Does being a stepparent ever get easier?

[MichelleD3]

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, maybe just need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else has felt like this.

Is being a stepparent always this hard?

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 11 years and honestly, it’s never really got easier. He has a 14-year-old daughter and over the years it has been such a source of stress in our lives. She has gradually stopped coming over as much, which in some ways has reduced the day-to-day stress, but it also comes with a huge child maintenance bill and a lot of emotional fallout for my husband.

The whole situation with his ex and his daughter has made life feel exhausting for years. We get messed around constantly with plans changing, “she’s coming over / she’s not coming over”, and it feels like we can never just relax or know where we stand.

More recently, his daughter accused him of being verbally aggressive and social services got involved. It absolutely broke my husband because from our side, that’s not who he is at all. He does tell her off and puts boundaries in place, whereas her mum seems to have a very different parenting style. It’s all just created even more stress and upset.

I’ll be honest and say I’ve struggled to build much of a relationship with his daughter over the years. I find some of her behaviour really difficult, especially the way she speaks to her mum, and I know that probably sounds awful, but I find myself thinking if an adult in my life behaved like that, I just wouldn’t choose to be around them.

And this is the bit I feel guilty even typing… sometimes I feel like I’m grieving the life I could have had if I’d married someone without children. A life where every day was just ours, where there wasn’t always this other layer of stress, emotion, money and conflict, where my husband and I could just make plans and live our lives without all of this hanging over us.

I love my husband so much, and that’s what makes this harder. But I’ve got to a point where I dread anything to do with this situation. I don’t really want to see his daughter anymore and I don’t really want her in my home, and then I feel like a terrible person for even thinking that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Has anyone else felt like this? Does it ever get easier, or do you just learn to live with it?

I know how you feel. My SS is 12 and it’s getting harder and harder. Stinking attitude, idolises his older delinquent brother (on mums side) and seems to be following in his footsteps. Even the basics are difficult. I am always the bad guy no matter what, so I’ve given up trying. Sad as we had a lovely relationship when he was little and we were close. I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I can’t offer you advice, only some solidarity.

So sorry you’re going through this too, it’s so hard isn’t it!

Sending solidarity back, even if neither of us has the answers.

I felt like this today (minus the disliking my step-kids as they’re still lovely people).

Today they’re complained to the school about me (again) trying to get them to prevent me from picking up my DSS along with DS because she’s decided I’m unfit to be around them. Thankfully none of her complaints to school/Cafcass etc. have ever been taken seriously as they have no grounding and in fact she is the parent who safeguarding concerns (including one pedophile partner and another who physically assaulted one of my step-children) have consistently been shown to be real, but it’s still exhausting to deal with the spurious complaints against us.

We don’t involve the kids so they don’t know the truth and how hard we struggle with all this - though I think they are feeling how stressed we are. To them she’s the Disney parent who never says no and we’re the evil, strict household because we have boundaries. It’s meant my eldest teen step-child is slowly spending more time at hers and tbh I don’t know if they’ll ever think anything other than that she walks on water. Being a step-mum feels like a pretty thankless job today.

No, it doesn’t get easier. Our six children/step children are mid 30’s now, my youngest step child was 17 when we met.

The difference in our parenting, DH and I, just becomes more apparent as his DC’s have ideas and expectations, which were part of their childhood, set before I met him.

None are even wrong, they are just different.

For instance, my children know that unless there is an emergency they do not ask to borrow money. I want them to be independent, work hard and live within their means. They do.
His expect, at the end of every month, that he will help them out financially… mortgage money short, can’t pay the rent…dad will make up the shortfall.

It ends up my DH is in the middle as he can’t ‘get it right’ for them and me.

I also feel our two sets of children should be equally supported by us but we wouldn’t be able to give them all money at the end of every month.
Totting up the money given to his eldest…wow!

If he does draw a line, his children say he has changed and blame me! He often doesn’t tell me the money he has given, it will come out in conversation and then I feel betrayed.

It isn’t wrong to give your DC’s money, if that is the expectation, it is just one difference between our views. There are many others.

I think it depends on the stepchild. 14 is a difficult age and things may well improve as she reaches her twenties. She'll have more of a life of her own.
My stepchildren are in their 30s, one still causes a lot of sadness and worry, and the other is a joy. Not sure if that helps you though Time will tell.

I got very lucky with my stepsons, they are both lovely young men, and it is great to have them in my life -18 years now, they are late 20s/30, and I came along several years after their parents split, which i think helps.

Also their parents had very similar ideas about parenting, and that shows. There were never any attitude issues because their dad was stricter...

So I think there's no blanket yes or no answer to if it gets easier. But unfortunately given the issues there have already been, I would imagine that it won't get easier.

Sorry, @MichelleD3 , I know that's not what you want to hear!

