Am I Really Being Unreasonable?

[SadSam]

Im sorry, but after yet another argument with DP last night I felt that I had to ask your opinion on whether I am being unreasonable as my DP seems to think.

We have had a horrible time recently with BM, Solicitors etc. We have just had eldest ss stay with us for a week and one of my grouses is that I dont even get asked if he can stay with us. I just get told by DP that he is coming to stay and I have no say in the matter. If I have anything planned then I have to cancel it! On top of this we have been told by BM that we have to have ss and sd for 2 weeks during the summer holidays and take them away for at least 1 week. We also have been told we have to have the children from Boxing Day to January 3rd!

My issues is that as some of you may be aware, my DPs children and parents live nearly 200 miles away and my only family (parents) live over 160 miles away in the opposite direction. When we had his eldest son I had already arranged for us to visit my parents for the weekend, but had to cancel it as we couldn't possibly cancel his son.

The same again for Christmas, when am I supposed to visit my parents at Christmas? I am working Christmas Eve so all I have is Christmas day before the kids come and it is expected that if I want to see my family that I drive 160 miles on Christmas Eve evening just to come back Christmas Day evening! Again, it is just assumed that I will accept Christmas as I have for the last 3 years, I dont get asked it is just expected of me! I know that a father should be with his children at Christmas, but I have even suggested that he has the kids and I see my family this year, but he starts whinging that he wants me to be with him and the kids.

We already have the children once a month and although we would love to have them more, it is just not possible with the travelling, petrol costs etc. We are having them for 2 weeks in the summer holidays aswell and this means that we have no holiday left for me and DP to have a holiday on our own! Dp says that we will still be spending time together albeit with the kids and that's all that matters, but he doesn't seem to understand that when they are not your kids and you receive no respect from them its not that easy or enjoyable!

Please please somebody tell me am I being unreasonable? All I want is occasionally to be asked rather than told what I am doing! I have over the last 2 years cancelled visits to my parents 5 times all for his children. I have never asked him to cancel his plans for my family and to be honest he never would even if I did! If he says we are having the children and I say but you know we are going to see my parents, then it is just expected that I have to cancel my arrangements as he cant let his kids down!

Sorry to ramble on, but please help!

Surely she must see that behaving the way she is she is hurting everyone, including her children, it must be so hard for them to be stuck in the middle of this, if only she could be reasonable things could be so much easier for them, your dp. you and dare I say it, it would be even easier for her too.

Hateing and being difficult takes up so much time and effort and only lands up ultimately hurting everyone around you espcially the people that love you, why can't some people see that?

Sorry, just got angry again, rant over.

Meant to add Twiglett, that I am quite happy to go to my parents on my own while he sees the kids but he starts whinging if I suggest that saying that he wants me to be with him and the kids.

Lol @ Squirrel - I can give you her name and address if you like!!!!!

I know exactly what you are saying Squirrel, she is totally irrational even our solicitor said that. Shes totally not all there and does not give a s**t who she hurts and upsets including her children. She is so terribly unhappy and likes to share her unhappiness with everyone else. Even her eldest boy hasnt lived with her for about 6 years as he cant put up with her drinking and attitude!

personally don't think he can have it all ways .. fine you both have a commmitment to his kids but you have a commitment to your family too

I would personally just spend a couple of days there, let him pick up the kids and whinge, and take train home .. after all it might make him appreciate that you aren't a doormat and he really should check with you first because whilst you're happy for the kids to come and love them of course you can't suddenly drop arrangements at drop of a hat

feel free to ignore me though

Hmmm.

This sounds sooo difficult, but I am a bit perplexed as to how com BM calls all the shots here. It sounds like your dp could do with a stronger solicitor, who can ramp up support from your end a bit.

Several points come to mind

1. She cannot prevent your dp from seeing his own children. What are the custody arrangements? If none are yet settled, he MUST ask for joint custody, so he has equal rights and responsibilities over his children (joint custody does nott necessary mean they live with you and equal amount of time, just that dp has as much say in their welfare as their BM.

