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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP's ex wants DD to live with her & DD says she wants to leave - DP distraught

102 replies

mistressmiggins · 07/07/2008 09:18

DP has custody of DD (11)
exW left the country 3 yrs ago and left DD with her dad.
exW came back pretty quickly but since then has not wanted DD

since Ive known him (2yrs) his ex has had 7 boyfriends, 3 houses (renting) and only has DD every other weekend.

now since splitting from latest BF, she has suddenly decided she wants DD to live with her. She lets DD stay up late at weekends, buys her anything she wants & they stay in watching DVDs. She has never paid a penny towards her upkeep which DP is fine with.

He rang me last night & is distraught. He is concerned that his DD will be home alone after school til his exW gets in and DD will have to move schools AGAIN. He doesnt want to say no for fear of alienating his DD & exW.

Any ideas or should he just accept she wants to move & be there if it doesnt work out?
Seems so unfair cos he is a brilliant dad and we were thinking of moving in together in next 6 mths with his DD obviously moving in too. She even has her own room at my house.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 13/10/2008 11:53

My ds is 11 btw and sees his father every other weekend. It's completely amicable between us. If ex dh suddenly said "I want ds" and ds said " I want to go" I'd say no, no way. Ex dh also treats ds so he stays up late, eats crap etc etc - I am the one providing stablilty and calm and consistency and I think a court would see it that way too.

Agree with Edam and Freckle too.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 11:57

I see what you're saying and I totally agree.
Isnt it different because she is a girl though?
Her mum says we are providing education needs but cant meet her emotional needs....

Her mum is pushing for mediation but apparantely DP doesnt have to go if he doesnt want to which would force her down the court route. No she cant afford it so I guess she will get legal aid. (we wont)

I am going to think about this carefully and talk it through with DP and maybe even DSD.
I do wonder if she feels pushed out cos my 2 DCs are under 7 and so more demanding of my time. I also struggle with things like TV cos the things she wants to watch, I dont want my 2 watching.

OP posts:
NappiesLaGore · 13/10/2008 11:57

have only read op (sorry)
dp has to let her go.
but i think she'll be back in a few months. you and dp should keep the door well and truly open and welcoming to her (and dont let on you think its a Bad Idea, or she'll resent the telling as she prob wont want to beleive it is.
she'll decide to come back. but it has to be her decision.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 11:58

NappiesLaGore
It not as easy as "she'll be back"
She will have to move schools to live with her mum and we wont want to move her again.

Why do you think it has to be her decision?

OP posts:
NappiesLaGore · 13/10/2008 12:03

because shes 11 and has stong emotion pulls in both directions and she wants to believe her mum wants her... she needs to believe that.
if you keep her for her own good, she'll resent it and fight it and then she'll feel she has burned her bridges and wont want to return.

the technicalities of moving schools 6are a big hassle, but its not all that^ hard for her to just go back to where she was. i changed secondary school when i was 13, and i was back at my old school in a week. it can be done.
most important thing here is the emotional needs of this 11yo dd. imo.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:05

I see what you're saying
I dont think she would come back even if things turned out bad

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 13/10/2008 12:08

I think if I were your dp I would make the ex go to court. I think I would explain to dd though why you tihnk this is the right thing to do and that because you all love her you want to do what is right for her. and what is right is providing stablilty and same school etc. Her mum loves her of course.

I think my 11yo ds would be terrified if he really thought he was allowed to make this decision, as it stands he knows jolly well he is not. I've made it and luckily his dad agrees with it.

Freckle · 13/10/2008 12:09

Would dp refuse to go to mediation? It might be useful as mum might realise that having dd with her isn't the best thing for dd. At least if dp has been to mediation, the courts will see that he has been reasonable and tried to resolve this other than through the courts.

Does dd have a counsellor at school who could discuss all this with her? Wanting your mum at that age is absolutely normal (more than wanting your dad when you're a girl), but a counsellor might get dd to realise that she wants it for perhaps the wrong reasons.

Re the television, could you record programmes for her to watch when your dss are not around?

NappiesLaGore · 13/10/2008 12:09

be supportive and loving and always let her know shes welcome back any time, and thats all you can do.
if her home life with her mum doesnt pan out to be what she hoped, or all that good for her, chances are she'll come back to you and her dad.
but if you try to force it, i think you'll only be pushing her away.

(caveat; i dont actually KNOW any of the personalities involved, i am speaking from my own experience of being a teenager and doing what felt like a major thing in deciding which of my parents to live with. was a v hard time, esp at that age.)

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:15

I think that considering she has only been here 7 weeks it has been an upheaval for all of us.
I have explained in front of DSD and DP that the 2 people finding this the hardest are her & me.
My 2 DCs were v young when their dad left so they are over the moon having DP living here AND they adore DSD (feeling is not mutual but I understand that cos little children can be a pain)

I wonder whether we havent asked her enough what we can do to make her life here better and whether that would make a difference.

Nappies - thanks for telling me that you understand from experience. I cant imagine what it must be like for DSD and Im sure she does feel torn.
She seems happier when she's been to school with her new friends and goes out for tea with them. It's after a weekend at her mums she seems saddiest.

Unfortunately regarding mediation, I had a bad experience so not sure if that has put DP off.

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/10/2008 12:16

I don't think you should let her go fwiw.

