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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I just don't like my stepson

67 replies

windmilltimestwo · 14/03/2009 14:20

Suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest....it makes me feel an awful person and also really sad but I just don't like him - he's spoilt and demanding and rude and grumpy.
I would imagine I could cope with/tolerate/overlook all of those things (though often feel quite powerless as a step-parent to work at behaviour change) if I actually enjoyed his company but I rarely, if ever, get any pleasure out of being with him.
His behaviour/attitude doesn't endear me to him of course but the basic fact is that I just don't find him a charming or interesting child at all (he's 12 but i've felt like this for the 4 years I've known him really so it's not just an'approaching teenage-hood' thing.)
Sigh...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Coldtits · 15/03/2009 00:04

what 'poor children'?

Who is hurting these children?

Who is saying "I hate my stepkids and every time I see them, I want them to be so scared they run off into their rooms"

Do you know what I think, Marie?

I think your guilt at allowing such a bad man into your children's life is causing you a lot of pain, and you're ;lashing out at anyone who even LOOKS like they could put another child in the same position you put yours in.

The OP isn't doing that though.

marie1979 · 15/03/2009 00:07

er think that was an error wot u think i liein about having kids if not why question must be really important thankyou.think you need to get back to givin advice and stop attackin me

marie1979 · 15/03/2009 00:09

think you need to read some of the threads and yes they are not all but some and what the fuck are u sayin about my son!

marie1979 · 15/03/2009 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Coldtits · 15/03/2009 00:15

Good grief.

purpleduck · 15/03/2009 00:42

Windmills
This is what I do when I don't like someone, or I am very upset by them

I try to imagine them, and I try to imagine that I am sending them love. Then I try to imagine what it is like for them - take myself and my feelings right out of the equation, and imagine their life - things that are hard for them etc. If i am having trouble, I imagine them as a baby.

I know, its a bit....um, out there, but it really really works.
I used to do meditation, and we would send people "unconditional love and kindness" before each session, and it is amazing how much better you feel about everything.

I am not judging at all, but if you heard about another child whose step parent doesn't like him, you would feel for him. Could you take yourself out of it, and try and direct that feeling toward your step son?

JJsandcat · 15/03/2009 14:45

I actually heard about this, purpleduck. Initially you picture a person opposite you who you get on well and like and you send him/her "good vibes", thinking positive things, sending love to them.

Once you master this and can visualize the love building up around them you will move on to imagine a person opposite you who you dislike and do the same. It may take longer (obviously), but it can be done.

Apparently it changes your whole energy field and when you see that person you think back of your exercise and your relationship will change.

I think I read it in one of my anger management books

I haven't been able to work it yet though.

purpleduck · 15/03/2009 16:15

I find if you focus on the PERSON, and not their ACTIONS, it is quite easy - and gets easier with practice.

cilantro · 17/03/2009 16:27

I just wanted to say I'm in a similar boat. I know it's tough to fake it. I feel bad because I think my SC may be able to sense my feelings. I have 2 tots and it's hard to treat a SC the same way as your own child-darn near impossible really. You can fake it, yes, but how can you really treat them the same when lots of things you do with your own children come from a deep, loving parental bond? I'm not going to start cuddling my SC (a teenager) and kissing him like I would my own kids, it's just not happening. Does this mean I shouldn't do this with my own kids when he's in the room in case he feels left out? Argh, what do you do?

But it sounds like you are doing everything you can to make it work and even going the extra mile by trying to sort his behaviour. For me it's tough because I feel some resentment over the situation because we're having to put our life on hold to live within a certain radius of my SC. But I know I shouldn't let this show!

mrsjammi · 17/03/2009 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

prettyfly1 · 21/03/2009 23:26

I find it hard to like my ss at times. He is spoilt and yes as an adult I know it is up to me to build the bridges and make it work but finding common ground can be tough. Windmill do you get a chance to take a break from him when he is there. I sometimes find jsut walking the dog for half an hour can really clear my head enough to be a good influence again.