2. If she's a drunken, irresponsible sot as you say, then dp should look at applying for full custody or at least for care and control, as she's an unfit mother. Sometimes the threat of that (via a solicitors letter) pulls the unreasonable BM into line a bit.

3. How does the 16 year-old feel about all this? If there was a custody battle, he would be asked his opinion by the court. How does he feel?

4. If he is spending sooooo much time with you, then you need to DEMAND some consideration from both him and dp.

5. This is none of my business, but if dp cannot find a way to consider you and the stress this all puts on you, then maybe he isn't the one to spend the rest of your life with. I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but you cannot be a doormat to him and his ex for ever.

6. I think it is very hurtful of your parents not to accept your step-kids as part of your family. My parents always went out of their way to make my two steps feel welcome at any family gathering.

Sam, if I had the money I would give it to you and tell you to take it to court, get welfare reports done by trained people who see this sort of thing everyday. They will look at the stepchildrens home life as well as their relationship with you and your dp.

I'd tell you to get it settled once and for all, my fear is for the children, from what I can gather their mother is drunk most of the time, abussive, had a partner that beat her kids and didn't really do anything to stop it (until your dp stepped in that is)

My fear is that these poor children will grow into damaged adults and possibly repeat the same cylce (sp?) with their own kids.

I feel really sad for them. If I had the money I promise it would be yours to sort this out.

Oh SS I really feel for you in all this. There certainly doesn't seem to be an easy solution and you are making my situation seem like a breeze! You must really love your dp to put up with all this when you have no kids yourself. I now have my own dds to bring into a step situation so makes it more balanced but was a step mum before before I had kids and it is bloody hard.

I can only re-iterate what the others have said about somehow getting your dp to treat you with more respect and ask rather than tell you about arrangements. It's not fair that you should be messed around all the time.

It's a shame your Mum won't make an effort with the step kids. My parents were brilliant with my step dds and it was a great help as we could combine family occasions like Christmas and even holidays so I didn't feel I had to miss out on seeing them. Could they have your bed and you sleep on the sofa for a couple of nights? Sure your mum would bite her tongue and even smoke outside if you really asked her to and explained what it would mean to you??

Sorry not to be more help but you certainly have my sympathies!

How old are you? Don't wait too long before having a baby!! I did have 2 dds with my exp who had the 2 dds already. He was useless and had an affair so we split but I don't regret having the dds as I'm now in a lovely relationship but am a bit old to be having more kids and my new dp has had the snip (he has 3 dds too!). So have a baby or find someone new!!!!

Easy thank you for your message. We have just stopped using a solicitor and are dealing direct with BMs solicitor now. We have spent over £700 on solicitors fees in the last couple of months and we just cannot afford it, if we carried on like that we would end up losing our house!

1. Custody was never dealt with through the courts, it was agreed through a solicitor that DP would see his children once a month (due to the fact that he lived 200 miles away). He has just applied for parental responsibility (via her solicitor).

2. She does have a serious drink problem and this was told to our solicitor. We would never consider full custody due to the disruption it would cause the children. They would be moving 200 miles away, away from their school, friends and the rest of their family. She does love the children and they are not mistreated.

3. As I said earlier, the 16 year old doesnt live with his mum he lives with his nan. He is going into the army in the next couple of months so he will be well out of it!

4. Not sure what it will be like when he comes home on leave we will have to wait and see.

5. My sentiments exactly!

6. I think if my parents lived near us they would make more of an effort, but when they are so far away it is difficult to get close. I dont think they want to get too involved, they tried with my half sisters kids and they got badly hurt and now dont see them at all! I do think they come across as being selfish, but they are not really "kiddy" people! They did however, buy them presents for Christmas last year even though they have never met the 2 youngest.

Sam she (BM) may love them but she is damaging them by her drinking and her attitude, she needs to see that and get some help.

