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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

how can I make my boyfriend realise he is out of order?

50 replies

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 18:40

I have a 7 year old son from a previous relationship, hes actually a really good kid and well behaved (mostly!) hes very loving and sensitive. My boyfriend of 4 years has gradually over the last year lost the ability to communicate nicely with my son, he calls him names constantly and belittles his behaviour, I have cried, screamed, stamped my feet, reasoned, advised all to little avail, every time they are in the same room they are arguing, and my son has started parrotting my boyfriends language and name calls him back, my boyfriend has no patience at all with my son and gets frustrated easily, he used to be so caring, I would never have let him move in (3 years ago) had i known. my son calls him dad, and my boyfriend is the only dad my son has known, but i cant live like this anymore, its affecting my health being stuck in the middle, please someone tell me what i should do

OP posts:

MadameCastafiore · 30/09/2008 19:23

More than you love your son?

Your son will treat his children like this if he ever gets a woman to stick around long enough to have any after learning how to treat someone from your DP.

Your son comes first - he is a child - sad loser would have his bags packed by now if he were in my house.

Original poster

kaja979 · 30/09/2008 19:32

of course i love my son more, i adore my little boy and have always given him everything i can, i know ive let him down badly and i probably wont ever forgive myself for it

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 30/09/2008 19:40

Kaja, you can salvage the situation now if you get yourself and your son out of it. You will feel better in the long run for being a strong, positive role model to your son and for showing him that you will stand up to bullies and won't tolerate anyone giving your son shit. I know words are easy to say and extricating yourself from a relationship can be incredibly difficult and painful, but seriously - you know that allowing this situation to continue will be incredibly damaging in the end.

yuppiemum · 30/09/2008 19:56

Kaja

You have to do something immediatley regarding this situation. Its very hard to become a single parent overnight and I think thats one of the reasons why you haven't sorted this out before. Maybe you should have a trial separation where you live with your son alone and he lives elsewhere else and allow yourselves time as a couple now and again so you can discuss if there is any future for the both of you. Whatever you decide it will be painfull but you have to put the welfare of your son first.

MrsMertle · 30/09/2008 19:58

Your boyfriend is abusing your son.

Get rid of him now because if you don't, one day your son will hate you for it

CherryChapstick · 30/09/2008 20:05

He won't always be a little boy. One day he'll be a man too, a very angry one.
Change your lives.

jammi · 30/09/2008 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AbbeyA · 30/09/2008 20:13

There is only one thing to do-get rid of your boyfriend. I agree with everyone else-he is abusing your son. Get rid of him immediately-once he has gone you will realise how dreadful he was. There are nice men out there-you both deserve better so don't settle for less.

kiltycoldbum · 30/09/2008 20:14

is it the practicalities of getting rid of him that is scaring you, i.e where will you go? can you get him to leave the house?

Do you have any family or friends that are able to help you?

Listen the simple fact is this relationship cannot go on, its awful for you because 1. You did actually love him very much and because of that you do care about how he feels. 2. All you hopes and dreams for the future including this person are suddenly not there anymore 3. You feel that by waiting for him to change he will show you that he loves you both and you were right. And simply you dont want to give up on someone youve invested so much of your heart and soul into.

Im afraid that life is hard and the choices we make a hard but they are the measure of you. YOU are an important worthy woman with a beautiful son that YOU love and cherish and who YOU are going to raise into a wonderful man that understands exactly how much you love him and exactly how you do not treat women. It may sound dramatic but you are saving your son from a life time of anger resentment and misery and hurt and saving yourself from a lifetime of guilt. You cannot run away from the torture your own mind will put you through if you do not do what you know is the right thing to do.

All you need to do is set about organising the practicalities of the matter and you have every single person on this site to offer you the support that we can and sending you positive wishes.

Sorry if thats a bit much!

Quattrocento · 30/09/2008 20:23

This thread is upsetting me because I have a godson who lives with his mother (a dearly beloved total ditz) and his stepfather (a thoroughgoing bastard).

So time after time I sit there biting my teeth watching my godson being torn down, and despite being fiendishly bright, doing nothing at school, drifting off into drugs and stuff and I think this is down to his stepfather telling him he is useless, that he wishes he hadn't "taken him on" and that he is dirty etc etc etc.

And that lack of self worth is of course being reinforced by his mother - who allows this situation to continue.

And I am cross with her and I am cross with you. I'm cross with you for vacillating and dithering and generally letting the abuse persist. It's down to you. Not your boyfriend. You're the one letting him get away with it.

PoppyFox · 30/09/2008 22:02

If your boyfriend moved in with you, then it's not his house. You managed before he came along?

Please don't jeopardise the most precious thing you have; your relationship with your son and your son's self-esteem for the sake of a man you don't even like. How could you like him.

There probably will be a big hoo-ha after you kick him out. But it will last a month, at the most. Weather it

This is a sad thread..

Original poster

kaja979 · 01/10/2008 07:25

I can understand what you are all saying is right, I think i've know for a while things cant go on like this. Im in the lucky position to own my own home and be financially independant, I can understand the anger some of you may feel towards me for what you see as me 'allowing' this behaviour, in my defence I have just been trying to keep my family together, trying to fix it; now i know thats not possible.

OP posts:

Pushpinia · 01/10/2008 07:35

I suspect the reason you can't face ending it is that it means facing the anger towards yourself for the length of time you've allowed this to go on already. That's a big reason lots of women stay in abusive relationships, they can't face the massive anger and pain of admitting they've messed up - though it is hardly your fault if he changed into this monster way after you got together.

But what a git,honestly if you leave this situation as it is, don't do the necessary, it'll become almost impossible to quit as that anger will be even bigger.

