what, as a step mum, would you not do?

[youcannotbeserious]

Just something that's come up on other threads:

For me, i wouldn't

sign school books
presume to go to any school function
cut my SCs hair
Organise any activities which would overlap time at their mums
Go into DH's ex house unless it was an absolute dire emergency

i'm sure there are others.. but where do you feel is drawing the line?

And for mums - what does the step mum do that gets to you (no, breathing isn't an acceptable answer

i would sign such a reading record. if any of our kids had one
its a reading record; whoever heard them read should sign it, right?

Lol maybe I ramble a bit too much. (Booked extra time with solicitor to make sure I don't over run)

repeat with p1, p2 and np1

Maybe that's the real key. A parent (p1) who is not shall we say the top of the parenting league and then finds new partner (np1) who wants to know why they are not that involved with children, so (p1) puts all the blame on the ex partner/other parent (p2), and poor ole parent (p1) is innocent, so new partner (np1) takes up the mantel to help their partner (p1) by providing the necessary support in bettering the other side (p2). Which leads to conflict and bitterness, which hides all the warts of the poor parent (p1) who enjoys it even more, since the distraction is working great and they get one over the other parent (p2).

Maybe

Closer than you'd like to think, WF....

Well my DSD has lived with us since she was 9 and has very limited contact with her (looney) mum. I do all the things a mum is supposed to, take her shopping, have the sex talk, the boys talk, do the girly make up and clothes sessions (although not so much of these anymore ). She's 15 going on 20 and will probably leave home when she's done her GCSEs next year.

jammi - I completely understand that you wanted to help your DP learn to be a better parent - that is a very useful supporting role.

I think, however, that there is a fine line between being a supportive partner to a father of children from a previous relationship, and usurping the parenting role.

I discuss parenting issues fairly endlessly with my DP but I have always stepped back from actually doing things for him. So, if he is not around, I will take responsibility for (minor) discipline - but not if he is around. And any big decisions are made by my DP with the children or his ex-wife (though we will undoubtedly have discussed them in great detail together in private).

I have got both sides of the coin here (sort of!) I have a good "relationship" with my step childrens mum - I have been invited to her house to discuss the children and she asks if I would like tickets to see them in their school concerts. Me and dh can also see the kids whenever we want to (outside of usual contact times) simply by ringing and asking if its okay. She also asks us to have the kids if she needs to work/go out etc and its all very flexible and amicable - which I feel is very good for the kids.

On the other hand..... my relationship with MY ex and his new wife is very different. I have tried very hard to get anywhere close to what I have just described above - however its impossible. We have no contact (neither I or my kids - age 6 and 8 even have a phone number for him!), we communicate via a message book which the kids bring back and forth and ex's mum transports kids between houses. I get on quite well with ex m-in-l. I have written messages in the book inviting them BOTH to school activities - but this is never responded to. We cannot discuss any emotional issues the kids might have and I feel this is quite sad. I would prefer my kids to witness the amicable behaviour of the grown ups in their lives, although maybe its better for them not to see us arguing if thats all we are capable of doing? Who knows!?

I feel lucky that I am encouraged by my step kids mum to be very involved but Im also very careful and check with her about things first as i would never want to "step on her toes"

I would feel that was something the parent was supposed to do and would expect it to cause unnecessary friction with their mum if I signed stuff, having said that their stepdad signs stuff but that is ok. I have gone to school functions like music days, their stepfather went and I did feel their mothers mutterings that I shouldn't go were bad for the kids as they suggested their dad's relationship with me was less important than their mum's with their stepdad.
I wouldn't arrange haircuts unless asked to do so. I wouldn't phone their mum about things re the stepkids unless an emergency and my husband away, that's his job.
Unless I am the only one there if husband has briefly gone out I leave dscipline to him. I would never smack them although I did smack my son occasionally when he was small.

I would'nt attend parents evenings (unless their mum couldnt make it and actually asked me to go instead), and I would'nt discuss issues like "the birds and the bees etc" - thats definately their mums job!

