Does being a stepparent ever get easier?

[MichelleD3]

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, maybe just need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has felt like this.

Is being a stepparent always this hard?

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 11 years and honestly, it’s never really got easier. He has a 14-year-old daughter and over the years it has been such a source of stress in our lives. She has gradually stopped coming over as much, which in some ways has reduced the day-to-day stress, but it also comes with a huge child maintenance bill and a lot of emotional fallout for my husband.

The whole situation with his ex and his daughter has made life feel exhausting for years. We get messed around constantly with plans changing, “she’s coming over / she’s not coming over”, and it feels like we can never just relax or know where we stand.

More recently, his daughter accused him of being verbally aggressive and social services got involved. It absolutely broke my husband because from our side, that’s not who he is at all. He does tell her off and puts boundaries in place, whereas her mum seems to have a very different parenting style. It’s all just created even more stress and upset.

I’ll be honest and say I’ve struggled to build much of a relationship with his daughter over the years. I find some of her behaviour really difficult, especially the way she speaks to her mum, and I know that probably sounds awful, but I find myself thinking if an adult in my life behaved like that, I just wouldn’t choose to be around them.

And this is the bit I feel guilty even typing… sometimes I feel like I’m grieving the life I could have had if I’d married someone without children. A life where every day was just ours, where there wasn’t always this other layer of stress, emotion, money and conflict, where my husband and I could just make plans and live our lives without all of this hanging over us.

I love my husband so much, and that’s what makes this harder. But I’ve got to a point where I dread anything to do with this situation. I don’t really want to see his daughter anymore and I don’t really want her in my home, and then I feel like a terrible person for even thinking that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Has anyone else felt like this? Does it ever get easier, or do you just learn to live with it?

I know how you feel. My SS is 12 and it’s getting harder and harder. Stinking attitude, idolises his older delinquent brother (on mums side) and seems to be following in his footsteps. Even the basics are difficult. I am always the bad guy no matter what, so I’ve given up trying. Sad as we had a lovely relationship when he was little and we were close. I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I can’t offer you advice, only some solidarity.

So sorry you’re going through this too, it’s so hard isn’t it!

Sending solidarity back, even if neither of us has the answers.

I felt like this today (minus the disliking my step-kids as they’re still lovely people).

Today they’re complained to the school about me (again) trying to get them to prevent me from picking up my DSS along with DS because she’s decided I’m unfit to be around them. Thankfully none of her complaints to school/Cafcass etc. have ever been taken seriously as they have no grounding and in fact she is the parent who safeguarding concerns (including one pedophile partner and another who physically assaulted one of my step-children) have consistently been shown to be real, but it’s still exhausting to deal with the spurious complaints against us.

We don’t involve the kids so they don’t know the truth and how hard we struggle with all this - though I think they are feeling how stressed we are. To them she’s the Disney parent who never says no and we’re the evil, strict household because we have boundaries. It’s meant my eldest teen step-child is slowly spending more time at hers and tbh I don’t know if they’ll ever think anything other than that she walks on water. Being a step-mum feels like a pretty thankless job today.

No, it doesn’t get easier. Our six children/step children are mid 30’s now, my youngest step child was 17 when we met.

The difference in our parenting, DH and I, just becomes more apparent as his DC’s have ideas and expectations, which were part of their childhood, set before I met him.

None are even wrong, they are just different.

For instance, my children know that unless there is an emergency they do not ask to borrow money. I want them to be independent, work hard and live within their means. They do.
His expect, at the end of every month, that he will help them out financially… mortgage money short, can’t pay the rent…dad will make up the shortfall.

It ends up my DH is in the middle as he can’t ‘get it right’ for them and me.

I also feel our two sets of children should be equally supported by us but we wouldn’t be able to give them all money at the end of every month.
Totting up the money given to his eldest…wow!

If he does draw a line, his children say he has changed and blame me! He often doesn’t tell me the money he has given, it will come out in conversation and then I feel betrayed.

It isn’t wrong to give your DC’s money, if that is the expectation, it is just one difference between our views. There are many others.

I think it depends on the stepchild. 14 is a difficult age and things may well improve as she reaches her twenties. She'll have more of a life of her own.
My stepchildren are in their 30s, one still causes a lot of sadness and worry, and the other is a joy. Not sure if that helps you though Time will tell.

I got very lucky with my stepsons, they are both lovely young men, and it is great to have them in my life -18 years now, they are late 20s/30, and I came along several years after their parents split, which i think helps.

