19yr old 'step mother' and problems with 9yr ds

[whatdoyouallthink]

Hi all, I am not a step mum but have a question for you all.

My H left almost a year ago to pursue a relationship with a 19 year old girl. She has my children with my H at his parents house every other weekend. My dc are 9, 5 and 1.

For the second time my eldest ds has come home saying she has made out he is lying over childish things. The first time he asked her a question that she didnt know the answer too, she didnt believe that he was right. When my H returned ds said 'dad isnt x a x' H said yes of course it is and the girl said to my ds 'see I told you it was cant believe you didnt believe me'

This second time H was in shower and she was picking ice from the outside window frame and putting it down ds t-shirt. H returned from shower and ds told H she was throwing ice at him for her to say 'yeah right, I wasnt'

Now this could just be ds acting out but at 9 he knows better then that and isnt the sort of child to lie. I have tried to speak to my H about it he just says he will have to speak to ds as it isnt like that.

Is it likely that ds is acting out against her or is she actually struggling with her new role..any opinions? I feel really about the whole thing to be honest but not sure if I am just over reacting.

To answer your question surfermum, I am a step mother, and have been to my lovely DSS for 11 years. However, when a child is getting upset because of one of the parents' partner - especially so early in the relationship - alarm bells should ring and measures should be put in place to make sure that the children's welfare is a priority. I am sure if the tables were turned and someone was saying that a mother's new boyfriend was making a 9 year old child upset/uncomfortable we would all be saying, 'do not leave them alone'.

It is all very well defending step parents - but there has to be some sort of common sense check. Not everyone has good intentions. Not everyone behaves appropriately with children. As parents it is our responsibility to ensure our children's well being.

"I find it bizarre that we've been referred to as unpaid babysitters!" I made the original reference to the young stepmum as an unpaid babysitter. The sense of my remark was that maybe this is how the teenager sees herself, and maybe she resents it. What I saw in the OP was a girl who is after all the same age as my own oldest DD, living with a much older man, in his parents' house, who gets saddled with the day and night care for three small children with a wide age range, including a baby, on weekends, maybe with her full acquiescence and agreement, maybe not. I was not maligning all stepmums by my comment.

OP this is a no-brainer, really. You have to back your DS up by approaching your Ex with an appeal based on the child's welfare and long term relationship prospects with the stepmum. You have gone a long way towards trusting your exH and his GF, and I don't think you need to fall over backwards trying to see their pov on this. If you can get your Ex to try to put his son first here (good luck on this) you will have accomplished a lot in your own relationship with your DS too.

KaPe, I agree wholeheartedly with your post.

Rindercella, I can imagine quite clearly that if this was a man I was involved in XH would be having a say - without doubt and quite rightly so.

The conversation with XH was a bit of a non starter, he immediatly thought I was having a go and said he did not wish to be drawn into such childish things and couldnt even understand what was being said or what my concerns were. Have asked that when he goes to work when dc are there that MIL looks after youngest dc during the night and in the mornings when he returns and goes to bed. But to be honest he was on the verge of loosing his temper as soon as it was bought up and putting the phone down. I tried to explain (calmly) that its just going to damage the dc relationship with her and that its important to all of us that they all get on.

Can only hope he takes what has been said on board to at least think about. The trouble is I think he would take this girls side over dc and that is very sad.

Thank you all for your wise words and taking time out to read and post!!

Is there any way that things could have been mis-interpreted? Children pick up on conversations and feelings without us really realising, so it may be that he already has pre-concieved ideas about his 'step mother', especially if he knows his Dad has left his family for her.

I ask, as my husband has not got a great relationship with his ex, and sadly, she will not even meet me, despite the fact we have been together for six years. (my husband's ex wife left him three years before I met him) There is aquite a lot of 'playing off' both from hsi childrena nd the ex wife. I am sure the children do not mean it, and sometimes things are genuinely mis-interpreted. For example, my son (also 13) was talking to DSS about his boarding school and how wonderful it is. He then said 'if you came to live with us, you could go there to'. A conversation between two children. DSD then told her Mum that her Dad doesn't care about her, as we invited DSS to live with us, but not her. Obviously that isn't what happened, and she wasn't lying, but that is how she saw it.

