Is it time to end my relationship

[summershere78447]

I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore or if I’m just done.

My partner’s 14-year-old daughter moved in with us a year ago. She can be rude, ungrateful and disrespectful to me and even guests in our home. I know teenagers can be hard, but my biggest issue is that her dad never addresses it unless we’ve already argued about it. I have to reach breaking point before anything gets said.
We also have a one-year-old son together, and I’m starting to worry about the example being set for him.

His family don’t help either. They’re overbearing, always have an opinion and seem to make excuses for his daughter’s behaviour rather than expecting any accountability.

Her mum also tells her about things like child maintenance, which I think is completely inappropriate. Adult financial issues shouldn’t be discussed with a child. Payments are often late, causing us financial stress, but again my partner rarely addresses it. In fact, he’ll happily argue with me, but seems unable to stand up to anyone else.
I also feel like all the problems come from his side. My family are supportive and respect our boundaries, whereas I constantly feel like I’m dealing with issues involving his daughter, his family or his ex.

We’re also going through a really tough stage of life with a one-year-old who still doesn’t sleep, so we’re both completely drained as it is. That makes it even harder because I feel like instead of pulling together, I’m constantly having to fight battles that shouldn’t be mine.

I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m forever asking him to deal with things that shouldn’t have to become arguments first.

The hardest part is our little boy. I absolutely adore him, and when it’s just the two of us life feels so calm and happy. I genuinely prefer it. My biggest fear is that if I leave, I’ll only get to see him half the time, and that thought breaks my heart.
Has anyone else realised the real issue wasn’t the child or the ex, but their partner never backing them up? Did it ever change, or am I expecting something that just isn’t going to happen?

I quite frankly wish I’d never agreed to this.

My childrenstay with their Dad and his partner 3-4 days a fortnight. His partner has very good boundaries and never does anything for them, never makes them food or takes them anywhere. She never pays for anything for them or takes responsibility for them in any way. She and my ex h have a 6 year old also. My ex husband has been forced to deal with them himself. She often goes out or goes for naps while they're there. She doesn't prepare dinner while they're there.

Could you start to do something similar? Just focus on your son and leave everything to your husband with regard to his daughter. She would probably prefer to deal with him anyway. If she's there when he's not there, you could tell him that he needs to rearrange his schedule to be there. If she's expecting you to wake her up in the morning, for example or make her meals, tell your husband it's up to him.

I know it sounds cold, but it has worked for my ex husband's partner and the kids still like her. She is just distant. I'm sure it's saved their relationship.

Unfortunately this is the approach I’ve now chosen to take. After a long time of trying my hardest but I realised there was a correlation between me doing/buying things and getting niceness, and me not doing such things and getting quite a different attitude.

But then this is met with pushback from in laws that I’m not doing enough. I can’t bloody win in any of this which I’ve come to terms with now.

I genuinely feel depressed, my son feels like my only source of joy in life at the moment.

thank you for your suggestion by the way, that’s not to dismiss it at all. I just find it hard as she lives with us full time.

I agree with this. Just disengage. If she is rude to you leave the room. Don't give her the opportunity and don't do anything for her. Leave all the discipline, lifts, food, everything to her dad. Let them have their own relationship. That way you don't allow yourself to be the scapegoat for the break down of the original family.

It sounds like DH has no respect for you.

If you aren’t happy, you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave the relationship.

I may be reading this completely not how it was intended to be delivered but it wasn’t necessary to be rude, I was asking for advice or lived experience based on my current situation.
I have a 1 year old if I leave the relationship I will go from seeing him 100% of the time to 50%, it’s an absolutely huge decision for me and not one I’m finding easy.

You asked..

You asked if it was time to end your relationship! Of course posters are going to address that when responding.

So many women seem to be seeking permission in terms of “is it bad enough?” My point to you, and to anyone asking the same question, is that only you know how you feel. You get one precious life. You get to make the decisions. I wasn’t telling you to LTB. Simply saying you can end a relationship if you’re unhappy in it.

Good luck.

Thanks for explaining. I can see what you meant now, and I appreciate you taking the time to clarify.
I think because we have an 1 yr old together, it’s such a huge decision that I’m desperately trying to work out whether this is something that can realistically change before I make it. That’s why I was hoping to hear from people who’ve been in a similar position.

i have. And i left

You need to take a step back and just support your partner in parenting his teenager in difficult circumstances. Your baby is irrelevant to this teenager and shouldn’t be used as a reason for the support she receives to change. Your in law’s opinions are also irrelevant.

You need to provide unconditional acceptance and kindness and nothing else. If the father in this situation doesn’t want to force boundaries or whatever you want him to do then that is up to him. It is his decision as the parent. Your role is to support, not direct. If you can’t do that then you shouldn’t be there. His daughter’s welfare is equally important to that of your sons.

I completely agree that his daughter’s welfare is just as important as our son’s, and I’ve never suggested otherwise.
My concern isn’t that I want to direct his parenting or change the support she receives. It’s that we all live together, so when disrespectful behaviour isn’t addressed, it affects everyone in the house, including me.
I’m not asking him to parent in the way I would. I’m asking him to address behaviour that impacts our home and our relationship, rather than only doing so after we’ve argued about it.
I appreciate your perspective though, and I can see why you’ve read it that way.

How did you find the adjustment away from your children? He’s still so little and so attached to me.
Did you feel relief after from a stress perspective or should I anticipate it’s going to be tough for a while after?
I understand every adults child is there absolute world but I’m finding it hard to think about being away from him and I’m not a parent who would say they have “separation anxiety”. He’s well adjusted to nursery, I work, he is looked after regularly by my parents if needed.

