Struggling with being a stepparent

[struggling]

Hi... I am feeling a little low at the moment and feel I need to get some things into perspective. I have a teenage stepson who is due to finish school this year, and he is currently staying with us. I also have a young child of my own who is going through all those difficult pre-school phases of whining, having tantrums, being willful and stubborn, etc etc etc (need I say more?). So I suppose I am feeling a bit pressured by my circumstances and I am not really enjoying having ss around for so much of the time - it makes me feel as though I don't have enough 'space'. He is generally not bad and can be quite pleasant (I have known much worse teenagers) but find that little things are starting to irritate me, like if he makes phone calls without asking or if he has to be asked several times to do something. I'm sure it doesn't bother dh nearly as much as me, because he is his real father - but I don't know how to overcome my negative feelings about the whole thing. Dh and I also have times when we don't get on, and this seems to be magnified due to his son being around. I want to try to be accommodating to ss but inside I feel so uptight a lot of the time. Don't know if anyone can help but it's just getting me down... thank you.

I must say I disagree that a stepchild should be more grateful than any other child- he's only a stepchild to one partner, he's a flesh and blood child to the other. I am a stepmum and would be horrified to think my stepdaughter should be more grateful for things than my son - I do hope I have completely misunderstood you Doormat. House rules are all very well, but I also think family happiness applies to all members of the family, and compromise is very good value to learn and teach. If this boy has come from a completely different background I think there has to be some compromise when he comes to live with his father and totally different things are expected of him. I'm truly not saying that struggling is being cruel or nasty or anything like that, but it does seem to me that being just a little more relaxed might pay huge dividends in family happiness. When you marry someone with previous children I think you have to consider them your family too. You might not love them in the same way, but they are still your family and you do owe them.

Hello struggling, not sure how much of your post below is directed to me, but just wanted to add a few points.

First of all, I do not think you are being unreasonable in wanting to have a few house rules around tidiness, phone usage or just general helping out with the chores. OTOH, untidiness and long telephone conversations seem to be the classic bugbears of the teenage years in the same way that tantrums and picky eating are the cliche "problems" of toddler-dom.

Also, taking on a teenage step-child is not a situation I would relish either, I think it must be incredibly hard.

However, since the situation is making you unhappy, I thought it might be worth looking at angles that could help you feel better about it. I did wonder there might be a sub-text along the lines of "Please keep your room tidy [it's the least you can do after all I do for you with no thanks from your father!]"

Perhaps if you got more acknowledgement of the efforts you are putting in from your dh you might find the specific issues you mention become less of a flash-point. Perhaps this doesn't apply at all and I should stop playing amateur psychologist!

Do have a look at How to Talk so Kids will Listen . There are lots of "tools" to deal with problem behaviour from kids of all ages - I think it makes sense anyway! And can be applied to adults too...

Good luck, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation.

Bossykate, once again, very insightful. I had to laugh at "Please keep your room tidy [it's the least you can do after all I do for you with no thanks from your father!]" because hey, it's probably true. Thanks for the link too, I'll have a look at it.

Aloha, I have to explain that we went through a pretty 'rough' patch when ss first came to stay with us. His attitude was pretty attrocious and he would often go around scowling and refusing to acknowledge us. If dh wanted ss to do something, more often than not they would end up in an argument and he could be very rude when he wanted to. I know this is pretty common for teenagers too, but it was SO constant. You might think this next point is petty, but I certainly didn't. Ss came home one day, it was hot outside and he'd been riding a bike or something, only wearing a pair of shorts and was covered in sweat. He then laid on the lounge, completely sweaty with no shirt on. DH told him to at least put a shirt on if he was going to lie on the couch with sweat all over him - ss refused, dh went and got one of ss' t-shirts from his bedroom and asked him nicely to put it on, ss refused again and threw the shirt back into his bedroom, then defiantly went and laid back on the couch again. DH lost his patience at that point and by this stage, I was starting to get pretty upset at the way he treated everything. It was just an on-going battle of wills, and I suppose that the attitude I now have, is as a result of going through all this crap with ss in the first place.

