Struggling with being a stepparent

[struggling]

Hi... I am feeling a little low at the moment and feel I need to get some things into perspective. I have a teenage stepson who is due to finish school this year, and he is currently staying with us. I also have a young child of my own who is going through all those difficult pre-school phases of whining, having tantrums, being willful and stubborn, etc etc etc (need I say more?). So I suppose I am feeling a bit pressured by my circumstances and I am not really enjoying having ss around for so much of the time - it makes me feel as though I don't have enough 'space'. He is generally not bad and can be quite pleasant (I have known much worse teenagers) but find that little things are starting to irritate me, like if he makes phone calls without asking or if he has to be asked several times to do something. I'm sure it doesn't bother dh nearly as much as me, because he is his real father - but I don't know how to overcome my negative feelings about the whole thing. Dh and I also have times when we don't get on, and this seems to be magnified due to his son being around. I want to try to be accommodating to ss but inside I feel so uptight a lot of the time. Don't know if anyone can help but it's just getting me down... thank you.

Hi, Struggling. I'm not a step parent but I've had a bit of the teens experience with my children. I'd try to sort out what is important and what's not, to begin with. The phone calls for example. I assume as your ss is leaving school, he must be at least 16. Unless he is making overseas/premium rate phone calls, I think it's a bit demeaning for him to have to ask to use the phone. Perhaps you could agree that he can use the phone without asking but that any expensive or long distance calls(maybe set a monetary limit) that show up on the itemised bill must be contributed to from his own pocket.

You don't say what sort of requests you make of him. If it is help with household tasks, I would repeat the request, nicely, saying that if he is't going to do it, 'please just say so' in order that you can ask someone else to do it or do it yourself. It takes the heat out of the situation and very often they will comply because there's obviously not going to be a fight. If it is something like a request to tidy up his room, then unless the room is a hazard to health, I think you have to respect his right to have things as he wants.

Depending on his relationship with your own child, maybe you can get SS on board as an ally, asking him for help and giving him some respsonsibility, making him feel he is really contributing to the family.

Lastly, and I know this is not easy, but try not to take knockbacks personally!! Recent research has shown that teenagers undergo such massive changes in their brains that they truly cannot help themselves and they lose the ability to see another person's POV. Also, try to remind yourself that normal will be resumed - eventually. Good luck.

Normal service will be resumed!!

suedonim that's what I'm confused about. Yes he does get asked to tidy up his room, mainly because he always leaves his door open and it looks like a bomb's gone off in there. Because his room is in a very visible area, we do ask that he keeps it tidy and put things away. Do you really think this is too much to ask? (I am genuinely confused). I know he needs his space, but I also feel that he should make an effort to keep his room reasonably tidy and to help around the house a bit. He really isn't asked to do very much - he is only responsible for his room, taking the garbage out, and clearing the kitchen after dinner. Occasionally dh gets him to wash the cars. The rest of the time he pretty much does what he wants to do.

Should we really not expect him to do something when asked? It's just that dh and I always had to comply when we were teenagers, and we both feel that his son should show us the same respect I guess, insofar as he should do what he is requested to do. He's not being asked to do anything unreasonable, only helping us out to keep the place tidy. Some parents really seem to be quite lenient these days, and it's not the way I was brought up!! Otherwise it just seems as though they're having free reign and not really doing anything for the privilege.

Hi struggling .... I have no experience about teenagers as my DS is only 3 but I do agree with you here. When we were teenagers my brothers and sister and I had to go with house rules and we did ... no matter how grumpy or teenagerish we might have been. We respected our parents in those days didn't we?
Also, I kind of disagree with suedonim (although I know she has loads of experience with teenagers) on the telephone front. My parents always expected to be asked if I wanted to use the phone ... they never said no ... it was again a respect thing ... and my dad paid the bill after all. I would never use the phone in someone's house without asking them first ... and it was never demeaning to me that I had to ask my parents ... I am a bit confused about that suedonim ...
I do know someone who solved that problem with her teenage daughter by getting a second line installed ... telling the daughter that now she could use the phone as much as she liked but she would have to pay the bill .... the girl was delighted that she could use the phone as much as she wanted ... until she got the first months bill .... she then seriously thought about how much time she phoned people!!!! It taught her a lesson and after that her parents helped out a bit with the bill ...
This must be so hard for you and I wish that I could help ...
I am cherishing my sons childhood as I am dreading the teenage years ....
Thinking of you ....... {{{}}}

Just on the phone front...I can understand what you are saying Ghosty about the respect thing, but I'm with sue on this one. I think that it is demeaning to a teenager, my sister is 17 and would be very upset if she were expected to ask. Yes the parents pay the bill, but they also buy the food, you wouldn't expect them to ask before getting something out of the fridge.