14 is a tough age. I think it gets easier. I have 4 step DCs and 2 of my own (not with dp). I think it helps that I come from a big family. We have had our ups and down but generally more ups than downs.

im sitting here looking at the 2 avocado trees I planted with the youngest 2 when they were in primary school. They are 14 and 16 now and they are proper little trees. Just little nice things like that make me feel fondly of them.

it gets easier as they get older although I must say dp’s eldest is an unpleasant character - just very entitled but I didn’t know them as children, they were adults when dp and I met. I only know and spend a lot of time with his youngest who can be challenging but I do enjoy them.

YANBU OP. I was so naive going into stepparenting. I’ve always really enjoyed kids, have worked with kids a lot, absolutely loved being a mum, very maternal - I thought I’d enjoy step parenting and it would come easily to me. Joke’s on me! I do actually like being SM to DSD, we had a tricky adjustment phase but now we have a good relationship, but DSS is difficult and unenjoyable to the point that if I could go back in time I’d never get involved. I can’t wish away the life we have as it has so many positives and our shared DC is an absolute joy, but I wish I’d never blended and then I wouldn’t know what I was missing and I suspect I’d be much happier. Every day is a slog when it comes to DSS and it never improves and stands to only get worse for the indefinite future. It actually makes me feel quite depressed. Not just me either, OH is already on antidepressants primarily thanks to DSS’s behaviour so it’s not even like it’s just a step parent issue - except I don’t have the unconditional love that keeps you coming back for more when it’s your own kids. So I just quietly hate it all the time and wait for him to grow up and move out. Sounds terrible and I judge myself for it, I feel guilty all the time, but it is the truth.

Thanks everyone for your comments - it’s honestly helped just to know I’m not the only one who’s found this hard.

Reading everyone’s experiences, it does sound like stepfamily life can be really tough and complicated. I don’t know why we put ourselves through it 😂

I think if I’m really honest, I underestimated how much it would affect day-to-day life, and there are definitely times I’ve grieved the life I imagined.

Stepchildren are in-laws. How many of us want to live with an in-law, especially one who is reliant on us for time and money?

I think it’s very easy to feel “mum guilt” for stepchildren because they’re often being brought up differently to how you’d do it. Viewing my SC through the lens of a kindly aunt instead of a concerned mum has benefited our relationship. And I say that as someone who’s always had a decent relationship with them.

It’s very easy to care too much.

You have one precious life and you have chosen it for a life of stress because of a man.

Madness.
He's not worth it.
No man is.

I came along ten years (and several women) after DH and his XW had split at her instigation. SD was 12 when I first met her and used to visit with her DM's wedding ring on a chain around her neck. That was only the start of it.

26 years on, she is still hostile, rude, entitled, lying, gaslighting, attention seeking, grabby and manipulative. I see as little as possible of her now in an effort to save my own sanity. I've had a lot of therapy.

After an incident immediately before we were due to get married, I had some counselling through Relate and was advised that it would all settle down in time and I should just be patient. Sadly, at the time, I trusted that.

Had I known it was going to turn out like this, I would have baled out and not married him. She is the only thing we argue about. I expect someone will say that I have a DH problem and to a certain extent I do, but I have to say he has tried very hard over the years to get her to moderate her behaviour towards me and failed completely.

The one that makes me angry beyond measure is the one where she talks to me very slowly and very loudly, as if I am deaf or stupid or possibly both. I also resent the fact that she does not consider me a fit and proper person to have any sort of relationship with her DC when all I have ever tried to do with her is befriendly always and supportive when required.

There is no guarantee, whatever you do, even if you do all the right things, it will all come right in the end.

Almost 40 years in and it's still not a role I like. Like others, I was naive going into it. One DSC is rude, entitled and selfish, the other unbearably needy, mentally fragile and is barely able to function as a middle aged adult. I see them infrequently.

I have moments where I feel like it’s ok, but if I had my time again, I’d never marry a man who already had children. And I would absolutely never marry again, as long as I had children who needed to live with me. Being a step-mum is shit - but not as shit as I imagine it is to be a step-child (and I say that as someone who really did try their absolute best).

I hear this ALL the time! And the problem about the feelings isn't necessarily the feelings themselves, it's the guilt we give ourselves for the feelings.

Have a listen to the Stepmum Space podcast (disclosure - it's mine, i hope i'm allowed to say that.)

You aren't alone I promise x

"And this is the bit I feel guilty even typing… sometimes I feel like I’m grieving the life I could have had if I’d married someone without children. A life where every day was just ours, where there wasn’t always this other layer of stress, emotion, money and conflict, where my husband and I could just make plans and live our lives without all of this hanging over us".

Because of my friends experiences I would be genuinely appalled if my daughters entertained this.

Its thankless. The men are the ones who benefit, rarely anyone else, particularly if the step childrens mother is still alive.

My friends daughter got involved with a guy with a 7 year old, nice child, and was seeing him for 10 months.
She is a teacher and during the summer holidays she visits her sister and her children in their holiday home in Spain for several weeks every year.
She has a ball, they have a pool and it is very chill.
He knew this as she had mentioned she does it every year.
As the holidays approached and she was talking about booking it, he mentioned her taking HIS child as a complete expectation and done deal.