I've discussed "the b&b's" and periods with her too! Dsd will be starting her periods soon and I didn't want her being embarrassed about it and afraid to mention it. There's no way she would have talked to her dad about it.

I am a step mum and I also do not:

sign school books
presume to go to any school function
cut my SCs hair
Organise any activities which would overlap time at their mums
Go into DH's exW house unless it was an absolute dire emergency

BUT - how would you respond if DH exW expects you to look after her baby while she goes to work?

OR - shows up at your home, while you are at work and yells for DSS to open the door?

As a stepmum, I know my place and show respect to not interfere in her home or her time with the chidren. I don't understand where she gets the nerve to overstep her bounds when it comes to my home.

If DH's exw expected me to look after her baby I would:
(i) Look at her as if she'd lost the final part of her mind.
(ii) Pick my jaw off the floor
(iii) say no.

Honestly? she really wanted you to do that? (I'm assuming it wasn't your DH!! )

Not sure about the second one - it's not really in your control. How come the kids were there alone? How old are they?

My DH was flabergasted (sp?), to say the least. We have very limited contact with the exW and I am definitely not buddybuddy with her.

The exW is an ex crackcoccain addict who abandoned both kids for 18 months.

At the last court appearance, she claims that she never had a drug issue and the DH deliberately removed the kids from her. Trust me - I am a paralegal/secretary and documented her trail as she partied from one hotel to another. She came back apparently 'clean' and had a baby during her 18 month absence.

My DSS is 13 and is currently on summer break. The exW claims that we are inteferring with her access to DSS and has been harrassing DSS to live with her. She has joint custody of DSD who she has poisoned to hate her father and I.

Sorry - I am still very angry. DH and I are in counselling to try and work out anger and frustration of exW constant manipulation.

Oh ......

I offered to go and look after dsd's mums other children when she had to go into hospital.

And I turned up to pick up dsd and had to let myself in as dsd couldn't hear me knocking at the door.

Interesting reading from the perspective of someone who's not a step-mum but was a stepchild - my parents split up at about the time I was born as my dad announced he'd fallen in love with someone else. My mum and his second wife had been friends before but obviously weren't really for a while, but E, my sm, was very good to me - she spent far more time with me as a small child than my dad did, I think. When my dad also left her, she was the one who told me, and we've kept in touch. She still sends me and ds presents.

If exW was a reasonable person - perhaps I would 'consider' looking after the baby.

Unfortunately, the exW speaks ill of us in court; speaks ill of us to kids; speaks ill of us to kids schools and then telephones us, sweet as pie as if nothing happened.

She follows/confronts DH when he goes to fill up at the gas station; shows up at our home if we do not pick up the telephone.

What 'good' relationship I had with DSD is no longer the case. DSD claims we have too many adult rules (keeping room tidy; helping with dinner which she used to love; responsible for homework; etc.) but she does not mind changing poopy diapers.

When DSD is with us, she threatens to run away when we are asleep because we do not respect her. DSD is 11 yrs old.

In order to not upset DSD/DSS, I have pulled myself away from the scene - I don't make any comments or interfere with DHs time with kids.

Being a stepmum is tough, I understand that I am not their mum and never claimed to be or tried to replace mum. The exW even said she was happy to have me in kids lives but in the same breath, tells kid that we have no right to tell them what to do.

I am sorry - I don't think this is the right thread for me to be venting on. I noticed another thread by Hmmmm/Jammie about being at end of rope re SD. Hmmmm/Jammie mirrored what DH and I have been going through with DSD. She does not want to be with us and we have to let both kids learn how to deal with their mum.

DH knows how supportive I have been during the absence of the kids mum. It is too bad that a mum can teach/feed a child's hatred towards another parent.

I just wanted to agree that there are some things a stepmum can do and should not do.

That must be really difficult for you TerraCloud. Things haven't always been easy (understatement - the woman hated me and dh and then some) between dsd's mum and myself, and the things I say I do I have only been doing since things have been better. I'd never have done anything that I thought would offend or upset her until that point.

