many 30yr olds who think that is ok

19 is relevant because she is very young - nearer to a sister than mother in age to a 9 year old. It does sound like she is struggling a bit to be the "adult", but probably not malicious.

I became a step mother at 20 to 3 children aged between 10 and 3, i never had any problems with being too young.

I thought maybe her age was relevant because it seemed a childish thing to do. Ds has been peed off about it both times.

They both live with his parents but I gather last few nights she has had to deal with baby while H at work and the grandparents sleep. Yes baby stays every other weekend too, dc are only there for saturday night but this week have stayed three nights.

Maybe its just me and the situation(she was the OW) I just need to get my head round it a bit more clearly. I just dont imagine if it was a man I was involved with doing it that my H would take it quite so lightly.

I guess I just worry about her age and the fact its all so big to take on.

She has been involved with the children since July so guess it is still early stages but she is present every weekend with them.

Guess maybe I am over reacting then, was just really fuming when ds was telling me.

She sounds nasty and immature, and possibly resentful of having to share her bf (your ex) with the children. Where are the exH's parents while all this is going on? Do they do any supervision while the weekend visits take place?

How about teaching your DS to shout or make a bit of noise next time she tries something like putting ice down his shirt?

You have to believe, and hope, she'll be caught out some time. Meantime, you and the ex need to sit down and get him to commit to more personal supervision of his children while he's with them. Maybe if your ex is going to be at work for the weekend he's supposed to have the DCs, they should stay with you instead and he should have to forfeit the visit. After all, this girl has really no relationship to them -- all she is is an unpaid babysitter for them if he's not around.

whatdoyouthink- it must be hard for you, i have only been in the gf's position and i found it hard work taking on 3 children every weekend, if those are the only things your ds has to complain about i would say given the situation she is doing a ok job. I found it hard to know how to react towards the children (should i act like a parent or like a friend?).

It must be hard trusting another woman with your children if she has none of her own but i'm sure your exH wouldn't let her look after them if he didn't trust her to do a good job of it.

What a difficult situation! So many possible issues and emotions. Do you know anything about her? Other than she likes older married men, obviously. Does she come from a big family where there was lots of horsing around, maybe?

9 is still pretty young to be dealing with this stuff but there isn't much you can do - just be supportive, I guess.

She has a VERY important relationship to them. It is key that anything you feel is not right is discussed calmly and the relationship with her is a positive one regardless of how you feel about the break-up. I am not what she has done sounds malicious or nasty at all, I suspect she has got it wrong in terms of bonding with them through messing around.

I also don't think it is right that she has full supervision of the baby, presumably you mean during the night? That is a huge responsibility for someone you are not sure about. I personally think it is too much to ask of any step Mum at this stage.

Good luck, I have experienced both sides of this and maintain that if things are made as open and pleasant as possible, that is best for the children.

Dc were only there for an extended period as there was no heating at home so H kept them with him but he still had to work. Tbh I think maybe my mil should have stepped up and took over looking after the baby especially of a night.

mathsanxiety, good point about teaching him to do something next time something like this happens.

It really only seems to be the eldest having problems. I know they are tame compared to others but its still upset my ds and just wanted some third party opinions on if I was wrong to be annoyed.

My first feeling was that she is resentful that her weekend has been taken up with 'sharing' XH and maybe them not having the nice child free life they normally have.

But you don't know she feels that way. Have you discussed your concerns with your ex H or could you talk to her directly? Then you will be able to gage more. You obviously trust her with your baby so there is some positivity about her capabilities.

We do not have the kind of relationship were we could talk to each other, too much has been done and said on her part about me/to me. I have spoke to XH and he says she has barely anything to do with dc and still denys she lives there..lies lies and lies!

I only know she was alone with the baby as eldest dc said and when I asked XH he didnt deny it. I already had a idea as MIL said she thought baby had a bad nights sleep while XH was at work and only person left to look after her was the girl. I wasnt asked and just assumed as MIL was there she would do the night shift. I cant stop her being involved with them just wish the apparent attitude towards eldest ds would stop.

Know she has a couple of siblings thats it. Ds is not soft and is used to rough play etc with other ds so isnt sort to moan really.

Thank you for all your opinions! Its good to see if from another point of view. I think I must just have a low opinion of the girl and maybe should give her benefit of the doubt.

I understand, that sounds like a crappy situation. Just keep a close eye on things and be sure to try and keep communication as open as possible.

TBH I am the kind of person who is always larking about with DC, mine or not.

I too have said "see I told you so but you wouldn't believe me" when i didn't know something and DC have got the answer from someone else.

I have also put ice down the back of t-shirts, hidden and waited for them to come outside and pelted them with snowballs, water balloons, mud pies, balloons fillen with shaving foam and glitter....(don't envy the parents there!!) and at one of ds1's friends b'day parties once got her older brother (adult) involved in an indoor water fight with the DC there.

Its not immaturity on my part its just that I love to have fun with them. However I have known some children misread what has been said/done.