She couldn't believe what she was hearing and said don't be mad, of course I'm not bringing your child with me.
He couldn't believe her "selfishness" as he really thought she would share the holidays with him and his ex.
Huge light bulb moment and she finished with him.
THAT is a perfect example to me of a lot of men with children, always looking to hand over the parenting.

It has cured her. She is now strictly no children.

What I didn’t consider was that stepparenting is a life-long endeavour. I met SC when they were little and thought that as they got older, they’d need us less, but as a result of being raised primarily in a household which doesn’t value achievement or studying at all, I can see them needing housing and support well into their twenties and possibly beyond (no disabilities, just no work ethic and probably no qualifications).

As someone who is driven, and who was financially independent from my teens, this is a very bitter pill to swallow.

There are an awful lot of men who think women want to look after their children because thats what women do.
Imagine sending your child abroad with someone you’ve know for a few months - what a dick.

There’s also an awful lot of children who expect the woman to mother them too. When I first met SC, it was me they went to for snacks / drinks / comfort over their own dad. Not because he couldn’t or wouldn’t. It was very hard to reprogram.

Expectations of women as caregivers are very ingrained.

Both parents were totally on board, not just him.
The assumption being that as a teacher why wouldn't she be happy to pitch in and do 3 weeks of childcare during the school holidays.

The entitlement!
Nice child, but she had zero interest in being responsible for her, during her holidays.

She definitely saw her future and said no thanks.

@Interdit I think that must be a particularly difficult, because you are possibly looking at a long term blanket situation of "failure to launch".

Kids with graduate careers are still at home due to the cost of moving out, but can hope to work towards it.

Working minimum wage jobs means they could be with you long term as they get very used to spending their disposable income on themselves, as you do the dirty work of paying the considerable costs of running a house.

I certainly wouldn't be happy doing it into my retirement.

I'm thinking about dating again

I've already made it clear that I live with my kids and no one else

They have there home I have mine

They can come over for dinner and the evening

We can have days out together

We can holiday together

But nothing beyond that till maybe the kids move out

Though I guess I'm lucky in a way as I have the means to be independent

It is a hard situation. I’ve made it clear to DP that whilst I’m happy to support SC as part of the household whilst they’re children, I don’t feel that obligation to them as adults, especially if they’re NEETs.

We haven’t really agreed on what that’ll mean but I think it’s likely that he’ll end up subsidising them financially to live elsewhere, either at their mum’s or an HMO. I wouldn’t see them homeless and they could be here in an emergency or short-term but I wouldn’t be making it comfortable or long-term.

We regularly talk to them about the importance of working hard, studying, savings etc but I don’t think a lot of it goes in.

It does make me feel a bit guilty because I wouldn’t refuse to live with my bio children as adults.

You sound like a very nice woman.
He's your DP rather than husband?
Good.

Retirement has never been more expensive and having adults that are not self funded gets old and expensive very quickly.

The longer it goes on the more entrenched their position becomes, as does any boomerang situation if they haven't ever covered the bills of living independently.

You could find your future very restricted by your partners resources being drained funding his adult children.

Also such children are just the type to think it reasonable to have a child while living with you.

My advice is to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

I am in my 60's and one friend of mine is in a relationship for 4 years with a nice man with two children.
Both children are at university.
She has no children of her own and lives in her own very lovely home.

They are both retired a year and his daughter of 22, has just announced she is pregnant and keeping the baby.
Because of the urban handy location she wants to stay with her father and move her boyfriend in while they wait for the baby.

She's a lovely girl, but prefers staying with Dad than her mum.

My friend had seen a future of travelling, but it is now looking very different with a baby in his house and her needing her dad's support.

My friend is very disappointed but quietly readjusting her future expectations.
She didn't see grandmother duties in her near future.
In fairness neither did this man and he is trying to get his head around it, while trying to be supportive of his daughter.

His daughter has 100% assumed that she will be living with dad in his nice house with her boyfriend as dad has the space and renting is so expensive.

Its a mess. My friend is just so grateful that they live separately.
She has been very frank to me that she doesn't see her future as a support role as he becomes a grandad.

The daughter is sadly a bit naive and thinks she will be finding a job within a year and it will all work out.

Nightmare stuff.

Just reflecting on this and my poor experiences, shared earlier in the thread but thinking about my own children who also have a step mother.

Although great for me in not having to ‘share’ our children with her, there is also a sadness that they (ExDH and SDM) do not include our children. Christmas, they are never invited, not even if the family are going out for Christmas dinner, very few holidays with their dad and her (two in over twenty five years), our children were not invited to their wedding, birthdays not celebrated…just not included.

She left her own children when my DH and her had an affair, so I suppose she was never going to include ours.

Your children may not find this sad. We alternate Christmas and other holidays and I often think they’d probably rather have a set expectation of where to be to build traditions. I honestly think they’d prefer to be at their main home with their mum for Christmas and to see us afterwards to collect presents.