Things have improved recently and his attitude is better, but that is what I meant about respect - just knowing what we expect of him (not having to be told over and over and over and over) and finding some mutual ground. I'm not expecting him to be perfect and I make an effort to have a decent relationship with him, but it's also my opinion that he can 'slum' it as much as likes when he moves into his OWN place - and I'm sure he will!!!!!!! But not in our home.

As far as doormat's comment on being grateful, I don't think she meant he should be any more grateful than my own child - just grateful in general I guess, for what we try to do for him. But from my own experience, I don't think I felt that gratitude towards my parents until I was much older and realised what things were like for them. Anyway I will just have to hope for the best and try really hard to have more patience, but it is not easy sometimes... (gripe gripe). It does really help to talk about this though, so thank you all for your input.

aloha I do agree with you in some ways. Maybe thankful rather than grateful should of been used. I have known my stepchildren from birth. I got with my dp when they were 6 and 8. In my own experience I have treated them the same as my own children except for I have never told them off or punished them. I have not been allowed to as it has always been pointed out by ex and dp that they are not my children. To me that is fair enough I have never argued with that.
It seems to me that struggling and her dh are putting every effort in including him in their home. Yes it is his blood son but that gives no excuse for him not to abide by house rules. They seem to be giving him a better start in life. Would he be getting the same creature comforts of struggling and her dp's home if he was to go back to his mother. I suspect not. That is what I mean't about being grateful. That is not to say he should be going around humbly or anything of the sort but be a bit more appreciative of his new situation. It is very hard as you know to take on children from prev relationships and I dont think struggling is asking alot.

Everybodys experience of being a stepparent are different. I admire the positive experiences and all of you I am very happy for that is has worked.In my exprience it has been very bad and I have tried everything.

Struggling, thanx for knowing what I meant I hope I haven't offended anyone on this thread but I must admit it is very good to let the feelings out.

struggling I know exactly what all of this is like because I'm in a similar position. I still get irritated by little things ss does sometimes, and I think their attitude alone is enough to make you see red.

It's hard to get support from dh at times too, he just hops on a plane and goes away for a week and doesn't have to think about it. I find it makes things even harder when his job is so full-on, because he doesn't really want to know about the problems at home..... so a lot of the time I'm trying to deal with dh's attitude as well as ss'. Anyway I'll stop there before I get carried away.

I totally agree with you that people who are able to take on stepparenting and give it their all, are absolute saints.

Sorry to add to the moaning but I have had another tedious weekend with sd. The problem is dh who does everything she asks, the moment she wants to do it at pretty much whatever the cost. It has occurred to me recently that the mother (who has never worked and lives off benefits) shows off by sending sd in Next and Reebok and dh shows off by buying toys etc. Does a child really need a new baseball cap avery week?! It drives me nuts how he is incapable of saying no. It seems to me that he equates love with spending money...
I get left with the jobs he doesn't fancy (don't get me wrong, I enjoy this bit) like homework so it makes me seem like the dragon lady when I insist she does it. If he does deign to do it he gives her the answers before she has finished thinking so she never learns anything anyway! ( Her mother can barely read so we are the only ones who can really help at home.)
My thinking is that the responsibility of being a parent is to ensure that children grow up to be responsible adults, and that our job is to equip tham for that. Doing their homework for them, bowing to every whim and never providing any form of discipline is unacceptable to me.
The last time we had a big blow up about it, he accused me of never trying to help so I asked hime how he would like me to help and he couldn't answer! Eventually he said he wanted to to take sd off his hands some afternnon while he got jobs done for his mum so I arranged for this to happen four times and he has knocked me back every time...
I am particularly cross today because, without consulting me, he arranged to have sd for longer than usual and has taken her off to a theme park for the day, bank holiday Monday and I have been left at home (morning sickness), when I had been looking forward to having a day with him on our own. I wholly object to being of no account the moment sd steps through the door.
Mixed up ranting, I know and I am sorry but I get more and more worried about this now that we have one of our own on the way.