Open the floodgates and get bloody FURIOUS and do it NOW while you still can. Your son is probably trying to please you by saying he loves his 'dad' and will be utterly relieved if you make a stand. He needs you to stand up for him - well he needs someone to, is it going to be you? Because nobody else seems to be in that position.

Please, please, please...do the decent thing.

Pushpinia · 01/10/2008 07:39

not angry with you btw, just the situation and for your little boy - I had a partner who started doing this to my three year old and i got out very quick but that was only a short relationship. It must be very hard to end something so much longer standing so I do know what you mean. But you need to do it. My mother begged me to and that was when I knew i had 'permission' - have you any other real life support? I would wager everyone who knows the situation would be desperate for you to leave this guy. It doesn't matter how he got like this, the fact is he is very damaged and is now damaging your child - not his, YOUR child. You need to get real and start protecting this little kid. You are his ONLY hope. i hope you can see that.

PoppyFox · 01/10/2008 08:22

Kaja, I'm not angry with you. I understand firsthand that that period where you're sorting everything out in your head and processing 'reality' if you like.. it is very difficult. You need to force yourself to have objectivity after you've been sticking your head in the sand for a few years. You have made the right decision in the end.

I'm delighted for you that you own your own home. And delighted for you that this abusive man is not your child's father. You can cut the cord 100% and not look back. Take out an injunction against him if he comes near you or your son again.

Good luck in your new life.

Cosette · 01/10/2008 08:52

Kaja, it's natural to try and fix the problem - but this is one that can't be fixed, and it's good that you now realise that. You need to remove yourself and your son from this relationship as soon as possible. Focus on doing that - and when you are back on your own, you will feel a huge sense of relief and your son will be so relieved that you love him enough to do this.

The hardest thing is to make the decision - and I think you've already done that. Good Luck..

Original poster

kaja979 · 01/10/2008 15:51

Pushpinia, you are so right, my family are amazing, and I have loads of support, they dont apporove of the was my BF treats their grandson, but, they also know my BF well, they know how loving he used to be, and how awful his childhood is, his family are still abusive towards him now, so we have all given him more time than we probably should have, we have all been supportive but its got us nowhere,i guess im just sad for everyone involved

OP posts:

IfYouDidntLaughYoudCry · 01/10/2008 16:22

Kaja it must be frustrating for you when you used to be happy with him and can't understand why he's changed so much but whatever the reasons behind his behaviour, to be calling your son a 'dickhead' etc is completely out of order. If it were just you and your DP then fair enough, but it's not.

I'm sorry if your boyfriend has had a horrible childhood but your son cannot be there for him to take it out on, it will affect him if it continues. Be strong, you and your son will come out on top xx

Pushpinia · 01/10/2008 17:21

Oh dear, it is so sad and I completely understand. Poor bloke will eventually either get over what's happened to him (happening still) or he won't. It'd take a LOT of work for him to be Ok again I think and often a man won't show his 'bad' or unhappy side till well into a relationship. You weren't to know and it sounds like you've all tried your best but you have to stop your collective energies being sapped by it.
Boy os the important one, and anything that impacts negatively on him has to be stopped, full stop. Your (ex) partner is a grown up and can take care of himself.

for you and well done for taking it all on board. I felt so upset and angry even after a few months, I had to do a lot of crying, writing, thinking to get it out, but it was the only choice I had.

Thinking of you x

Pushpinia · 01/10/2008 17:23

is not os

What I mean is, I don't think your partner has 'changed' he has just allowed out a side of himself that maybe even he wasn't aware of.

He'd need to want actively to get counselling and change before there was even a faint hope that he would be able to. Sadly if he can't even see it, it's a bit of a lost cause...

dalu · 03/10/2008 12:09

Why are reluctant of leaving him? Are you worried that you wont be able to afford leaving on your own? Do you have a job? I am sorry to say this...please forgive me, but unless you have the confidence in yourself to stand up and be counted you son will suffer in this man's hand. It is not easy if you depend on this man for money or are scared to face life on your own but if I were you I would access all the possibilites, have a plan of action and move on. You are not happy, your son are not happy and to be honest your bf is not happy either. Use your son as main inspiration to crate a better life for your and your boy. I am a single mum with a son too and it is hard but you know what? He comes fisrt always!
Good luck!

Malibugirl · 03/10/2008 13:21

I just wanted to say that your story really touched me and I know it isn't easy to leave someone you love / loved.

However, as your BFs "messed up childhood" is being blamed for his behaviour, couldn't what your son is going through at the moment be construed as a "messed up childhood" too? and do you want him to be like your BF when he is older because of this?

I think as everyone else has said, you really need to kick him out and he really needs to get help before you should even consider having him in your house with your son again. Abuse is abuse whether it be verbal or physical, no-one and certainly no child deserves that.

I wish you all the best and hope that you make the right decision, Im sure you will.

Original poster

kaja979 · 06/10/2008 22:14

You're so right Dalu, I was a single parent before and I coped just fine, It isnt a financial issue, I own my own home and I have a good job. I do believe it has everything to do with my own lack of confidence and fear of being 'left on the shelf' which sounds pathetic as Im not even 30 yet! my confidence has taken a beating since ive been with this guy, it is memories of our past happinedd that has kept us together, that along with the fact that my son genuinly loves this man and would be devastated if he left. But I cant help a man who is unwilling to be helped, and I cant sacrifice my sons wellbeing putting up with his spiteful behaviour. He has to leave simple as. thankyou everyone for your advice and kind words xx

OP posts:

dadaz · 03/02/2011 01:38

Maybe you're just using this as an excuse to get rid of him...after all people don't just change overnight do they?

Either way.

If someone is verbally assaulting YOUR child it's YOUR responsibility to stp it.

mjloveswineoclock · 03/02/2011 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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