found pictures of ex wife and family

[Dairylea]

First posting - hope you can help! Need objective advice. I have been with my DP for 3 years, v happy and love him v much (and am certain he loves me). He has been married before and has two children, 16 and 10, who I get on with well. Ex is an alcoholic (although only just admitted it). He was a completely committed family man, devastated that the family got broken up as he misses and loves his kids so much. If his ex hadn't hit the bottle, I don't think he would ever have left. But met me and now we are happy although it's tough - money, alimony, divorce etc. He has moved into my tiny flat and while putting something back of his I came across four photos clipped together - three of them with his ex and kids, one of just his DS alone.

Makes me feel that I will always be second best. He knows that having pics of his ex about upsets me. He never keeps pics of me, or even notes I've sent him etc. I know I can't reasonably expect him to chuck all evidence of past life away - but what I can't sort out in my head is whether you are able to ever really get over the past without hankering after it, if you truly loved the person and children. Will I always just be a good thing he found now but not the absolutely number one?

I've still got love letters from boyfrends years ago. I'm surprised some people feel the need to tear up old wedding photos or whatever and pretend past loves didn't exist. If my bloke had never been happy with another woman before he met me I'd be worried about his capacity for happiness.

'He knows that having pics of his ex about upsets me'. You have to embrace him for who he is .... a man who has come from a family with kids he loves. You have to take that on board and stop trying to edge out the inconvenient bits of your man ... tough though that is.

I have a step mother who has always tried to pretend we children don't exist and tried to edge us out of our dad's life. It continues to be a very painful business.

You need to try to embrace his past life or risk losing him/living with his latent resentment.

Dairylea , I did feel a little awkward early on with my Dhs photos of ex wife , however as stepchildren lived with us, they always had photos in their rooms of their mother so I kinda got used to it. I admit it felt strange at first Now 10 years down the line I have a photo of me and exwife posing happily together for a photo at SDs birthdya party !!
Nope , never thought we would get to that stage !
Forget the past he is with you now,

Dp and I have been together for 20 years, but we split in the middle for 2 years. During our time apart he met a lady who was a SO to him; he has kept all the cards and letters she sent him. It hurt when years after we got back together, we moved and I was packing his stuff when I found them. I wanted to burn them or throw them (especially as they mention dd) but in a perverse way I had to keep them, a sort of punishment to me, I suppose.

My H has recently left and there are pictures of us all together all over the house. I really dont know what to do.. I dont want to upset the kids by taking dow photos of their Dad, but they are everywhere!
Interestingly in his new house there is not a single picture that includes me.

Hi Dairylea, photos are just a snapshot of your life -at that time-.The pics you found are of then, not now. You must have loads of old photos (or your parents have them) that you would never get rid of - you in 80's/90's clothes - don't know how old you are? - Anyway - it is sometimes funny/nice to look back at that person you used to be. It doesn't make you want to be that person again, does it?. By analogy, maybe your husband keeps the photos for the same reason - a memento. It doesn't mean he wants to go there again, any more than you want to wear those clothes again.
Give it time - you love him and he loves you. I am in my second marriage - my new husband used to feel as you do. It took time, (can't remember how long, to tell you the truth) but now after 10 years marriage, we look back and laugh at how he used to feel. It may take a while, but yes, that "raw" feeling does go away eventually. fsmile