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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

what, as a step mum, would you not do?

51 replies

youcannotbeserious · 25/06/2008 17:41

Just something that's come up on other threads:

For me, i wouldn't

sign school books
presume to go to any school function
cut my SCs hair
Organise any activities which would overlap time at their mums
Go into DH's ex house unless it was an absolute dire emergency

i'm sure there are others.. but where do you feel is drawing the line?

And for mums - what does the step mum do that gets to you (no, breathing isn't an acceptable answer

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jammi · 25/06/2008 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ivykaty44 · 25/06/2008 17:59

Taking step child and buying first bra that was supposed to be my shopping treat with dd

Original poster

youcannotbeserious · 25/06/2008 18:09

Oh, Ivykaty - sorry about that...

But, FWIW, I HATED the idea of my mum taking me shopping for bras etc. In my case, made worse by the fact I didn't actually need a bra till I was blardy 15YO!!!

OK, as an addendum to my original question. To mums: If the step mum has done something you don't like, how do you deal with it?

Say something straight away
Say something later
Leave it

Again, FWIW, my DH's ex would most likely call straight away which I feel in many ways is the best route, as (even though it's a bit tedious at times) does put everyone in the picture....

OP posts:

wildfish · 25/06/2008 18:19

I know you said mum's what would you do.

Sadly nothing I could do.

DS mum would say her DP is entitled to do this all as

a) he is "married"
b) he wants to treat all his kids (steps too) the same
c) she authorises it all.

So not a lot I can do other than go to court (if possible) or rant at his mum.
Thankfully at the moment they haven't the opportunity to do too much.

jammi · 25/06/2008 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MarkStretch · 25/06/2008 18:25

sign school books- nope

presume to go to any school function- nope

cut my SCs hair- NOPE!

Organise any activities which would overlap time at their mums- I'm afraid we are entirely dictated to by her timescale and sometimes it feels like we only have dsd when she wants to go out, rather than her being allowed time to spend with us.

Go into DH's ex house unless it was an absolute dire emergency- I some issues with this one. DH's ex used to want him to go and stay at hers and look after the dog whilst she was on holiday. Erm, I felt slightly uncomfortable about this and now the dog goes in kennels or stays with her family.

I also try really hard not to get involved in any childcare/financial debates between the two of them.

Original poster

youcannotbeserious · 25/06/2008 18:29

Wildfish - Please accept my apologies for the sexist nature of my thread

Of course, it should apply equally to dads and step dads.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 25/06/2008 19:05

I've signed school books - BUT only after dsd's mum's boyfriend of a few weeks had done the same. Not as a tit for tat thing - I just took it that it would be OK to do it as he was. I had previously read with her, but never signed the book.

I've been to a couple of school functions but only once dsd's mum was ok with it. I've had to make dsd's costumes for school plays at dsd's request - and was always because I could never see her in it. It was great the year dsd's mum actually organised my ticket for me.

I've organised several haircuts for dsd.

We do things that are in her mum's "time" but dsd coming to them is reliant on her mum agreeing to it or agreeing to swap weekends - these days never a problem - but if it was it wouldn't be a problem for us.

I've been to dsd's mum's house, sat and had a cuppa and chat with her. Last time was dh's birthday and he'd had a couple of pints and needed to stay behind with dd. These days each time I'm with dh when we collect or drop dsd off I go in for a drink or a wee.

Where do I draw the line? I wouldn't phone her school or doctor, get involved in sorting out any issues like that. She has a problem with her feet and needs inserts in her shoes (discovered when I took her to buy her school shoes last summer), I haven't got involved with that other than to tell her dad, who told her mum.

I always ask her if she has homework and suggest to her she does it, I don't make her do it. I will help her with it though.

She's a fussy eater - I don't get involved with sorting that out. All I do is make sure she eats as healthily as she can when she's with us. If she refuses a meal and then eats crisps I don't get involved.

I don't get involved things like discipline, bedtimes, internet access, where she's allowed out to and until what time.

scanner · 25/06/2008 19:20

Well, here's my view as an adult now, but having had both a stepmum and a stepdad (although he wasn't on the scene until I was 18 and is lovely).

Do not tell you dsc that their mother spends their maintenance on themselves and not you when infact dsc's father hasn't paid maintenance for years.

Do not tell you dsc that they are strange because all they do is read when you don't actually do anything with them/take them anywhere etc and you live in a foreign country.

Do not enforce an afternoon nap with older dsc's and then have very noisy sex with their father in the next room.

Do not get pregnant, not tell dsc's and then invite friends over who then say things like, you shouldn't be smoking in your condition. So that dsc wonders for months if you are pg and if you are why you haven't actually told her.

Do not allow the father of your dsc to wait until you have given birth before telling you that they have a half brother (when dsc has been wondering for months if you are pg or not).

Do not walk around your home bra-less in a t-shirt and knickers when dsd brings her boyfriend to visit.

Can you tell I'm bitter?

Do not invite your dsc to stay only to use them as an unpaid/unappreciated babysitter without even saying thanks.

Original poster

youcannotbeserious · 25/06/2008 19:31

scanner... nope, i think you hid the whole 'bitterness' bit quite well!!!

OP posts:

wildfish · 25/06/2008 20:13

ycbs: I was just being cheeky

ivykaty44 · 25/06/2008 21:02

I think that the first bra was brought and it was not a way of getting at me or trying to be nasty in any way it was just not thought about that "I" would like to perhaps take my dd and do the first bra.