Its not what she has said/done but the tone in which it was said. For example if she said "yeah right like i would" in a sarcastic/shocked tone then it is more likely she was playing. If she said it in a shouty tone then yep probably agree she was lying.

Hhhhm .... obviously most of my parents' generation had children in their early 20s, and they managed somehow to raise us. Also, girls falls pregnant even earlier than 19 and have children, and many of them do just fine. But then, they had 9 months to prepare, a parental bond with the child plus daily practice.

On the other hand, I have been raising my DD9 with the help of au-pairs, most of them around 20 ... and to be honest, based on my experience (though with an older child) I wouldn't leave a baby that age (i.e. 1) with somebody so young. Especially since she displays very immature behaviour when it comes to dealing with your oldest.

The problem here is that - given her behaviour - you are not having a stepmother/stepchild conflict, but similar to a stepsibling conflict. You might want to make your ex aware that the way she now constructs her relationship with your children will stick with her for many years (if indeed they stay together). Therefore, she shouldn't be surprised if she encounters any disrespect or lying at a later stage ...

Hmm...I really feel for you. Very difficult situation. Agree that your ex should be the one supervising all visits and failing that, your MIL.

Your 9 yr old is able to vocalise any problems he has with his Dad's gf to you. I would be concerned that your baby is obviously not in a position to do so. Children can make things up, indeed do in trying situations such as these, but they should also be listened to.

I would spell it out clearly that the only people to have sole charge of your DC are either your ex or your MIL.

Thanks again for your input.

I actually had ds1 when I was 19 myself and found that a big shock and had the 9 months to prepare. I know that at that age I couldnt have taken on a 9,5 and 1 year old just like that. I know that I wasnt mature enough to deal with it and going back I wouldnt become a parent at that age(although I am pleased I did or I wouldnt have ds1 ) I have had a quick flick through the threads here and can see that it is hard for anyone to become a step parent at any age.

Have spoken to ds1 again this morning as he was crying that he gets no one on one time with his dad as this girl is always around. Its also come out that she put ice down ds2 shirt and when he said it was stinging on his eczema she laughed and said 'ha ha'. We have come to the agreement that if something happens again and he feels uncomforatble with it or she lies about something and he doesnt think its right he is going to ask his dad to bring him home.

Have said to XH today that in future only him or MIL are to do nightshifts with dc3 and take full care for her. I will just have to see what happens next contact visit.

Its a shame as eldest two dc really liked her when they first met her and now it all seems to be turning.

I agree that we don't have her side of things so it's hard to judge what is going on here, especially if your ex is saying "it wasn't like that". It could be that she was messing around and he didn't get the joke or it could be that she was intentionally being mean.

If something like that had gone on here with dsd we'd be wanting her to talk to us about it, rather than her mum, otherwise you're in danger of him learning to play you all off against each other.

Are those who think we stepmums shouldn't be left in charge of our stepchildren actually stepmums themselves? I find it bizarre that we've been referred to as unpaid babysitters! I've been at home with dsd for 3 days now while dh works. Nothing wrong with that - she likes it here and she gets to spend time with her sister and with her Dad in the evenings, and she's helping with all the Christmas preparations and getting excited with the rest of us. If she stayed with her mum because dh is at work she'd be missing out on so much. She's a member of the family, not dh's other daughter who he has contact with occasionally.

Both times ex was out of ear shot. So although he may say it wasnt like that he isnt likely to know either.

Good point about playing each other off. Although I really dont think ds has that in him I will keep my eyes open for anything like that.

Frostythesurfmum, I would just like to comment on the unpaid babysitter reference you made ... my ex keeps harping on about how grateful I should be to his wife for looking after our daughter when she is with him. Tell me, why should I? His wife looks after our daughter on his behalf, during his time with DD ... she is covering for him, not for me. So if SM wants gratitude or payment, she should approach the person who actually requested her to look after the child. Alternatively, I am very happy to look after our daughter myself or instruct the au-pair to do so (whom I pay anyway).

Funnily enough, when we still had a shared residence scenario, my ex insisted on vetting the au-pairs I hired (during my time) because after all, they "are looking after my child". Not only did he want to have a say, but he also kept interfering by instructing them. As the mother of the child, I obviously never got a chance to vet or instruct his wife. Strictly speaking, there is no difference. The fact that ex sleeps with his wife does not make her any more or less qualified to look after our child, nor does it give her any rights (apart from the right to be treated with respect and courtesy, which in my house the au-pair has as well).

I know many mothers (still in a relationship with their children's fathers) who would never ever leave their 1-year old with anybody else (often not even their own parents, ie. the grandparents). So I find it admirable that this mum does (especially given the fact that we are talking about (a) the OW and (b) a fairly short relationship between her ex and the young lady).

I think respect goes both ways, and she certainly does deserve her ex's respect ... it's not on that her ex doesn't take the time to (1) investigate what has really been going on and (2) sit down the OP and reassure her accordingly.

It is quite simple ... would any of the stepmums hand over their bio children to the ex to have her look after them? Very few, I guess. So why should an ex feel any different? After all, to the ex SM is a stranger.