Am struggling with DP's daughter and feeling very guilty.

[plj]

DP and I have 9 month old twins, and he has a 6yr old from a previous relationship. She spends every other weekend with us and 2 nights during the week. We see her more during the hols. My problem is that she is very 'hands on' with the twins-constantly pulling at them if they are playing on the floor, or trying to shove a dummy in their mouth even if they don't want it. She has managed to tip their buggy a few times, trying to push them to sleep. My heart is in my mouth just about all the time when she is around them.I nearly passed out the other day when I came down from the bathroom to find her trying to pick DS up. DP had nipped out to the back garden for a ciggie. He doesn't seem to think it's an issue. I am becoming so stressed. Any advice?

Have you tried talking to her about it?

What about getting her involved with helping in some way? Helping with nappy changes, fetching sleepsuits, reading to them? Or maybe buy her a new doll that could be her baby?

I don't feel I can talk to her.I don't think she would listen to me. I feel my DP should do it. She does help with nappy changing etc, and because she is such a good reader, we took her shopping to choose books that she could read to them. The problem seems to be when I am not there. DP is far more relaxed about her handling the twins. Maybe I should try and relax about it, but I can't.

Could you buy her a doll for her to 'practice' with? You can sit her down next to you, you feed the twins and have her feed her dolly? She can then 'join in' or is that just lame?

My dd1 used to pull dd2 around the floor by her ankles at this age. dd2 has miracoulsly survived to be 19 months and now gives as good as she gets.

We tried the dolly thing, but she wasn't keen. It did work when the twins were very small, but I think the doll 'novelty' has worn off.

When DS was born, his big brother (my dss) then 8, picked him up out of his moses basket while our heads were turned for a second, my heart too was in my mouth, and me and DP both told him to put baby down at once (said in horrified unison). We explained to him that babies are more fragile, and if he wanted a cuddle, we could bring baby to him and have him on his knee. Never happened again.

As your twins are 9 months they will be more robust now, I would ignore the dummy type issues, they will soon tell her. But you/your DP should explain some saftey rules such as no picking up, or pushing buggy (is this becuse she is small and pulled down on it, tipping it back??). Big up all the things she can and does do, the reading idea sounds lovely so I would build on that side of things.

She pulled the buggy back on top of herself, as she was too small to reach the handles properly. I thought the fright she got would have put an end to it, but it hasn't.
DP and I struggle to reach common ground when it comes to setting ground rules and disciplining her.

I would relax more, they're 9 months old now, hardly newborns so not as much to worry about. Let her get involved and remember that she probably feels a little put out by her dad having 2 new babies. Maybe that's why she's trying to help so much?

I think the first thing that needs to happen is you and DH coming to an agreement on what is acceptable and what is not. Then you both need to sit dsd down and explain the rules to her.

Personally for me when dd2 was 9 months and dd1 four, dd1 was not allowed to push her buggy, not allowed to pick her up, not allowed to pull her around the room by her ankles

I too would ignore the dummy thing and big up what she can do. But remember she is only 6. She doesn't fully understand why she cannot do these things so don't go too hard on her. She is just excited with her step siblings.

I think there is an element of me being too over protective of the twins. I have found building a relationship with DSD quite difficult anyway. I know she adores the twins, and would never intentionally hurt them. Maybe it is just her excitement and enthusiasm to help. I am trying to relax about it, but am finding it very hard.

Sounds like excitement and over enthusiasm Im sure the novelty will wear off shortly.

Can I say that I think every other weekend and 2 nights during the week when you have twins is quite....alot? Dont want this to sound harsh but Im sure youre absolutely shattered arent you?

I am shattered, and I do find it hard that DSD is here so much. I have actually brought this up with DP,and even suggested that he takes her out without the twins when she is here, but he says that she needs to spend as much time with them as possible. It's a tricky situation and at times very very hard.

I think you're right - she needs some one to one time with her Dad. And having some with you might help develop your relationship with her.