It's weird thinking about it - going to how awful things were at one point to where we are now. I'd never have believed it was possible, but we've got there. And I am very grateful for that.

Terracloud: if she were a reasonable person, it's unlikely she'd even ask!!!

My DSD lives with my DP and sees her mum once a fortnight at weekend. For my DSD, I have had to force a discussion regarding periods as I was concerned she would start while with either just her dad or with us...now been done.
I have had to ask (via DP) DSD's mum 3 times to cut her hair otherwise I would take her to hairdressers - now been done.
Am taking DSD shopping for clothes this weekend cos the only person who buys her clothes is my DP's mum and she hates the clothes she chooses.

Regarding my DCs, I arrange haircuts etc, I sent DS(6) school book to his for weekend and they didnt read it so shan't bother again. He is fun time daddy - thats fine now I know he wont bother.

I do discipline DSD when she is with us cos DP is too soft (with my DCs too) and so I am the "boss". Fortunately DSD accepts this and seems to have more respect for me than her dad!

I guess it depends who has residency. We are perhaps unusual in that my DP has custody of his DD so in effect, we are (will be one day) full time parents to 3.

youcannotbeserious: that is true!

Sign school books- I always avoid doing this but do often help with homework etc.then get DP to sign it. On one occasion I did have to sign a letter from school in an emergency situation (DSD wouldn't have been able to go on a trip she was looking forward to without it being signed by somebody.)

Presume to go to school functions- I always go and very frequently I am the only supporter of DSC's there. I'm also the one that gets involved in making costumes etc. On one particular sports day my parents and young nephews came to support them with me. But I wouldn't have brought them if their DM was there.

Cut their hair- Never! (or anybody else's for that matter!)DP does that.

I try to avoid going to DP's ex's house but there are times that, on her request, that I've picked DSC's up from there at times while DP is at work.

I think it's a fairly similar situation to yours Anna. It's quite weird that a mother wouldn't mind somebody else taking over these things. But in her own words she has'too much on'.

I will have no choice but to take DSD2 to an orthodontist appt next week. Usually DP takes the time off work to take her but he really won't be able to this time and she's seeing a specialist that will only be available at very limited times so we can't change it. I am concerned about doing this and it would be something on my 'things I wouldn't do' list but the alternative is her missing the appointment all together.

oh my god is is not the done thing then to go to school functions??

I only ask because I went to my dsd sports day yesterday with dp and our dd.

dp ex was there along with most of her family all of us together cheering the girls on.

But then again we all get on fairly amicably, her family is intertwined with my ex's family (related to my eldest dc, complicated!)

I would never however arrange hair appointments etc without her specific request and when we see the girls at her house I'm very careful to stay in the background more.

I am a stepmum in a very different position from many here as my stepdaughters live with me (in term time) and their mother lives far away, in South Africa, so I basically do everything as if I was their mum, including every school function, all shopping, dealing with friend tiffs, periods etc etc etc. It's not always easy going but I really enjoy it...

Sheepgomeep - I don't think anything is specifically off limits... I think the key is to not assume you are welcome.

I've, actually, been to quite a few of my DSDs events etc., but only when asked.

I'd never assume I was invited or just turn up without it having been mentioned.

If it's amicable, then I'd say go for it.

hi there,just seen this thread for the first time,i'm new to mumsnet. Am trying for a baby with my husband and having few fertility issues so i'm on another thread mostly but just thought i'd contribute fwiw!!My husband has 2 children from his previous marriage,most of the time i get on fine with them but the eldest likes to stir things up for us with her mother. I have signed there reding books,because i read more with them than their mum so why shouldn't i?

I have also attended parents evenings when ex hasn't gone for some reason and had them at short notice if shes out, but when she's in one i get 'my kids are nothing to do with you'thrown in my face! v annoying..

I don't think there should be a list of do's and dont's cos everybodys situation is different..

Just do whats right for you,dh and sc at that time,thats what i do...