AnnaK some men can be so inconsiderate and I dont blame you for feeling peeved off.
When I first got with ny now dh I had 4 kids from prev. He had 2. My kids would go to there bio-dads for weekend (it only lasted for a few months)and he would bring his kids to stay at mine for the weekend. So it meant I never got a break from the kids. I used to ask dh if he could mind my children during the week so I could see my friends and just basically to give me a break. The answer was always NO THEY ARE YOUR KIDS and then he would bugger off to his mates.
Anyway one weekend I packed my kids off to bio-dad and his kids come down as usual.I got dressed to kill and told him I was going clubbing it.He said "oh lets get a babysitter so I can come with you" which I replied "no they are your kids, you sort them out.
Needless to say he seen his backside coz I buggered off for a change.I had a brilliant time. I never came home till 5am in the morning and I found him on the doorstep waiting for me.
Believe it or not he has never said them words to me again.
Sometimes we have to treat our partners like they treat us for them to get the message.

Doormat, your name doesn't do you justice! I wish I had your courage but I get subjected to a fit of the sulks (minumum 3 days) if I insist on something or we have a big row. Most of the time, it just isn't worth it. I know this is wrong but it is just easier to bottle up the anger and get on with it.

AnnaK thanx for the kind words.

It isnt courage that is needed it is the ability to fight fire with fire

Do unto DH what DH does unto you is my motto (well one of them)
2 wrongs dont make a right but it is fun trying

I have 2 stepson aged 9 and 11, I also have a one year old daughter.

Havng just waved goodbye to the summer holidays for another year all I feel is relief. Don't get me wrong I love the boys dearly but I also get that 'hemmed in', claustraphobic need for space when they are around. I find that I am irritable and a bit of a cow at times TBH. I don't know why this is the case but it seems to be a fairly common theme in the step-parenting world. I know that DH thinks that most of my 'stressing' is unnecessary and he doesn't get why I am bothered so much, if I try to explain it to him we always end up in a row because he feels that I am attacking the kids (which I'm not). I wish I could offer advice on that but really I wish I knew the answer too.

The boys always ask if they can have a drink and also they ask before they help themselves to any food in the house, I would expect that of my daughter so why not of my step-sons? I will also expect all 3 of my kids to ask before they use the phone whether they are 6, 16 or 60 ! I'm not saying that I'd say 'no' but I think it is a matter of respect. I wouldn't just walk into my mum's house and use her phone, and didn't when I lived with her. It doesn't take a second to pop your head around the door and say 'Do you mind if I make a call?'

With regards to the duplicate requests, I had to ask my 11 year old step-son to get up and flush the loo he'd just used 5 times before he actually listened and did it ! It is a constant battle, not just for me but for his father (my DH) too. He is already becoming surly and so I expect I'll be coming to you for advice there ! I would say that no it isn't unreasonable for you to ask that he keeps his areas relatively tidy but I honestly think that it is a 'problem' that every parent, step-parent, foster-parent, carer faces when they have a teenager. I think it's a phase that you'll just have to ride out. Do keep asking him to do the things but please try not to be too disappointed if you find that he hasn't done them.

Sympathy hugs {{{}}}
WSM

i desperately need some help. I am 21 and have been with my boyfriend 28 for ten months. he has a seven year old daughter from a previous relationship. i love them both dearly but last night while we were arguing my boyfriend told me that he would never love me as much or ever find me as important as his daughter. i fell distraught. i have left all my friends to be with him and i dont have any left. depite the fact that he earns more than me i'm buying clothes and stuff for him and his daughter. am i wrong in thinking that he should love me and find me as important as his daughter? would that mean that if i had kids she would be more important than all of us? i really dont know what to do for the best, if i leave him i'll find myself with no friends but if i stay i'm always going to know that i'll never fully be loved. also with him his friends come first to and i really need some help. if anyone has some good advice for me could you please e-mail me on [email protected]

I'll welcome any sort of advice because this is tearing me aprt.

WSM

I have every sympathy with you. I now believe that step-parenting is the hardest thing in the world.