Also their parents had very similar ideas about parenting, and that shows. There were never any attitude issues because their dad was stricter...

So I think there's no blanket yes or no answer to if it gets easier. But unfortunately given the issues there have already been, I would imagine that it won't get easier.

Sorry, @MichelleD3 , I know that's not what you want to hear!

14 is a tough age. I think it gets easier. I have 4 step DCs and 2 of my own (not with dp). I think it helps that I come from a big family. We have had our ups and down but generally more ups than downs.

im sitting here looking at the 2 avocado trees I planted with the youngest 2 when they were in primary school. They are 14 and 16 now and they are proper little trees. Just little nice things like that make me feel fondly of them.

it gets easier as they get older although I must say dp’s eldest is an unpleasant character - just very entitled but I didn’t know them as children, they were adults when dp and I met. I only know and spend a lot of time with his youngest who can be challenging but I do enjoy them.

YANBU OP. I was so naive going into stepparenting. I’ve always really enjoyed kids, have worked with kids a lot, absolutely loved being a mum, very maternal - I thought I’d enjoy step parenting and it would come easily to me. Joke’s on me! I do actually like being SM to DSD, we had a tricky adjustment phase but now we have a good relationship, but DSS is difficult and unenjoyable to the point that if I could go back in time I’d never get involved. I can’t wish away the life we have as it has so many positives and our shared DC is an absolute joy, but I wish I’d never blended and then I wouldn’t know what I was missing and I suspect I’d be much happier. Every day is a slog when it comes to DSS and it never improves and stands to only get worse for the indefinite future. It actually makes me feel quite depressed. Not just me either, OH is already on antidepressants primarily thanks to DSS’s behaviour so it’s not even like it’s just a step parent issue - except I don’t have the unconditional love that keeps you coming back for more when it’s your own kids. So I just quietly hate it all the time and wait for him to grow up and move out. Sounds terrible and I judge myself for it, I feel guilty all the time, but it is the truth.

Thanks everyone for your comments - it’s honestly helped just to know I’m not the only one who’s found this hard.

Reading everyone’s experiences, it does sound like stepfamily life can be really tough and complicated. I don’t know why we put ourselves through it 😂

I think if I’m really honest, I underestimated how much it would affect day-to-day life, and there are definitely times I’ve grieved the life I imagined.

Stepchildren are in-laws. How many of us want to live with an in-law, especially one who is reliant on us for time and money?

I think it’s very easy to feel “mum guilt” for stepchildren because they’re often being brought up differently to how you’d do it. Viewing my SC through the lens of a kindly aunt instead of a concerned mum has benefited our relationship. And I say that as someone who’s always had a decent relationship with them.

It’s very easy to care too much.

You have one precious life and you have chosen it for a life of stress because of a man.

Madness.
He's not worth it.
No man is.

I came along ten years (and several women) after DH and his XW had split at her instigation. SD was 12 when I first met her and used to visit with her DM's wedding ring on a chain around her neck. That was only the start of it.

26 years on, she is still hostile, rude, entitled, lying, gaslighting, attention seeking, grabby and manipulative. I see as little as possible of her now in an effort to save my own sanity. I've had a lot of therapy.

After an incident immediately before we were due to get married, I had some counselling through Relate and was advised that it would all settle down in time and I should just be patient. Sadly, at the time, I trusted that.

Had I known it was going to turn out like this, I would have baled out and not married him. She is the only thing we argue about. I expect someone will say that I have a DH problem and to a certain extent I do, but I have to say he has tried very hard over the years to get her to moderate her behaviour towards me and failed completely.

The one that makes me angry beyond measure is the one where she talks to me very slowly and very loudly, as if I am deaf or stupid or possibly both. I also resent the fact that she does not consider me a fit and proper person to have any sort of relationship with her DC when all I have ever tried to do with her is befriendly always and supportive when required.

There is no guarantee, whatever you do, even if you do all the right things, it will all come right in the end.

Almost 40 years in and it's still not a role I like. Like others, I was naive going into it. One DSC is rude, entitled and selfish, the other unbearably needy, mentally fragile and is barely able to function as a middle aged adult. I see them infrequently.

I have moments where I feel like it’s ok, but if I had my time again, I’d never marry a man who already had children. And I would absolutely never marry again, as long as I had children who needed to live with me. Being a step-mum is shit - but not as shit as I imagine it is to be a step-child (and I say that as someone who really did try their absolute best).