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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

If your dh has been married before, does it make any difference to how special you feel your marriage is now.

32 replies

piratecat · 21/11/2008 17:37

Also, did you feel that yuor marriage was any less so becuase he had been married before. As in ok we love each other but he has done this before.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 21/11/2008 17:39

Nah - we both excelled in the dress rehearsal, but this is the one that counts!

Tillyscoutsmum · 21/11/2008 17:41

I suppose its easier for me because we have both been married before and I know mine and DPs rl isn't any less special than mine was with my ex so I assume he is the same. They (and we) split up for a reason and the fact we can both do it all again, knowing how horribly wrong it can all go, just proves imho, that our rl is even more special iyswim ?

Marne · 21/11/2008 17:41

No he makes me feel special and i know he didn't treat her the way he treats me (he was a crap husband first time around). I think he learnt alot the first time around and learnt from his mistakes.

poppy34 · 21/11/2008 17:42

no - our marriage is special. as marne said he lived and learned from his mistakes and its what makes him the man I love

BrownSuga · 21/11/2008 17:48

I feel like it's a bit second handish, but that's from my perspective. we've both been married before, but I don't think about x, whereas i worry DH does as they have a child together, so when we had our first, it didn't feel as special to me, but that could be all in my head of course.

BrownSuga · 21/11/2008 17:48

And I guess I keep wondering, has he really learnt from what went before, or is he repeating the same mistakes.

Anna8888 · 21/11/2008 17:52

I'm not married to my DP who was married to his exW for many years and had two children with him.

I know and am absolutely certain that our relationship is deeper and better and stronger in every way than the relationship he had with his ex - he hasn't "done this before".

snigger · 21/11/2008 17:55

I sometimes think he was so badly hurt there might be a bit of his trust that will never be available to me because she took it.

I waited with baited breath till our third anniversary, when we passed his 'previous' - since then, I know we have new ground he never experienced previously, and that's very special.

Marne · 21/11/2008 17:57

Also dh has 3 children by his ex, our first was still special to dh as it was his first child with me.

BrownSuga · 21/11/2008 17:58

That's a good point snigger, i look foward to our 7th anniversary!

Original poster

piratecat · 21/11/2008 17:59

i guess there are so many many scenarios and everyone is different. For me my marriage was sacred, to me, not him in the end. I just wonder wether I too will ever trust in something being that special again.

My ex has remarried, he is in his early 30's, and tbh I think he hasn't properly dound out what he is about yet. I respect his decision, yet i do wonder about how it feels to be married again.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 21/11/2008 18:02

We've been married more than 10 years now and this has never even crossed my mind. Infact in total we've been together much longer than his previous so maybe that's why.

Original poster

piratecat · 21/11/2008 18:02

Yet i look at overal similarities, that he has in his new relationship, and wonder if he will cock it up again .

My own parents are divorced, and are happy now, so i'm not coming at this from a onesided stance iyswim. My dh baled out on me and my 3 yr old, and found soemone very quickly. it just happened and i know he wasn't looking. Yet i feel as tho i do know him well (together 1o yrs) and I wonder about it all. prob too much. But hey it smarts at times!

OP posts:

mrsout · 21/11/2008 18:03

I didnt feel it in the marriage, but I did when our kids were born. I was a first time mum. He was a second time dad. Was our baby as special to him as his first born with her? But we know what we are getting into when we take up with a divorcee dont we? (!)

tazmosis · 21/11/2008 19:30

No - no my DH was married to his ex for almost 20 years, but I know his last marriage was never as happy as ours is - he was young, got pushed into it and was never completely happy.

BitOfFun · 21/11/2008 21:29

By the way piratecat, I had a great first husband (and a shit live-in partner after that) and we only broke up because of my immaturity. I still think nothing but the best of him, and wish him real happiness. Just because your marriage ended, doesn't mean you will be viewed as an irrelevance - people just need to live in the moment I think x x x

IAteMakkaPakka · 21/11/2008 21:41

DP was married before. Doesn't make any difference. If anything it's better because I have the confidence that he knows what he wants and it's me

ElenorRigby · 22/11/2008 10:52

Hey everyone's entitled to make a mistake. In DP's case the poor bugger made a whopper!

Pinkchampagne · 22/11/2008 11:04

My DP was married before, as was I. Doesn't make any difference at all. Both our marriages ended for a reason (we were both the ones who instigated the separation), and now we have found happiness with each other.

Pinkchampagne · 22/11/2008 11:08

My DP was kind of pushed into his marriage too, as his ex wife was foreign & she would have not been able to stay in the country if they hadn't got married when they did.

TheSeriousOne · 23/11/2008 22:15

My DH has always taken care of his Ex, even though she has behaved terribly.

Makes me 100% sure that my DH is a good egg.

I did make sure our wedding was different though. I wouldn't have wanted to have the same sort of thing.

Goober · 23/11/2008 22:19

No.
I attended his first wedding and saw some of the marriage, it is not a scratch on what we have. First time was 5 years, we have been happily married for 14 1/2 years.

Surfermum · 23/11/2008 22:20

Same here, TSO. They were never married though.

I didn't feel it when I had dd either. The way I saw it was that I knew already what a fantastic dad he was going to be. And I felt very reassured that there was going to be someone in the house who knew what they were doing!

lulurose · 23/11/2008 22:22

My DH has been married before, he has no children by that marriage, it only lasted 18months. He had an awful time and a difficult divorce...we married 2 years after his divorce came through (I didn't know him when he was married to his ex).

I actually feel incredibly secure, he had such a shitty time of it, for him to take that leap of faith again with me, speaks volumes IMO. We have our 6th anniversary at Christmas.

TheSeriousOne · 23/11/2008 22:23

Yes, same, Surfermum - I didn't ever feel bad about having DS. I knew DH would be a great dad. and actually the DSDs were with us.

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