Does being a stepparent ever get easier?

[MichelleD3]

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, maybe just need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has felt like this.

Is being a stepparent always this hard?

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 11 years and honestly, it’s never really got easier. He has a 14-year-old daughter and over the years it has been such a source of stress in our lives. She has gradually stopped coming over as much, which in some ways has reduced the day-to-day stress, but it also comes with a huge child maintenance bill and a lot of emotional fallout for my husband.

The whole situation with his ex and his daughter has made life feel exhausting for years. We get messed around constantly with plans changing, “she’s coming over / she’s not coming over”, and it feels like we can never just relax or know where we stand.

More recently, his daughter accused him of being verbally aggressive and social services got involved. It absolutely broke my husband because from our side, that’s not who he is at all. He does tell her off and puts boundaries in place, whereas her mum seems to have a very different parenting style. It’s all just created even more stress and upset.

I’ll be honest and say I’ve struggled to build much of a relationship with his daughter over the years. I find some of her behaviour really difficult, especially the way she speaks to her mum, and I know that probably sounds awful, but I find myself thinking if an adult in my life behaved like that, I just wouldn’t choose to be around them.

And this is the bit I feel guilty even typing… sometimes I feel like I’m grieving the life I could have had if I’d married someone without children. A life where every day was just ours, where there wasn’t always this other layer of stress, emotion, money and conflict, where my husband and I could just make plans and live our lives without all of this hanging over us.

I love my husband so much, and that’s what makes this harder. But I’ve got to a point where I dread anything to do with this situation. I don’t really want to see his daughter anymore and I don’t really want her in my home, and then I feel like a terrible person for even thinking that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Has anyone else felt like this? Does it ever get easier, or do you just learn to live with it?

I would like to think the same however I do know the damage caused with the wedding going ahead without them and without them knowing. To hear one of your children, aged 7, say ‘now that daddy has married C, we will always be second best won’t we mummy?’

They were devastated and refused to leave, even to go to school, after his ‘surprise’ announcement and sight of his wedding ring.

In reality no it doesn’t, hence why before getting involved you need to weigh up if the relationship will ever be worth it.

Thanks for all the comments. I suppose the reality is that it doesn’t really get any easier.

What’s hard is knowing I’ll never experience that stage of life where it’s just you and your partner, with your evenings and weekends free to do what you want together. I’ve been with my husband since I was 20, so I’ve never had that more typical relationship where it’s all about each other, your friends and your own plans.

I think part of the problem is that you don’t truly know what step-parenting will be like until you’re actually living it. That said, I probably should have paid more attention to the fact that I never wanted children in the first place.

The hardest part for me is not being the parent. You have all the responsibilities and frustrations at times, but ultimately no real say. It’s difficult to sit back when she speaks to my husband disrespectfully or behaves in ways I don’t agree with, knowing it’s not really my place to step in.

Empathise completely OP. My step-children are 14 and 9 and have both been challenging at times.
They are both here half the time, spending the other half with their mum.
I feel like we get one sorted and the other one starts off with something. We have always agreed children first and they absolutely take priority but after children, then work I feel like we don't get much time at all. The latest one is DSD wants 'sleepovers' so DH is spending nights sleeping in her room.
I cant see that the overall situation will ever improve as they get older either.

Edited to add - we include the kids in everything, have built traditions with them and do get on well with their mum.

I mean… You’re 31 and have no kids and don’t want them. If you wanted, you could leave and start afresh.

If I hadn’t had my own, I’d have left by now. As other posters have said, parenting doesn’t end at 18 anymore.

I am a stepmother to two girls who lost their Mum when they were very young. It came with its own challenges and there were times when I wanted to walk away.
They are now adults, married with their own children and they (and we) couldn’t be happier.
It was very, very difficult at times but we hung on in there and I’m glad we did.

I have friends who are step parents and it starts off ok when they’re young, but as they got older it became progressively worse and my friends have to bite their tongues and sacrifice so much, always playing second fiddle otherwise they get the blame, and the husbands have to take the kids side, even when they’re clearly being arseholes. I just couldn’t do it.

Men with kids was always a deal breaker for me and that was because I didn’t want to be tied forever to someone’s ex. I always liked kids so never saw that they might be the problem. I feel for you and would be exactly the same.

The latest thing I’m struggling with is my birthday.

His ex’s birthday is a few days before mine. The weekend before my birthday is usually when I celebrate with my family.

Last year, his daughter’s football tournament was on the Sunday before my birthday. He initially led me to believe he wasn’t going, then later admitted he’d always wanted to go but hadn’t told me because he knew I wouldn’t be happy (as it was my 30th birthday weekend with my family). He left my families on the Sunday to go watch her and then came back and it caused a lot of tension and left me feeling like I came second yet again.

This year, the football tournament has fallen on the Sunday before my birthday again (and it actually falls on his ex’s birthday this year). I heard him ask his ex whether she was going because it was her birthday, but he hasn’t once asked me what I’d like to do for mine.

The other day he mentioned that Formula 1 is on that Sunday and we’d have to watch it when we got back. I said, “Oh, I thought you were going to say something about my birthday,” and he replied, “Well, you haven’t told me if you’ve got any plans.”