A lot of stuff like that happens, and I think her Mum is quick to believe it as she would like to think I'm some horrid old bint. It's not unreasonable that you would have bad feelings towards this other woman, but do give her the benfit of the doubt, and do try an dtalk to her. Whatever has been said, you can be the matur eone, and being on speaking terms with her will not only set your mind at rest, but it can only benefit your children.

I have a great relationship/friendship with my ex husband, and because of that my children sailed through the divorce an dhave come out the other side pretty much unaffected by it emotionally.

midori1999, While I dont go out of my way to talk to her when I pick the dc up and she is there I am always polite say hello and goodbye and ask if the dc have behaved. The dc went to walk out one day and completely forgot to say goodbye but I made a point of telling them they forgot to say bye to her so off they went to say bye.

I have walked in the house to take dc out with XH to sporting activities and she has blanked them and not even said hello. When I questioned XH its because its better if she dont talk to them when I am there . Well I am of the opinion that she should also make the effort and at least greet/say goodbye to my children. For their birthdays, all in the last 8 weeks she didnt give any of them a birthday card. XH said its because its not 'her place'. Again I would have thought it would be a nice touch just a card with their age on the front signed from her. Not too heavy just like any other friends we have would do. Maybe I just think of it too much in terms of what I would do if in the step parent position and should realise that everyone handles things differently.

I do understand how conversations can get out of hand with children. I have spoken to dc about it and its behind us now. I will give it the benefit of the doubt this time. Im sure she will get used to the dc and how to handle them and the dc will get used to her. Im sure its something that all of us, XH and OW included will all grow into with time.

I'm a "stepmum" but never ever a OW!
From your opening post, after some consideration, I do think you are overreacting.

19 yr olds may get pregnant but they don't give birth to 9 yr olds! I think the age is extremely relevant. Unless she has younger siblings she may struggle to relate to how grown up a lot of 9 yr olds can be.

I think doing things and lying about them is extremely odd. You know your ds best and hopefully would know if he was the one telling fibs. Is he happy to spend time there? If not then there may be more to it and I would ensure that the step partner isn't there when the children are (as you say your ex says she doesn't live there) or make sure the MIL is there and the dcs aren't left unsupervised with the step parent.

Could your XH have some guiotl issues regarding his girlfriend spending time with the children. His views on things ar e a bit odd (her not talking to the children when you're there, not her place to send a birthday car etc) maybe his GF is just taking the lead on that?

I hope your son is OK now, it is hard for children in these situations, and hard for the parent who's decision it wasn't too.

My comment was more about those who seemed to feel that it wasn't a step-mum's role to care for stepchildren alone. It's that that I disagree with, rather than your post specifically Rindercella.

And KaPe, when I do look after dsd I don't expect anyone to be grateful. I just do it, just like I do with dd - I'm not a babysitter, I'm a stepmum.

I do think you are in a difficult situation WDYAT because they sound really defensive. You sound really sensible and reasonable given the circustances, and I hope that rubs off on them so you can all sort out things like this amicably.

I did ask if she had mentioned sending birthday cards and if it was XH idea that she didnt. He said it wasnt even mentioned or something that she would have even thought of doing. So not sure if she is following XH lead. He could quite possible have a lot of guilt though(they got together whilst I was expecting dc3 and then left when dc3 was 5 weeks old and just generally caused me a lot of shit)

DS had a few more tears last night but we had a little chat about things and he is now just excited about the next couple of days.

Thanks all again. Hope you all have a lovely christmas .

Why would she send her own cards to the children? Isn't she included on their Dad's cards to them?

It's a difficult situation to be in, from an outsider's view (IMO). It could be that the Step-Mum is being a bit mean (totally out of order if that's true). It could be that you have a sensitive little boy who is misinterpreting her actions for being mean, perhaps because he doesn't like her because of who she is.

It sounds like it would be better if you could try and talk to your ex privately (not on the phone), calmly as you already said you were and warn him beforehand not to get defensive. You are just trying to get to the bottom of it.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas x

I also agree with Frostythesurfmum. I don't expect any reward or for anyone to be grateful for looking after DSD. There's going to come a time, that I will be left alone to look after her unless we stick to a few hours contact a week forever, which is not what her Dad ... or I, want.

