Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

found pictures of ex wife and family

32 replies

Dairylea · 12/11/2008 09:28

First posting - hope you can help! Need objective advice. I have been with my DP for 3 years, v happy and love him v much (and am certain he loves me). He has been married before and has two children, 16 and 10, who I get on with well. Ex is an alcoholic (although only just admitted it). He was a completely committed family man, devastated that the family got broken up as he misses and loves his kids so much. If his ex hadn't hit the bottle, I don't think he would ever have left. But met me and now we are happy although it's tough - money, alimony, divorce etc. He has moved into my tiny flat and while putting something back of his I came across four photos clipped together - three of them with his ex and kids, one of just his DS alone.

Makes me feel that I will always be second best. He knows that having pics of his ex about upsets me. He never keeps pics of me, or even notes I've sent him etc. I know I can't reasonably expect him to chuck all evidence of past life away - but what I can't sort out in my head is whether you are able to ever really get over the past without hankering after it, if you truly loved the person and children. Will I always just be a good thing he found now but not the absolutely number one?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 12/11/2008 09:32

THere's no such thing as 'The One' for anyone. He's with you now, and happier than he was dealing with an alcoholic but of course he still has fond memories of his XP before she turned into a pisshead.
Leave it alone. Stop snooping ('putting something back', yeah right). Accept that he not only has a past but he has a right to his past and to happy memories as well as sad ones.

4andnotout · 12/11/2008 09:40

My MIL has a boxfull of photos of dp's previous girlfriends and wives, she like's nothing better than to show our children the pictures of daddy marrying someone else At first i was very jealous and it upset me but now i realise that it is me he is with and that of course he has a past but they split up for a reason!

Littlefish · 12/11/2008 09:41

My dh has lots of pictures of his ex. They were together for about 8 years and split up when she moved abroad.

He was very much in love with her, and very hurt when she moved away. He still has lots of fond memories of her and the time they spent together.

The point is that she has gone now, and we are together. He's not going back to her just because he keeps a few photos of her.

In your case, she is the mother of his children and of course there are going to be remaining emotions, both happy and sad which he wants to remember.

It's not like he's putting the photos up in a big frame on the wall, is it .

You're probably in a better position than I am tbh - I live in the house that they bought together, and until recently, was still sleeping in the bed they bought together!!!! That did seem weird for a while, but I just took a deep breath and got on with it. We are both adults with past relationships.

Original poster
Dairylea · 12/11/2008 10:06

Thank you! I promise I really wasn't snooping!! We're in such a tiny flat that there is little room for privacy. (Plus I did once snoop before and learnt my lesson then...so I know better than to do it again, that's why it was such a shocker). And you're right - it's memories. I should know better - used to get cross with my own stepmother for being jealous of a past that is now over and she wasn't around then, so it's not like anything could have been done differently. Thanks for making me feel better - I won't say anything to him.

What a nice community - didn't realise I could be made to feel so much better so quickly. Should have come on here before!

OP posts:
nailpolish · 12/11/2008 10:08

if this happened to me - i wuold mention to my dh that i had seen the photos - and that it was ok with me that he had them in the house

Original poster
Dairylea · 12/11/2008 10:13

You're right - that would be the sensible and mature thing to do....I will try to do that.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 12/11/2008 10:14

The other thing is Dairylea that he probably doesn't feel that he needs to keep notes from you because he sees you every day!

Glad you feel better.

IAteMakkaPakka · 12/11/2008 10:17

DP still has all his wedding photos. I've always know he had them. It doesn't bother me. They split amicably, so why should I expect him to chuck them? He spent a huge part of his life with this woman, why should I expect him to erase that because I am on the scene?

I think you should talk to him about your feelings without criticising him for keeping some mementoes of happy times. Which is all these photos are.

Original poster
Dairylea · 12/11/2008 10:33

Yes - better to talk - and I am usually good for that. I just don't want to be unreasonable. For some reason, I get really insecure when I think about his past. And there is some small part of me that thinks that if his ex stopped drinking he'd wish he had never left. But actually things were so ruined by the end that rationally I know this isn't really the case.

And anyway - this is all a distraction technique perhaps - money is so tight right now and someone just called him to say he owed thousands in corporation tax. Has given up his office and we are both working and living in my flat. If we didn't go a little bit mad now and then that would probably be more surprising!