Oh course I don't think it would be unreasonable to set limits, as sue said, on the phone use.

Stuggling, the way you describe it, its not the mess in his room you have a problem with, but the visibility of it, is that right? Its a sad but true fact that teenagers simply don't have the same priorities. I think that it is totally reasonable to expect hom to tidy his room, but his standards are going to be radically different from yours and as such he may not get why you are bothered by this.

I would persevere with the tasks you are asking, but teenagers need alot of nagging. Try not to lose you temper but talk to him. Let him know that you feel this is reasonable, and if he doesn't agree you're going to have to find some middle ground.

My friend is a psychologist and told me that teenagers and toddlers actually have pretty similar psychological make up. They are both at a stage where they are trying to assert themselves as an identity separate from their parents (or step parents). Its a time of growing independence for both, of fustration and sometimes resenting the parent for actually still being needed as much as they are.

How old is your ss? You say that you think that your DH isn't as bothered because of the real parent relationship, but unless you are really having problems with being a step parent, it may be more that you are unsure of what to expect of a teenager as opposed to a young child. You'll probably end up tearing your hair out when you own little one reaches the dreaded teenage years.

That's what I mean about having to decide what is important and what's not, Struggling. I think it would help to sit down and set out some guidlines. Ask SS whether he thinks the household tasks he is given are fair. If not, why not? Listen to his reasons. Maybe he hates putting out the rubbish but he'd love to clean the bathroom or do the ironing(!) or cook the tea or bath your child, instead. You'd be surpised at what they are willing to contribute, especially if you present it as 'we're all in this together' rather than 'us against you'.

Re his room, you can present it as a choice. He can keep his room tidy, with the door open, or untidy but with the door closed. Or install a thin, loose muslin-type door curtain that screens the room but means the door can stay open. Put the choice back onto him, because I think it helps relations if they feel they have some control.

I must admit, dh and I are pretty liberal in many ways and don't set much store on things like respect, at least, not as a one way road. We both had enough of that in our upbringings (my mother, his father)and it just alienated us. (But I suppose it depends on what one means by 'respect', too.) I guess, to use a modern phrase, we don't sweat the small stuff' with our children. I know people worry that if their children don't adhere to the rules as teenagers they'll go off the rails as adults, but ime and that of my friends, that simply hasn't happened. My oldest DS is 28 and I was just commenting to someone last night that it's funny how he and all his group of old school friends have matured into sober upright, married-with-a-mortgage type citizens!!

Pie, yes, that's just what I mean about the phone. In our house, it's for family use, as much as the food in the fridge and the water in the tap. Mind you, we didn't have a phone when I was a teenager, so I didn't have a precedent to follow!

That's very interesting about the toddler/teen view. I went through the independence thing with Ds2. He was a severe asthmatic, very, very dependent on us until he was 17, when it became much better. He became very secretive and cool towards me (not with DH or siblings, just me) which was very hurtful. But my mum, (who isn't known for her sympathy on such subjects!) very percipiently said one day that Ds2 had suddenly been released from the bonds of needing me physically and was flexing his wings while I, apparently, was a reminder of the bad old days! I realised she was spot-on and although it still hurt, it made me understand why ds2 was doing this. It wasn't merely to hurt me; I was collateral damage, if you like, as he explored this new life. He's now 23, we get on pretty well and he's been a rock to us over this past year while we have had a number of upheavals in our life.

Suedonim and pie, I agree with Ghosty on the phone issue - I feel that the phone is a privilege (and quite an expensive one) whereas food is a necessity. Teenagers can run up big phone bills if they have unlimited use of it, whereas you and I are more conscious of the cost, and would probably be much more discerning about how much we use it. I just don't think it's fair that teenagers use it to their hearts' content when someone else is paying the bills, that's all.