I don't understand the attitude that step parents shouldn't be left in sole charge of a step child. I can understand if it's a new partner. I can also understand expecting the other parent to be there most of the time if the contact is only short periods but if it's for longer, that might not be possible. And as you say Frosty, a step-parent is not a babysitter.

No, I wouldn't let DSD's Mum look after my children, but then she isn't my children's Step-Mum.

ChocHobNob, what is a stepmum? Even on here, the definition is not clear ... is it a partner, a wife? Long-term? And what is long-term? 2 months (which is when my DD's stepmum insisted to be present at parents' eves)? Six months?

What I am saying is that most people would not leave a baby with a 19-year old nanny, unless they knew her really well. So why would you leave her with the 19-year old who happens to share a bed with your ex?

I have a 21-year old au-pair, and she does things like this 19-year old ... and then lies. She will go back to bed when I leave for work ... DD told me many times about it, au-pair lied. Until one day, I walked out and sneaked back in 5 minutes later ... DD was watching TV, au-pair had gone back to bed.

I am not saying all 19-year olds are immature ... but this one sounds it. No matter how much fun the ex has with her, this is not on. And if she can stick ice down a child's shirt she surely can write a birthday card, no?

As for not talking to the kids when their mother walks in ... this is exactly how hostile situations start, with little kids in the middle ... natural consequence will be that the OP turns resentful ... aaaahhhh, another wicked ex is born! I wouldn't talk to my ex's new wife if you paid me (and she was the OW, as in the woman who slept with a man who had not yet finished a previous relationship), I co-parent with my ex. But if she was there when DD was present, then I'd at least greet her!

I too am wary of using the term 'stepmum' carelessly. I didn't officially become DSS's stepmother until after DH and I got married - some 7 years after we first me, and I first met DSS. Before we married, I referred to DSS as my partner's son. I also insisted that DH and I wait several months before introducing DSS to me - I wanted to make sure that we were really secure & happy together before introducing some random woman (i.e. me) into a 9 year old child's life.

I found it a huge responsibility, even at 29 years old, to look after someone else's child in such a capacity. Sometimes I would have sole charge for him. I remember the first time I drove with him as my only passenger. I was cacking it - the thought of me crashing with a child in my car horrified me. I told DSS this a couple of years ago when he was learning to drive - he thought I was mad Bugger me though if I would have been happy about having sole charge for a 1 yr old baby who wasn't my own! I think that is far too much to ask of a parent's new partner. I also think it is too much to ask for a mother to just accept - it must be hard enough handing over such a young child as it is.

WDYAT, i wish you a very Merry and Happy Christmas and hope that the situation gets easier for you.

CHN, She wasnt included on XH card as we sent a joint card.

The not talking to the children while I am around situation has now changed and when I dropped the children off boxing day she hid upstairs til I had left when XH called her back down. Today when picking the children up at a arranged time she again went upstairs when I was due and stayed there til I left. Im not sure this actually helps the situation as far as the chilren are concerned as first thing they told me was 'as you left mum dad called OW down'

KaPe its awful that your DD's au pair made out she was lying to you and its good that you got to the bottom of it. I do find it extremely hard to talk to her (she was OW) but do for dc's sake so surely she could at least manage to talk to my children whilst I am present too!

I find it hard to believe after the above things have been said to ds that she finds it as easy as XH says she does. I find it hard that anyone at 19 feels like they can deal with everything that comes with a situation like this(3 children, a ex wife and all the stresses that people have when divorcing etc) I know that at that age I would have found it huge and ran a mile.

DC3 has been going on over night stays with XH since she was 4 months old but it was agreed that he or MIL would take full care so to then find out OW had been was hard.

We have all had a lovely christmas thanks and hope everyone here did too.

whatdoyouallthink, the question is whether there has ever been any fallout between you and the OW. I am a mum who was pretty much in the same situation as you are (albeit my DD was already 6.5), so I wouldn't blame you (and I doubt many of the stepmums on here would, given the fact that your ex and the OW were conducting an affair during your pregnancy).

If there was, then you will either have to talk to her and make some sort of peace, at least for the times when the kids are present. If you feel unable to talk to her or if she is merely acting that way because of her bad conscience, then talk to your ex and tell him what you expect. You don't want to become her best mate, but leaving the room when your children and you are present is giving the children the impression that there is hostility ... not what they need.