Thank you so much Squirrel {{{{hug}}}

Listmaker. Thank you for your kind words. I do love him so much and I love the children but I feel that my whole life evolves around him and them.

I am 34 and feel like life is passing me by. I dont even know if we could afford a child with everything that his family are costing us with CSA, petrol each month is over £100 not including food for them, toys, taking them out so that they dont get bored and miserable. That on top of the Solicitors fees has just about wiped us out. BM wants us to take kids abroad this year but we just cant afford it. She even refused to pay for their passports as "she cant afford it", but she can afford the new mobile phone she has just bought, loads of clothes, booze etc. Its so unfair, im at the end of my tether!

Look, she can't suddenly demand you take them abroad for a holiday.

Try to ignore such silly requests, and concentrate on the important stuff.

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!

The BM is even dictating where you take them on holiday????????????? What the.....?????

If you can't afford a holiday abroad its nothing to do with her where you take them, you could take them for a caravan holiday in Folkstone (no offence to Folkstone, I love Folkstone but it the first place I could think of) and I'm sure they would love it if you all relaxed and got on !!!!!!!!!!!

Please stand up to her, she is pushing you and your dp around, telling you how to run your life... Grrrrrrr again!!!

Thought I would also add that I think my problem is magnified by the fact that my family live so far away, DPs family live so far away. I feel very isolated here, I was always used to being around my parents all my life, I used to see them every day. Now I only see them once every 2 months at the most, sometimes only 4 times a year. DP sees his kids and parents every month even though he is not as family orientated (with his parents) as I am and have always been.

We are not taking them abroad we just cant afford it full stop. We told her this through the solicitor.

We are taking them camping, but in the school holidays a caravan in Cornwall costs over £300 for the week!

We decided to buy a tent (more expense), but youngest girl has now got upset and says she doesnt want to sleep in a tent!! Middle boy doesnt want to share a tent with her anyway, wants a tent on his own and doesnt want to stay in a caravan. So it looks like it would have to be a caravan for 3 of us and a tent for the boy just to keep the peace. Aaaarrrrrghhhhhhh!!!

Look, now you are letting the kids call the shots too !!

This is Bl^*dy ridiculous, and someone has to stand up for the grown-ups here (I mean you and dp).

For pities sake, SS, tell the kids what holiday you have booked, tell them it will be nice, and anyone who doesn't want to come can stay at home, so there !!

Thank God for that! We are going camping, I love it!

Although I must say that an 8yr old in a tent on his own? Or have I got it wrong is it the 16yr old?

Easy, I have gone past trying to call the shots, Everything I say always gets overriden! Im a total doormat!

Squirrel, I have told DP that I dont think 8 year old should stay in the tent on his own. He has said he will be fine and that if we get another tent we will make sure that the entrance to our tent is next to the entrance of his. If we get a caravan then he will have to sleep in the tent in the awning!

If you have already bought the family tent, why don't you all use it and not the caravan to save money, you could use the money you save to entertain them? I'm sure the little one would be ok once there and well, the 8yr old will just have to get on with his sister and I'm sure that will be ok once there too.

Whatever happens I hope you have a good time on the holiday, its a good 'bonding time' in my experience, but then again everyone and every situation is different....

Thanks Squirrel I have stayed in a caravan with them before and it was great, but unfortunately so much has happened in the last few months with BM that children have changed, their attitudes towards us have changed with is totally her doing!

I will endeavour to have a good time and try and make it as good as possible for everyone!

SadSam ..... have just read this post and I am so spitting mad for you, and feel so much for you. Such a lot of what you've written mirrors my own situation and I could just cry when I read of someone else having to cope with a totally unreasonable BM who influences your life - and you are entitled to one - to such a degree.

I think everyone else has said, one way and another, what I would also have said to you had I come to this post earlier. No doubt about it the BM sounds like a bitch mother, but your DP also needs to start laying down the law. Are you part of his family or not ? .... if you are, then you need to be shown a little respect and consideration by being included in plans for the skids, not just having everything presented to you as a fait accompli.