Pie - even when I lived at home, I didn't just take whatever I wanted from the fridge either!! Sure if I wanted to make myself a cheese sandwich or something, then I could go ahead and do it, but I couldn't just use anything I wanted in case my mother was saving it for something else. You know what I mean, things like cake or biscuits or other more expensive items of food. I would be horrified if there was a plate of food in the fridge that I wanted to use, and then ss just decided to eat it without asking me. He always asks if he can have, say the leftover pizza from the night before, and 99% of the time I say yes, but I DO think he should ask me, because someone else may also want it. I really don't understand teenagers being able to help themselves to everything!! Sorry.

Suedonim it's a nice thought that ss just may be willing to do the ironing or clean the toilet for me, but I think hell would have to freeze over first.

Struggling, I really feel for you, and I know from personal expreience that's it's simply NOT the same when it's stepchildren, at least for most people. There are so many other stresses and strains compared with biological children that it's not really possible to generalise. They usually have another (primary) home, for one thing, and that can't help but make them seem a bit like guests when they are staying (I'm not saying this is right, just being realistic about how a lot of us feel deep down). It is very difficult to have to suddenly keep adapting to food vanishing and not being able to use the phone when it's just every now and again.
Struggling, all I can say is it does get better, and the end is in sight if your ss is due to finish school. I love my stepchildren and have a very close relationship with them now, but boy was it tough when they were teenagers. Chin up, it will pass!

struggling, I have to say I agree with suedonim - not from your ss's point of view but from yours. Clearly it's making you miserable trying to enforce rules that he isn't obeying. What's the worst that can happen if you let him use the phone when he wants and leave his room a tip. It's time to step back and say this is not my problem, put up a bead curtain, squirt in some air freshener every now and then and let things slide for a few years until he leaves home. Focus on your little one, take some me-time out for yourself and say to yourself "this, like everything else, will pass" (just call me hippy). Best of luck.

I'm not sure what you mean about SS keeping his room tidy 'out of respect' for you, Struggling? Surely it is his room, he's almost an adult and and can keep it as he wants, within reason?

Tbh, I don't think teaching teens to do things has much influence on how they cope when they leave home. Sure, they should know basic cooking, cleaning and so on but it isn't rocket science and they'll manage. And if not - well, Quentin Crisp said the dust doesn't get any thicker after 7 years! Have you actually asked your SS what he would be prepared to do around the house? You might be surprised. Ds2 is pretty fanatical about tidying up. If I leave it long enough he cracks and does it for me.

Iswym about the phone but we've never had a huge phone bill even though we're on our third teenager. We were prepared to trust them and yes, the bills have sometimes been higher, but never dramatically so. Nowadays, I think you have to accept that phoning is part of their social life. I also see your POV about the food issue. Certainly, I'd be cross if a plate of smoked salmon disappeared but in general mine know what is needed for meals and what is there for them to consume. I do ask to be told if they eat the last of something, bread, cereal or whatever, so it can be replaced.

Hello struggling,
99.9% of teenagers are the same. They live in a pigsty, take advantage of the phone and generally don't listen to a word you say. I have 3 teenage dd's (one has left home) and their room is like the local tip (no sorry the tip is cleaner). When I ask them to tidy their room I usually find them doing make-up and experimenting with their hair with the cd player on playing cr*p. They do my head right in. When it comes to pocket money day though they soon shift their bums into gear and get their room spotless.Coz if they didn't they would get no money.
Phone I know the score there. I got the phone bar service put on when we got a bill through the door for over £200 and with 5 pages of mysterious mobile numbers. I dont mind them using the phone but all they have to do is ask and let me know if it is a mobile phone they are calling. I mean they have there own mobiles for goodness sake but the excuse was they wanted to save their credit. Charming.

I also have 2 teenage stepsons. They dont live with us but when they call I feel very uneasy. It is not that I dislike them but they have caused all sorts of trouble for my dp and I through their mothers influence. We do all get on well most of the time but sometimes there are huge diffulculties. I cannot tolerate their mother (100% bitch)and TBH the eldest stepson acts just like her and looks like her, I have diffulculty bonding with him because of these reasons.He irritates me. My dp understands how I feel as he has seen the hurt they have caused (especially the elder one). You may think I am cruel but I am being honest.