The way I look at it is that dd gets dh all to herself for the whole of the time dsd isn't here (she comes every other weekend and half the holidays), so she can take a back seat so to speak when dsd is here.

My dd is 13 now (but I've known her since she was 4) and if she's with us for a school holiday and I feel the emphasis has been a bit too much on dd (5.5) and her activities I will take dsd out on her own. We often go to the cinema to see something that dd is too young to see.

I agree with the importance of quality time alone with dad. Babies really aren't that interesting to a 6 year old, being treated like a big girl and taken out by dad will be much more fun for her. It sounds as though her dad is neglecting her a bit and copping out of his fatherly duties as fathers are sometimes prone to do.
It sounds as though he's also trying to get out of agreeing boundaries for her behaviour with you as well. You'd do it if she was their full biological sister, why should she be exempt from boundaries because she's a half sister?

Part of the problem is that you are still at the first-child stage while your partner has got to the more relaxed second-child stage. Your dsd is not doing something that a biological sibling wouldn't be likely to do. Of course parents of second children have to stop no 1 from hurting them, but it's often easier to feel a bit calmer about it if it is not one's first intense experience of motherhood.

I'd explain gently to your dsd about the frailty of babies- not in a way to make her feel guilty, just as you would show her how to handle a puppy or do a maths problems. Make a few rules. Accept that sometimes she will need an extra eye. Make sure that she does get to handle them under supervision. Let her feel she is grown-up and interesting and is a help to you and ds.

And accept that sometimes she will be jealous of them and want more attention- this is how a full biological sibling would behave.

You are wrong to think that you cannot talk to your DSD about how she should behave around your twins. You have every right and duty as a mother to supervise how your DSD treats her half-siblings and indeed to teach her how to be a good sister.

I have two DSSs and when DD was a baby I did have to intervene quite often when DSS1 was around as he (totally unintentionally) used to frighten her with his overwhelming love and enthusiasm. Perversely, DSS2 who wasn't as keen on her to begin with became her favourite brother (and then he warmed to her).

I guess it is about achieving a balance-allowing her to bond with them but at the same time setting some safe boundaries. Feel very out of my depth as a first time mum sometimes, and definately out of my depth with DSD. It's not all the time. but sometimes it's overwhelming.

I can see this completely from both sides.

I have 7 children and can say that with every single new baby came a new set of hands to 'maul' him/her by way of the older children before them.

The constant touching is normal. However, I know the irritation it produces even with full brothers and sisters - but it is for the most part irrational. My mother (gentle and non-violent )summed up the feeling perfectly once when DC3 was fiddling with DC4's clothing; 'Yes, I can't put my finger on whats so annoying about it, but you want to kick them to high heaven when they won't stop touching the baby'.

She had hit the nail on the head. DC3 wasn't doing anything wrong or anything to threaten the safety of the baby and yet I felt like exploding every time she reached out to touch him. And I honestly didn't know why. I have tried to analyse it, but I can't see why. Loving them all equally (being all my children) though, forced me to have sympathy for the villain and after snapping a few times, I made a huge effort to be more patient in the future.

However, that irritation feeling faded so much more once the babies reached 9 months, it's almost a relief now when someone picks up a crying baby for me. And as another poster said, a 9 month old is nowhere near as vulnerable.

But at the same time as feeling sympathy for you, I feel so sorry for this little girl who wants to touch the babies out of instinct and whose Daddy now has some new babies in his life, when she was the 'baby' before.

My current baby is 6 months old and is the first of the children with a different father. My new husband has an amazing relationship with all the other children but he does fret sometimes when Monty is picked up by the 10 or 6 year olds, whereas I, like your husband, am far more relaxed with it. I think experience has told me that none of mine came to harm in this way before.

I wonder if you can try your hardest to imagine one of your children in your DSD's role. How would you like a stepmum to react to your child? That may help you a little because I know I snapped at mine many a time, but would be mortified if anyone else had spoken to them sharply like that .

It will get better as they get older and hopefully she will become a little helper to you.

