Is it time to end my relationship

[summershere78447]

I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore or if I’m just done.

My partner’s 14-year-old daughter moved in with us a year ago. She can be rude, ungrateful and disrespectful to me and even guests in our home. I know teenagers can be hard, but my biggest issue is that her dad never addresses it unless we’ve already argued about it. I have to reach breaking point before anything gets said.
We also have a one-year-old son together, and I’m starting to worry about the example being set for him.

His family don’t help either. They’re overbearing, always have an opinion and seem to make excuses for his daughter’s behaviour rather than expecting any accountability.

Her mum also tells her about things like child maintenance, which I think is completely inappropriate. Adult financial issues shouldn’t be discussed with a child. Payments are often late, causing us financial stress, but again my partner rarely addresses it. In fact, he’ll happily argue with me, but seems unable to stand up to anyone else.
I also feel like all the problems come from his side. My family are supportive and respect our boundaries, whereas I constantly feel like I’m dealing with issues involving his daughter, his family or his ex.

We’re also going through a really tough stage of life with a one-year-old who still doesn’t sleep, so we’re both completely drained as it is. That makes it even harder because I feel like instead of pulling together, I’m constantly having to fight battles that shouldn’t be mine.

I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m forever asking him to deal with things that shouldn’t have to become arguments first.

The hardest part is our little boy. I absolutely adore him, and when it’s just the two of us life feels so calm and happy. I genuinely prefer it. My biggest fear is that if I leave, I’ll only get to see him half the time, and that thought breaks my heart.
Has anyone else realised the real issue wasn’t the child or the ex, but their partner never backing them up? Did it ever change, or am I expecting something that just isn’t going to happen?

I quite frankly wish I’d never agreed to this.

Why did she move in, did she want to? I imagine something has happened so I’m not surprised she is being difficult and probably needs some help.
Thats not your issue to sort though. Its a difficult age to have a major upheaval in your life so I think it was a given it would be a mess.
It would be better for your DH and DD to be alone maybe but clearly she needs some extra help.

Do you breastfeed your son?

Firstly, thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to reply. There have been some really thoughtful and helpful responses, and I genuinely appreciate people sharing their experiences, even if they have a different perspective.

Just to answer a few questions that have come up:

• No, I don’t breastfeed my son anymore.
• My stepdaughter wanted to move in with us. She’d been out of education for around two years, was struggling with her mental health, and things had broken down where she was living. We all agreed that living with her dad would give her more stability and the chance to get back into school, which thankfully she has. I’ve always supported that decision and wanted it to work.

I think where some people have misunderstood me is that I’m not questioning whether she deserves support or suggesting my son is more important than she is. They are equally important.

My concern has always been my relationship with my partner. I don’t want to dictate how he parents his daughter, but I do want him to address behaviour that affects our home and our relationship, without it only happening after we’ve argued first.

Over the last year I’ve naturally stepped back and leave the parenting to him, but that hasn’t changed how unsupported I feel. The practical side isn’t really my issue anymore… it’s the atmosphere in the house and feeling like I’m constantly having to push for things to be addressed.

I’ll put it quite simply, if I didn’t have my son the decision would be a lot simpler and I wish I’d had a magic glass ball to have seen this at the beginning but unfortunately I didn’t …

I’m well aware of the lifetime effect the whole situation will have on him, it’s something I feel incredible guilt over and assure you if I could go back in time to change things I really would.

I’m sorry but this is awful.

If both biological parents, children and step parent are fine with this and the dynamic works… why is this awful?

What is the housing situation?

If you left would the step daughter still stay with him? Would he want to have another child 50:50?

Housing isn’t a problem, my parents would help me as much as they need. They are wonderful, they are older though and retired so I don’t necessarily want to burden them but I know I’d have support until I get back on my feet.

I took a step down from my well paid job to be able to look after my son but am actively looking for roles similar to my old now that I feel settled into parenthood. My current part time salary covers my bills and a bit more so I wouldn’t be any worse off.

Yes step daughter would stay with partner.