Your ex obviously feels obliged to defend OW .... after all, he brought her into the kids' lives. My ex will defend his wife no matter what she does ... I have known him for 10 years and know for a fact that on many occasions, had she not been his partner but the mum of a schoolmate of DD's, he would have never sent DD back to their's for a playdate again.

You can obviously now find 1,000 reasons to stop contact, let him drag you through court or do the same to him ... very bad idea! You sound a very pretty person inside, and I am sure this reflects on your outside. Your ex has three children just like you do, and my view is that instead of spending cosy nights with the OW, he might as well help you with the parenting of HIS offspring ... and give you a chance to meet someone special again (preferably someone who can keep his little friend were it belongs when he sees a teenager). You might want to go back to school or find a part-time job ... the world is your oyster, and it happens to be your ex's job to facilitate its exploration by keeping your back clear.

Your ex obviously won't talk to you unless you give him a proper platform ... away from the OW (who obviously expects to be defended). Invite him for mediation and try to work out some sort of parenting agreement (google the internet, there are some great examples). Many couples include clauses that state what should be done if one parent cannot provide care during his/her allocated parenting time. Ask him how he would feel if you left your 1-year old in the care of a 19-year old hunky toyboy. Bear in mind that whatever you agree on would obviously then also apply to you ... double-standards are obviously not in the best interest of your kids.

In my opinion it's always best to lay down the rules earlier rather than later ... if you wait too long then you are bound to end up in a warzone for many, many years to come.

Good luck to you ... hope you find someone very, very special.

I wouldn't let a teenager anywhere near my 1 year old - sorry. I am sure that there are some mature 19 year olds who have given birth to their own children and looked after them exceptionally well but this girl is probably selfish, self centred, immature, lacks moral fibre and puts her own interests first. That's what being 19 is about. She's been with your XH for 5 minutes and was instrumental in your breakup. She probably resents your children like hell - if it wasn't for them, your XH wouldn't have to be in contact with you which she probably doesn't like.

OP, you sound like a big person (big in character as opposed to body) but you would have every right to limit her contact with your kids. They are nothing to do with her.

Tryharder, this might by default mean limiting the father's contact, or rather the kids' contact with him ... and, at the same time, restricting her own life quite severely.

From experience I can tell you that the more the OP harps on about his new bit of fluff, the closer they will become ... the Romeo & Juliet effect!

It is reasonable that the OP requests for her 1-year old not to remain in the sole care of the teenager for prolonged periods of time for the time being, and it is reasonable - especially at this age, where short but frequent periods of contact are better than long but infrequent ones - that the father is present during most of the contact. But trying to limit the teeny's contact with the kids might result in a lot of heartbreak and years of fighting!

One of dsd's mums boyfriends used to disappear upstairs whenever dh came to collect/drop off dsd. He was very young too and I agree, it could be that she just doesn't know how to be with you so just avoids you.

It does sound like she's just not sure what her role is in all this. I would have struggled too at 19 for sure. In fact the night before I met dsd I was awake fretting and when dh asked me what was wrong I said "I won't know what to do - what if she needs the toilet?". He laughed and said "she's 4, she'll know what to do" . And I was 36!!

I think KaPe talks sense about keeping the communication channels open and keeping things amicable. If she is feeling overwhelmed about it all she might appreciate a bit of support, but she might also not want to ask for fear of you having a go at her (you don't sound like you would, but she might still worry about that) or coming across as inadequate compared to you. It depends how confident she is about looking after the children.

As for when does someone become a step-mum? I think it's something that happens gradually as your relationship with your step-child builds.

I'm not sure if/when dsd switched from being dh's dd to my step-daughter, I think I always considered her to be my step-daughter in my head because dh and I had already been together a year and were engaged when I met her (it had taken him 2 years to get a court order).

I think our situation was quite unusual because to her we always came as a couple and she just accepted that. She can't remember living with her Dad as a baby, and pretty soon after the court order she was coming to stay with dh and I. I asked her recently if she felt me always being around had affected her building her relationship again with her Dad, but she said it didn't, and she and I have certainly always had a good relationship.

Would I leave dd in the care of dsd's mum? Why not? I don't think I'd see it any differently to leaving her with one of the mums from school. She's just another mum.