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Original poster

dh just accused me of thinking dss was fat

52 replies

ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 21:31

and I agreed. he is overweight and I just couldnt lie again. he eats chips burgers crisps and is constantly looking for his next meal. dh acknowledges that he is greedy and yells at him about it (which I don't incidentally) but has just blown up at me for voicing the bleedin obvious.

for the record I love dss dearly, he is a lovely warm hearted boy who is a great brother to my dd

unfortunately eating wise he is rather like dh which is part of the reason dh reacted so angrily (denial), he is overweight, I have been very overweight myself until recently so I am not some kind of obsessive skinny minnie

birth mother is always on at him to exercise and serves up good healthy food, or so dss tells us, so she is aware of the problem although I am not close enough to talk to her about it

I am a shit stepmother arent I. should I have just lied? I am worried for his health going forward and think dh should support bm more and stop the constant greed when he stays with us. opinions please

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Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 21:32

he is ten by the way, and announced today that he weighs 11 stone

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Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 21:35

bump?

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bogie · 22/06/2008 21:35

There is no point in lying, he is overweight and just because your dh doesn't like to admit it even if you lied deep down your dh knows that he is over weight.

micci25 · 22/06/2008 21:37

unless you actually said it in front of dss then no yanbu you are merely pointinmg out your concern for him!

shouting at him wont help. has he a medical condition perhaps? i think he needs to go a gp for advise and maybe refferal to dietician

howmuchchoccanIeatb4iexplode · 22/06/2008 21:37

how tall is he?

OrmIrian · 22/06/2008 21:38

No you aren't. It won't do him any good longterm to ignore the problem. It sounds like dh'S problem rather than yours.

I upset my DS#1 today when we were trying to get him some trousers. He's tall and quite broad but also getting a tyre round his middle. So I told him that he needs age 12/13 because he's getting a bit chubby round the middle - which is quite simply true. And he hates it. But won't stop eating. He eats basically good food but too much and he's always eating. And that is also like his dad - he thinks that as long as it's during a meal and it's good food, that you can eat loads .

Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 21:39

well that what I thought bogie. dh is hovering being all suspicious but value a your thoughts and opinions please keep them coming

its just so frustrating doing anything with a boy that is constantly looking for food, dh yelling at him for being greedy

it wastes SO MUCH of our time toghetr but when I say anything to dh he gets really defensive

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Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 21:40

he is just under 5 foot and no he wasnt here when I said IT. i would never ever say anything in slightest earshot of dss

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Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 21:41

no medical condition just a huge and unhealthy appetite, and greedy

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controlfreakyagain · 22/06/2008 21:46

his mother is his mother, not his "birth mother" surely?
sounds as though she is approaching issue sensibly.... and your dh is not. he should be talking to her about how you are all going to approach this in dss's best interests... and if he cant have civilised, sensible discussion with her then they should go to mediation to sort out how they are going to communicate and co parent his ds......
if he is 10 yo and 11 stone that is a serious sounding problem. ds1 is 10 and 5 stone (on skinny side).

Hassled · 22/06/2008 21:47

Could you, DH or the mother (or all three of you if you want to really get your point across) get him to see the nurse at your GP's practice? She will weigh and measure him, show him in a chart where his weight should be and talk to him about the dangers of becoming obese. It is a genuine risk to his long-term health and if he is an overweight child he is much more likely to be an overweight adult.

Plan B - get him interested in a sport.

EIther way, there is no point denying it - your DH is not doing him any favours. And where is he getting the "chips burgers and crisps" from?

2rebecca · 22/06/2008 21:57

11 stone age 10 and under 5 ft is definitely overweight, possibly obese. If primary school aged kids are fat it usually is the parents' fault. Their food intake and exercise is largely controlled by their parents. My son has always been skinny but has started filling out. Not overweight yet but if he starts going that way the family diet will change and there will be more walks and cycle rides. Teenagers are harder, esp if they have income from a job.
Pretending a fat kid isn't fat does no-one any favours, if you've gone through adolescence and your teenage years being fat it's much harder to lose weight and you have the image of yourself as a "fat person" more entrenched.
Is his dad overweight?

TheProvincialLady · 22/06/2008 21:58

I agree with the advice above about getting him to the GP and having a chat with him. I also wonder where he is getting all this junk food from? And also, why his meal portions are so outrageously huge (as they must be, if he is so obese), when he is still only 10 and clearly needs the adults around him to help him with portion sizes?