From discussions we’ve had previously I know he will push for 50:50

It sounds like it woukd be best to split and leave him to the result of his poor parenting. You wouldn't need to do 50/50 with such a young child, not even any overnights until he is a bit older. No court would grant that at 1. You'd just offer him to have him during one of the weekend days and build up slowly from there. 50/50 rarely works well for children in anyway so you'd hopefully agree a reasonable schedule between you that means he has his main home with you and sees his dad a reasonable amount of time appropriate to his age. It doesn't sound like he'd kick up much of a fuss anyway.

From discussions we’ve had previously I know he will push for 50:50

What he says and what he does do not necessarily always align. Out of interest who does the bulk of chores, laundry, food shopping, cooking, school admin etc? If it's 50/50 split in household jobs then yes he probably would push for it.

EDIT
I’ll put it quite simply, if I didn’t have my son the decision would be a lot simpler

Oh my. Yes, it is time. It's just a matter of how, not if.

Sounds very complicated with SD. There’s obviously a lot going on with her and DH is not dealing with it.

would he actually be able to facilitate 50/50. I think some men suggest it and don’t realise the reality of things like if he’s sick on your day you need to take the day off etc.

I went through something similar, tho I didn't have a baby.

My DSS lives with us full-time, me and DH were constantly arguing because DSS never pulled his weight and DH did nothing to pull him in line, they generally expected me to deal with everything. Every conversation just turned into an argument with DH.

The turning point came after I had an argument with my DSS because of the way he spoke to me. While he was on holiday, I wrote my DH a letter listing every issue in the house, that I wasn't accepting it no more, I was ready to split up, I realise I had a DH problem. I sat down with him, asked him to read it first, and we could talk about it instead of arguing.

The letter explained how unhappy I was, how exhausted I'd become living like that, and that DSS was not welcome back unless things changed.

I think seeing it all written down made him realise just how serious I was, rather than us getting stuck in the same back-and-forth argument.

It might not be the right approach for everyone, but it really helped us. Maybe it's something you could try?

I hate how quickly everyone jumps to ltb. Seriously unless they too have separated and only see their baby 50% of the time I don’t feel they should encourage you to do it.

I did separate when ds was that age- it is more awful than you even imagine.

I too have lived as part of a step family and know how difficult that is.

The fact he can’t put foot down with dd is good for you in some respects.

it means you need to step up and become boss of the house.

don’t feel you can only influence her by going through him. Take control of the whole situation and implement your rules.

he may be happy someone is dealing with it.
she may respond well to some boundaries.

will be flare ups but it’s your house and your family now- so show them all who’s boss!

It feels like you’re being overly involved with your SD and how your partner parents her.

You haven’t given any examples of what she’s doing that is so terrible. Perhaps you don’t like how she speaks, you find her rude, quick to anger etc.

Practise the “let them” theory. Accept how she is and accept how she’s being parented as both are out of your control. Is she getting mental health support?

Genuinely why do your inlaws have enough say in your relationship that they’re able to tell you that you aren’t doing enough?

If my inlaws ever said that to me I would laugh in their face. Your relationship and what goes on in your house has nothing to do with them.

I would leave in this situation. You aren’t being respected. He might want 50/50 but that might be something that a court wouldn’t want to award straight away with your child being so young. It would possibly be a more gradual transition.

You have choices.
You can stay, but step back from your SD. I get that the atmosphere is poor and you can't get away from it. She is also of an age that can be very hard to live with and sounds like she's got some unresolved issues there. Dad isn't helping anyone at the moment but I get it's sometimes hard to know how to support tricky teens. At 14 this situation is transitory - she may mature into an easier person and the time she's going to be living at home is limited. In the next few years she will either move out or get a job. By the time your son is at school this will look very different.
There's no need to engage with your in-laws. Redirect them every single time to their son.
Your other choice is to move out. This may or may not involve 50:50. But you would have peace and autonomy with your child 50% of the time and 100% none of the time with the current situation.
Fundamentally though, have you lost all respect and love for your partner?

I'd move in with my parents to 'give him and SD space to figure things out together.' Not frame it as a complete separation, where custody needs to be sorted. Tell him you need the space for your mental health and a peaceful environment for DS. All logical, loving and calm. Buy yourself some time and space to breathe and DH to really see what is happening here, due to his inaction.
He can see DS anytime but there won't be drama tolerated in your parents house. All fair.
Just staying there seething will change absolutely nothing.
Enjoy some peace and take it from there.
If he really wants you both back in the house, he needs to sort these issues.