Stepdaughter still relying on her father at 30 affecting our marriage

[DreamyRedFinch]

Been a step mom 29 years and always had problems with YSD30 mainly because of her immaturity. I thought by now she’d have her own life and not still be relying on her parents for constant support. She’s never moved out of her mother’s home to gain independence and things seem to have gotten worse over the past few years since she entered into a relationship with an equally immature partner. She’s constantly seeking emotional support from DH when this boyfriend won’t step up but instead of him encouraging her to sort these things out with him he’s stepping in to play the hero. I’ve said this isn’t right and he should be leaving them to sort out their own issues otherwise how will they learn to stand on their own two feet! It’s putting a real strain on our marriage and he can’t see why even when I’ve tried to explain! Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dad’s that support their adult children emotionally are amazing. He’s the first person to call if something goes wrong! Why would you take that away from them?

Been a step mom 29 years and always had problems with YSD30 mainly because of her immaturity.

Obvious jokes about the maturity of a one-year-old aside, perhaps her father feels bad that his wife has had a problem with his daughter since she was tiny. If you've always had a problem with her, then, for most of that period, she was absolutely not responsible for that. Maybe she feels like she has to continually test her father's love because he chose to spend his life with someone who doesn't and has never liked her. 🤷🏻

It depends what she wants emotional support for. If it's because she and her BF have had a row over what colour to paint the kitchen, then she needs to grow the fuck up. If it's the BF being a prick In general then yep I understand her wanting to coonfide in her dad. Context is everything in what she needs his support for.

I had a mental health crisis from 29-33 and there were periods when I moved back in with my parents, yes. And my dad provided a huge amount of support during that time, it probably would have looked a bit pathetic to some of the critics on here but it's no exaggeration to say they saved my life.

You sound a bit jealous imo. I still needed some emotional support from my parents when I was 30.

That’s a bit daft to say that because you don’t have kids you can’t understand the bond. We all have parents - eye roll

Right?! My dad died before I was 30 and I supported my mum emotionally and financially. I find it shocking that people of 30 are still expecting to be parented.

I think these things never work if you tackle them head on. When you’ve calmed down about any recent, particular incident, see if you can have a general discussion with your DP about how he can help her learn to cope for when he is no longer around, or something like that?

I'd bet that this poster is older as am I and I agree with them. What's your definition of parenting because my well adjusted parents expected that I stand on my own two feet. Support extended to listening but not swooping in to "fix" things which seems to be happening here.

If it was the odd bit of advice help the OP wouldn’t be posting - it’s constant support of the DD and her relationship with her bf which the DF should keep out of

Deleted because I realised this is an old post and I've already commented!

I agree with @saraclara. Of course we're always there for our adult children, but as @saraclara says, the goal is to launch independent and competent adults who can make their own decisions and don't need to call me every second day with whatever problem they have.

My DD (21) calls/texts whenever she needs help, advice, a good moan, or just to have a chat. But she doesn't need constant support, and she doesn't share much about her relationship tbh. I know that she'd tell me if he did something really upsetting, but generally they just get on with it!

There seem to be lots of helicopter parents now, and children seem much "younger" now, as in those of us born in the 80s had a job in our teens while studying and generally moved out around 20. It's complex as the world just is harder for them now, no jobs and very few can afford their own house and they can't rely on having a working spouse to share bills with.
But it doesn't help them when their parents jump in all the time. I don't like the way society says it's ok for dads to play the hero/be the big man with the boyfriend-if a MIL did that with her son, we'd hear the interfering busybody/apron strings/ mama's boy comments, and it's no more ok for a dad to be acting like a woman old enough to have had several kids is a little child.