On your issue I dont think you are being unfair at all. It is his space so he should keep it tidyish. As for little jobs ask him like someone else mentioned what he does not mind contributing to the housework.Hope this helps.

Struggling,
I don't think your going to get very far, with him on the tidy room front, teenagers being what they are !!! Perhaps, you could just get him to keep his door closed, who knows he may tidy up eventually when he can't find anything !!!
I remember my room as a teenager, was never very tidy, then when I went to Uni, my friend and I kept our flat so spick and span, my Mum couldn't believe it, she still goes on at me for being TOO house proud, to this day.
As for the phone,if he is making your bills quite high, what if you got an extra line, but only if he'll get himself a little weekend job to pay for it, that way he can have his own privacy and some responsibility as well.
I can understand how you feel unable to force these issues, I'm a step parent myself, and feel very uneasy about telling off my step DD , even though she is only 8yo and I've known her since she was10 months old, I still leave it up to DH.

My dd is 14, and can, in common with others, spend all day on the phone. We have reached a compromise of havign a fully itemisiied bill and I will pay for £10 of calls for her per month. After this she pays, either in cash out of her pocket money or 'in kind' by doing extra jobs around the house, This system has worked very well as she kows that money is very tight. Her room is a cess pit, and most of the time I can ignore it but on other occasions it can really get me down. I stopped doing any ironing for her when she was 12 as she was just throwign the ironed clothes on the floor, so now she does all her own irong. The clean clothes are still on the floor and she irons them as she needs them.

hi struggling, i recently read a book called "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". someone on mumsnet recommended it. i found it useful and the communication techniques can be used with teens as well as smaller children.

i wonder if the "house rules" are a way of making you feel more in control of a situation you resent? it was the comment about "respect" that made me ponder this. perhaps it would be worth trying to work out any underlying issues which you are projecting onto the phone use and chores? apologies if i am wide of the mark here, i'm sure it is irritating enough for its own sake.

good luck!

Struggling- you gotta take a chill pill! Really. No wonder you're struggling if your expectations are this stratospheric. Teenagers and tidy rooms are a no-no mixture. Mine was a tip for years and years- just shut the door. Phone- let him use it. If he abuses it and there's a leap in the bill have a word and think again. Better still let dh have a word.

I am gonna go for blunt here- please don't think I'm unsympathetic though, because I'm not- I have no idea how or if I'd cope in your situation. It sounds awfully difficult. However, I'd be very surprised if these sorts of demands didn't make the lad feel resentful and mutinous. He's not lived with you long and he's probably missing his mam or whoever he lived with before immensely as well as having to cope with all usual teenage stuff. Having to negotiate petty little things all the time with someone who's not his mum and finds him irritating can't help. Do you think it's possible that your own completely understandable resentment at having to suddenly incorporate a teenage step-son into your day to day life is leading to you being a bit unreasonable? Do you think you could do with some counselling or maybe some advice from an organisation that advises on blended family issues? It must be so dreadful for you to feel so negative all the time and I would tentatively guess that this is the root of the problem- after all you did say yourself that your step son is pretty easygoing as teenagers go. I've not experienced your situation but I've been full of bubbling resentment because of upsetting situations where I've felt my life was turned upside down and there was nothing I could do. I know that is a horrible horrible feeling and I totally sympathise. Really hope things get better for you all soon.

(Suedonim- yet again you have revealed yourself as a parenting guru. Hope I can put my money where my mouth is a la you when mine hit the teenage years)

bossykate- our posts crossed. I think you said what I tried to say much more concisely!

you said it concisely, that is!

Struggling - I really feel for you but have to echo the majority of comments here - teenagers can be very difficult, very unreasonable and very untidy. I have no personal experience yet but both my SILs have VERY difficult teenagers - not just untidy rooms and phone bills, but very unsociable behaviour - drugs, alcohol, sex etc - they have tried everything to deal with the issues - mostly to no avail unfortunately. In the end the only thing one of my SILs could do (when her DD reached 18) was say 'that's it, I've tried everything .... it's her life she's ruining' - and now my SIL feels more comfortable and less stressed in herself. In some situations there's nothing you can do but remove yourself (emotionally, if not physically) from the 'problem'.

