ABUSIVE STEPSON

[verbalabused]

I am 71 and my wife is 62. We married 3 years ago. She insisted that her adult son (she has 4 adult children) who is 31 move into our new home. She says she would not have married me if that could not happen. He does not work and contributes ZERO financially to 8,000 to 10,000 monthly expenses. My wife and son have a very dependent relationship.
He drives his mother's 2023 Audi. I leased a Tesla for my spouse Donna. She has stood by and allowed him to verbally abuse me. He is not "well" in my opinion. I am an oral surgeon (semi-retired) and Donna is an ER nurse.
She owns a home that her other son lives in with his fiancé and young child. The stepson with us used to live there. There is plenty of room there for him. However, my wife refuses to have him move out..
I feel threatened by his presence. I have complained for the 3 years to have him move out, but Donna refuses. I pay over 85 % of the expenses here. The mortgage is mine. Unfortunately, she is on the deed. Divorce has been discussed for quite some time. I can't afford that right now.
HOW DO i GET HIM OUT ?????
.

So why did you marry her?

Why in the world did you marry this woman?
And how the heck are your household expenses £10k? 🙄

You can’t get him out without divorcing her.

Call the police and ask them to remove him if he wont leave voluntarily.

8-10,000 a month?? Is that Japanese Yen or do you live in a mansion?

Get legal advice. It sounds like you’re not in the UK.

The thing is @verbalabused they came as a package and are going to stay that way. I don’t read that there is anything in this relationship that makes you happy. You cannot get him out because she won’t put up with that.

So you either have to put up or shut up, i.e. accept the circumstance as it is or go your separate ways. You would probably be happier living in your own home, on your own, possibly still seeing Donna from time to time when the two of you can be together.

got married and then bought home

have to sell home. Wife refuses to move back to her family home and refuses to move out. I'm not prepared to spend retirement IRA on this place. Already consulted with attorney. The acute issue is I do not feel safe

good question, but too late.
and no...do not live in Japan
Mansion - right!!!!!!
Only way, Yes divorce complaint or assault charge

You must have known he'd be q problem before you got married. So why did you.

Well that doesn't answer anybodies questions

I think he’s in the US… 8k in the US would be 6k here which is plausible

did not know the extent of problem

To what extent did you know?

Not worried about being outed are you.

Was your professional really relevant?

Definitely not in the uk are you

Is he violent? You say you dont feel safe?

If he is a threat to your safety could you see if you can get a restraining order? He wouldn't legally be allowed to stay at the house then.

Then leave. Get your attorney to write to her and tell her you don’t feel safe and have left for that reason but are not giving up any rights for the property. You can afford to live separately elsewhere until this is sorted. It’s tough on you, but you have to bite the bullet and put yourself first. No one on here is going to be able to describe a way to get her out.

I am assuming you are in the US if you are talking about IRAs? (So $8-10k not £8-10K which is still obviously a lot but not quite so obscene). Oral surgeons also probably earn a fair bit more in the states than an NHS max fax consultant!

This is predominantly a UK site, and the legal situation is very different here compared with the US. Both in terms of the financial settlement after a short marriage, and how you get an unwanted adult out of your house and force a sale.

You're not charged by the word here.

So again why did you marry her?

Glad you are semi-retired OP as I tend to expect clinicians to be able to mitigate against and ideally avoid highly likely negative outcomes as part of complex procedures when alternatives were readily available.

Your wife has her own home, which she allows her other adult son and family live in. You jointly own your current house, with your wife. Your wife isn't going to tolerate your step-son moving out, because she doesn't want him too.

Sadly, I think your only option would be to divorce your wife. She's not homeless, she has her own property, that her adult son lives in. If her son is aggressive and has the potential to become violent, then I don't see how you have any other choice.

Dear OP, my heart truly goes out to you. I can only imagine how frightening and exhausting it must be to feel unsafe in your own home. Other posters are right that some of your answers are unclear, because understanding the full picture helps people give you the most accurate and helpful advice. I’m not sure why some are asking about your expenses; that doesn’t seem relevant to the immediate issue.

First, I hope “Donna” is not your wife’s real name. You should never use real names here, yours or anyone else, and it’s best to avoid sharing too many identifying details such as your profession. Protecting your privacy is important, especially in a situation like this.

I know it doesn’t help to say this now, but agreeing to have your wife’s adult son move in was a mistake. At this point, though, the focus has to be on your safety and your options moving forward.

You mentioned that you’ve already spoken with a lawyer, which was a very smart step. I would strongly suggest not telling your wife about that conversation for now, as it could escalate things if she shares it with her son. If you genuinely fear for your safety, please consider contacting the police, they may be able to advise you on next steps or help you create a safety plan.

I truly hope you find a resolution soon. You’ve worked hard, and you deserve to feel safe and at peace in your own home.