I just don't like my stepson

[windmilltimestwo]

Suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest....it makes me feel an awful person and also really sad but I just don't like him - he's spoilt and demanding and rude and grumpy.
I would imagine I could cope with/tolerate/overlook all of those things (though often feel quite powerless as a step-parent to work at behaviour change) if I actually enjoyed his company but I rarely, if ever, get any pleasure out of being with him.
His behaviour/attitude doesn't endear me to him of course but the basic fact is that I just don't find him a charming or interesting child at all (he's 12 but i've felt like this for the 4 years I've known him really so it's not just an'approaching teenage-hood' thing.)
Sigh...

He does get tons of love, reassurance and kindness. From his mum, dad and me (not sure he gets any input from his stepdad though, he seems to be truly emotionally detched!)
I am often the one he confides in about all sorts of things. Of course it's hard to know exactly but I am pretty sure he doesn't realise my feelings - he just thinks I am a battleaxe over behaviour!

i just dont understand how somone can not like or find this child interesting all children need love and understanding yes yes they can be rude but thats part of them growing up like i said i didnt mean to be rude to windmill

Windmilltimestwo

Sounds like you have a difficult balancing act - wanting to build a relationship with your SS without stepping over the line into a parenting role. But finding it hard to genuinely feel close whilst you have these concerns about his behaviour.

You say your DH tries to address it but not cnsistently - what does he think of the situation and have you shared your frustrations with him?

Marie - telling Windmill that "she is a horrible person" was pretty rude.

read my replies i said sorry whats this a witch hunt look it took me all my time to say sorryif u read my replies u will know what i have been through with my ex been controlling and a bully to my son and been so nasty he made him cry he coulnt sleep and i had to get rid of my abusive partner

How old are your daughters and how well do they get on with him? How well does he get on with them?

Marie

No intention to witch hunt. Things must still be very raw.

I just felt defensive for Windmill as step parents often get a real bashing if they're honest enough to talk about any problems.

Got to go but will be back!

like i will say im sorry i just jumped i understand looptheloop but when u have been on the recieving end of a step parent well someone that lived with me its not very nice. my ex used to make my son naughty so i would tell him off and send him to his room and my ex would smile at my son behind my back my ex would call my son names belittle him and call him gay and tell him about things that worry him then laugh at him shout in his face. pick up the remote when my son did and say he was watching someting leave him out all the time my son would spend all day in his room to avoid him and cry himslef to sleep and all my kids looked scared when he walked in the room and loads of other stuff id b here all day i hope people understand why i replied to windmill like i did

like i will say im sorry i just jumped i understand looptheloop but when u have been on the recieving end of a step parent well someone that lived with me its not very nice. my ex used to make my son naughty so i would tell him off and send him to his room and my ex would smile at my son behind my back my ex would call my son names belittle him and call him gay and tell him about things that worry him then laugh at him shout in his face. pick up the remote when my son did and say he was watching someting leave him out all the time my son would spend all day in his room to avoid him and cry himslef to sleep and all my kids looked scared when he walked in the room and loads of other stuff id b here all day i hope people understand why i replied to windmill like i did

Marie - dealing with someone that manipulative must be hard enough in your own right - let alone when they drag your child into it. Sorry for snapping back.

I had a similar situation with my step daughter a few years ago. I believe her behaviour stemmed from the half and half lifestyle she lead. Whilst she got used to it I am sure, she was always on the move, two bedrooms, four sets of grandparents, different houses after school on different days. Her Step Father, stepped back and kind of ignored her, I presume because the tantrums and generally bad behaviour got the better of him. Looking back, I think that made her insecure, and she would come to us all guns blazing, with behaviour her mother couldn't control. My DH wanted her to feel loved so was pretty inconsistent with his discipline, so it was left to me a lot of the time and it was difficult.