SATCgal · 13/04/2009 22:26

i hear you! i have an 18 year old college drop out living with us full time whose father and gran overindulge. His mum lives 20 minutes away but he is never there because of his crap relationship with her and her husband. I just feel we cannot get a break! It's not that he is that bad, its just that I feel trapped because my husband, four year old and I can never get away because stepson cannot be trusted at home and my husband bends over the other way to be overly inclusive. Step son is moody, techy, and a total slob and overstimulates the little one and does not listen. I feel pissed off and stressed out in my own home and without a say. I hate to winge but feel very alone (and its been 7 years). Ugh!!!!

sunshineisout · 17/04/2009 11:55

Windmill, It sounds like you really are doing your best, as others have said treat him with kindness and hopefully over more time a relationship will develop, and if not a realtionship at least a stable and respectful co existance.
What is the relatinship like with DP ex and her new husband? could the 4 of you get together to discuss acceptable behaviour and discipline? it would be much easier if this is the same in both houses, however i relaise that may be a long shot.
I think you are right not to accept bad behaviour in your home wether that is your own children, step children or neices and nephews who visit.

Similar to what purple duck suggested, occasionally when dp is out i check on dsd sleeping,i try and hold that image of her peacefully sleeping and think of it when she is driving me mad - quite corny i know but it helps me.

marmon · 19/04/2009 19:34

I am feeling so low this evening, I have a dss and i have posted on here before, infact i started the thread " I hate being a stepmother" but tonight i feel as though I have to confess to disliking my stepson.
I really have tried but he is so stand offish with me and its really pissing me off. He wont directly talk to me and when i do talk he averts his eyes and is clearly not listening.

I have been taking the detached approach and have not really seen him much this year and that has been great but my dh picked him up today and as soon as he comes round he creates an atmosphere. His mum and i do not get on but i have had no contact with her for months, so it cant be that. He just seems to really resent me, i can feel it. I know hes the kid and i am the adult but he is nearly 15 and he has a good realtionship with his Mums partner. I dont know just needed to get it off my chest. Should i talk to dh or should I just leave it and except we are never going to really like each other?

fourkids · 19/04/2009 22:39

marmon, I don't have any concrete advice I'm afraid
None of my DCs or SDCs are quite that old yet...but I was 15 once and my immediate thought is that you shouldn't write off your relationship, or accept that you are never going to like each other very much, just yet!
I suspect both my mother AND my step father (and pretty much any other adult around back then!! ) felt like that about me - and I about them!

So, no advice for the short term, but in the medium/long term I'd wait and see what happens as he grows up

ansleyjane · 16/10/2009 20:34

My ss is nine and he isn't rude to me or standoffish or jealous of his new baby brother. I just don't get along with him. He's a loud, ranmbunctious, extrovert. I'm not any of those things. He thinks farting and fat people are funny. We have less than anything in common. And I struggle with feeling like I always want to create more space between us. I have a two year old son who I think the world of and the difference in how I feel about the two couldn't be any greater. I feel like a horrible, horrible person for not being able to get control of how I feel and think kind and loving thoughts about this boy who isn't bad - just irritating.

Tootingbec · 14/12/2009 15:50

Windmilltimestwo

I have written on other threads about not liking a step child. I really really feel for you and I have felt massive guilt over the years for not liking my SD that much at times. I still prefer the times we have without her being with us and that makes me feel awful because my husband misses her so much.

I have found little things have helped me develop a relationship with my SD that feels more loving. These are really simple things like finding a TV programme we both like and watching it together or me offering to style her hair or pick out clothes for a party (she is 10). Admittedly this is easier as we can be "girly" together but hopefully you get my drift.

Don't get me wrong - I am no means the perfect step mother and I get a quiet feeling of satisfaction when my SD behaves badly in front of my husband and he gets an idea of how she can be (he is somewhat blind to her less endearing character traits).

I have found it very comforting to see on these boards that so many step parents struggle to like (let alone love) their step children. However, I think the advice that people have given about people struggling to like their OWN children helps too!

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