I'm not going to write any more - it's all been said & TBH, this is such an emotional and very current topic for me, that if I started, I'd be here for hours. Just to say, that IMO, you are not selfish, not unreasonable, and under the circumstances, you appear to have the resolution of a saint.

A big big hug for you ...

If you haven't already bought a family tent this is similar to the one dp and I bought this year. it has two seperate bedrooms for the kids large enough for a single lilo and to have enough room for their clothes and to get dressed etc. A large 'living' space and a really big third bedroom (which can be divided up into two seperate double rooms by removable divider (dp and I are having this room)

And if you bought one, you can use it next year and the year after if you wanted to.

No, I don't have shares in the camping industry. lol

Your DP just sounds like he's letting the kids divide and rule and your needs are being put way down his list of priorities. I have to agree with everything Easy has said. A lot of step-parenting consists of having to accept situations which are frankly unreasonable, but it seems to me that you're being asked to put up with stuff way and above the call of duty. Particularly with the baby thing - at 34, you simply don't have the time for somebody hostile to you, to have a veto on your fertility.

I think you really need to speak to your DP about how he's going to prioritise being fair to you. Although I can understand that he's acting out of fear, that is not the basis of a happy or healthy relationship with anyone, least of all your own children. And pandering to his ex isn?t going to make her behave better, so there?s no point.

Sorry, you asked for people to tell you you were being unreasonable, but nobody has. And guess why? You?re not. Not at all.

Catsmother, Squirrel and Caligula. Thank you so much for your comments and support. I am just so exhausted with trying so hard and being let down. I can't argue with DP anymore, it is getting me down so much. Catsmother sorry to hear you are having similar problems, I can totally relate to it.

Squirrel thank you for the tent details, I hope your not on commission??? I am definately going to buy one similar to that and if the kids dont like it then they can bloody stay with their mother as far as I am concerned!

Thank you all so very much, I am going for a lie down now, will hopefully catch you all later if not tomorrow! xxx

Hi SadSam. Go for a Court order for contact dates, and drop the solicitor if you can't afford it. We had to and dh was fine in Court sorting it out. If you want to CAT me I could get dh to talk to dp if he would like to. The offer is always there. You've tried your best to try and sort things out with her, even through solicitors and she's still pi$$ing about. No-one needs this continued aggravation, least of all the children. We did find things really settled down once we got the Court Order and everyone knew where they stood. Of course, if we need to change a weekend, with plenty of notice, it's always totally unreasonable of us and we put ourselves first above seeing dsd, but if BM wants to change one we just have to fall into line, and we get very little notice!

And no, of course you're not being unreasonable. It's one thing accommodating everyone's needs, but not you being the only one who has to alter their plans, and not to even be consulted or asked about things is just plain insulting. I would be too.

Go on holiday where you want to go and where you can afford to go, and my tip is to take a very large box of wine with you! Ignore her demands. In fact ignore her full stop.

And I agree with the others that you really need to have a serious talk with your dp about how all this is making you feel.

Thank you Surfermum

We have dropped the Solicitor as we just cant afford it. We have typed up all our proposals of visits until next year and are just awaiting to hear back from her Solicitor now. The last letter was 3 pages long and was very dictating as that is how we are normally spoken to.

What I cant get my head around is the fact that they have been seperated for 6 years and DP was with someone else for nearly 3 years before he met me. He never had as much crap from her when he was with his last girlfriend. I think she is p**sed off at the fact that we have got engaged and have our own house and she is scared she has now lost him forever (halelujah, realisation at last!). She lost him the minute she kicked him out but she just didnt expect for him to get with someone else so soon! Hes a good catch, a kind man, gorgeous looking, surely she didnt expect him to be single for long? lol

Anyway I digress, thank you Surfermum, I will consider your offer to let your DH talk to him. By the way what is CAT and how do you do it?