I was a step daughter myself, so I know what it feels like. My step father HATED me, I was indeed a cowbag, but he was the adult so I think he should have tried harder. I love my Step father with all my heart now and he loves me, so there's a happy ending for you there. However, being a step daughter myself and the experience of being hated, made me really try with step daughter, but she was a really horrid child. Anyway, I am rambling. My point is, maybe it is the whole situation, the upheaval, the step father, the broken routines, the lack of discipline for many years now that have made him what he is. You do not have to like him, and it sounds like you try really hard and are the adult and are kind to him. All you can do is your best. My Stepfather did not do his best and it all turned out fine and so did I. All children are different, but I would suggest that you can do little to change your step son now. Just do the best you can by him and the chances are he will look back and appreciate it, and he probably will turn out ok. At the end of the day, bad behaviour or no, he is loved and that is what counts.

anyway i finally got rid of him but he wasnt easy to get rid of and my kids are finally smiling again im feeling awful that i brought him into our lives and he never showed this controlling nature befor until he got his feet under the table and he wasnt just controlling with my son he tried with my other two kids and me but anyway were going on holiday soon something we havent done since he was in our lives

V. good post from Bucky, I think we can underestimate just how disruptive having 2 homes is for children. I couldn't handle it and I'm an adult. And something else from her post ocurred to me - perhaps his horrible behaviour is actually a good sign in that he feels able to express a lot of his turmoil with you that he can't do with his v. distant step-father? Children always show their worst side to the people they trust most....

Have you tried doing lots of things with just the two of you? It is difficult. I once went out with someone, for quite a long time, and I found that his DD had been spoilt with material possessions rather than time and she was difficult for me to relate to, she also had too much freedom IMO. I spent a lot of time with just the two of us, doing things that didn't cost money, and in the end we developed a good relationship.

no herbeat that is totally not true my son hated my ex and he also behaved like her stepson

I think you're doing all you can, OP. All you can do for now is fake it with dedication. Maybe over the years love (or even just liking) will sneak up on you.

Or maybe it won't, but there'll still be a bond based on shared history and I guess sometimes that's as good as it gets. Stick at it.

marie I think seeking advice in lone parents might help you more than posting here.

excuse me my dear ur a step parent arent u elenorrigby arent you the one that is jealous of ur bf ex if i remember rightly yes my darling i can b rude to i was on here to see if the way my ex treated my son was backed up by all step parents and i think i have my answer v

Marie - this is Windmills thread that she started to get advice. I am very sorry for your experience and if you want to talk about it you should start your own thread rather than highjack this one. And please stop abusing other posters who are trying to give help otherwise I will report you.

It's really hard OP but there's a school of thought that you should fake it till you feel it - and that sounds like what you are doing, so I take my hat off to you. Other people's children are not easy. I don't particularly like most other people's children, I never was a pram drooler, I just like mine - and he's only 2 so not had much opportunity to piss me off yet!

oh no please dont look mate i am simply explaining my reply im not here to hijack this thread if i wanted to start a thread i would i dont need advice i stick up for my kids

windmill... you sound like a fantastic step parent.
As others have said, you don't have to like dss, just care, listen, respect all of which you are doing.
When I first met my dss, I couldn't stand him. He was just becoming a teen. He was upset, argumentative, hormonal and frequently difficult. I plastered a smile on my face for years and tried my best and actually, now, a very long time later, I really like him, he's interesting, funny, caring and we get on great!~

Marie

Not all step parents are like your ex. Do you really think your reply to ER is fair? Why keep attacking people you don't know?

ok it must b just all the threads im picking out the step parents they all seem to b moaning about these poor children anyway this isnt my thread so i will leave u to it

Marie, step-parents come here to seek help when things are going badly - just as the people who post in "Relationships" are generally having a bad time with their DH/DPs (and sometimes DWs). YOu can hardly expect to find it full of threads extolling the many joys of step-parenting, can you?

Er, how come your profile says you have no children, but are a SAHM?