I have a stepson (autistic, 21, living in sheltered accommodation, we don't see him often) and stepdaughter (15, lives about 15 miles away, officially see her every week but...see below), and our son (just 4, adores his half sister)

The arrangement with SD is to see her every saturday, when dh is expected to go and fetch her and take her home afterwards. We have never pressured her to come, always said she can make it less often if she wants or miss the odd week. Just tell us "a couple of days in advance", so we can make plans what to do with ds. When she does come she plays with ds and mucks in around the house, we sometimes go on outings together.

Over the last year she has taken to cancelling very late, usually friday evening. DS is disappointed, but we arrange to do something else with him. We always ask her to give us more notice next time.

4 wks ago we got a text message at 9:15 saturday morning saying "Not coming today, going to stay with friends, back after bank holiday".

DS in tears, as he was just going with daddy to fetch her when message came.

We saw her again last saturday, 2 days before ds's birthday. I asked her if she knew it was his birthday, she said yes. She gave no card, no present, nothing (she professes to love him, never shows direct jealousy).
She never gives her dad a birthday card, or father's day card, despite prompting and the offer of money to buy them from me.

I am getting a bit sick of her selfishness. I have triedto be a friend to her all her life well, since we met when she was 4, (I didn't know her dad during his divorce) but now feel so distanced from her. I know she doesn't regard my feelings at all, and doesn't seem to care about her father much either. We always make the effort to make her feel cared for and loved, and try to buy xmas and birthday presents she will really like. She rarely shows any enthusiasm for them, and sometimes has to be reminded by me to thank her dad (altho' it's usually me who has bought the present).

To add insult to injury my stepson (the autistic one) has managed to buy DS a lovely card, and post it to arrive on time.

Can anyone suggest how I resolve my feelings about stepdaughter. I don't want to hate her, but find her selfishness becoming more difficult. BTW my dh agrees that his daughter's behaviour is unacceptable, but doesn't know what to do about it.

vixen I have some thoughts on your situation but it may be better if I email you.

Briefly it sounds as if your bf is allowing you to do things for him and his daughter, without giving you any real sense of security or commitment in return. To say something like that to you, makes me wonder exactly how deep his feelings are for you - perhaps he is just getting the best of both worlds at the moment. Please think very good & hard about this situation, because if you're going to make a serious commitment to someone, you have to know that they feel the same way as you and will treat you the way you deserve... you shouldn't be second best.

Ideal050882, my message was for you, not for vixen - don't know why I typed in the wrong name.

easy I think as your sd gets older she is wanting to do her own thing with her mates etc.Looking at the situation from her eyes, she might find it quite boring being stuck with "two oldies and a little one" on a Saturday.She can also be out doing better things like hanging around her mates, chasing lads, shopping etc.Saying that, it is no excuse for her not to give you advance warning that she is not coming to visit.
I would personally not let yourselves worry about the situation as she will come around when she grows out of these teenage angst years.She is growing up and trying to control her own life and unfortunately it is upsetting your ds. I would in future plan days out on Saturday with your ds and dh, if your sd wants to come along that is her decision but ask her to call down to your house for a certain time otherwise if she is not there you will be going without her. If she is old enough "in her eyes" to plan her own life IMO she is old enough to use public transport instead of daddy running backwards and forwards.
As for the presents issue. If I was in your position I would give her gift vouchers to spend as she likes, also with the reply to her that she does not seem to like what you get her so she can pick and choose what she wants.I would make that point clear to her.

Ideal
Uncertain has said it all. You need to think long and hare re your situation. You never need to be second best to anyone.You deserve more than that.Cyberhugs coming your way.

Mind you there is a thread who do you love most -your children or partner. I think we all have the capacity to love both equally but with a different kind of love.

Easy,
I would agree with what Doormat has said, your step DD proberbly has more important things she wants to do.
We are getting to that stage with my step DD, and she is only 9yo. She often wants to be with friends on a Saturday, and has started having sleep overs, etc. She often rings on the day to change arrangements, we have been very flexible and will just swap days, or make other arrangements. She knows she is welcome here at any time, and we don't want her to miss out on social things with friends, because she feels she HAS to spend time with us, we would rather she came, because she wants to see us.