OP posts:
bigcar · 12/11/2008 12:51

I think it's also important for the kids to be able to see proof that there was a time when they were part of a happy family together before everything went wrong, they need happy memories too. This is no reflection on you at all, my dh has photos of his ex with his kids too.

TheSeriousOne · 18/11/2008 18:25

Totally agre with Bigcar. I think it's important for kids to know that when they were born, they were wanted and part of a happy family.

We all have memories. I haven't ever been married before (other than DH) but have an ex-SO who I have very fond memories of.

The past is the past and I think it's best viewed through rose tinted glasses.

DH's ex once sent me a box of photos designed to upset me. I have save every single one for my DH and now, years later, the kids look through them and it completes the picture (IYSWIM) - the kids were young when DH and I met, so there is only a very little part of history needed and those pictures complete it for the kids and for DH.

I am proud I didn't rip them up (I am sure she hoped I would). Photos capture that one special moment and are so precious.

Don't ever feel second best because of the past.
DH and I have been together 10 years now and are at a stage where he can happily mention happy times he and his then wife shared. It's nice to be able to do that.

Much better than live in the shadow of the past.

CordeliaScarlett · 20/11/2008 22:54

Because you didn't have to snoop to find them means he had not felt the need to 'hide' them? It seems he had just put them away neatly somewhere? I htink this is good, if you felt he was hiding them then alarms bells but this just seems fairly normal, and like people have said above here - she is the kids mum and they need to know they were once part of a happy family - and of course are now part of a different happy family. Good Luck! x

Hassled · 20/11/2008 23:02

From the other side of things, I'm on my second marriage and while of course I did once really love my ex, and don't regret our marriage for a minute because a)we had good times and b) we have 2 wonderful children together, that has no bearings on my relationship with current DH. They're different people - I was once happy with ex, and then I really wasn't. I think fondly of him, but that doesn't mean I ever want to go back there. You can't deny your past - it doesn't mean you don't love and appreciate the present. To sum up - you're not second best, you're the person he's chosen to be with now.

BitOfFun · 20/11/2008 23:13

Our stories sound quite similar in a way - I have been with my DP the same length of time, and he has a 13 yr old son with her. You say he might still be with her if she hadn't hit the bottle, and was a loving family man. In my mind this is a big plus point in his favour, as it shows he is loyal and basically a "good egg"- my DP would still be with his ex if she hadn't turned out to be a cheating slapper to want different things, so I love him all the more for it! Glad you like it here, nice to meet you!

TheSeriousOne · 21/11/2008 08:39

Totally agree with BitofFun.

Dottoressa · 21/11/2008 08:48

Marrying someone who's had a wife and family before is tricky, but the thing to remember is that their marriage collapsed and that he has chosen to be with you now.

I suggest you ask him whether he has any photos of his children that he'd like to have on display anywhere. That way, you look mature and reasonable, and he has the chance to be open about everything. Personally, I don't like having photos out - but they can be helpful in cases where a parent isn't living with their children any more. I doubt that he'd want to display a photo of his ex-wife, however happy they once were!

Anna8888 · 21/11/2008 09:01

My MOL and FOL have pictures of my DP and his ex-wife on their wedding day plastered all over their house. Sometimes DD picks them up and looks at them.

That's life.

TheSeriousOne · 21/11/2008 09:25

that's a bit odd though, anna888!!!!

Anna8888 · 21/11/2008 09:28

The POLs have definite issues with change . Not that they like(d) exW one little bit... . I think it's more to do with not wanting to rearrange the decorations.

guyFAwkesreQuiem · 21/11/2008 09:34

I have kept every single photo of exH and I from when we were together, and will keep them if I ever meet anyone else. They're part of my past, and as such not only happy memories, but also something to show my DS's.

Besides - I'm not going to throw away photos of Victoria Falls

IAmNotHere · 21/11/2008 15:56

I think BitOfFun makes a good point. And his absolute number one is his children, tbh. He's been with you 3 years, not 3 months, it doesn't look like he's going anywhere.

Anna8888 I think it's meant to be MIL and FIL.

TheSeriousOne · 21/11/2008 16:02

Oh, I thought 'OL's were the OUT laws

Anna8888 · 21/11/2008 17:32

Yup, Mother-Out-of-Law, Father-Out-of-Law...

IAmNotHere · 21/11/2008 17:58

Surely that makes them MOOL AND FOOL

jammi · 24/11/2008 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn