Stepdaughter still relying on her father at 30 affecting our marriage

[DreamyRedFinch]

Been a step mom 29 years and always had problems with YSD30 mainly because of her immaturity. I thought by now she’d have her own life and not still be relying on her parents for constant support. She’s never moved out of her mother’s home to gain independence and things seem to have gotten worse over the past few years since she entered into a relationship with an equally immature partner. She’s constantly seeking emotional support from DH when this boyfriend won’t step up but instead of him encouraging her to sort these things out with him he’s stepping in to play the hero. I’ve said this isn’t right and he should be leaving them to sort out their own issues otherwise how will they learn to stand on their own two feet! It’s putting a real strain on our marriage and he can’t see why even when I’ve tried to explain! Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

You need to keep out of it @DreamyRedFinch, a child may need their parents till the day they die .

Through my sport I know a lot of middle aged Dads of adult children, either divorced or remarried having left the family home many years ago.

Those who remained involved with their DC, are IME very involved, to an extent that fathers of DC who stayed together (or their mothers) just aren't.

I'm no expert but I've always assumed it's over compensating for some complex feeling of guilt, they do middle of the night airport trips, will drop everything to do DIY and very often support financially well into adulthood in a way that other parents don't seem to.

I love my adult DC very much, and they know I'm always there in a crisis, but they make their own way to the airport and are more likely to help me with jobs on my house than vice versa. It seems to operate differently for fathers who left the family home IME.

Annoying for you, but I doubt you'll change it.

What does the emotional support involve? If you mean that she calls or visits to speak to him and get advice and guidance and comfort, what the heck is wrong with that? He’s her parent.
Surely parents (good parents anyway) would provide a measure of support to children who ask for/need it regardless of their age.
I can’t imagine saying to my child to not speak to me for support or advice and to work it out for themselves.

I think if you have stuck around 29 years, and put up with this, a real parenting fail in my view, it is too late to make a fuss now.

His ego is more important than doing whats right and helping her develop independence.
I fail to see the attraction in such men.

We still support out adult children emotionally and also sometimes financially we always will as long as we are able. Their age makes no difference they will always be our children.
You should leave this to you husband to deal with and keep outbof it.

Her father should be providing emotional support.
She doesn't live with you, just don't think about her, and tell your husband not to keep you up to date about her life.

You think there’s a cut off for emotional support from parents?

Honestly why on earth do people insist on marrying someone with children when they are so aghast by some of the most basic parts of parenting.

I agree with this. You've been with her father for 29 years and she's only 30 which means she grew up with no memories of what it was like having him at home with her. And there was no time for her parents to come to terms with the break up of their marriage before you were introduced as a permanent fixture, which must have made for quite an insecure and challenging childhood.

He's doing a lot of over-compensating and he isn't going to stop just because you don't like it. So you either learn to lump it or you leave.

@Beamsss I'm no expert but I've always assumed it's over compensating for some complex feeling of guilt, they do middle of the night airport trips, will drop everything to do DIY and very often support financially well into adulthood in a way that other parents don't seem to.
I love my adult DC very much, and they know I'm always there in a crisis, but they make their own way to the airport and are more likely to help me with jobs on my house than vice versa. It seems to operate differently for fathers who left the family home IME.

I disagree, this behaviour is completely normal in family’s with children in their 20s and early 30s regardless of whether the parents have split or not.
Why would you have your young adults help you with DIY when they’re young and in their first home when you wouldn't help them?

I hate to tell you this but if she's got zero emotional maturity at 30, she ain't ever gonna have any. She's been babied her entire life, and it's worked for her. Your question now is can you face a lifetime of this from your DH...

My husband’s 3 children are late 20’s/early 30’s and they each call him at least twice a day to sort out routine things or ask for ‘help’ (usually meaning money). His son was buying a flat recently and dh had to deal with the agent and negotiate for him. Trying to change him is a waste of time.

Do you have no kids?
im in my thirties with my own kids and still need support from my parents at times! Think you should keep out of it.

She continues to do this, OP, because your husband continues to allow this to happen. He is the problem here.

For those of you in your 30s still relying on parents - get a grip and grow up! I didn’t have any parents by that age, and I had to sort myself out because nobody else was there. You are relying on them because it’s easy and a cop out. Jesus Christ.

Your h and sd obviously enjoy this dynamic so will
continue like this indefinitely. Yabu to think that they are going to change the habit of a lifetime. You’ve put up with it for 29 years and I bet it’s like that in another 29 years.

I'm a parent for life - if my children need help or support, I will be there. My dad died last year - I wish with all my heart that I could ask him for advice. If you don't have dc, then you can't really understand that bond. I'm not saying that at 30 she shouldn't he sorting out some of her own life problems, but if she has a dad who is willing to help her, she's lucky and there's nothing wrong with enjoying that support.

Your view on parenting is abnormal. No normal well adjusted parent thinks parenting ends at 18.

I think there is needing some support or advice and then there is never growing up and behaving like a parasite. OP it depends on what this support actually involves and how it affects you as a couple.

If you've always had problems with her that means she was one when the problems started ? It sounds like maybe you're a bit jealous of their close relationship .

He allows it to happen because he is her parent and parents often behave like that - letting the child grow at their own pace and providing as much support as they can for as long as they can

they often prioritise preventing a child from being hurt over helping them grow up - it’s hard as protection is totally natural

can you give some examples of the emotional support she is asking for?

What makes you think it’s too much? If it’s just her phoning to talk over a situation and get advice then I think that’s a normal part of parenting. Many people like to talk over situations and get other people’s opinions. That’s why sites like mumsnet exists.

God, some of these replies are depressing. I still had a lot of emotional and practical support from my parents (especially my dad) at 30 - not because I wasn't a fully functional adult too, but because it's normal and human to seek support from others, especially close family members. It's what good parents do - he sounds like a good dad.

But do you need constant support, like the SD in the OP does? Did you still live with your mother at 30, having never moved out?

This woman has failed to launch, and it seems that her parents have a fair bit to do with that.

My adult kids have always known that I'm there when needed, and will step in where there's an problem. I've sorted them in various ways which they've been very thankful for.
But they're also independent and competent adults who can make their own decisions and don't need to call me every second day with whatever problem they have.

Your situation is different, you live independently with your children and your parents provide support on an ad hoc basis. This daughter is still in her mother's home rather than making her own life, probably for financial reasons, but still expects constant 'support' from her parents/ She will never be independent as long as her parents facilitate the easy life.