My birthday is still a few weeks away, so maybe he’s simply not thinking about it. But given how upset I was last year and how much tension it caused, I’d have thought my birthday might at least be on his radar if he’s already thinking about the football tournament.

A few weeks ago I told him that this year I’d leave it up to him to organise my birthday, because I’m always the one arranging everything and booking Airbnbs. Instead of saying, “Of course,” he replied, “Well, I made last year special, didn’t I?”

For context, I’ve stood by him through a huge amount of stress and drama, including this ongoing social services involvement. I think part of what’s upsetting me is that I don’t feel particularly considered or prioritised.

Am I overthinking this? Are my expectations too high? Or would most people expect their partner to show a bit more thought and initiative here?

Sounds like he’s thoughtless and inconsiderate, and his ex and daughter are inconsequential here.

It sounds like you’re going to have to outline exactly what you’re expecting. If he still doesn’t do it then yeah, he just doesn’t care enough about you to bother.

We should have a chat! I am in your exact situation with a dh exactly like yours. His adult children play him like a fiddle. He just cannot say no. He lies to me by omission for an easy life.

When I ask, he says he is embarrassed by some of their attitudes and behaviours and adds ‘I don’t get it, they were not brought up like this’…

He is the nicest guy (which is double edged, why I am with him, why his DC’s can play him), yet professional very strong. We have a great life together but the vast majority of the stresses come from his adult DC’s. Some horrific times. ( I don’t even say that his DC’s cause all of the stress, it might be that something turns out badly for one of mine, in time).

Reading this, the only thing I would say is that in many ways, these challenges are the same as having your own children. As teens they can show these same behaviours, favour one parent, play them off against each other and expect the world to revolve around them.

Yes, if you’re also dealing with an ex who isn’t amiable, that can really make things much harder. I also take your point that it’s all of the responsibility without some of the fun.

As for your birthday, DH and I have frequently taken a back seat to our own kids on our birthdays. For our family, DHs birthday always clashed with a weekend long sporting event that our kids were involved in. My own birthday is always less of an event as it’s just too close to Christmas and it takes a back seat to Christmas activities.

Yes, step parenting does come with extra challenges, but many of the things you mention come with kids, whether they’re your own or not. I don’t regret my kids for a second, but that’s not to say I haven’t had days where I’ve realised how different life would be without them (a lot less washing and a lot more holidays).

Remember though, over the next few years teens naturally gravitate towards their peers. Then, only a few more years and it’s uni. It’s hard to see the future when you’re deep in the parenting trenches, but you will get more and more opportunities where you can have nights out, weekends together and plenty of alone time. It will happen eventually.

That said, parenting never ends. My kids are fiercely independent and don’t ‘need’ me at all…until they do. When something goes wrong, who will they call, who do they vent to, who can talk them down from the ‘crisis’, yep, also me. And when that does happen, I will be there for them. So while your time together will improve in the next ten years, the parenting or step parenting part won’t be over.

The only other thing I’d say, it sounds like you could be early 40s. If underneath all this, you’ve decided that maybe you do want your own kids, then get out now, while that is still a possibility.

Wishing you well.

In your shoes then no would probably have to have sky high boundaries for my own sanity e.g. behaving properly in your home. I would make my own plans rather than being stuck in limbo waiting for her to turn up or not

What consequence did your step daughter have for the false allegations to social services?

With regards to your birthday then l would make it crystal clear you aren’t going to be at the back of the queue, behind your daughter, the ex etc

At least yours acknowledges the issue; when I question the latest ‘loan’ I just get “he didn’t ask, I offered!”. They can do no wrong. Even cutting him off for three years as adults and demanding thousands to be in their lives again was put down to the “strain of the divorce”. Tough in business but a pushover to his kids.

I think your expectations are very low and you are not his priority at all.
He knows that he can treat you this way and get away with it, so he does.

Sadly you seem determined to throw your life away on such a man.
If you were my daughter I would be appalled for you, but if you are determined to accept it, there is little that can be done.

You are so so young.
At 60 I look back at 31, and think what a fantastic time it was, full of joy, travel, new experiences.

The idea that I would have spent it running after some selfish man with children who doesn't think I deserve any consideration at all, is unfathomable.

I certainly would be very disappointed for any of my children to settle for so little in their one precious life.

We teach people how to treat us.
It really is that simple.

No consequences! That’s the problem, she never has any consequences for her actions or behaviour. She refused to speak to the social worker and we were just told she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve had no closure from the whole situation so I’m still struggling with it!

I think this is probably the crux of the issue. I’ve never wanted children, so while I completely understand that, for most parents, their children’s needs naturally come before their own, that’s not how I want to live my life.

For example, on my husband’s birthday, the thing he wants most is to spend time with his child, even though I’d happily take him out and make a fuss of him. That’s absolutely his choice, and I respect it.

But I don’t have children, so when it’s my birthday or my time, I want to be a bit selfish and do things for myself. In many ways, that’s one of the reasons I chose not to have children. I’m only 30 and I still want the freedom to prioritise my own interests, plans and experiences. I don’t want my life to revolve around children and what they want all the time.