Bossykate, yes I think that's my problem. Definitely. And it may be unfair, but I feel that all the control in my own home has gone out the window. This is not my ideal situation and dh and I have had quite a lot of relationship problems over the years, many of them have been connected with his previous marriage and I went through a lot of hurt with his ex-wife at one point. Doormat's post said a lot of what I also feel, in fact the people with stepchildren who have posted on this thread seem to echo a lot of the things I have experienced myself.

I truly think that people out there who don't have stepchildren really have no clue what it's like. Please don't take offence to this as I'm not meaning to be disrespectful to you, I just know that when it's your OWN teenage son or daughter, you may just be able to deal a lot better with the crappy teenage behaviour, than when it's a child of an ex-partner and you have no real bond with them - not like you have with your own child. It's very very different.

Dh and his ex-wife also come from vastly different backgrounds and there is just no comparison in the way they live their lives - it is not a criticism, but if someone can just understand where I'm coming from - dh has worked extremely hard (and myself too for that matter) to have what we now have. We've been together a long time and hold similar ideas about what we want and how we like our home to be. DH's ex, on the other hand, (as much as I now like her)chose not to work for about 12 years after dh left, has a habit of staying out all night on a regular basis and her entire house is often a tip. Her whole extended family pretty much lives the same way, and they think nothing of living on government benefits rather than working. Do you see what I mean about ss coming from somewhere like that into our home, which is so vastly different? Dh feels that because ss is living with us now, he should understand that things are different in our house and he can't live the same way he did at his mother's place. While it may be hard for him, I don't see how this can be unreasonable. At least when my own child goes through teenage hell in a few short years, it will at least be my own child and I'll have to handle it accordingly.

Sorry for the rambling but it really is a very difficult situation to be in, and from my experience it would probably take a saint to handle the whole thing properly with no underlying feelings attached.

struggeling i agree with you in that he needs to show respect. as long as you know in your heart your not expecting more from him than you would your own child and if your easy with your concience then go for it - does he not have a moby? would have thought so at his age - then let him buy credit or it and use that - i dont think its that unreasonable for a 17 yr old to realise that there is no fkin money tree in the back garden - my children aged 10 and 13 ask to use the phone - its respect - its my bloody phone i pay the bill!
re tidy rooms - its probably gonna happen in the way you would like - how about threatening a nice voil in a fuchia colour ( that you "pretend" saw down the shops on sale!) to hide the mess - either that or tidy it - maybe he could change rooms with your toddler if your toddlers room is more out of the way - and maybe that suggestion maybe horible to the teenager if he has to live with "baby room" becuase he cant keep current bedroom tidy.

the other suggestion i have which worked for me is - fill the space. in my teenagers room which he shares with younger bro, we put an old massive sofa in there - they love it, their mates can sit on it and there is literally one foot between that and the bed and no room for the pile of crap which used to cover the carpet ( that was in there somewhere promise) but is under the bed now ! hey am trying. - i know very

and at 17 i would have no hesitation in asking help with household chores - simple rules which apply to everyone - im my house these are - use a plate or cup and wash it afterwards.
this is a good one - i dont cook on weekends! - friday night is either take away food or something a 10 yr old can microwave! - remembering they wash their own plates n stuff
someone washes remainder pots someone empties the bin and someone sweeps kitchen floor - this is standard.

now if you think it is something you would ask your own son to do when he is 17 then ask your step son , personally i would want him earning some money whether he is in school or not - paperround, saturday job etc
my 13 yr old has a job - and gives us th money for his holiday spends which we have converted already into euros for him so he can count it but not spend it!
anyway am ramblin - sorry!

BK thought your post was vez insightful. will you be my shrink?

Custardo thank you for your message. In my heart I know that I would also expect my own child to make an effort to keep their bedroom tidy and to help with household chores. Yes, ss does have a mobile phone, but uses our phone when he's here. I asked dh to at least make sure that ss isn't making long distance calls (or a lot of mobile phone calls) from our phone, hence running up the bills. DH cares about it sometimes and doesn't really care other times (depending on what mood he's in) so that's a bit frustrating too.