RosaLuxembunting · 22/06/2008 22:00

My average height 10 year old girl weighs five stone. 11 stone is seriously overweight unless he is exceptionally tall for his age.
Your DH needs to pull his head out of the sand and start supporting the mother and you in trying to help your DSS.

MsDemeanor · 22/06/2008 22:04

I think you all need to feed the lad less - ie much smaller portions. 11 stone at 5ft at age 10 sounds awful. I think you need to forget the 'f' word, and start talking to your dh about his health, and see if you and your stepson's mum can get him to see a dietician via the GP to help with portion sizes etc. I suspect your dh might be more inclined to say, 'OK, one chicken breast, two small potatoes and a bit pile of veg is OK as a meal' if he has someone medical saying so, not you. He clearly feels protective of him, which is natural, but sadly though his protective feelings are normal and natural, his son is suffering.

OrmIrian · 22/06/2008 22:08

11 stone is heavy I must admit. My DS is 5' 1 and not quite 8 stone. I worry that he is big.

JudgeNutmeg · 22/06/2008 22:27

I think the best bet is to try to keep his weight steady as he grows into it if you see what I mean. Empty the house of snacks apart from 2 pieces of fruit per day and have three good meals.

Do you give him jobs? Get him to help out around the house and praise him up - keep him busy everytime he looks for grub. If his mum has healthy food and you have healthy food, he can't get it anywhere else at that age.

Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 22:27

control freaky again - yes, his mother is his mother. durr!

ormirian - he is growing out of age 13-14 clothes. took him shopping in m&s last time he came down without dh (never comes down with any clothes but that is a whole other relatively unimportant issue) and it was so embarassing for both of us that he couldnt fit into his own age. thing is, he does know he is "tubby" but is so incredibly defensive about it and won't stop blardy eating!! which I feel is mainly beacuse of dh always eating masses as well, makes it "normal" iykwim?

god what a pair.

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controlfreakyagain · 22/06/2008 22:30

then why not call her that?

would you like anyone referring to you as your dcs (if you have them, not sure) "birth mother"?

controlfreakyagain · 22/06/2008 22:31

also sounds to me as though you are angry and frustrated with your dh about his handling of this and about his weight..... that needs addressing if you are going to implement sensible eating plan for dss...

MsDemeanor · 22/06/2008 22:35

He's surely defensive because he's 11 and very embarrassed about his size and possibly comfort eating. he can't enjoy being an obese child, poor sod.
I do think a trip to the Gp for a referral to a dietician would be a good thing, and harder for your dh to object to or sabotage. Also, I do think it might take some heat out of the issue if you talk about his health and fitness, not his size and fatness.

MsDemeanor · 22/06/2008 22:35

Are you able to talk to his mum?

JudgeNutmeg · 22/06/2008 22:36

Did you know that Next do boys trousers etc that have extra room in the tummy? That way he can wear clothes for the correct age that are comfy and trendy. Nothin worse than clothes that don't fit or look 'wrong'.

Who is serving out these massive portions anyway? Cook less, get rid of snacks, keep busy.

Remotew · 22/06/2008 22:37

It's a mine field though childrens weight. On the one hand we are told never to mention that a child has a weight problem to them. In that case how do you control it without voicing your concerns. Then we are told to watch your childs weight.

He is very heavy though but I sounds as though his mother is aware of it. I don't think you should have lied to your DH.

Original poster
ohgodbigargumentjuststarted · 22/06/2008 22:42

tbh, I overheard dss telling dh he is 11 stone and to be honest he may well have got that wrong. I have no idea what the rest of the conversation was about or how the subject came up.

in terms of going to the gp, I do feel that his mum has got a grip on the situation, its my dh thats the problem.

the three of us went on holiday a couple of years ago, pre dd, and he piled so much weight on thanks to dh his mum had him running round the block every night when he got back to her poor little lad

as for the junk food I have no junk in my house at all due to my own previous weight problem. just fruit and cheese available if he wants to snack

however, he wants crips, dh buys him crisps. we go to a restaurant and wants a burger, dh lets him have a burger. he wants an ice cream after pudding...you get the picture

I do not impose my opinions about his diet on dss. he has two good parents to do that. unfortunately only one of them is doing so.

the more I write the more I am realising that it is actually dh with the problem......

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