I can understand your DS getting upset when she cancels, I have DS twins of 4yo, who also feel the same when step DD makes other arrangements, but isn't that what happens in "normal" families, when much younger brothers or sisters, get passed over for a far more interesting social engagement, that they can't go along to !!!!!

I'd say just become more relaxed about it all and don't take it too personally, she's just a normal teenager.

easy sorry just read the 15 miles away.

Ideal, why don't you have any friends left? Is it because he doesn't like them or because they don't like him? This is ringing huge alarm bells with me. Often controlling men like to isolate women from their friends and family so they feel they have nowhere to go and have to stay in the relationship, and then do things which drag them down and destroy their self-esteem. Your boyfriend sounds like he might be one of these men, and if you stay with him things might get worse rather than better. It is great that he loves his daughter but awful IMO that he uses it against you.

Hi Ideal

Taking on the responsibility of other people's children and becoming a step parents is a huge thing - and my own personal experience was pretty fraught and involved a lot of self-doubt and emotional turmoil - the last thing I would have needed is for my bf to turn around and say to me what yours said to you. Whether it was in the heat of the moment of not, What he said is totally unacceptable and hurtful, and makes me wonder whether he appreciates how accepting of the situation you have been. Do you have her with you full time, or just weekends? If it's permanantly then the prssure on you is huge, as you have no time to yourselves in what is a very new relationship.

And do you mean you have no friends because you've moved to a new area to be with your bf? This doesn't have to mean you can't still turn to your friends for help and support, or that it is necessarily impossible to make new friends. But I do know that it is very hard for friends who havent' been in our situation to fully understand how hard it can be.

As a step parents I think it's really imposrtant to make time for yourself away from the ready made family. So try to get involved with social activities with work colleagues - anything so your life is still yours!

Let us know how things are now - but personally I would expect him to have appologised and begged your forgiveness for what he's said and is making desperate attepmts to make ammends. If not then he's bit of a s**t, and needs a good talking to from some of us on this board who know the difficulties life brings and the sacrifices we make to be with a man with a ready made family in tow

Ideal

I too am 21 and step-parent of 2 (9 & 11), mother of 1 (13 months) and wife of 1 (35). I had to think long and hard about making the move to be with DH in the long term, as I knew that I would be taking on 3, not just one. If every parent was asked 'who do you love the most?' by a partner they had only been with for 10 months they would almost certainly say their child was more important to them. That is the harsh reality of parenthood and step-parenthood, so I really don't think that we can blame him for stating that, though I know that it feels terrible to hear it. When DH and I got together I knew that his kids would always come first above me, and to be honest that is how I expected it.

With regards to any kids you and he may have in the future.... A few years down the line, dh & i are married and have a daughter. I don't feel that his sons are any more important to him than our daughter is, though I would always expect him to choose all 3 over me.

I do think that your situation sounds very different to mine with regards to the control your DP seems to have over you. I am assuming that he has isolated you from your friends and is asking you to pay for the clothing etc ? This is WRONG. Please, please, think seriously about this relationship. I know that you love him but is it really worth staying with someone who makes you feel this way for the rest of your life ? It has only been 10 months, how will 10 years feel ? You must think long term, Ideal.

Hi, i'm glad i have finnally found a site to do with step-parenting. I was going to mention what me and dh have suffered for the past 4 yrs of being together with regard to what step-son has done but was called out of the living room by dh cause we could smell my nail varnish eminating from the bathroom where i have put my make-up bag temporaroly. ss has been in bed for 2 hours as tomorrow is last day at school for summer hols. He had taken my nail varnish into his bedroom and been playing at painting all different parts of his bedroom and toys. This is just a little of the things he has done in his short life to strain the relationship between me and his dad. He has climbed on the toilet and sink in the bathroom to get a cup to sneek a drink after he has gone to bed, taken his sister's drink after i have left the room, tried to strangle his sister, hit her over the head with numerous toys, stolen things out of shops, these are just the things we can remember. I feel more stressed with regards to ss then husband does, maybe because he is his son and it doesn't affect him the same. But i get really stressed at times, just can't explain the feelings probably but ......does anyone understand?