If she was older - 16 or soemthing then yes let her go, but at this age she needs the stability.

is it possibly a case of feeling a bit of a spare part with your DP you and your boys (needing more time than she does I mean?)

possibly she's pushing the boundaries to see how far she can go.

I think she needs to know no matter what happens you love her, support her and will only every do what's best for her even if she doesn't see it now.

tbh I think possibly you should go to mediation - in fact you should, then your DP will be seen to be the reasonable on - as in the respects of offering her 3/4 weeks in the summer etc. if it doesn't work then go down the courts route.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/10/2008 12:19

oh and re the you and her adjusting thing.

perhaps some really fun 1 on 1 things could be done just 'the girls' and say look I don't want to replace your mum, i'm not going to try, but it would be nice to think we could be friends.

do her room etc etc as well.

there's prob an element of her being the 'main girl' in her dads life, and now she has to share his affections, whilst her mum will give her the full attention. whilst like wise an element of you getting used to a pre teen girl in the house.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:19

he has offered her lots of holidays and weekends
this summer, his ex only had her twice and once was only for 3 days - the rest of the time she had to go to DP's mums.
this is why it is hard - he has done most of the caring for 3 yrs and now suddenly she wants to do it all but wont say what she intends to do in the holidays etc.

I do think she feels left out but working part time & having 2 youngish children means I may not be giving her as much attention. We dont spend money on her like her mum does either. She came home this weekend with a complete new outfit.

OP posts:
Freckle · 13/10/2008 12:21

Dp shouldn't let your experience colour his view of mediation. If he refuses to go and she does issue court proceedings, the judge will want to know why he didn't try to resolve the matter earlier. If he doesn't like mediation or isn't happy with how it is progressing, then he can always pull out. It isn't binding.

What is the mum's situation? Does she have a new partner? Any other children living with her? Does she work?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/10/2008 12:21

that's prob all she sees tbh - her mum is in effect 'buying' her daughters affections, you and your DP are not - and your SDS prob knows this, likewise she prob also knows that you'll always be her 'rock'.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:21

we hgave done her room - it was the first thing I insisted on. She & her dad painted it together. She even has the biggest bedroom whilst my DD has the small box room because I felt she needed more space.
I do craft things with her & even take her to my evening craft group cos she likes it.
I have asked her if she would like to join after school clubs but she says no.

There really isnt anymore I can do which is probably why we feel we dont have a choice but to let her go.

OP posts:
Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:23

mum doesnt have a partner at the mo.
she works shifts (some over night) but says she will change her hours.
no other children.
no house - she rents a room but apparantely is moving into her own rented house soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:25

I have asked DP to try to be more affectionate to her - my DD is over him like a rash cos she is 4 and has known him for 2 yrs so she likes to cuddle up to him
It must make DSD feel jealous - I totally understand that.

OP posts:
Freckle · 13/10/2008 12:26

Well, once mum has responsibility for running her own home, she may well find she doesn't have money for brand new outfits.

Does she currently pay maintenance for dd? Presumably she will be expecting to receive maintenance for her and the child benefit and one wonders if she has factored these into her budget for moving into rented accommodation.

Freckle · 13/10/2008 12:27

Oh and I would want to wait until mum is in her new home and has sorted her working hours before even considering letting dd go to her. It seems that everything mum is promising isn't actually the case at the moment, so I would want to see how all that goes for a while first.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 13/10/2008 12:30

Dp has said that he wants reassurance about all these factors but ex isnt playing ball.

She has never paid a penny for DSD which is fine. Yes I suspect she will go for maintenance and will obviously get the child benefit etc.
DP would pay if this happened regardless of the fact he has never had a penny. For us its not about the money at all.

OP posts:
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 13/10/2008 12:37

in all honesty I don't think you should let her go anywhere until you know full well the mothers intentions and also after she's moved in & settled into her new house - say to her we're not saying no, we're just saying we'd like to wait until you're settled into your new house and we know DD will be looked after properly.

Freckle · 13/10/2008 13:25

But it isn't up to mum to play ball. She doesn't have control of the situation. I would suggest that dp gets a solicitor and gets said solicitor to write a very reasonable letter, pointing out the past history and setting out what dp wants to see in place before even considering her suggestion that dd move in with her.

This letter could later on be produced in court to show that he is not saying no outright but is, quite reasonably, expecting mum to show that she is in a position to care for dd properly before being giving due consideration to her request.

CarGirl · 13/10/2008 17:41

I guess you could state to your dsd that her Mum isn't able to provide x y z for her at the moment and that she needs to finish school first but when she is 16 you completely support her decision to go live with her Mum regardless???

I think it's difficult because I'm sure your dsd is emotionally offloading to her Mum so it seems to her Mum that you aren't providing for her emotional needs but in reality she is off loading at her Mum because she is completely sympathetic to her.

There is nothing that you have written that casts a light on it being in your dsd's welfare. If she couldn't be bothered to have her in the holidays it seems crazy that she thinks she will look after her full time.

ElenorRigby · 13/10/2008 18:58

Bit shocked to see your thinking of throwing in the towel after some sulking from your DSD and a solicitors letter (sols letters mean bugger all ignore the bluster)
Sack your solicitor for talking utter crap, join Families Need Fathers you will get much better advice from them.
That little girl needs her father and you, not a fly by night mother who blows hot and cold when it suits.

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