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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

how can I make my boyfriend realise he is out of order?

50 replies

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 18:40

I have a 7 year old son from a previous relationship, hes actually a really good kid and well behaved (mostly!) hes very loving and sensitive. My boyfriend of 4 years has gradually over the last year lost the ability to communicate nicely with my son, he calls him names constantly and belittles his behaviour, I have cried, screamed, stamped my feet, reasoned, advised all to little avail, every time they are in the same room they are arguing, and my son has started parrotting my boyfriends language and name calls him back, my boyfriend has no patience at all with my son and gets frustrated easily, he used to be so caring, I would never have let him move in (3 years ago) had i known. my son calls him dad, and my boyfriend is the only dad my son has known, but i cant live like this anymore, its affecting my health being stuck in the middle, please someone tell me what i should do

OP posts:

NotDoingTheHousework · 30/09/2008 18:41

This reply has been deleted

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MrsMattie · 30/09/2008 18:42

Oh dear. This won't be what you want to hear, but...what on earth are you doing in a relationship with a grown man who calls your 7 yr old names and belittles him? His behaviour is immature and to be honest, extremely worrying.

Original poster

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 18:45

i know you're right, just half an hour ago he called my son a dick head and a loser, and i got so angry i was screaming like an idiot and probably made it worse, the sad fact is my son loves my boyfriend, even though hes so cruel to him my little boy worships him and it will break his heart if i make his dad go away,

OP posts:

Original poster

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 18:46

and i should probably point out my boyfriend is 37 and didnt have the happiest of childhoods

OP posts:

hecate · 30/09/2008 18:48

you owe your son more loyalty than you owe your boyfriend. You cannot allow your child to be treated like dirt. You know what you have to do.

MrsMattie · 30/09/2008 18:49

Kaja979 -your responsibility is to your child, not to an adult man. If your boyfriend has issues from his childhood, he should adress these. Calling a 7 yr old a dickhead is abusive -especially considering your son looks up to and loves this man - and I would urge you to protect your son from this happening again. Screaming and shouting on your behalf obviously has no effect. I really think you should leave your boyfriend, sorry.

Grammaticus · 30/09/2008 18:50

You can't call a 7 yo a dick head and a loser. Not ever.

pooka · 30/09/2008 18:50

But you cannot let ANYONE call your ds a dickhead or a loser.

I wouldn't let DH do that with our children. And he is their father.

Your son needs to feel comfortable in his own home that he will not be belittled. Better for him not to have a father figure than a father figure who puts him down and behaves in such an immature manner, particularly as he will see this man as a role model.

I know it is very easy for people unconnected with the situation to just say to dump him. But you must weigh up your priorities. Also, if your partner is continuously ignoring your requests that he behave, how much respect is he showing you, let alone your ds.

kiltycoldbum · 30/09/2008 18:50

no matter how sorry for you bfriend you feel you do not actually have a choice unless he is exactly how you want your son to turn out? Your boyfriend abuses your son and every minute you are with him you are only confirming to your son that not only do you believe your boyfriend to be right but that you value your relationship with the boyfriend more than him. Bin the boyfriend sit your son down and explain to him exactly why hes gone and tell him exactly how much you love him and tell him exactly what he means to you. Simple.
Because you are NOT going to choose some boyfriend over your son are you?

PoppyFox · 30/09/2008 18:51

You're right. You can't live with that anymore.

Your son may call him Dad. But that's just a label. It doesn't mean that the relationship is one that's worth having.

I think you have to choose, or when your son grows up he will look back on this and be resentful that you didn't move heaven and earth to remove this horrible man and his negativity and cruelty from his life.

Can you love somebody who isn't at least affectionate towards your child? I couldn't.

You have a choice between a man who doesn't sound that nice and your son.

Your son? Right?

I know it's hard to make the decision. That's the hardest bit.

Original poster

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 18:51

i know i must sound so selfish staying in this relationship for as long as i have, i just keep thinking back to the old day and how happy we all were, Is there nothing i can do to change him? he doesnt even see the wrong in his actions

OP posts:

Carmenere · 30/09/2008 18:52

Just because your bf had an unhappy childhood doesn't mean your son should. it doesn't matter how much he looks up to him, that is normal, he will grow up thinking he is a piece of shit if your bf treats him like one and you allow it.

MadameCastafiore · 30/09/2008 18:52

Pack his bags and put them outside the front door - your son is a child learning this appalling behaviour from an ADULT who should know better - what a pathetic excuse for a man - and really do you think no dad would be worse then this loser???

hecate · 30/09/2008 18:52

Your SEVEN year old CHILD is being verbally abused. It is disgusting and no amount of bleating "I had a bad childhoooood" is any fecking excuse.

hecate · 30/09/2008 18:53

He can't see that calling a CHILD, YOUR child, a 'dickhead' is wrong?

Stay with him and wait until he "can't see" that hitting your child with a cricket bat is wrong.

solidgoldbrass · 30/09/2008 18:55

You can't change anotther person unless that person wants to change. Your boyfriend doesn;t want to change because it makes him feel good to bully your DS. Tell your boyfriend to leave the house and that he is not welcome until he has had counselling or done some other work on himself in order to be able to treat both you and DS with respect.

MrsMattie · 30/09/2008 18:57

I like kittycoldbum's idea. Get rid and then explain to your son exactly why you have binned him. Your son needs positive male role models in his young life, not abusive bastards.

Original poster

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 19:04

your answers all sound so straightforward, i dont honestly know why i have put up with it as long as i have, i have begged my boyfriend to change, he has seen me reduced to tears on an almost daily basis and he says he hates upsetting me and that he finds it "hard" I think my boyfriend suffers from OCD and low self esteem and this is the root of the problem

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PoppyFox · 30/09/2008 19:04

Yes. Get rid of him and tell your son that you binned him because "you come first, I love you a lot more".

LoveMyGirls · 30/09/2008 19:07

I agree with everyone on this thread, leave him, he's no good if he can't understand how wrong his behaviour is.

If you choose your boyfriend over your son then social services could take your ds into care (that is somewhere he is protected, looked after by a loving family not somewhere he is abused.)

You can try to justify this by saying my son loves him etc, your son is too young to know a proper dad (not meaning birth dad) doesn't call his son names, belittle him and basically make him feel worthless and that a real mum doesn't stand by and let it happen. When he grows up and goes into the real world and realises his friends haven't been brought up like that his head is going to be messed up.

Thats the harsh truth.

Your son deserves more.

Soprana · 30/09/2008 19:07

You can't ever change any man, EVER... Thinking so just makes things worse. What they all said above - bin the BF, pdq.

LoveMyGirls · 30/09/2008 19:10

Why are you finding it hard to accept he must go?

Is it because he has mentally abused you too, brainwashed you into feeling sorry for him, its not his fault, im sorry, i'll change, things will be better etc?

He has seen you in tears and is making you and your ds unhappy but you let him stay, why?

Original poster

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 19:17

because i loved him

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 30/09/2008 19:22

love or loved?

hecate · 30/09/2008 19:22

Who do you love more, your boyfriend or your son - because that's what it comes down to.

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