I agree with you custardo that it would have been nice if he'd had some sort of a part-time job too, as we are paying good money for him to attend a private school and are also having to give him spending money. I think he should at least have to 'earn' some of this spending money and I would expect the same from my own child, without a doubt. My income, when I was working full-time, also used to help with the child support payments to his ex-wife, as we just pooled our income and paid all the bills out of it. So.... after all this time, I don't think that what I'm expecting of ss is unreasonable. It seems that others find it a bit too harsh though...

Perhaps what is not entirely fair to ss is the underlying frustration that I am feeling, but at the same time I think it's understandable. I've been trying my best to work at it, and I have some successful days (when we get along well) and some not so successful days, when he can probably sense my irritation. As I said in my last post - people who handle stepparenting without a hitch, are saints in my eyes and deserve a medal.

I'm very lucky with my dsd, she's extremely polite etc though still very untidy! Found almost all her clothes in a pile on the floor this am. However, I do totally agree with BK that in associating his keeping his room tidy with 'respect' for you, you are confusing two completely different issues. He isn't making it untidy to get at you, it's just what teenagers do. My room was horrific! I'm still not tidy or organised but my life is fine. If you hate the view of his bedroom, then maybe you could just shut the door and pretend it doesn't exist! Frankly, I'd find a permanently shut door more worrying. At least you know he's not doing anything really damaging - drinking vodka, smoking, drugs etc or else that room would be very much off bounds to you. As for the phone, well, my dsd usually asks and I usually tell her not to ask as she has every right to use it! We are all one family in my view and so the phone belongs to all of us. I obviously expect that she doesn't ring Australia and chat for two hours, but this hasn't happened and I don't anticipate it happening. For me this is quite a big issue at home because as a kid my dad rationed the phone very strictly (he even installed a payphone!) and I think it was a control thing. I was a shy teenager who found talking on the phone the best way to communicate and I really found this incredibly hurtful and isolating. I'm not saying you are doing the same thing, but the phone does mean a lot to teenagers - it's a real lifeline or was for me. Maybe it would help to actually sit down with him and ideally his dad and talk through a few issues and explain what you would like to happen and maybe ask him to explain what he would like to be different too. He's a big boy now! I do understand that your own child will always feel different to a stepchild - the intense bond isn't there for most of us - but I think it is important to work on the positives (your ds has a big sibling who can play with him) rather than the negatives. I try to encourage interaction between ds and dsd as that makes me feel so much closer to her. When she's teaching ds John Travolta-style disco moves it's just fantastic, and he worships her. That makes it easier for me to feel we are all one family. It also sounds like you don't get a lot of support or communication on this issue from your dh and I think a sit down talk about this could help too.

Struggling Just read your replies and understand the situation a bit more. At the end of the day it is YOUR home and your dh's. Please dont anyone get on my back here but the way I see it through the postings is that you and dh have worked extremely hard for everything and now you have welcomed stepson in and given him a better chance of life (ie private school). IMO he should be a bit more grateful and not mind helping out with household chores. But teenagers will be teenagers I am afraid. You and your dh need to start setting some house rules as other mumsnetters have said and stick to them. Work out a situation that is best for the both of you. You mentioned spending money, well dont give it to him unless his chores are done. Let him earn it. The part time job is also a good idea. Let him appreciate the value of earning money, something his background suggests he has no idea of.

My dp is so slack when it comes to his own children from prev. My dp took on my 4 children from prev relationship. I have always had house rules set in place. One thing I will mention though is that eldest stepson was caught robbing a car stereo and setting fires to a church. When my dp was told he politely told him do not do that again.This was in front of 2 of my children. If it was my children they would of been grounded with pocket money stopped, probably with a clip across the earhole.After he left I told dp that if my 2 children were caught doing the same thing as stepson he was to only tell them what he told his own son. He was gobsmacked and did not like it at all but IMO if he cannot chastise his own son he cannot chastise mine. Sorry about the rant but I find this thread very therapeutic and I am getting alot of hurt out. I hope you dont mind.