Asking him to address behaviour that you think needs addressing when the actual parent would rather let it go IS trying to direct his parenting and alter the support he’s giving her.

The first poster has (very well intentioned, I’m sure) mentioned NACHO step-parenting. However, unless you’re a step-parent yourself it’s impossible to understand how it feels to have someone in your home who causes chaos and a bad atmosphere.

You can NACHO all you want and dad can step up and do everything but the atmosphere and rudeness when his daughter is in the house will not improve unless he puts boundaries in place and at 14 it’s too late for that.

You can either wait it out until his daughter is 18 and hopefully goes to uni or you have to accept that this environment is too volatile for you and your son and separate.

Yes it’s time to end it. I would have zero respect for a man who is unable to parent. And next time, when someone shows you they’re a crap parent, don’t have kids with them.

OP, I have a friend currently in a similar situation but with the sexes of the children reversed. Her partner is a useless parent, expects more from her than himself or the childs mother and is family are obsessed with the SS despite him getting older and treating them like shit.
The SS is not going to fair well in life unfortunately, due to his parents and grandparents.
The partner has noticed my friend pulling away and concentrating on her own child so has backed off a little. It won't last and she knows it.
She has decided to leave and while she was sad at the thought of having her own child half the time, she came to the painful realisation that her partner probably wouldn't be bothered about having her much as long as she didn't ask for maintainance.
It is worth it to her so her DD isn't in a toxic environment too much and it IS an awful toxic environment that her partner and his family have created.
I am not suggesting you do the same thing but really, will he want 50/50? Babies are much more hard work, can he be bothered? * *

I think my lesson is well and truly learnt, unfortunately too late.

Agree with PP, he probably wouldn’t want 50/50 of a baby.

do you rent/own your house?

Practically speaking how easy would it be for you to move out?

If it’s relatively simple, I’d be tempted to sit your partner down and tell him that you are leaving.

At this point, one of two things will happen. Either he’ll be shocked and beg you to stay - which opens a “final chance” conversation which only you will know how to interpret (I.e will you believe it if he tells you everything will change). Or, and from what you’ve said more likely, he will shrug and say “off you go then”.

I think knowing exactly what he thinks about you & your relationship will help steer you in your next move.

When a man cannot parent one child without a lot of help from a girlfriend/partner, why does that girlfriend/partner automatically think they will want 50% of their joint child? Why would a useless, ineffective waste of space want to do that?

OP, you said you only feel peace when it's just you and your baby and that this man creates upset and turmoil when he's there. It will be the same atmosphere for your baby, he might only be one but he will still be absorbing it. Don't let him grow up in such a horrible and emotional environment full of arguments. Get out for him.

I’d second those telling you to back off as much as possible and concentrate on your own child. I’d focus on ensuring you are never left alone in charge of SD and do as little as possible forcing your husband to parent (however he wishes). As
for pushback from the in-laws, who cares what they think? Why do they get to have a say about you? Maybe deal with them as little as possible too! Something like ‘Oh you need to talk to DH re SD not me’ on repeat. Grey rock for them when they cannot be avoided.
See how it goes and if you can live with it until she goes to Uni (assuming that is likely). If not, you may have to separate. It may not be as bad as you think. A 1yo is unlikely to be taken from their mother 50% of the time if she is their main carer and he may not want / be able to offer 50% of a baby. It’s a different prospect to a 14yo.

I would make a couple of minor points -

Don't worry about it "rubbing off" on your baby. It won't. Your baby is too young to be picking up behaviour, and the age gap is too significant.

In my experience, girls of 14 are often hideous to the women in their lives, whether mum or stepmum. It gets better by 17 or 17, but there are a couple of truly hideous years. I was vile to my mum, my sister was, my daughter and nieces were, my friends' daughter's were. Hormones are all over the place, there's a shit tonne of brain development going on and emotional regulation is barely there. The mum figure is often the recipient of this crap because it's safer to be horrible to her than school, mates, the world in general.

This in no way excuses your stepdaughter, but it might help put it into context. She's a cowbag now but that might not be permanent.

No one is going to give 50/50 custody of a toddler. Don't worry about that.

Aside from that, you really don't need to put up with any of this.

Your DH needs to step up, your in-laws need to piss off with their expectations of you, and if they can't, you should walk.

I would disengage from your step daughter’s needs. I would leave everything to your husband and not get involved at all with her meals, washing, transport etc. sometimes these things have to be done to remain sane.
My partner has two children from his previous relationship who are teens. We have younger children and it came to a point where I was doing everything for everyone. They come over 2 nights a week and I do absolutely nothing for them now. Their dad does it all and it’s lightened my load a lot. They were always so fussy with food and would be messy etc, he now does everything and we are happier in our new routine.

What's the housing situation? Are you dependant on him financially?

The issue with blended families is that there is often drama but you have zero control over moderating it. Only solution is to grey rock or take yourself out of it. Trying to persuade your partner to be a good parent is exhausting and I suspect futile.

There will be complex reasons why he can't discipline his daughter, perhaps he's a rubbish parent (which means you will have issues when your son gets older), perhaps he has no skills due to poor role models growing up, maybe he has guilt and thinks discipline is always wrong.

Whatever the reason or reasons you can't resolve it.

How long did you know his daughter before being involved, has her behaviour escalated or always been similar?

You won't go to 50:50. Your partner is a poor excuse for a parent and he won't do it.
If you can extricate yourself physically and financially just do it. He can then engage with you regarding parenting and child suppprt.