So the reason I posted was not to be horrid about sm - this sm in question is now sm 1 (there is sm2 as sm1 is now divorced from ex/dp aswell)sm1 is really good at birthdays christmas picnic and stays in contact (we now share siblings)

Just would be nice if sm's stop and think, is this over stepping the mark? Is this going to p*ss bio mum off?

poppy34 · 25/06/2008 21:06

agree with youcannotbeserious/jammi...also try not to say anything about their mother that isn't positive (pretty hard) or neutral no matter how much the provocation is. Ok I have had one or two lapses but still think its really important

Anna8888 · 25/06/2008 21:07

Sign school books - agree, don't do this

Presume to go to any school function - agree

Cut my SCs hair - often arrange hairdresser for them. This is more than fine with their mother

Organise any activities which would overlap time at their mums - agree

Go into DH's ex house unless it was an absolute dire emergency - agree

My DP is a very hands on father (more hands on than his ex) so I don't have to take on parental responsibilities.

ravenAK · 25/06/2008 21:11

From dh's experience of being a stepchild: if you are an evangelist Christian who sincerely believes that all rock music contains hidden Satanic messages, do not on ANY account let your teenage dsc become aware of this fact!

You will be wound up to the point that you will still be spinning when said dsc are in their 30s & have families of their own...

Original poster

youcannotbeserious · 25/06/2008 21:20

"My DP is a very hands on father .... so I don't have to take on parental responsibilities."

anna - this sums it up!!!!!

I hadn't thought of that before, but I do agree - I don't have to take responsbility for my DSDs because their dad does that. He's a good dad!

But, it does make you wonder why there is often so much tension between the first and second spouses (see, wildfish - very politically correct! ) when the onus really ought to be on the parent...

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 25/06/2008 21:23

Sometimes I wonder what would piss off my stepsons' mother... she is seemingly so happy to outsource all childcare

Anna8888 · 25/06/2008 21:25

I can do a lot with my stepsons because I only have to check with my partner whether it's OK, not with their mother.

So it's a mixture between my partner being a very hands-on father and his ex-wife a very hands-off mother, and she trusting him as to what goes on at this house (and actually being grateful it is being done - by him or me, doesn't matter).

Anna8888 · 25/06/2008 21:27

I'm quite sure a huge amount of tension between wife 1 and wife 2 is due to a responsibility void on the part of the husband...

Amphibimum · 25/06/2008 21:29

first response at only having read op (will read thread after this and prob regret posting lol)

i havent signed school books as its never come up, but he was doing kumon for a while and it was me who sat with him and coaxed him through it when he was here, so yes, i wrote what was required for that.
ive never been invited to any school function... i guess its not my place, but it feels odd that tbh.
hair, activities in her time, no chance. as if she'd allow it.
go into her house unless dire emergency?? really?? now this i cant understand. in fact, now i wouldnt as shes been v cold and made it clear she doesnt want it, but growing up with separated parents who always behaved like ADULTS w regds to the children, i just dont understand why grown adults get all shitty about this stuff.

if id stolen her husband i could get it, but i bloody didnt (i wouldnt, ta v much! MY moral code wouldnt allow it. and i happen to know that SHE happily had an affair with a married man while married to my dp, so moral highground is mine imo)

rant over... off to read thread (and regret post prob! lol

wildfish · 25/06/2008 21:36

[I hadn't thought of that before, but I do agree - I don't have to take responsbility for my DSDs because their dad does that. He's a good dad! grin]

Maybe that's the real key. A parent who is not shall we say the top of the parenting league and then finds new partner who wants to know why they are not that involved, so the ex partner gets all the blame, and poor ole parent is innocent, so new partner takes up the mantel to help their partner by providing the necessary support in bettering the other side. Which leads to conflict and bitterness, which hides all the warts of the poor parent who enjoys it even more, since the distraction is working great and they get one over the other parent.

Maybe

Original poster

youcannotbeserious · 25/06/2008 21:43

Anna - I agree with you on your point - have you read Fizzymum's thread? It's all about the stepmum but when it boils down to it, it's the failings of the father which should be being discussed.

Amphibimum - I agree with you - My DH's ex has been invited to (and has been and shared a glass of vino!) our house but has been too shitty (even after being invited and coming here) for me to ever want to go there. I don't get the whole 'stealing a husband'.... Really???? please tell me, how do you STEAL a husband? because, if I can (and I'm sure my DH's ex would say that I can and did) then can I please steal Brad Pitt?

OP posts:

Amphibimum · 25/06/2008 21:47

forgive me wildfish, but i got lost with your last post. who said/did what now?

other than that, no i guess i dont have much else to add.

except that if he were MY child, for damn sure id want to know who the woman was who was looking after him now and then. id want to know her, and id most certainly want communication going when he's clearly having difficult emotional times. i am baffled by the cold shoulder thing. but hey, from what i can gather shes one cold and manipulative piece of work, so i should be grateful she doesnt get in may face more. shed make mincemeat of me!

stitch · 25/06/2008 21:48

out of sheer curiosity, why would you not sign a reading record book if you have read the book with the child?
my kids books have been signed by my siblings, as well as 11 year old ds signing his younger siblings books. after all, he read it with them.

Amphibimum · 25/06/2008 21:52

on the very few occasions dss' mother has been here, shes barely managed to acknowledge me for about half of them, and then been all sweetness and sugaryness the other half. hmmmmm, i spose shes keeping me on my toes? bizarre.

lol at stealing brad pitt.

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