And if you have any more, you'll see your twins turn into the mauling monsters too

Have just read last post too and the exhaustion and first time mum thing will definitely be adding to your stress about it too.

Thanks AramintaAlice,

That pretty much sums up how I feel sometimes. It does feel irrational,but I really have to bite my tongue whenever she goes near them. I have snapped a couple of times, and realisd afterwards it was wrong to, but I couldn't help it. I know I need to relax more, and as has been rightly pointed out, the twins are not newborns anymore. I just hope I start to feel better about this, as it does cause arguments with DP.

I know, it's a feeling thats inexplicable. Sometimes you may have a good reason if you feel she'll drop them or something, but sometimes the irritation comes even when the older child is doing something totally harmless like touching their hair for example. I think's it's very normal to feel as you do, I honestly believe you're very tired as caring for one baby is exhausting anyway, let alone two. And most people are very protective of their first babies. I remember feeling like exploding when they passed him around the family as he cried all red faced and hot. But I was far less bothered with the following ones. All these feelings you have will be greatly exaggerated due to those factors.

I know it's hard for you, but the love you have for your babies, your DP will have for his 6 yo too. I feel bad telling you to 'remember' all this before either snapping at DSD or DP because I think you're at a vulnerable point at the moment, all things considered.

I think the most helpful thing is to try and think about fast time goes...the twins will be walking before you realise it and you'll probably feel much better then even. Especially when you see DSD running around with them.

It might help for you to remind yourself that you're a good mum and a good stepmum too, as you can empathise with this little girl and realise that the feeling may sometimes be irrational.

You will feel better about this very soon, I can (almost) promise you.

It must be extremely hard having twins and also a step-daughter to contend with. My 6 year is a pain the arse at the best of times but I can cope with her because she is MINE. I can totally understand how difficult it must be to stay rational whilst you feel like shouting "leave them alone" when she is playing with them in a way you are not happy with and this feeling definitely comes from being a first time mum. We tend to wrap our first born(s) in cotton wool a bit.

As Araminta has said above, your DP will feel the same love for his 6 year old as he will for your twins and he will not want to be getting on her back continually telling her off for what feels very natural to her. I find when I bite at DD1 a lot, her behaviour just gets worse whereas reverse psychology works a treat! The things you say she has done (ie tip the pram over etc) are all normal everyday things that happen in homes where there are older siblings. You definitely need to step back a bit and let her form a relationship with your twins, for everyones sake.

Good luck and it is very tough taking on someone else's child, you sound like you are doing a good job and you will relax more the older your twins get.

Its normal for a 6 year old to want to get involved - she is trying hard to be part of your family - I know it is scarey - we had an emergency trip to the hospital after DD dropped DS when she was 4 after trying to get him out of his crib but thank god everything was fine - unless you leave her with a hot iron she really can't do that much harm!

Sit with them whilst they are playing and show her how to play with them and feed them etc - because you are going to encounter problems later on if you decide that DP has to admonish her instead of you - just do it gently and kindly.

it is hard plj, i have a 1 yo dd and a 5 yo ds, he is constantly trying to hold her or cuddle her or pulling on her clothes, she hates it and shouts at him. I ask him nicely to just leave her to play but it lasts for all of 5 minutes then he's doing it again. I don't think anything of telling him off though as he is my child, I guess I would look more into it if it were my stepchild doing it as there would be some guilt there too, but at the end of the day, they have to know what is ok and what isn't.

Just try to give her a little leeway though, she is just so excited to have some siblings and little girls are like mother hens, my dd loves babies and she's still one herself lol. Your dsd could be the other way and not take any interest in your babies at all, demand all of your attention and generally be naughty, but she isn't, so maybe make the most of it while the novelty is still there. I hope I haven't come across harsh there, it wasn't intended.

My stepkids are 13 and 11, I've been in their lives for over 9 years now and we have had a hard journey along the way xx

Can you get her to help feed them, give them a bottle if they have bottles, change their clothes, give them a bath etc?